Thank you all again. I love reading your reviews.

This chapter might be the most heartbreaking of this whole story so I apologize in advance, and I promise that from here on out, things will begin to look at least a little brighter again.

Wedding bells and broken hearts

Chapter 12

Sheldon

He woke up groggily in the dimly lit room. Thankfully the drapes were closed. The pain in his skull was throbbing and his throat felt dry. Parched even.

With great difficulty he sat up, trying to identify the reason for the pain that was present in his whole body. And in his heart.

The events that had led to his drinking came crashing down on him again. Taking a deep breath, he got up and walked over to the bathroom on wobbly feet.

He splashed cold water in his face. It felt refreshing and he wished he could just as easily clean his brain of the fog and his heart of the pain.

Then he filled a cup with cold water and drank from it. The thirst stayed even after emptying two cups of water and the nausea that came with it was almost overpowering.

He stumbled back to his bed and lay down again. The room was still spinning. How could he be so reckless to drink so much, he wondered?

As he turned on his side, something else kept nagging in his brain. Something horrible had happened. He felt guilty. He was ashamed. But why?

A damp washcloth was lying next to him. And his fist was hurting.

Why was his fist hurting?

He looked around in his room. There was a glass full of water on his nightstand that he had not seen before. And two pills. Painkillers.

That was weird. Had he been so thoughtful to prepare this despite being drunk?

That did not seem like him. But who was it then? Oh. Oh no…

Faint memories entered his mind.

He went to his room and then? Something happened. A body under him. Kisses. Screaming. Fighting. Amy?

Oh no… oh no, no, no.

He had been angry. And rightfully so. He still was.

But what had happened between them last night? As much as he tried, his memory did not get clearer.

He needed to make sure she was okay. That he had not hurt her.

Amy

Amy still felt exhausted when she woke up in the morning.

She had spent hours crying herself to sleep last night, still unable to process what had happened. She had been so hopeful, going to Sheldon's room.

The way he had looked at her. They had their little fights and disagreements during the five years they had known each other. But never had he looked at her with so much anger and hate.

And he had been so hurt.

Every time she closed her eyes, she remembered how devastated he had looked. Even more than a few days before.

She felt so guilty. Yes, he was right. He did not deserve this. She should have talked to him.

After the events of this week, it seemed so silly to her. All of it. If only she had realized sooner how he felt for her.

Things had been so good between them during the past months. So good in fact, that she had started hoping again for a future where they would be more than just girlfriend and boyfriend living in separate apartments.

But still, there had been times, when she felt all of this was more work than it should be. Times when she wished he would focus more on her. Times when she feared he would never be ready. She had told him all of this a few days ago.

And yes, she had vented to Penny and talked about the possibility of breaking up with him. It was true, she had complained about him. Especially after she found out he had applied to go to Mars.

She had spent five years with him already. How much longer could she wait? She was not getting any younger.

But despite her complaining to Penny, she had never really thought she wanted to break up with him. She loved him. She always had. And she couldn't believe, Penny had told Sheldon like this.

Her phone rang again. Penny had been trying to call her incessantly. She sighed. Now was a good time as ever to clear this up.

"Hello?"

"Amy? Thank God. I thought I'd never reach you. Listen, I talked to Sheldon yesterday. You're in Texas with him? Wow, that must be weird. How are you holding up?"

Amy sighed. Penny didn't even know what she had caused.

"I am aware of your talk with Sheldon. I was holding up fine, Penny. Before that. Before you chose to share things that I told you in confidence."

It took Penny a moment to reply.

"What do you mean? I just told him to respect your decision. It's hard enough for you to spend time with your ex-boyfriend as it is."

"You told him you knew I wanted to break up with him. And now he's so angry at me."

Penny sighed on the other line. "Well, he's mad at me too. He said I should have told him before. Or at least told you to talk to him. He sounded really hurt, Amy."

Amy's heart sank. She did not know if she would have listened to Penny. But it confirmed how much Sheldon was hurt by her not talking to him.

"Well, be it as it may, this whole thing probably ruined our chances to get back together again."

She was starting to cry again.

"Whoa, Amy, wait a minute. You wanted to get back together again? I did not know that. And why would you want to get back together with him anyway? I mean, he was a horrible boyfriend."

She huffed. "I know you think that, Penny. You. Not me. I have no idea why you say something like that to Sheldon."

