Thank you all again for your wonderful reviews!
Since I plan to post the next chapter again on Saturday I want to take the opportunity to wish you all a happy new year!
Wedding bells and broken hearts
Chapter 7
"Amy, if you are ready, I'd really like for us to talk now."
Amy
She froze. Yes, he was right. They had to talk. But she still did not know what to say to him. Anxiety crept up her spine. For a second, she pondered pretending to be asleep already.
But there was so much vulnerability in his voice when he asked. She realized it was hard for him too.
Reluctantly she moved up to sit beside him. "I guess we should.", she mumbled.
Sheldon
He had a hard time resisting the urge to hold her again, when he saw her lying in her bed. It would have been so easy, just to slip under the covers and feel the warmth of her body.
But he knew, they could not keep doing this without knowing what was going on. He needed to know if there still was a chance for them.
"You left the door open for me. You wanted me to hold you again.", he began. "Why?"
She looked insecure when she glanced up to him. "You started it, Sheldon. You came here.", she answered defiantly. "Why?"
He sighed deeply. He should have started this differently. But it was so hard. He was not used to it, talking about his feelings. They were not getting anywhere like this. One of them would have to admit something.
"You were sad. I did that for you years ago before we even started dating, remember?" He paused and took a deep breath. Tell her how you feel. "And I admit, part of me did it, because I wanted to. Because… I… I enjoy holding you, Amy. I like how close to you it makes me feel."
Her eyes shot to him. "You do?"
"Yes. I do. But you must have already deduced that, didn't you?" He tried to figure out if he was right, but again he could not read her.
"I guess so. Or at least part of me suspected it after last night.", she admitted, and he sighed in relief when she continued. "For what it's worth, I enjoyed it too."
They were silent for a while. It was a start, but he needed to know more.
"You still love me." He looked at her imploringly, even though it was more a statement than a question.
She tried to avoid his gaze. "Yes.", she whispered finally. His heart pounded in his chest. Oh, thank God!
"I can't believe you ever doubted that, Sheldon. In five years, I never gave you any reason to doubt my feelings for you." She sounded accusingly now.
"You broke up with me, Amy. I don't think it's customary to break up with someone you're still in love with." She still did not look at him, so he asked. He had to know.
"Then why, Amy? Why did you break up with me?"
She huffed. Why did she huff? This was a valid question, wasn't it?
"I told you last night, Sheldon. You left me no other choice. You insulted me in front of our friends when I had asked you for time to think."
He shook his head. "I understand that, Amy. But what I don't understand is, why did you need time in the first place. I've been trying to figure it out. Please, Amy, help me understand. Walk me through what led to this. What went wrong?"
He looked at her pleadingly. Even though he had a hunch after talking to meemaw, he needed to hear the exact reason from her. There could not be any more misunderstandings between them.
Amy
She forced herself to look at him. He seemed so insecure. She had hardly ever seen him like this. Who knew this would affect him like this?
He deserved to know the truth, she realized. But it was hard. She had made it a habit, not telling him about how she felt. Or what she wanted from him.
She took a deep breath.
"Sheldon, you know that I wanted our relationship to move forward more than you did. This is no secret."
He looked at her seriously. "You mean coitus. You said our relationship was physically challenging. Is that what you meant?"
Amy felt her cheeks redden. Since when was he so blunt about this.
"No, Sheldon. This is not about sex. While yes, I always wanted to have a more intimate relationship with you, I do understand that you are not ready for that."
He was looking at her strangely. She knew this was an uncomfortable topic for him, so she continued.
"Look, Sheldon, I know this is not easy for you to hear, but for a while now, I've wanted to become a more integral part of your life. And the fact that you don't seem interested in that, it hurts."
She noticed him looking away. Maybe she should not have said anything. He would just leave again if she said too much.
"Sheldon, listen. I know how hard this is for you. And I know you did not hurt me on purpose…"
He shook his head and met her gaze again.
