Look at me, speeding through all of this editing. Zoom zoom, bitch.

10 – When You Look In The Mirror

The next several weeks passed while being disturbingly uneventful. Zero managed to hold firm in refusing to talk to Vin; when it came down to it, she was spectacular at maintaining the silent treatment. The anger simmering under her skin was nearly impossible to shake as she replayed the conversation in her head.

The issue was more than just the lie, though. She felt humiliated that Vin had been able to glimpse into that part of her life - the toxic relationship between her parents; how damaged her mother had obviously been to fall for a monster like her father. It made her sick to her stomach just to think about. When Vin had seen this, had it altered how he looked at her? Did he see how much of a fuck up she was destined to become?

And why the hell did he still like her?
It was hard to keep herself furious when she was saddled with that fact. Secret or no secret, he still cared about her. That in itself was unnerving enough - she certainly didn't deserve the way that he kept trying to get her to talk to him, all while she was busy giving him the stink eye.

He was . . . he was a very strange boy.

She had no clue how to go forward. Like Trixie would say, she'd never really been an individual who was really in touch with her emotions – if she felt something of any particular extremity, she shoved it down until it went away, or . . . dealt with it in a really bad manner. Exhibit A: Burt. Exhibit B: Fucking up her relationship with Vin. Things just . . . weren't working, and she desperately wished she could flip a reset switch.

Zero knew her day was going to be pretty shitty when she spent a good ten minutes upending the contents of her stomach in the girls' bathroom. Though it was certainly her own fault for eating her entire chocolate stash in under ten minutes, it didn't mean that she couldn't be bitter about it.

She'd curled herself up in a miserable ball, leaning against the toilet stall and waiting for the next torrent of hell to unleash itself, when her headphones buzzed, followed by Trixie bombarding her with some nonsense about the latest History assignment, and "have you chosen your theme for that one yet? I'm thinking about branching out into Post-Colonialism and assessing the cultural impact on . . ."

Her head was still spinning, so it took a good couple of seconds to regain her senses and actually listen to what she was saying.

'. . . but I was thinking, since there's a Powerpoint presentation involved, I could separate it into two parts and cover all of that in the second part -'

'Trix, could you tell someone who can actually focus?' Zero interrupted, wincing as her voice cracked. 'Because right now, I'm trying to stop myself from passing out. Newton might be a better audience for your ideas. And for the love of God, do you know who you're talking to? What the fuck is Post-Colonialism?'

There was a pause. Then the headset crackled, before Trixie haltingly asked, 'Zero, what's wrong?'

'Don't worry about it, I'm just a bit sick. All I was saying is that -'

'Zero. I swear, if you're hungover again -'

'Calm down, I'm just vomiting. I'm fine.'

Trixie sighed. 'Oh my God. Just vomiting.'

She didn't hear her say anything else, because her stomach lurched horribly, and she started the arduous puking cycle all over again.

She didn't really know how long it all lasted, since she was more bothered by her shaking muscles and watering eyes, but she jolted in panic when she heard the bathroom door creak open.

'Zero?'

Honestly, Trixie's voice couldn't have been more welcoming right then.

'Over here,' she mumbled, before coughing and throwing up once more. Trixie's face appeared in the gap between the stall and the floor and she made a funny little noise of distress, before sliding herself on her stomach and into the stall beside Zero.

'Flu?' she asked questioningly, carefully pulling Zero's hair back from her face and dabbing away at some of the mess with a tissue miraculously produced from nowhere.

'I have no fucking clue,' she muttered, her voice shaky and weak. 'Honestly.'

'Come on,' Trixie said softly. 'Let's get you up to Headquarters. At least there you'll be comfortable.' She helped her to her feet and unlocked the stall door before wrapping a supporting arm around Zero's waist, ignoring when she grumbled at being assisted. In the end, Trixie's persistence proved worthwhile, as her trembling knees immediately buckled under the unwanted pressure and she nearly toppled back into her own sick the moment she got up.

She pressed her fingers to her temples, trying to ignore the nauseating pounding that rattled her skull. 'Ugh.'

'I know,' Trixie agreed absently, giving her a small, persistent tug toward the doorway. 'Let's go.'

Headquarters was predictably empty when they arrived. Being the weekend, Newton was most likely pursuing his particularly serious relationship with his bed, and Vin . . . it was debatable. He could be anywhere for all she cared.