"Sweetie, I remember you complaining about his behavior. A lot. It was exhausting, really. But I was always on your side in this. I would have broken up with him years ago."

Amy took a deep breath. "Well, how would it make you feel, if I told Leonard about everything you complained about over the years? Or if I told him that some time ago you wanted to break up with him but then slept with him just because of his puppy dog eyes? Or anything else we talked about on girls' night? I…"

She huffed.

"I thought I could trust you, Penny. I needed to get things off my chest. I… I know you like gossiping but I thought there was a line somewhere."

"Fair point." Penny sighed.

"Listen, Amy, I am sorry. Had I known you wanted to get back together with him, I would have kept my mouth shut. But seriously, are you sure about this? Do you really want him back?"

"I am." She replied firmly. "I never wanted to break up with him in the first place."

"Oh sweetie…", Penny replied. "You can tell yourself that all you want but the thing is… you did."

"I know.", she breathed out. "And I never should have done it. I wish I could take it back."

"Really, Amy?", Penny implored further.

"Because you really spent a lot of time complaining about Sheldon these past few years. Do you really want to be with someone who brings work to your date nights? Whose biggest step forward after years is getting a turtle together – which by the way you didn't even do? And not to forget, he can't even touch you."

Amy bit her lips. Sheldon had touched her. But Penny did not need to know that.

"Oh, so you think I should rather be with someone who lies to me to get sex? Or sends pictures of me in a bikini to his high school friends? Or gets jealous as soon as I have a male friend and lies about being in a gang?"

"Or kisses some other girl on a boat…"

What was that?

"He did what?", Amy asked surprised.

"Not important." Penny mumbled. "But Amy, that's my husband you're talking about. And now you're telling me you think I should not be with him?"

"No, Penny. That's not what I am saying at all. I am just trying to get you to understand. I could never imagine being with someone like Leonard. And I don't have to. But you two are perfect for each other. Just like me and Sheldon."

She had to wipe away her tears before she could continue.

"We all have our flaws, Penny. All of us. We all did stupid things that our significant others could complain about. And you don't have to understand why I want to be with Sheldon. But I do. And I hate myself for hurting him like this."

There was a short silence on the other line.

"I am sorry, Amy.", Penny mumbled finally. "You are right. I should not have said anything. Please, let me fix this. I'll just call Sheldon again and tell him I made it all up."

"No.", Amy replied firmly. "No, that would be wrong. You can't fix this for me, Penny. Just stay out of it, please."

Penny sighed again. "Well, what are you going to do now?"

She took a deep breath. "I will do, what I should have done months ago. I will talk to him. I will explain myself. And I will apologize. And hopefully he will forgive me for not doing that sooner."

She grabbed a tissue to wipe the tears from her eyes.

But as she wanted to dispose of it, she saw a strange piece of fabric in the trashcan that seemed to be using up all the space. Curious.

"Alright, Amy, I will stay out of it. When will you be home again? I really hope we can have a girl's night soon. I… I miss you. And I hope you believe me that I am really sorry for causing problems…"

Amy had gotten the fabric out of the trashcan and shook it out. It seemed to be some sort of banner. With one hand she lay it on the floor and straightened it out.

Then she gasped. Congratulations on your engagement.

"I… I need to hang up now, Penny. I'll call you when I am home. I promise. And then I want to hear everything about this 'Leonard kissing another woman'-thing."

She hung up and sat down to look at the banner, wide-eyed.

What was that? Had the previous guests left it here?

No that did not make any sense. Someone would surely have taken out the trash between their stays.

But that meant… no… no, no, no.

She covered her mouth with both her hands.

Had Sheldon wanted to propose to her? It was the only logical explanation.

But when? Probably before they arrived in Texas.

And didn't he insist on taking her bag to the room? So, he had wanted to be here first to remove the banner. Because he did not want her to know about this.

The way Mary and Missy had inspected her hand entered her mind. Missy referring to her as her future sister-in-law, wanting to be her bridesmaid.

"And now you'll probably never wear the ring." She started to feel dizzy.

It all made sense now. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fitted together perfectly.

How could she not have seen it before?

Oh, dear God, what had she done?

He had wanted to propose. He had wanted them to move forward.

He had booked this room to celebrate their engagement. As a surprise for her.

Tears filled her eyes again.

He had wanted to give her everything she had ever dreamed of. How could she have underestimated him like that?

