Two hours. Two long and excruciating hours. That's how long they had been sitting in those worn out chairs. The surgical waiting room had couches, and Brooke had to admit that sitting in these chairs was better than sitting in the ER's hard plastic ones. But if she was perfectly honest with herself then she knew that she would rather be curled up on Luke's bed watching sappy chick flicks with Peyton. That's what she was going to do…as soon as Peyton got out of this wretched place the two of them were going to spend an entire night eating junk food, watching their favorite movies, the ones they loved in high school, and they would talk about all the hot guys in those movies. She'd invite Haley to come too, that's what Peyton had wanted, to give Haley a girls' night in type thing. It would be good for the three of them to just hang out…it would make all of them feel better for a few hours, make things feel normal.
She looked to her left and watched as Luke stared at a spot on the wall, the same spot he had been staring at for the past hour. Maybe they would postpone the girls' night and just have a night in with Luke and Nathan as well. They could all use a spirit booster, a night to just forget.
"So I was thinking…when Peyton gets out of here….we should all get together and have a small party. You know…we could watch movies and order take out, reminisce about the past…you know just the 5 of us. And maybe the day after we could all go to the park with Alex or something, that way she feels included, or even just you and Peyton could take Alex to the park, that way you could have some family time." Their eyes met briefly and all he could do was offer a small smile and nod.
"Yeah sure…that sounds like a plan" he smiles again before returning his gaze to the discoloration on the wall. There's a part of him that wants to scream and yell at her. Peyton's in the hospital and she's planning parties. He's wants to yell that they don't have any memories together because there has never been a point when they were all friends…they've never been some close, tight knit group….they still aren't. He wants to point out that Peyton won't be able to handle a day at the park, she won't have the energy.
He wants to shake her for planning a party with her best friend lying on an operating table…but he doesn't. He knows that although he can spend hours staring at the same spot on the wall, she can't. She needs something to do, she need something to give her hope, so she'll put her mind to work and she'll plan a detailed party because it means two things…one…she doesn't have to think about her best friend being sick, and two…if she plans a party to happen after Peyton gets out the hospital, it means Peyton's going to get out of the hospital, that her best friend is going to pull through this. He knows this so he won't yell at her about party ideas.
"Lucas…" they both look up and set their focus on the men that just walked through the door. One they know, Dr. Collins, the other they've never seen before. They're both on their feet in seconds, trying to read the face of either man, desperate to know if they need to prepare themselves to hear the worst.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Lewis, I operated on Peyton." His voice is monotone and it's driving Lucas crazy, he needs to hear some kind of emotion, something to let him know what happened.
"Is she okay…she's gunna be fine, right?" They can all hear the eagerness in Brooke's voice, there's no denying it.
"There were some complications during the surgery. Peyton was suffering from a peptic ulcer. It developed in her esophagus from the constant vomiting, and this morning it perforated, which caused the bleed. She lost a lot of blood Mr. Scott and during surgery she went into MOF…"
"MOF…What's MOF?" Lucas glanced quickly at Dr. Collins before turning his attention back to Dr. Lewis.
"Multiple Organ Failure. It sounds worse than it is…I mean MFO is always bad, but it could have been worse for her. She had already lost over a quarter of her blood by the time she arrived in the OR. Her body went into shock and the majority of her systems started to shut down, including her heart. We did lose her on the table for awhile, but we were able to revive her and repair the hole in her throat. She's stable now…we're hoping to keep her off the chemo long enough to let her throat heal, that way the chance of her throwing up is lower. We'll keep her here for the next fourteen to sixteen days to monitor her and make sure that the ulcer starts to heal. Normally we would keep our patients in the hospital longer, but if you bring her in twice a week so we can check how she's doing, I'll allow her to go home a little early." Dr. Lewis offered a comforting smile towards both of the people across from him. During surgery, Sam had explained the medical and personal history of his patient. He felt horrible for everyone involved; they all seemed like good people, people who didn't deserve this.
"And the baby…" Lucas already knew the answer, but he felt compelled to ask anyway. He felt Brooke's hand tighten around his in support. It was a reflex, she knew Peyton planned on giving up the baby, but to actually go through with it, no matter how sure they were about their decision, the end result was bound to leave them both with some lingering feelings of emptiness and sorrow.
"The abortion went smoothly. It didn't further complicate anything, and hopefully when we start her back on the treatments, she'll start getting a little better again." Dr. Collins watched as both of their faces fell slightly, but he chose not to ask, whatever was bothering them would come out in due time.
"Can we see her…" Brooke waited anxiously and was glad to see the man in front of her nod.
"I'll take you up to see her…" They thanked Dr. Lewis quickly before following Dr. Collins over to the elevators. The ride up was quiet, no one having any desire to talk…too anxious and wrapped up in their own thoughts to worry about the awkward silence.