Which she didn't.

Trixie dumped Zero on the couch and went digging through the cupboard for some aspirin, seemingly trying to determine the severity of the situation.

'Any shivering?'

'No,' Zero replied dully, flopping back into the cushions. Now she just felt drained.

'Any temperature fluctuation?'

'Bit hard to tell.'

'Been oversleeping?'

'You know I don't.'

Trixie paused for a moment in her search, turning to glare. 'Well that doesn't help anything, you idiot. Honestly, you should get more than four hours of sleep a night.'

'Sleep is for the weak.'

'So it seems,' she replied disinterestedly. 'When did you last eat?'

'Last night.'

Trixie reappeared at her side, now armed with a glass of water and a couple of tablets. 'Here, take these. I'll go make you some toast and a cup of tea. Ginger or peppermint?'

'Thanks Mom, but I really don't need it.'

'Ginger it is, then. And I'll send Vin up to annoy you.'

Zero's heart stuttered painfully in her chest. 'Don't,' she said quickly. 'He won't come.'

Trixie snorted in a close approximation to "yeah, right," before jumping up into the shaft and disappearing without another word.

The last thing Zero intended was to fall asleep, but naturally, that was what happened. When she finally stirred from heavy dreams of blurry faces and scathing words, it took a moment to process that her shirt had been taken off – and folded neatly by her feet – and a bucket had been put on the floor by her head. Trixie was sitting in her usual chair up at the computer, but something about her posture seemed wrong. Her shoulders were hunched anxiously, and only an idiot wouldn't suspect something was off. Naturally, Zero was one to assume the worst of every situation.

'Trix?'

She startled violently, nearly falling off the chair in surprise. 'Zero! Zero – I, oh -'

Zero sat up, narrowing her eyes and reaching over to grab her shirt.

'What's going on?' she asked carefully, pulling it back over her head.

Trixie chewed her lip. 'I really don't know what to say.' She absently fidgeted with a lock of her dark hair. 'See, I decided to run some tests to figure out what was wrong with you – it didn't seem like the flu, except for the vomiting, you see – so I hooked you up to the computer and did a few scans on your abdomen. Except, well . . .' She trailed off, and with a lurch of horror, Zero realised it was pity in her eyes.

Pity.

She got sharply to her feet, ignoring the world as it began to spin violently about her. 'What. Is. Going. On.'

'. . . I thought, well, I thought it couldn't be possible; but then again, what would I know, especially with all that's been going on with you lately, anything could be happening -'

'Trixie.'

'- and Vin, what about Vin? I mean, there's other possibilities, but who else's could it possibly be? I mean, it's freaking ironic – reminded me of those robot rabbits, actually – and, well I started panicking, naturally -'

'Trixie!'

Trixie let out a small, upset noise, and scrubbed a hand over her face, before looking Zero dead in the eye. Several long, terrifying beats passed before she spoke. And when she did, the metaphorical penny flew into the air.

'It has to be Vin's,' she whispered. 'Please tell me it is.'

'What is -'

'And you have to promise you won't leave. You really can't; I don't know what we'd do without you. We've all been together for so long, and I know how irrational you can get, so -'

'Damn it, I -'

'But I wish I could say I'm so sorry. I really do. But I can't. This . . . it's really something.'

'What do you mean?'

And Trixie smiled; a weak, shaky twitch of the lips, and her eyes crinkled at the edges like she was delighted and terrified at the same time – something Zero had never, ever seen before. Trixie never got scared. She was so unshakeable that it was actually freaky sometimes. That was a fact.

And the penny dropped.

Zero didn't know if she'd faint.

She didn't care.

Instead, it felt like the air had been crushed from her lungs, and she looked at Trixie in horror, that one thought echoing around her mind.

She nearly threw up yet again.

'Please tell me you're joking,' she whispered in a tiny voice. 'Please.'

'I wish I could,' Trixie replied quietly, taking her hands to steady her. 'I really wish I could.'

A little voice in her mind began to protest. It couldn't be possible, it couldn't –

And yet she knew that wasn't true. It was all too possible.

Fucking karma.

'I can't have a baby!' she hissed shrilly, looking at Trixie with wild eyes. 'I can't – I'm not – I was on the pill - I am the last person on this fucking planet that could do that!'

