Chapter Twelve
But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
I fall in and out of restless sleep on the way to Port Angeles. My mind spins with thoughts of Edward, replaying his messages over and over in my mind and whenever I close my eyes I'm plagued by green eyes and lopsided grins and copper hair in the early morning sunlight. When the train eventually pulls to a stop at the station, I'm light-headed from lack of sleep and stiff from the cold of the carriage.
I stand, stretching my limbs a little before grabbing my bag and exiting the train. The station is fairly busy at this time of day, filled with early morning commuters.
I pick my way through the throngs of people looking for Charlie. Eventually, I see his dark hair in the distance and he gives me an awkward wave. I carefully make my way over to him.
"Hey Bells" he says gruffly, giving me a slightly awkward one-armed hug. Charlie isn't known for being tactile.
"Hey dad" I say, breathing in the familiar smell of his flannel shirt and old jacket. Something about it makes me breathe a little easier.
"You ready to go?" He asks, picking up my bags when I nod. We walk out of the station and head towards the parking lot.
I hope he hasn't brought the police cruiser…
As we make our way through the parking lot I see the telltale rusty orange of my dad's old Chevy truck. Charlie unlocks the door and puts my bags on the center seat before climbing in behind the wheel. I heave myself up into the passenger seat, shutting the door on the cold, drizzly morning outside.
Charlie turns the key and the engine rumbles to life before we drive out of the parking lot, turning onto the highway.
"So, how is everything?" Charlie asks after a while.
"It's okay" I reply, leaning back in the seat. "Works good" I say.
He nods a little before continuing to speak.
"So what brought on the sudden urge to see your old dad?" He asks, smiling a little at me from the driver's side.
I shrug a little and turn to look out of my window.
"I said last night. I wanted to see you before Christmas so I could give you your gift and now seemed like the perfect time." I reply, my voice quiet.
He hums a little but drops it. As we drive down the highway, I watch the rain hit the window and slowly start to feel my eyes close, lulled by the dull hum of the engine and the warmth from the heater.
Sometime later, I'm being shaken awake. I open my eyes and look around myself.
"Bells, we're here" Charlie says, opening the driver's door and stepping out.
I look out the windscreen and see the old familiar house in front of us. It's exactly the same as when I left it after graduating high school. It still needs a lick of paint, the garden still looks a little overgrown and the front porch steps still creak as Charlie walks up them.
"Coming Bells?" I hear him call as he turns to look back at me from the porch. I nod and hop out of the truck, hurrying to catch him up.
Charlie unlocks the front door and then shoulders it open, dropping my bag in the hallway. I follow in behind him and breathe in the smell of my childhood home. It's exactly as it has always been. A little tired, a little worn, but home nonetheless.
"Want a cup of coffee?" Charlie asks, walking into the small kitchen.
"Sure" I reply, taking off my jacket and hanging it on the hook in the hall. "Can I help?" I call to him.
"No I'm good Bells. You go sit in the living room. You must be tired" He calls back, dropping something.
I walk into the living room and take a seat on the old couch. I don't think I can ever remember a different one. I lean back into the corner, getting comfortable and listen to Charlie moving around in the kitchen, turning on the coffee machine and getting out mugs for us. I feel my eyes getting heavy and my breathing start to even out.
"Here we go Bells" Charlie says, suddenly in front of me.
"Sorry" I reply, sitting up and taking one of the mugs from him.
"That's okay. You had a long night." He replies, taking a seat in the chair on the other side of the living room. I sip my coffee, enjoying the warmth it brings as it slips down.
"So I don't want to pry...but I am your father at the end of the day" Charlie says, leaning back in his chair and fixing me with a stare I've seen a hundred times before.
Oh god, he's going to get serious.
"Why have you really come all the way down here Bella?" He asks, "Not that I'm not happy to see you" he adds.
I sigh and lower my coffee to my lap.
"I just needed some time away from the city...away from everyone else" I say, shrugging a little.
"Why?" He asks
Because I caught feelings while having a sexual relationship with my best friend...
I'm silent for a moment, thinking over my answer.
"I had a bit of a...falling out...with Edward and I needed to get away for a bit" I say quietly, my eyes turned down, staring at my coffee.
"What was the falling out about?" Charlie continues.
"Just...friendship stuff Dad" I reply, sipping my coffee. "Plus, I did actually want to see you" I add.
Charlie hums a little but drops it. We continue to drink our coffee in silence until Charlie sees me stifle a yawn.