"You're right. I never had any intention to hurt you. Not you of all people. But I don't understand. What makes you think I am not interested in moving forward with you? I thought that was what we were doing."
She gaped at him.
"What do you mean?"
He seemed to hesitate. "Amy, I am aware I was reluctant in the past. I… I had a hard time keeping up with the things you wanted at times."
"Because I used to push you too hard.", she said quietly. "I tried to make you do things you did not want to do."
He smiled at her weakly. "No, Amy. Well, maybe sometimes. But that's okay. I realize, I might have needed a little push now and then. Otherwise, we would have never come as far as we did."
"Really?" She could only stare at him. "Because sometimes I wasn't even sure you wanted to be my boyfriend. Or at least that being my boyfriend was not a real priority to you."
Tears filled her eyes again. Saying it out loud made all the pain come up again.
Sheldon
He had not seen that coming. So maybe his meemaw had been right.
"Of course, I wanted to be your boyfriend, Amy. I wanted it long before I was ready to admit it to myself. I spent the most part of my life telling everyone I was above feelings and relationship. And yes, I may have been trying to avoid moving forward with you in the past. Because I was not ready then."
"In the past? When did that change?" She looked at him with furrowed brows.
How could she not have seen it? Maybe she was not that good at reading social situations either. Or maybe he had just done a lousy job showing her.
"Last year.", he answered truthfully. "While I was gone. Amy, did you not notice how much closer we got since then? We've been spending so much more time together."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, sure. Because I made you compensate for the date nights you missed while you were away."
He looked at her incredulously. He had been right, biologists really were bad at math. "Amy, I was gone for a little more than forty days. Our relationship agreement required us to have date night once a month. For compensation it would have been sufficient to have one, maybe two extra ones. Instead, we've been having dates almost every week for the past year."
Amy gaped at him. "You… you wanted this? It was on purpose? Not just to fulfill an agreement?"
"Of course." It was his turn to roll his eyes. It seemed, meemaw had been right again. "Maybe I should have told you, Amy. About the things that were going through my mind this past year."
"Enlighten me." Was it his imagination or were there tears in her eyes?
He forced himself to continue. "While I was away on my train trip, I thought a lot about how much being with you changed my life. You know how I hate change, Amy."
A painful expression started to show on her face, so he continued quickly. He gathered his courage. It was not easy. But he had to let her know. Tell her about your feelings.
"But you see, I realized, I did not hate the change you brought on. You made my life so much better, Amy. That's how I came to the conclusion, that I must be in love with you. Then, after I was back, I tried to spend more time with you. Because I… I decided that I am ready Amy. I've wanted us to move forward."
He almost didn't dare look at her. Because now there were definitely tears in her eyes. And he had no clue if they were happy tears or not.
"Was it too late, Amy?", he asked softly.
Amy swallowed deeply. She looked as if she was letting his words sink in.
"I… I don't know what to say, Sheldon. It's not a question of it having been too late. It's more that I had no idea you were feeling like that. I… You should have said something. Honestly I have a hard time believing all of this."
He sighed in exasperation. She knew he could not lie to save a life. He could just fetch the engagement ring from his room and show her. He had still not managed to get rid of it after all. He was tempted to get it. Then maybe all this talking would be over, and they could resume their relationship.
But no, this was not how he wanted to do this. He needed her to believe in him first. In them. And in the back of his mind he knew, it was his own fault that she didn't anymore.
"It's the truth, Amy.", he mumbled. "And I am terribly sorry for making you doubt it."
She swallowed hard.
"Well let's say I believe you. Why did you apply to colonize Mars then?"
He had feared that might come up again. In hindsight it was a stupid idea to bring it up while they were looking at turtles. That one he was able to figure out all by himself.
"I guess I wanted to see if I would get picked. It sounded exciting. Exploring a new world, like they did on so many Star Trek episodes. Be among the first people on Mars. All the possibilities. But honestly, I only started thinking about it more when you agreed to go with me. That's when I realized another thing."
She looked at him expectantly. "Go on."