'Please don't say that, you know it's not true,' Trixie replied, shifting her grip to Zero's shoulders. 'You can -'

'I wasn't raised right – I ran away, for fuck's sake – and I wouldn't know good parenting from bad; I mean, I taught my goddamn rabbit how to beat people up the first day I had it! Even Vin said so -' She cut short suddenly, as it all began to process.

Three cheers for teaching non-violence.

Vin.

What -

And . . . Burt.

Oh God.

Her legs gave out from under her.

'This is something you can learn,' Trixie insisted, guiding her back to the couch. 'You won't be like your father, Zero, I promise. And we'll be there to help, if you want us to be. You're not alone in this. And with your rabbit; you were twelve, Zero – you couldn't have cared less whether that thing lived or died, and neither did I, to be honest. But you've learnt so much since then, and you know right from wrong, even if you don't think so.'

'I . . .' Her hands shook, and she twisted them together agitatedly. 'But . . . who's the father?'

Trixie froze, looking at her with unnervingly wide eyes. Several long, tense beats passed before she spoke.

'You . . . you mean you don't know?'

'Don't look at me like that!' she shot back, her hackles immediately rising. 'I'm not a slut, I just . . .' She trailed off, now desperately trying to stop the tears that threatened to well up in her eyes. 'I just . . . things haven't been okay lately.'

'I've gathered that much,' Trixie assured her, fumbling around in her pocket for something. When she pulled out her pen, Zero felt her panic soar further. 'Newton, are you in the cafeteria? Yeah, could you bring some tea up to Headquarters? Decaf? Thanks.'

'What are you doing?' Zero asked, her voice slightly higher than usual. She really couldn't stomach the thought of anyone else finding out what was going on so quickly.

'Don't worry, I won't tell him if you don't want me to,' Trixie assured her. 'I just think you need something warm to drink. It'll calm you down, anyway. But . . . I think you might need to fill me in on some loopholes.'

Her instinctive reaction was to say no. However, the more she thought about it, the more she began to realise that she really needed to let it all out; especially considering how long she'd been keeping it hidden away in the darkest corner of her mind.

She exhaled.

The tension lifted from her shoulders.

And finally, she began to speak.

'You . . . you know how Van and Burt have been fighting? She thinks he's been cheating?'

In all the years they had known each other, Trixie had never seen Zero properly cry. Only once, when Macbeth had conned Burt into wearing a cyber-electronic bodysuit that made him an equivalent of the Hulk, he had picked Zero up and rammed her through several layers of drywall consecutively, before locking her in a steel box. Even then, she was more upset out of embarrassment rather than actual physical hurt (how that was the case, Trixie would never know. They were some pretty solid walls.), and the incident was never spoken of again.

That was five years ago.

Now, even though she was trying to hide it, a rebellious tear slipped down her cheek. Trixie really couldn't blame her – her life was messed up enough as it was.

'You slept with Burt?' she asked quietly, trying to keep the shock out of her tone. 'Zero, he abused you -'

'I beat him up too,' Zero snapped, clenching her fists. 'And besides, we've just messed around. Only a couple of times over the last year.'

Trixie honestly didn't know what to say – that was an obvious lie. A "couple of times" probably meant once or twice a month in Zero's case. Yet somehow, she managed it anyway. 'Well, he's obviously never told anyone.'

'No shit.' Zero exhaled shakily. 'I don't think he cares, to be honest.'

'Do you?'

'No. I've never liked him. Still kind of hate him.'

'So . . . he's a person you hate, but still sleep with.'

'I don't sleep with him. That means I'd be stupid enough to get caught.'

'Okay.' Trixie raised her hands in surrender. 'It's okay, really. Just, how many others have there been?'

'Only one. I'm not that kind of person, okay?'

'I know, honey, I just – I'm trying to figure out who the father could be. Is Burt a possibility? Have you . . .?'

Zero lowered her gaze, almost in mortification. 'Remember when we had that fight, like six weeks ago? When I left for the day? I . . . I wasn't okay when I got back.'

'Oh.'

Suddenly it all made sense. 'Zero, this is a really bad way to cope with your problems. You know that, right?'

Her blue eyes were unusually bright as she glared sullenly at Trixie's ankle. 'Yes, I do.'