"Come on, go have a nap for a few hours. I've made up your old room for you." Charlie tells me.
"Thanks Dad" I reply, standing and walking towards the stairs, placing my hand on his shoulder as I pass.
I grab my bag from the hallway and make my way upstairs to the second floor. I walk down the hall and open the door to my old room. It's still decorated exactly as I left it, purple with pale blue curtains. My bed is the same and my old desk still stands by the window, the old dresser on the other side with the drawer that never closed properly. I make my way to the bed, crawling under the covers and almost immediately falling into a mercilessly dreamless sleep.
When my eyes flutter open a few hours later, I'm confused by where I am. After a moment, I remember and burrow further under the duvet, ignoring the ache in my chest.
As I lie in my old room I can't help but think of Edward. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking about, whether he's messaged me or missing me. I try to shake it from my mind but I can't seem to help myself. Eventually, I decide the get-up and do something.
I shuffle about in my room, digging through my suitcase to find my toiletries bag. Once I've located it I pad down the hallway to the bathroom, deciding to take a quick shower to wake me up. I turn on the water and undress while it heats up.
As I step under the spray, I feel my muscles relax, the pounding heat helping to wash away all the tears and grime from the day and night before. I take my time, shampooing my hair, lathering my body with soap and exfoliating until I'm baby soft. When I'm finished, I switch off the water and get out to dry off. As I drop the towel slightly, I notice a mark, just where my neck meets my collarbone. I lean forward to look closer in the mirror.
A lovebite. Edward's lovebite.
I feel my eyes sting with tears at the memory of him, the smell of him, the feel of him moving on top of me, marking me, making me his.
I swallow down the tears I feel rising and quickly wrap my towel around me before padding back to my room and dressing in clean clothes. I choose something with a higher neck that will stop me from seeing the mark.
I make my way downstairs to find Charlie watching football on TV.
"Hey" he says when he sees me. "You feeling better?" He asks.
"Yeah, I feel a bit more human now" I reply. "What's the time?" I ask.
"Just coming up to 2pm" He replies. "You hungry? There's some cheese in the fridge" He says, pointing to the kitchen.
"Yeah, thanks" I reply, walking into the kitchen to make a sandwich. I hadn't realised how hungry I was until now, having not eaten since last night. Once I've made my food I return to the living room, sitting down on the couch and staring mindlessly at the game on TV.
"Do you have any idea of what you want for dinner?" I ask quietly. Charlie turns to look at me.
"I didn't know if you wanted to go to the diner tonight." He replies. I nod, shrugging a little in agreement.
Once I've finished my sandwich I tell Charlie I'm going to use the phone to call Alice quickly. When he asks what happened to my phone, I lie and say it ran out of battery.
"Hey Allie" I say when she picks up the phone.
"Bells! Hey, did you get to your dad's safely?" She asks.
"Yeah I got here a few hours ago. I just wanted to check in with you." I reply.
"That's good. He must be pleased to see you." She says conversationally.
"Yeah he is I think" I reply with a small smile. There's a beat of silence on the other end of the phone and before I can help myself I hear my voice ask, "Is everything okay there?"
I'm a masochist.
"Er..yeah everything's fine." Alice replies. I'm silent for a moment waiting for her to continue.
"Allie what?" I ask when she doesn't say any more.
"Urgh, I wasn't sure whether to tell you or not, but since you asked, Edward turned up here this morning. He was looking for you. I said that you had gone to your dad's and that you would be back on Monday. He didn't look good Bella..." She says quietly.
I feel my heartbeat increase when Alice mentions his name. I'm silent, unsure what to say.
"What did he say?" I ask quietly, cursing myself for caring.
"He wanted to speak to you. I think he thought I was lying when I said you weren't here. He said he wanted to apologise to you, that you didn't see what you think you saw and that he would never have done that to you. That you were..." Alice trails off slightly, unsure whether to continue.
"That I was what?" I ask, my voice a whisper.
"That you were important." Alice replies. I feel the lump in my throat grow and my skin prickle. "I didn't know whether to tell you or not Bells, but I thought you deserved to know." She says quietly when I don't respond.
"Yeah. Thank you Allie" I reply. "I'm gonna go but I'll see you on Monday" I say. We say our goodbyes before we hang up.
When I return to the living room I see Charlie look at me from the corner of his eye.
"You okay?" He asks me casually.
"Yeah. I'll be fine" I reply.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. Charlie and I watch TV and hang out at the house for most of the day before heading out to the diner in the evening. It's like old times. Charlie orders a burger and I tell him he eats too much red meat. He rolls his eyes and ignores me. We talk about everything and nothing and it's exactly what I needed. For a few short hours, it takes my mind off of Edward.