She should have just talked to him. If only she would have had the courage to. None of this would have happened.

He had wanted to marry her. And she had broken his heart.

It seemed even more cruel now than before.

No wonder he was so mad at her.

It was gut wrenching. She had lost him. Probably for good this time.

Knock, knock, knock, Amy. Knock, knock, knock, Amy. Knock, knock, knock, Amy.

She jumped up.

What did he want? Argue with her some more? Make her leave Texas right now?

He did not sound angry though.

She stuffed the banner back into the trashcan and straightened out her nightgown.

Apprehensively, she opened the door and gasped when she saw Sheldon's face. Bloodshot eyes. To say he looked distraught would be a huge understatement.

His hair was still messed up and it didn't look like he was wearing his pajamas under his robe.

He entered the room and looked down on the floor. "Thanks for the painkillers. I mean, I assume that was you. I… I really needed them this morning, so… thank you."

"Oh…" She was still trying to regain her composure. "You're welcome, Sheldon."

He still did not look at her.

"Amy… I am really embarrassed about this, but I only remember partly what happened last night. Did I… uhm… did I hurt you in any way? Are you alright?"

She sighed. "Yes, I am alright. And no, Sheldon. You did not. You could never hurt me."

"My… uhm… my fist hurts. Do you know what happened there?"

"You banged it into the wall. You… you were very angry, Sheldon."

He looked at her then for the first time. His eyes full of remorse. "But I kissed you, didn't I? I touched you. Probably without consent. And I said things. Mean things."

So, he did remember a little. "Sheldon… yes you kissed me. But you stopped as soon as I told you to. And the things you said? They were justified. You were angry. And drunk. I am okay. Really. And I am glad you are here."

He looked a little less distraught. "You don't hate me then?", he clarified.

"I could never hate you, Sheldon.", she answered softly. "But last night it felt like you hated me."

He sighed deeply. "I never hated you, Amy. I was just so mad at you. I… I still am to be honest."

She took another step in his direction. She had to talk this out. As hard as it was.

"I noticed that. Honestly, seeing you so angry at me was a lot scarier than anything else. You… I understand you are angry because I had been talking to Penny about breaking up with you."

He nodded. "Why did you not tell me, Amy?", he asked with a sad voice. "You always told me about those things before."

"Because…", she sighed. "Sheldon, I was frustrated at times, you know that. But I always wanted us to work, please believe me. I was just venting to a friend."

"Really?", he implored, looking at her seriously. "Because you did break up with me. So, part of you must have been more than just venting."

She bit her lips. Yes, he was right about that.

"Well, part of me… was getting impatient. That part was getting tired of just being an afterthought. While watching our friends' relationship getting more serious. They were moving in together, getting engaged, getting married."

"But we made progress too.", he argued.

"I know that, Sheldon. And we talked about all of this already. We cleared it all up."

"We did. But Amy, you did not tell me the whole truth. You said you did not want to break up with me. That you only did it because you felt cornered. And now that I know that you thought about it before, I am back to wondering why you did not talk to me. Why did you not give me a chance to fix things? You used to tell me, Amy. Like when I brought Raj to our anniversary. Or on Valentine's Day on that train. You always spoke your mind. You made sure I knew how you felt."

She took a deep breath. Apparently, he really had not heard her the day before or maybe he did not remember, so she had to repeat the thing that had been nagging at her soul for more than a year now.

"I am sorry, Sheldon. I know I should have. But the last time I told you what I wanted from this relationship, you got on a train without saying good-bye. You made it perfectly clear then, that you were not ready for the things I wanted. You mocked them and then you ran out and I did not see you again for more than a month. I was scared I would lose you if I pushed too hard. That you would run away again. For good."

She looked at him pleadingly, hoping he would understand. Hoping he would not get angry again. But he did not look angry. Just sad.

"So that's the moment when I really lost you, huh? That's when you started to give up on us."

She said nothing. It hurt too much.

"Amy, we talked about my trip a few days ago. You already know, what I realized on that trip. It was important that I went. But do you still not understand why I had to go?"

She shook her head. "I know why you left, Sheldon. Everything was changing too quickly. And I pushed too hard. The thought of us moving in together was so horrifying for you that you just had to leave."

She averted her eyes. It still hurt as much as the day when he left.

"That's not true." He said it so softly, she had to look back at him.

"You are so wrong about this, Amy. I realize now, I should have told you. Maybe none of this would have happened if I did."