They stepped through the doors the moment they opened and followed Dr. Collins down the hall and into the room. It was the same room she had been in before, and a part of Lucas wished that they had switched what room she was in, because right now he kept getting flashes of her sitting up in the bed, vomiting blood. He shut his eyes tightly, hoping to block out the image, and after hearing Brooke's breath hitch, he kept his eyes closed out of fear that he would see something much worse when he opened them.
Brooke looked up to see Luke standing next to her with closed lids, tears sitting on his lashes. She reached for his hand and interlaced their fingers. She knew this was hard for him, and that it had only been getting worse by the day. The woman he loved was dying and he was at a loss as to what to do next, how to help her. And even if he could find a way to help, she wouldn't want it, she didn't want him to help her survive this, she wanted him to let here go. Brooke knew how hard it was to even comprehend the fact that Peyton had actually asked such a question.
He felt her grip on his hand tighten and he forced himself to open his eyes, he couldn't just stand like that forever. He immediately understood why Brooke had been so shocked…Peyton was unbelievably pale…ghostly pale, her lips were stained a vibrant red…she looked like a shell of the girl that had seen yesterday…the girl who was already a shell of her former self.
"I know it looks like a lot of machines, but it's not so bad. There's the regular IV stand with her morphine drip, the second one is holding the blood bag and over the next few days she'll have multiple transfusions to help replenish her blood supply, and the third stand is there for nutrients. Her throats gunna be sore for a while and she won't be able to swallow anything, so to make sure she's getting enough nutrition she'll be tube fed. As always, she's on a heart monitor, we're also giving her oxygen to help her breath easier. She did go into respiratory failure during surgery, and although she is breathing on her own, we won't be sure how comfortable that is for her until she wakes up."
"And when will that be…when will she wake up?" Lucas didn't remove his eyes from the blonde on the bed.
"That's up to her…it could be in a few minutes or a few hours…whenever the anesthesia wares off and she decides to open her eyes. Even after she wakes up, she'll spend the majority of her time sleeping because of the lack of energy. When she wakes up let me know, especially if she complains about her breathing." He laid a hand on Luke's shoulder quickly before excusing himself and leaving the three friends alone.
They made their way to opposite sides of the bed, each pulling up a chair and sitting impatiently beside the edge of the bed. Just as before they stayed in the same position, waiting, they didn't talk, didn't look at each other, just waited for over an hour.
Brooke was getting restless and her mind was starting to over analyze everything. She was thinking the worst, preparing herself for her best friend's death, mentally getting herself ready to watch her best friend just die right there on the bed in front of her. Maybe it wouldn't happen today, she'd have just a little more time, but eventually it was going to happen.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and…"
"…wisdom to know the difference." Lucas finished with her as he looked up to meet the chocolate brown eyes across from him, his eyes leaving Peyton for the first time since entering the room. "I never pegged you for the religious type…"
"I'm not…I'm barely spiritual…but that verse has gotten me through a lot of things in my life, just repeating it sometimes clears my head and helps me to keep going, helps me believe that things are gunna be okay." She ran her free hand through her hair as her eyes swelled with tears. "I just really needed that right now…"
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…" Lucas smiled gently at the distraught brunette who gladly returned the gesture.
"…courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. God, grant…" they repeated the prayer together, and the more she recited the words, the lighter her voice became and the more at ease she felt. But the moment she opened her eyes the suffocating feelings came straight back to her.
"I'll be right back….I need to take a walk or something." She pushed her chair away from the bed and stood up. She held her hair back as she leaned down and kissed her best friend's cheek. She stood up and closed her eyes with a small sigh before shaking her head and leaving the room. She wanted to believe she was strong enough for this, but times like now she wasn't so sure.
Lucas watched the room door shut before turning his focus back to Peyton. He leaned in closer to her, his lisp resting gently against her temple. "You have to get through this Peyt, I need you. You have to wake up…you…you have to fight this…please" the tears rolled slowly down his cheeks as he kissed the side of her head lightly. He felt the small amount of pressure that was applied to his hand a few minutes later, and he quickly lifted his head to find green eyes staring back at him. "Hey…you're up." He smiled gently.
"Hey, what…" her throat was burning, it felt like it was being torn in two. She couldn't even finish her sentence, her voice had vanished after a couple of words.
"Don't try to talk too much." Lucas whispered in her ear after placing a kiss on her cheek. "There was an ulcer in your throat and it tore, so you're gunna be a sore for a while." He watched her nod slowly. "You scared the hell out of me this morning, Peyt." He pressed his forehead lightly against hers, a small smile on both their faces.
A knock on the door jarred them away from each other, and they looked towards the door to see Haley sticking her head through timidly. The auburn haired girl locked eyes with Lucas before shifting her gaze down to the floor.
"Sorry. I'm glad to see that you're okay Peyton. I…I can just come back later or something…" she offered a sad smile before taking a step back.
"Haley…" she looked back into the room to find Peyton staring at her. "The jackass next to me has something to say…" her voice was barely audible but she forced it out anyway, she was determined to get the two of the to talk. They both watched as Lucas bit his bottom lip and continued staring at the floor. "If you don't go talk to her I'll start throwing up the rest of my blood…" she smirked in his direction only to have him glare in return.