He took a deep breath. Tell her. Make her see how much she means to you. The words came surprisingly easy. "I could leave everyone else behind, Amy. Even Leonard. Even my whole family. But if you go with me, leaving does not feel so frightening. Not even leaving for a barely inhabitable planet without any chance to return to Earth. I'll be fine as long as we are together."
Amy
That was it. He had really put himself out there with his confession. Amy pinched herself. Was that really Sheldon, saying all those wonderful things to her? She had wanted him to confess something like that for years now. But still…
"Sheldon, do you realize how it felt, when you mentioned a TV show while we were kissing?" It had been the most intense kiss they had shared until now. It still hurt that it had meant so little to him. "It made me feel as if our anniversary meant nothing to you."
He looked down ashamed. "I've been made aware that this was exceptionally bad timing. But you know how my brain works, Amy. I think about so many things all at once. Even now. I can't turn it off. But when we kiss, it all slows down and there are just occasional thoughts popping up. I voiced thoughts while we were kissing before, remember? I didn't think it would bother you. You could have just told me it was inappropriate."
She blinked. He looked so serious. Sometimes his brilliance made it easy to forget his lack of understanding social situations.
"It bothered me, because it was a special night, Sheldon." Was it her imagination or did he wince at the words 'special night'? "I wanted this night to be about us. Just us. And you said none of your thoughts were about me. That was very hard to hear. That kiss… I thought it meant something. And then it felt like it was nothing to you. Like I was nothing." She felt small again, saying this and looked away.
"Amy…", he started and touched her face lightly to make her look back at him. "I am so sorry I made you feel like this. I had no idea. And no, I did not think about you. I didn't have to. You were there."
Huh? "What are you saying, Sheldon?"
He looked at her intensely. "I am saying, I do think about you. You are a priority, Amy. A much bigger one than you think, apparently. You are on my mind so often during the day. But when you are with me, I don't have to think about you. I just... feel you. And enjoy your presence."
Shivers ran down her spine when he said that. His voice hardly ever sounded so… low. So sensual.
"You… you feel me?", she whispered. "How?"
He moved closer and tentatively ran his fingers through her hair. "Well, there are so many things, Amy. But on that particular night, I smelled your perfume. It smelled flowery but not too prominent. Subtle. I heard you moan lightly when we kissed. I felt your soft lips on mine. I…" He sighed softly.
"I felt your leg tremble under my hand. Your whole presence around me." He had closed his eyes while talking and his voice hat gotten raspier. As if he was reliving their date night. His left hand rested on her right leg over her nightgown.
The air around them seemed to sizzle with electricity as his face moved closer to hers and she trembled in anticipation. Without even thinking, she met him halfway and both sighed deeply as their mouths connected for the first time since their failed anniversary.
His lips felt warm and soft as they met hers for a gentle kiss, moving over hers slowly, barely touching. She did not understand why, but she felt the urge to be even closer to him, so she moved both hands to his face and pulled him down as she deepened the kiss.
She lost herself in the feeling of finally kissing him again. Over and over, their lips met just softly. Both his hands wandered to her back, pulling her close to him. Her hands moved from his face to his neck and then to his shoulders, holding him tight.
"Wow.", he mumbled as he finally pulled away from her. "I'm sorry, Amy. I don't know what has gotten into me." He tried to pull his hands from her back, but she stopped him.
"It's okay." Her voice sounded hoarse.
"Amy…", he started again. "This is a mistake." He sounded remorseful.
Her hands slipped from his shoulders. A mistake? So, he had not enjoyed it? She had been imagining things again? "I… I'm sorry, Sheldon.", she mumbled, tears welling up again.
He was just staring at her, raising his eyebrows at her, smiling lightly.
"Why would you be sorry, Amy? I kissed you." She exhaled relieved. "And I loved every second of it. I love kissing you, Amy. Sometimes I am amazed how at ease I feel with you when the thought of having anyone near me like this used to repulse me."