When we get home in the evening, there's a truck parked out front.
"Billy!" Charlie calls as he gets out of the truck. I get out to see my dad's oldest friend Billy Black in the driveway, smiling at us.
"My goodness! Is that little Bella Swan?!" He calls back as I walk nearer him.
"Hey Billy! How you been?" I reply, giving him a hug. He smells like cigarettes and I feel my stomach drop. I force a smile on my face as I pull away.
"I'm good, I'm good. My god, look at you all grown up" He says, taking me in. I blush a little under his gaze. "You remember my son Jacob don't you?" he says, moving to the side slightly and revealing a very tall, very muscular young man.
"Yeah, of course. Hey, how are you?" I ask with a smile. He smiles back, his brown eyes warm as he looks at me.
"Hey Bells. Yeah I'm really good, you?" He asks, giving me a quick hug.
"Yeah not too bad" I reply.
"Well we didn't want to interrupt you guys, but we had a couple of fish spare and thought you might appreciate them Charlie" Billy says, handing Charlie a cool box.
"Thanks Billy, that's great" he replies, placing the box on the porch steps.
"So are you here for long?" Jacob asks me.
"Oh er..just till Monday" I reply, looking up at his gigantic height. Jacob nods. Charlie and Billy talk for a couple more minutes before Billy tells Jacob they should get home to Sue.
"It was nice to see you again Bella" Billy says as he walks past me.
"You too Billy." I reply. Just as they go to leave, Jacob suddenly runs back.
"Er...Bells, as you're only here till Monday I wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee or something...maybe tomorrow afternoon?" Jacob asks, his voice a little breathless.
"Oh er..." I respond, a little taken aback "yeah, that would be great".
"Great" Jacob says with a beaming smile, "see you tomorrow then". I nod as he runs back to his father and they turn to walk down the street.
Charlie grabs the coolbox from the porch and opens the front door, holding it open for me. Charlie heads into the kitchen, sticking the coolbox in the freezer before announcing that he's going to head to bed. I agree.
When I finally make it to my room and am settled under the covers, my thoughts are overwhelming.
Edward turned up at the apartment.
Edward wanted to apologise.
Edward said that I was important.
I close my eyes, willing myself to sleep. I try to think about the next day, about hanging out with Jake. It's been years since I've seen him and it will be good to spend some time with him before I leave on Monday. I think about how much he's changed in the few years I've been gone. He's taller and has obviously bulked up, but he's also a man now, not the boy I once knew.
As I drift off to sleep I think about dark hair and tanned skin. But the last thing I see before I slip into unconsciousness are two pained green eyes.
When morning comes, I get up and shower, padding down to the kitchen to find Charlie making coffee.
"Hey Bells, want one?" He asks when he sees me enter.
"Yeah please" I reply. "Want to have your gift today?" I ask, smiling at him a little.
"Before Christmas?" He replies. "You sure you're okay with that?"
"Yes Dad" I reply, rolling my eyes slightly. "I think I'll cope".
His mustache twitches as he pours the coffee before handing me a mug. I run upstairs to grab his gift and Charlie disappears into the unused dining room to grab mine. When I return to the living room, he's sat in his chair, a small parcel and card on his knee.
"Here you are Bells" He says, passing me the gifts.
"Thanks" I reply, handing him his. I sit on the couch, tucking my legs underneath myself, sipping my coffee. I open the card first and a hundred dollars flutters out.
"Dad, this is too much!" I cry. He shrugs awkwardly.
"I don't know what you'd want really so I thought you could buy yourself something nice when you're back home" He smiles slightly. "The present is just a token" he continues.
I collect up the money and carefully place it on the table before opening the parcel. Inside is a brand new can of pepper spray. I laugh loudly, the first time in days.
"That's great Dad" I say to him, my eyes meeting his. He smiles at me.
"You never know Bells." He replies.
"Open yours" I say to him, sitting back on the couch. He tears the paper off, revealing a few fishing tackle bits.
"Thanks Bells, that's exactly what I needed" He says, smiling at me. I shrug slightly, unsure whether he's being truthful but grateful either way.
"Do you have plans for today?" Charlie asks, sipping his coffee and placing his gift down on the coffee table.
"Well, Jacob asked I wanted to go get a coffee with him this afternoon, to catch up" I reply, sipping my own drink. Charlie nods at me.