She sighed quietly. 'Who's the other one?'

Another tear slipped down her cheek, and her pale eyebrows furrowed in anger.

'Zero?'

The tiniest of sobs choked up in her throat. Trixie sat down on the couch and pulled her into her side, resting her head atop Zero's white-blonde hair. Zero let out a shaky breath, almost in shame, and dug her nails into her palms. Then she whispered a name so quietly Trixie almost missed it.

Vin.

Vin.

Hearing that name almost made her cry with relief.

'Oh, he'll be thrilled,' she murmured. 'If it's his, I mean. This'll be worse than those damn rabbits.'

'It's not a good thing,' Zero hissed through another sob. 'It's really not.'

Though Trixie was still really alarmed by the whole ordeal, she somehow found herself seeing the tiniest light in this situation. That alone was what spurred her to push the conversation.

'Why? Of all people, he's the most understanding -'

'We got in a fight, and it's not – it's not – it's - I'm mad at him -'

'You'll both figure it out,' Trixie reassured her in a quiet voice. 'You know you will. He adores you, really. He's just . . . a boy. Give him time.'

Zero scoffed bitterly. 'Give him time. There's only so long before he's going to notice, Trixie.'

'I mean just -' She cut off for a moment and thought, attempting to string together the wild array of thoughts in her head. 'Let him think about what happened. Between you two, I mean. Then, when you're ready, and only then, tell him. Both he and Newton have the right to find out from you. Otherwise, the rumours are going to get there first.'

She scuffed the toe of her boot into the rug and stared at the wall clock. Her eyes followed the hand as it ticked around, and an angry flush began to rise in her cheeks. 'Did you know? That Macbeth erased us?'

This was the last thing Trixie had been expecting. Beyond the last thing. The situation had felt so far behind them since she and Vin had last discussed it that she couldn't even remember the last time she'd thought about it. Zero felt her sudden - albeit small - intake of breath at the question and sat up straight, narrowing her eyes.

'Why didn't you say anything?' she hissed quietly. She combed an agitated hand through her hair, and it fell loosely around her head in waves. For a split-second Trixie was reminded of the girl Zero had been back then, when those horrible things had happened. Then, needing something to do with her hands, she tied her hair back up again, and the image was gone.

'It wasn't my story to tell,' Trixie replied simply, fighting the urge to back down in shame. This wasn't her fault, and she was hardly about to let it seem like it was. 'Vin wanted to protect us all from what happened. He was terrified; I mean, every trace of our lives vanished, just like that – every trace of you. He might never have fixed things, and he wanted it never to happen again. That was best done by keeping us all out of the loop. He . . . he didn't want to hurt you, Zero. That wasn't what he meant by it.'

'Then how come you knew?' Zero asked sharply, shaking her head slightly. 'I mean, come on. You couldn't have figured it out without him saying anything. It's too frigging surreal.'

'He was having nightmares,' Trixie replied shortly. 'Trust me, he didn't want to talk about it.'

Zero paused, furiously wiping at her damp eyes. '. . . He really was alone, huh?'

It wasn't really a question.

'Yeah,' Trixie mumbled. 'Somehow I don't think orphan life is all that good for him.'

She exhaled heavily. 'I'll tell him,' she muttered. 'Just . . . give me time.'

'Alright,' Trixie replied softly. 'Be careful, though.'

Zero ignored her. 'Is Newton coming?'

'Yeah, he said he'd be up in a minute.'

She chewed her lip. 'You can tell him. He . . . he might be able to help.'

Trixie paused in surprise. Really? She had thought Zero wouldn't want to say anything for a few weeks, at least until everything had time to process. 'Are you sure?' she asked tentatively. 'I mean, this is really big.'

'He might know how to break it to Vin, though.'

'That's true.'

'Break what?' a new voice asked, and Newton slid out of the ventilation shaft, stumbling a bit when he landed. He was holding a styrofoam coffee cup carefully out in front of him.

Zero visibly tensed up, getting to her feet and crossing the room, before throwing herself down into the beanbag. Newton looked curiously between the two of them.

'Is everything okay?' he asked. 'Zero? Is it . . . y'know -'

'Trix knows, Newton,' Zero said dully. 'You can say it out loud.'

Newton blinked in surprise. 'Alright. Is it – is it Burt? He didn't beat you up, did he?'