"That's not funny." His voice was stern and she only rolled her eyes in return.
"He's right…it's not funny" Brooke commented as she appeared in the doorway behind Haley. "And you have to get out anyway because I need to talk to Peyton…" Brooke walked back to her place by the side of the hospital bed and watched as Lucas reluctantly stood up and dropped Peyton's hand.
Lucas walked up to Haley, an apologetic smile already in place on his face, but it did nothing to stop the tears from forming in his best friend's eyes. Haley turned on her heel and walked slowly out of the room, Lucas following closely behind her. "Hales…I'm so sorry." He watched her turn to face him, the tears already sliding down her cheeks. He's not sure why, but he wasn't expecting the harsh sting that came from the brunette's hand slapping his face.
"That really hurt Luke…you're supposed to be my best friend. How could you think something like that…how could you think so low of me." She had to restrain herself from yelling because of their location. Last night the things he said had just hurt her, but now she was angry with him.
"I know I was wrong…I was really wrong…"
"You were down right cruel Lucas…I get that you're hurting and that it's hard for you…but you have no right to take it out on me." The anger in her voice was evident despite the volume, and she watched as he stared down at his shoes. "It's hard for me too Lucas…I'm hurting too…but I'm not running around biting people's heads off because they say something I don't wanna hear."
"Haley I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry…I really am. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do…I don't know how to handle this and you do and I hate you for it sometimes. I hate that you know how to let her go, because I don't. I don't' know how I'm supposed to sit back and watch her die…I can't do that…and I'm pissed off at her for giving up, but I can't yell at her, I won't. I tired to ignore it when Brooke told me what Peyt had decided, but you wouldn't let me, you tired to reason with me, and the thing is I don't want anyone to reason with me…you can try to rationalize this as much as you want but I already know I won't see it the way you do, and the more you unsuccessfully try, the more frustrated it makes me. It's simple to me…I don't want her to die…that's it…it might be selfish, but right now I don't know how to be anything different." He shook his head and walked past her and further down the hall.
"Luke…" she called out to him lightly and watched as he turned back to face her, the tears falling harder from both of their eyes.
"I'm scared Hales…I'm scared…" She walked up to him and threw her arms around his neck, his own arms sliding around her back.
"Do you think they'll be okay…" Brooke questioned quietly as she and Peyton both looked over towards the closed room door. Peyton smiled and nodded before staring back at Brooke. The brunette offered a small smile but couldn't stop the tears that welled in her brown eyes. It didn't take long for those tears to break free and creep down her face. Peyton opened her arms the best she could and Brooke slowly but gladly crawled onto the bed, her head resting lighting against her best friend's chest. "I'm sorry about yesterday…."
"It's okay…" her voice was starting to go again, she could feel it and heart it.
"I love you…and I don't like it, I don't want it, but I get it…and I think that's why it hurts so much …" Peyton squeezed Brooke's shoulder lightly. She didn't know how to respond to that…she's not sure if she's supposed to respond to the admission. She hates the thought of hurting her best friend like this…the thought of hurting any of the people she cares about. She had heard what Luke said before she woke up. How was she supposed to give up and tell him to just deal with it.
"Why is that when I get sick, you're the one that needs comforting?" she was glad to feel Brooke laugh against her. Granted, a joke might not have been the most appropriate thing at the moment, but it did get rid of the miserable suffocating silence that had overcome the room.
Brooke reached for Peyton's hand and squeezed it lightly. "P. Sawyer…I'll be okay…I promise that I'll be fine as long as I know that you're okay…whatever that means." She would get through it, eventually she would start to feel okay without Peyton around.
"I love you Davis…and thank you…but I can't do it…he…he's not ready for this…" she pushed through the pain in her throat, she need to get this out despite whatever she was feeling, it was too important to her.
"I'm not ready for this…I'll never be ready to let my best friend go and he'll never be ready to let his heart go, but we have to do it anyway. Whatever you do Peyt…just make sure you're doing it for you and no one else…because you've been doing this for us for a really long time but you don't have to anymore, because you don't owe it to anyone." She hated herself for saying that, for doing the same thing she had yelled at Haley about yesterday, giving Peyton permission to die.
"But I do…I owe it to my daughter Brooke…I owe it to her to try because if I can prevent her from feeling the way I felt growing up then I owe that to her." The tears were coming on strong as she gripped her best friend's hand as tight as she could. "So I'm gunna give it one more try…I just…I need you to be there with me…I can do this if I know you're gunna be there…" her voice was gentle…fragile even. She was terrified about doing all of this all over again, about constantly feeling tired and sick. She was ready to just get rid of those feelings, but she couldn't, not yet.
"I'll always be there…we're all gunna be there." Brooke could hear the strain in the blonde's voice, the struggle she was going through, both physically and mentally. She hates herself for telling her it's okay to die, and for telling her that it's okay to keep fighting, fighting for everyone else.