"That's nice. He's a good kid" He replies, his mustache twitching slightly. I nod a little.
We have a lazy morning, lounging in the living room, talking and half watching the TV. When lunchtime rolls around I make us a quick sandwich before heading upstairs to get ready for when Jacob comes over.
I dress in jeans and a thick sweater. I brush my hair and apply some light makeup. I'm just pulling on my boots when I hear a knock at the front door and Charlie go to answer it. I hear low voices and see Jacob's warm smile as I descend the stairs.
"Hey Jake" I say, smiling slightly as I make my way to the door.
"Hey Bells" He says. "You ready to go?" He asks gently.
"Yeah" I reply, grabbing my coat and saying goodbye to Charlie.
Jacob and I head out the driveway before turning onto the road and making our way to the main street.
"So why you back in Forks?" Jacob asks as we walk.
"Oh I came to see Charlie before Christmas and give him his gift" I reply, shrugging slightly.
"That's nice. He must be pleased to have you back" Jacob says. I smile and nod.
As we walk we chat about anything and everything. When we reach the one coffee shop in town, Jacob holds the door open for me and buys me a coffee before taking the seat opposite me at the table in the corner.
"So what about you? What are you doing now?" I ask as I sip my drink.
"I work at the local garage in town" He says, sipping his own coffee.
"Oh that's cool" I say with a smile. "I remember you were always fixing stuff up when we were kids" I say.
"Yeah, I helped fix up your Dad's truck when you used it in high school" He says, nodding slightly.
We continue to ask each other questions. Jacob tells me all about his job at the garage and I tell him about some of the books I've been involved with at work. He asks about living in Seattle and the friends I have there. I tell him all about my little group, making him laugh with tales of Emmett's mishaps and Rose's snarky remarks.
"So is there someone special back home?" Jacob eventually asks.
I go silent, feeling my face fall slightly and that lump reappears in my throat.
"I haven't got a boyfriend." I eventually reply. Jacob nods.
"But there is someone." He says rather than asks, his eyes meeting mine.
I hesitate for a moment.
"There was...a moment...when I thought perhaps there was. But now, I'm not so sure." I reply quietly. Jacob nods again, turning to look out the window.
"What about you?" I ask, trying to ignore the pain in my chest.
"Me? Nah" He says, a small smile on his face. Eventually, he turns the conversation back to lighter subjects.
When it starts to get dark Jacob suggests he walks me home. I agree, smiling and rising from my seat. We walk back down the street, lit only by the few streetlights along the way.
As we turn back into the driveway I can see the front room light is on and Charlie sitting in his chair. I stand at the bottom of the front porch steps and turn to face Jacob.
"Well thank you for a lovely afternoon Jacob" I say, smiling at him.
"It was my pleasure" He says sincerely but all I can hear is Edward saying the same words, his voice filled with innuendo. As I turn to climb the porch steps Jacob suddenly speaks.
"Bells, I don't know what happened with the guy you liked but..." he hesitates as I look at him, one eyebrow raised slightly, "but if it doesn't work out and you ever wanted to hang out with someone...I would be up for that." Jacob says awkwardly. I'm a bit taken aback by his admission. I look at him for a moment, seeing him as the man in front of me rather than the boy I once knew. He is gorgeous and incredibly kind but I can't help that when I look at him, all I see, all I want to see is Edward.
"Thanks Jacob. That means a lot to me" I reply, smiling at him softly. He nods and smiles back, walking backward slightly.
"Okay well, goodnight Bells. Have a safe trip back tomorrow" He says, giving me a smile.
"Thanks Jacob, goodnight" I reply, watching as he turns and walks away.
As I enter the house I hear Charlie call out to me. I hang up my jacket before rounding the corner into the living room.
"Did you have a good time?" Charlie asks as I sit on the couch.
"Yeah it was nice to catch up with him" I say quietly. We sit in silence for a while, watching the TV.
"So you're train is at 5:30pm tomorrow?" Charlie suddenly asks.
"Yeah, I get into Seattle at about half nine" I reply.
"Okay" Charlie replies. Eventually, I get up to make some dinner, throwing a quick pasta dish together.
As I'm cooking, I can't help but remember the evening that Edward cooked for me, how we'd laughed and talked as he did. I feel the burn of tears in the back of my throat. I swallow them down.
Once the food is ready, I take two plates into the living room, passing one to Charlie before taking a seat myself. We eat in silence, the only sound in the room coming from the TV.