Zero snorted. 'You think I'd let that happen?' She shook her head, not meeting his eyes. 'Trixie, you can tell him.'

'Zero -'

'Please. I don't think I can.'

Please. That word bounced around in Trixie's head, catching her off guard more than anything else.

'Okay,' she whispered, conceding. 'Newton, you'd better sit down.'

He shot her an odd look, but sat down at the computer chair regardless. 'Is everything okay? No one's hurt, are they? Should Vin be here?'

'No,' Zero blurted, now looking panicked. She took a moment to regain her composure, shaking her head. 'No, not yet.'

'I'm guessing you already know what's been going on with Burt,' Trixie started.

'Past tense,' Zero muttered. 'Never again, you got it?'

'And I respect your decision here,' Trixie agreed. 'But, Newton, something's gone wrong. Well, not wrong, exactly, but -'

'Trixie,' Newton said pointedly, now looking worried. 'Get to the point.'

Trixie swallowed anxiously. 'Uh, it seems that Vin and Zero have been a bit more in touch with their feelings than usual. Stuff happened.'

It took a moment, but it finally seemed to click. Newton blinked. 'Oh.'

'Yeah. And . . . uh . . .' She inquiringly looked at Zero. 'This definitely happened around the same time, yeah?'

She nodded mutely.

'Okay. Well, this is where we need your help.'

Newton's brow was furrowed. 'This . . . this isn't what I think it is, is it?'

'Probably,' Trixie said softly. 'Um. Okay. Please be civil about this.'

'Who do you think I am?'

Alright then. Here goes nothing. 'Zero is . . . Zero's pregnant.'

He simply blinked. 'Okay.' He blinked again. 'Okay.' There was a pause, before the shock started to set in. 'This isn't a surprise to me – why isn't this a surprise?' Now wide-eyed, he whirled to face Zero. 'Who's the father?'

She wouldn't meet his eyes. 'That's what we don't know, asshole.' Despite a feeble attempt at bravado, her voice shook.

He turned back to Trixie. 'And you're sure about this?'

'Positive.'

He swore. 'Okay. Okay, we can figure this out. I can figure this out.' He scrambled to his feet and started poking through the gadgets Trixie had left sitting out, and typing a few commands into the main computer. 'We'll just need to run a simple DNA test . . .'

'Is it that easy?' Zero asked, finally looking up at him. Her eyes were red.

His worry softened a little when he saw the state she was in. 'Yeah, should be.' He pushed the chair back and crossed the room, squatting down in front of her. He leaned forward and wrapped her in a tight hug, his long arms stopping her from escaping when she wriggled petulantly. 'It's gonna be okay. I promise.'

She scowled, jerking back a little. 'Bullshit.'

But Newton, bless him, had always been immune to Zero's moodiness. He drew her back in again, face buried in the top of her head. 'It will. And you're going to be a great mom, no matter what happens.'

She looked at him dryly. 'In case it escaped your notice, I didn't have the best parental examples growing up.'

'No, I know,' he said seriously. 'I . . . I saw a lot of things when your memory was in Macbeth's machine, when we were like, twelve. Remember?' At her horrified look, he continued. 'I understand, Zero. And you're allowed to be worried. I'd be concerned if you weren't. But we're gonna get you through this. Aren't we, Trix?'

Trixie nodded seriously. 'Of course we are; what kind of question is that?'

Zero's expression was unreadable. 'Just . . . just do the test. I'm not even sure if I'm gonna keep it.'

Trixie had honestly expected this to come up sooner – there was always an alternative, though she had never known Zero's opinion on it. In all honesty, there had been no occasion to discuss it. 'I – is that what you want to do?'

She looked away uncomfortably. 'If Burt's genes make it to another generation, we're all in trouble.' Despite the weak attempt at humour, her eyes were dark.

'And . . . if it's Vin's?' Trixie asked softly.

There was a moment of silence.

'I – I couldn't do that to him. You know what he's like, it's -'

'Zero,' Newton interrupted. 'You know this is your decision?'

She exhaled heavily. Then, turning back to them, eyes bright with tears, she whispered, 'I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did.'

Trixie reached out and pushed her hair back from her face. 'Alright. Well, let's just get this done, then we'll decide what to do next, okay?'

And so they waited.

11/12/2021