He bit his lips. Remorse was visible in his eyes. "But we are broken up. There is no logic behind this. It's not right. Unless… do you think there is a chance for us to… to be together again?"
His blue eyes seemed to be looking right through her. He looked hopeful but also a scared. Insecure.
She looked away from his piercing stare. "I want to say yes, Sheldon, I do. The things you just told me… I have longed to hear something like it from you for so long. But this is all so… so…" She could not find the right word.
He held her face again and made her look at him. "Overwhelming.", he finished her sentence.
She looked up at him. She had hardly ever seen him look so sincere. But there was a lot of sadness in his eyes. Pain.
"Yes.", she confirmed. "How do you know?" This was a first. Him being able to identify a feeling before she could.
"Because, Amy, that's how I've been feeling for years now.", he mumbled.
Oh. She did not know what to say to him.
"I should have told you all of this sooner. I regret the fact that you doubted my feelings for you. I…", he breathed deeply. "I am sorry, Amy. I realize now that I should have made sure you know how much you mean to me. But Amy, is that really it? You are done with me?"
Looking into his eyes, still feeling her lips tingle from before, she realized that no, she was not done with him. Not by a long shot.
"No.", she answered. "No, Sheldon, but I am not ready to just jump back in. I haven't had any time to process any of this. It's… a lot."
It had been a lot before. And now with the things she had just heard… She needed to catalogue it. Find out how she could merge the Sheldon she had known for five years with this person who had just opened up to her and said everything she had ever dreamed of. And figure out if she was ready to open her heart for him again.
He smiled slightly. "I guess that's reasonable. But are you willing to think about it? Can we please forget I did not give you the time you asked for? Because I will, this time. I will give you as much time as you need."
She nodded weakly. It was exactly what she needed. And much more than she had hoped for. "Yes, Sheldon. That would be acceptable. We can reset our relationship to the point where I asked you for time. If this is what you really want."
Sheldon
Well, it was not exactly what he wanted. He wanted her to take him back right now. And then he wanted to do all the things he had planned to do on this trip. And of course, propose to her. Elope, if she was okay with that.
But he knew he needed to be patient. It was his only chance.
He figured, what she was willing to give him right now was more than enough. Probably more than he deserved. A weight fell off his chest. There was hope again.
They smiled at each other, and Sheldon leaned in and kissed her once again. Just a little peck on the lips. He could not resist. And to his delight she kissed him back softly.
"So, just to clarify. We are no longer broken up. Just… on a break. And you will think about things. Everything. What happened in the past and what we talked about tonight. And then maybe, we can fix this. Right?"
"Right.". She beamed at him. It was the most beautiful sight he had seen in a long time.
Finally, he let go of her and started to get off the bed.
"What are you doing?", she asked alarmed. He looked at her confused. Was he not supposed to go now?
"Don't you want me to leave now?", he asked. Had he misinterpreted her again? "You don't seem sad anymore and since you asked me for space to think, I assumed you would want to be alone."
She took a deep breath. It seemed that this was not what she had wanted at all.
"Uhm…", she stuttered. "Sheldon, since we still have to pretend to be a couple during the day, I don't see the point. I won't have space to think as long as we are here in Texas. So, we might as well hold on to each other. I mean only if you want. I know I do."
Did he want to? Oh boy.
She hadn't even finished her sentence until he was beside her again. "Sounds perfect." They smiled at each other again, then Amy pulled the covers over them and curled up on Sheldon's side just like the night before.
He wasted no time pulling her into his arms. He placed a soft kiss on her head. This was it. The way he wanted to fall asleep for the rest of his life.
Before Sheldon closed his eyes, he made three promises to himself.
A promise that he would keep his impatience in check and give Amy the time she needed.
A promise that - if she took him back - she would never again doubt how much he wanted her in his life.
And a promise that he would make those next few days count. Without their group of friends. Without work. Without distractions. Because she was right. They were stuck here anyway.
She could have all the distance she needed once they were back at home. But as long as they were here, and as long as she would let him, he would find a way to make her see how good they could be together.