"This is good Bells" Charlie says after a few moments. "I've missed your home cooking" He says with a small smile.
"Thanks Dad" I reply.
We continue to talk throughout the evening until I decide that I'm going to head up to bed. Charlie wishes me goodnight as I head towards the stairs.
When I reach my room, I grab my toiletries and head into the bathroom, wiping away my makeup and cleaning my teeth. When I return, I change into my pajamas before crawling under the bedsheets.
I lie awake for a long time, thinking about the day, about Jacob, about what I'm going to do about Edward. I hear Charlie come up to bed a while later, then I hear the owl outside my bedroom window.
I toss and turn until the small hours before I finally fall asleep.
In the morning, I wake late, making up for my restless night. I sigh, scrubbing a hand across my face before getting out of bed and heading down the hall to take a quick shower. As I dry myself, I make sure not to look in the mirror at the fading mark on my neck. I return to my room, dressing in some jeans and a sweater, brushing my hair and leaving it to dry naturally.
As I descend the stairs I hear Charlie whistling in the kitchen, probably making an enormous mess.
"Morning" I say as I enter the kitchen.
"Morning Bells. You okay? You slept in." He asks, turning to pour me a cup of coffee.
"Yeah sorry, I didn't sleep great" I reply, smiling at him gratefully as I take the mug he offers. Charlie nods.
"I made toast. Want some?" He says.
"Sure" I smile a little as he butters me a slice. When he hands me the plate we head into the living room. Me taking a seat on the couch and Charlie his chair.
We eat in silence for a while. I can hear birds outside the window.
"So why didn't you sleep well?" Charlie asks, taking a bite of his breakfast.
"I don't know. I had a lot going around in my head I guess" I reply quietly.
Charlie hums, silent for a few moments.
"So have you decided how you're going to handle your friendship problems with Edward?" Charlie asks, his eyes fixed on his coffee.
I sigh quietly, shaking my head a little.
"No. I don't know what to do." I say.
Suddenly, Charlie looks at me, his eyes serious.
"Why don't you tell me what really happened Bella because don't you think for one minute I believe that friendship problem shit." He says gently, his eyes on mine.
I'm silent, unable to speak for a few moments. Then my eyes fill with tears and my face crumbles. Charlie moves to the couch to sit next to me, wrapping one strong arm around my shoulders.
"Come on Bells, tell me what's going on" Charlie says softly.
"It's all just such a mess" I reply, sniffing as I wipe my eyes.
"Well, if you tell me about it maybe we can work it out together" He replies.
I sigh and wipe my nose on my sleeve. Then I take a deep breath and tell him everything, right from the beginning. I leave out the gory details because I don't think either of us need to deal with that but I think he gets the gist. When I've finished, he's quiet for a long time.
"Well..." Charlie eventually says, letting out a long breath.
"I know.." I reply, wiping the last few tears from my eyes.
"So what are you thinking now? Now that you've had a few days to mull it over." Charlie asks.
"I don't know. Part of me thinks what if Edward isn't sincere, what if he doesn't care about me like I care about him, what if there's always going to be another Tanya." Charlie nods slightly.
"And the other part?" He asks quietly.
"The other part says what if I never get over him, what if I meet someone and it's going well but I always wish it was him, what if nothing else compares to him." I sigh. "I don't know what I'm doing..."
"Well Bells, here's my two penneth," Charlie says, leaning forward and fixing his eyes on mine.
"Edward's been an idiot. A big one. But from personal experience, all men have to go through that phase at some point in their lives and it's the main reason they eventually grow up." I smile at him a little, his mustache twitches in response.
"I know you have a lot of what-ifs floating around in your head but let me tell you, you're always going to have that. Whoever you end up with, whatever they do or don't. And as far as not knowing what you're doing, part of growing up is realising that no one knows what they're doing either." I drop my eyes to my lap.
"I'm not saying you have to forgive Edward or that you even should but perhaps you should at least give him the opportunity to prove to you how much you mean to him. All this time it sounds like you've been everything Edward needs -friend, confidant, lover...whatever." I blush a little and Charlie clears his throat.
"Maybe you need to give him the opportunity to prove he can be what you need too. At the end of the day Bells, I can't tell you what the right thing is but if a man really cares about you then he will fight for you, truly fight for you, and leave you in no doubt about how much he loves you."
I sniffle again, nodding a little as he speaks.
"But what if he doesn't...prove it to me?" I whisper, looking into his deep brown eyes.
"There's another one of those what-ifs. But let me ask you a what if Bella. What if he does?"