"Then tell me now.", she asked. "Why did you really leave, Sheldon?"

It was not easy for him. She could tell.

"Amy, you are right. Everything was too much. Leonard and Penny wanting to live together without me. The university crushing my ideas to switch fields. And then the comic book store burning down."

He swallowed deeply before continuing.

"But when you mentioned us moving in together, that wasn't something new. You tried to get me to move in with you before. More than once. And I always thought it was preposterous. Like something that could never happen. But when you said it on that day, I realized it did not sound that crazy anymore."

She looked at him surprised. "It did not? Because you sure sounded mortified."

He shook his head slowly. "Remember what I said about the Strawberry Quick?"

"Yes, you said you preferred the powder."

"Yes. And then I said 'the sirup tastes better and I do not like it.' I realized shortly after that this is exactly how I felt about living with you. It sounded better than living with Leonard. And I did not like that, because it meant, while everything around was changing, the biggest change was me. The way I felt about you."

He came closer to her as he continued.

"All those things I said to you before I stormed out? Getting engaged, buying a house, starting a family. I realized I wanted that to happen eventually. I was surprised by my own feelings. I couldn't handle it. But it was that moment that triggered everything I realized on that trip. And I needed time to process the implications of it all."

Her eyes filled with tears again. She could still see the banner in front of her eyes. If only she had known then what she knew now.

"Amy… when I left your apartment, I needed a place where I would feel more like myself again. So, I went to the comic book store. But it turned out, it had burned down. That was the last straw. I… I had to go. But it was not you who made me leave. You were the one good thing in my life I wanted to come back for."

"Oh my god, Sheldon… I would have been thrilled to hear that.", she breathed out. "You should have just told me."

"And you should have told me how much me leaving hurt you. Do you realize what it does to me, knowing that all this time you have been considering leaving me? While I was planning to move forward with you? It hurts, Amy. You could have just broken up with me the minute I came back. It would have hurt less."

She inhaled shakily. "I am so sorry, Sheldon. I had no idea." But he was not finished.

"You were thinking about leaving me. And that thought did not break your heart. At least not enough to sit me down and talk to me. You know I am bad at reading you. You know the only chance for me to realize that something is wrong, is to tell me. By not telling me you set us up for failure."

He was right, she realized. She had never felt so guilty in her life.

"Sheldon, as I said, I was scared. I know this is not an excuse, but if I had I known everything you just told me, I would have talked to you sooner. I… I am sorry I did not trust you enough."

He stepped closer to her, searching her eyes. "I guess we are both to blame for our lack of communication.", he mumbled. "We are fools, Amy. Remember our last annual state-of-the-relationship summit? We talked about so much. But not about the important things. We were doing it all wrong."

She looked back at him. He was right.

And he did not seem so angry anymore. Maybe they could still fix things.

Sheldon

She did not hate him for his behavior the night before, that was a relief.

And he finally understood why she had not talked to him before. His anger at her was mostly gone.

But he was still confused. Sad, scared and confused about everything. He needed to know what was going on in her head.

"Amy?", he asked carefully. "Why did you come to my room last night? I did not expect you."

She was biting her lips. He knew that meant she was nervous.

"Sheldon… This might not be the right time to tell you, after everything that happened. But here it is."

She took a deep breath.

"Yesterday I realized that there is really nothing more to think about. Spending time with you this week has opened my eyes. And while we still have things to figure out, I deeply regret breaking up with you. I am sorry for putting you through this. It was stupid and I acted rashly. And I… I hope you can forgive me for it."

So many emotions coursed through him. Did she mean…?

"Sheldon, what I am saying is… I was thinking that… maybe… no not maybe… that is… if you want, I think I am ready to be your girlfriend again."

For a second, he felt nothing but joy. He had longed to hear these words the whole week.

But soon a whole different emotion took over. Uncertainty. Fear.

Tears were welling up in his eyes. Oh, how he wished he could just say yes and kiss her. Everything would be alright again. He would ask her to be his wife and live happily ever after. If only the last twenty-four hours had not happened.

"Amy…", he whispered.

He could see her face fall. She already knew.

Amy

It had been so hard, uttering those words. Asking him to take her back. She felt so vulnerable.

But she could see in his eyes that she would not get the answer, she so desperately wanted to hear.

