Chapter 60 Lucas Struggles with Self Doubt
Elizabeth awoke to an empty bed. The covers were pulled up but her husband was missing. He had been disappearing a lot recently. She put on her robe and walked down the hall to the nursery, where she opened the door to find her husband sitting in the rocking chair listening to nursery rhymes playing on the victrola. "Love, what are you doing?" She asked while wrapping her arms around his neck. "A penny for your thoughts."
"I'm trying to refocus my mind. It keeps wandering places it shouldn't. It has made it extremely difficult for me to sleep lately. I am worried Elizabeth, about you, the babies, Jack, and us." He gently patted his lap for her to sit.
She accepted his invite and sat down on his lap as he wrapped his arms around her pulling her as close as he could. She looked deep into his eyes and spoke. "Sweetheart, you need to trust in God that he will take care of everything and have faith that everything will be fine. Have I told you how lucky I am to have you stand beside me as we navigate this experience together?" She said while wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.
"I am one hundred percent certain Elizabeth I will never get over it if something bad happened to you or Jack." He returned her passion with a deep kiss of his own. "Dance with me." He said walking over to the victrola and changing the record. He wrapped his arms around his wife from behind placing his hands firmly on both sides of her stomach as they swayed gently to the music while he nuzzled her neck. She placed her hands over the top of his while swaying back and forth.
Elizabeth loved the way he made every moment special even when she felt less than appealing. "Let's go back to sleep." She suggested taking his hand and leading him back to their bed.
Lucas lay beside his beautiful wife gazing deep into her gorgeous blue eyes as he gently stroked her face with his thumbs. "Elizabeth, darling are you happy?"
"My dear sweet husband what on earth are you talking about?" She asked now feeling his emotion and responding with emotion of her own.
"Do you regret our life together?" He asked his eyes now glossy.
"Lucas Bouchard, where is this self doubt coming from?" She asked her own eyes filling with tears.
"I just want you and Jack to have the best life possible and lately I struggle with the idea of giving you that. Drama follows me Elizabeth; it has since I moved to the states. Since we have been together, I've been held at gunpoint twice, blackmailed, shipwrecked, you've been assaulted in my saloon all in a five month time frame. This is my life. You deserve better than that kind of life always in danger. What kind of life would that be for our children?" He asked as a single tear escaped his eye and ran down his face.
"Lucas Bouchard none of that is your fault. You need to stop this nonsense. You are an honest and honorable man as well as an amazing father and I have never been happier than being with you." She said now firmly placing her hands on his face to make him look her in the eye. "This is crazy. It is I whom is supposed to have mood swings, but you have taken this to a whole new level, Lucas Bouchard."
"Elizabeth, I just don't want you to have any regrets about being with a man like me. What if my life brings harm to our family? How will I ever be able to live with myself?" He asked with pleading eyes calling out for someone to take away the pain and emotion he was feeling.
"Lucas, you are the best man I have ever met and if you doing good deeds is going to make our road tough ahead than so be it. We will face it together until the end. I couldn't be any more in love with you if I tried and I need you to know that nothing will ever change that. I wish you could see in yourself what the rest of us see." She gently caressed the tears off of his face.
"I love you, Elizabeth! I just want what is best for you. I don't want to disappoint you. I know I wanted a large family, I just didn't realize it would happen so fast. I am scared of failing you. What if I am not a good father? What if our children just cry when I hold them? What if I can't change a diaper? What if I don't know when something is wrong with them? How will I know these things?" Lucas said panic apparent in his voice.
"Darling, you will learn. I know you all to well and no that you will not be defeated. I have faith in you and wish you had that same confidence in yourself. You are going to be great and need to stop with all the what if's. I will be walking right beside you on this journey and it will be just as challenging for me. We will navigate it together. Now, can we stop all the craziness and go back to sleep. I love you and there is no one else ever going to make me this happy." Elizabeth spoke with conviction and adoration.
"I love you too more than life." He wrapped his arms around her the best he could and pulled her close, kissing her deeply. Then he placed his head on her stomach giving it gentle kisses and then resting there until he fell asleep feeling much more relaxed knowing they had talked about his self doubt. He knew from the bottom of his heart there would never be another woman for him.