"Amy…", he started again. His voice was shaking. "I excel at many things. But getting over you is not one of them." He paused, his eyes full of tears. "And apparently neither is being your boyfriend.", he added sadly.

A tiny sob escaped her throat. "But..", she started.

"Amy, I am sorry. I am. Believe me, I wish I could just forget about yesterday, because there is nothing I want more than to be with you again. But I am scared. What if I fail again? What if I can't make you happy? You say this week has opened your eyes. But that's just it, Amy. This week was special, but things will not always be like this."

"Wh… what do you mean, Sheldon?", she asked. Of course she knew this week was special.

"Amy, I know I am not always easy to live with. I tend to get lost in my work. And in my comic books and my hobbies, even the ones you find stupid. There will be times when I cannot give you my whole attention, even during date night. There will be times when I prefer seeing a movie or going to comic con or playing video games with my friends over spending time with you. It is who I am."

What was he getting at? She knew how he was. And she loved him exactly the way he was.

"Sheldon, I never asked you to make me your only priority.", she defended herself.

"No, you did not. But you also did not tell me when you felt like an afterthought. Amy, tell me, what happens if after this week I get distracted at times? If maybe, we won't be intimate as often as you would like us to be? If you feel neglected again? Will you tell me then? Or will you break up with me and then after that I will hear from Penny how I misbehaved?"

It did not sound angry or bitter. Just sad and insecure.

"Sheldon, this is not fair. I know I made a mistake. But don't you think we both learned a lot during this week? We can learn from our mistakes. We can do better."

He looked down on the floor and bit his lips.

"Well, maybe. But I can't handle the possibility of you leaving me again. The thought hurts too much. Please try to understand."

She took a deep breath. "So, what are you saying, Sheldon? You don't want this anymore? You want to make our break-up permanent?"

She had trouble even forming the words.

He cringed. It seemed to hurt him too.

"I am saying…", he sighed. "Amy, a little more than a week ago you asked me for time. To take a step back and reevaluate our relationship. And now, I am asking you for the same. I need to process this."

She nodded. It did not sound as bad as she had feared.

"I can give you that.", she mumbled. "We can talk about how to proceed with our relationship when you are ready."

He was staring at her, his lower lip quivering.

"Yeah.", he answered. "But Amy, maybe we need a Plan B. Maybe, if we can't get our relationship to work again, we should consider thinking about how we can preserve our friendship."

"Our friendship?", she asked alarmed. That did not sound so good.

"Yes.", he sighed. "Maybe it's time to admit that I really am not cut out to be your boyfriend. And if we come to this conclusion, I want to have you in my life as my friend at least. Please, Amy. I… I might need to be just your friend."

She blinked. "You mean… for a while?"

He had trouble looking at her, she could see that. "Maybe.", he whispered.

Or maybe for good.

Even if he had not said the words, they were hanging in the air.

It felt like a knife in her heart. "Oh… okay…", she croaked.

She couldn't look at him any longer. So, she turned around. She would have to get ready at some point anyway.

Maybe she should ask him to leave now while she still had a little control over her emotions.

But then she felt strong arms enveloping her from behind, holding her tightly. "What are you doing?", she asked, tears falling from her eyes again.

"You are sad, Amy.", Sheldon whispered. "No matter what's going to happen with us, I will always be there to comfort you when you are sad."

She sobbed. It was too much. She turned around in his arms and wrapped her arms around his hips.

"Then I will do the same for you.", she whispered back.

It was bittersweet. She was glad he wasn't angry anymore.

But she was devastated at the thought that he might want to give up on their relationship.

"Sheldon?", she whispered after a while. "I will give you as much time as you need. And I will respect any decision you make. But… I really hope that at some point, we will continue to be more than just friends."

She could feel him breath out deeply. "Me too.", he answered with a shaky voice.

She did not know how long they were standing there like this, holding each other.

After a while, Sheldon untangled himself from her arms. "I should probably go now. I'm sure Missy will expect you soon to get ready together."

The wedding. Amy had almost forgotten about it. Another night of pretending. And then after breakfast with his family tomorrow, it would all be over.

Maybe literally.

"You're right.", she mumbled and let go of him. "I'll see you later at the wedding."

"I'll meet you at the aisle.", he confirmed. He smiled at her weakly before he left.

Amy did her best to compose herself. She couldn't break apart now. This day was about Missy. Missy who had been so nice to her all this time.

She would just have to be strong now.