Title: Jaded - Aerosmith

17 – You Got Your Mama's Style But You're Yesterday's Child

She didn't know what was worse; the stares, or the people who pretended they weren't looking at all. And while it shouldn't have mattered, and she should be able to deal with it for just a day, it made her stomach clench to the point where she wanted to be sick.

(She had thrown up after dinner, but that was neither here nor there.)

It seemed that after all these years, the violent shock value generally associated with Zero's character had been thrown out the window in favour of this, and nothing could possibly hope to top it.

God, there weren't any words for how angry that made her.

It would be how she was going to be remembered by these people, even if she told herself their opinions didn't matter. Oh, remember Zero Toriello? The crazy chick who got herself knocked up? Never mind that she should have gone down in memory as the psychopath who could break your neck; she was just some common whore now. Fantastic.

Whatever. It didn't matter now, and it wasn't like she would see any of them after today. The opinions of a couple degenerate kids from that boarding school she used to go to shouldn't be allowed to have an impact on her life.

She spent the night packing, realising with nauseating clarity that she was putting herself back in the position she had been in six years ago. It wasn't a pretty thought. Not to mention when she was brought face to face with how little she owned, it was actually kind of sad.

Everything that she couldn't take with her was carefully folded and stacked on the desk. Old tapestries, mostly, along with a potted plant (plastic; as if she could keep a real one alive), a couple of cds, her laptop, and her schoolbooks. Someone else could easily dispose of it all for her.

Now, all that she had to her name was a few old band tees, some ripped jeans, her leather jacket, and the clothes she was currently wearing. It was good that she had only ever owned one pair of boots, as that saved on space.

After a moment's deliberation, she also threw in one of Vin's old flannels that she had stolen. It was warm, and besides, she could let herself keep this one thing, if nothing else.

Dropping down on her bed with an exhausted sigh, she buried her face in her hands. She didn't want to leave. The mere idea of it made her heart ache so badly she felt sick. This had been her home, and she wasn't even allowed to have that anymore.

Fuck you, Elizabeth.

A knock on the door startled her so badly that she fell off the bed. 'What?' she groused, clambering awkwardly back to her feet. Her centre of gravity was completely off balance.

Great. Just what she needed.

The door popped open a crack, and Trixie tentatively stuck her head in. Her face was soft and sad, as though she were on the verge of tears. 'Hi,' she whispered.

'Hey,' Zero replied gruffly, unsure of what to do with her arms. After a moment of deliberating, she folded them awkwardly. 'What do you want?'

She swallowed, before stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. 'To apologise.'

Oh.

'Don't worry about it,' Zero mumbled, turning away and throwing her pocket knife into her backpack. 'You weren't wrong.'

'No, no, I was. I was completely wrong.' She crossed the room to Zero's side, tentatively looking up at her. 'I was upset about Vin and became completely blind to how you might be feeling. I've got no idea how hard this must be for you. And . . . And I'm sorry.'

Zero tried to swallow down the lump that had formed in her throat, cracking her knuckles one at a time. 'Uh, thanks,' she whispered after a moment, unsure of what else she could say.

'He . . .' She grimaced, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. 'He came to me drunk, Zero. A-and there was nothing I could do. I never know what to do. I just felt so helpless.' She looked up for a moment, lashes brimming with tears.

Guilt slammed into her with the force of a truck.

Jesus.

They stood there in painful silence for a very long moment, until Zero was able to find her voice again.

'I don't . . . I don't hate you.'

'I know,' Trixie murmured. 'It's okay, I know you don't. We were both trying to hurt each other in any way we could.'

She glanced down at Zero's shoddy little rucksack. Her perfect eyebrows drew together for a split second in confusion.

'Packing already? Christmas break doesn't start until tomorrow.'

'Yeah, well . . . Getting it out of the way, I guess.'

Trixie hummed, but her eyes were still apprehensive. 'You know this doesn't revoke your invitation to come to my place? I . . . I still really want you to be there.'

Zero hesitated for a bit, before nodding. 'Yeah, I know. I just . . . I have some errands to take care of, first. I'll try to make it to yours as soon as I can.'

Trixie seems unsure about this, mouth pinched in an unhappy frown. 'Are you sure?'

'Yeah. I'm sure.'

'Okay.' She let out a small exhale. After a beat, she met Zero's eyes. 'Please be safe.'

She snorted. 'Who do you take me for?'

'Someone who has no self preservation skills,' Trixie replied, in a feeble attempt at a joke. 'I, well . . . '

She paused for a long moment, then finally seemed to steel herself as she made a decision.

'Can I . . . Can I have a hug?'

The question fell between them, and for a very long time, it went unanswered.

Then Zero let out a breath, and closed her eyes. She sank down onto the bed, and waited for a beat.

'Yeah,' she whispered, barely audible. 'Yeah, of course.'

The words had barely left her mouth when Trixie practically fell into her, crowding onto her lap and arms wrapping in a tight embrace. She buried her nose into the junction of Zero's neck and promptly burst into tears - wracking sobs that shook them both as Zero scrambled to get her own arms around her in surprise.

'Oh shit -'

'I'm so s-sorry -'

'Trix, it's okay -'

'I love you so much -'

'I know -'

'I just get so worried -'

Zero floundered for several seconds, no idea what she should do. She scooted further back on the bed so they wouldn't fall off, before letting herself hug Trixie back just as tightly.

'It's okay,' she found herself saying, heart clenching with emotion. 'I promise it's okay.' Instinctively, she pressed her mouth to Trixie's temple for a moment - a searing brand to ground her.

If anything, that seemed to only make her cry harder.

' - y-you're so important to me, and I-I don't th-think you underst-stand-'

'I do, I really do -'

'- a-and I'm so afraid th-th-that something bad is going to ha-happen -'

She seemed impossibly fragile, curled up in Zero's arms like this; fragile in a way that she had never been before. It felt inherently wrong just to see.

The awareness that she was the reason for it was even worse.

She realised, with a sudden sense of clarity, that it would be better for everyone when she left. Vin hadn't been the only one she had made suffer. If she had managed to hurt Trixie like this - stubborn, unshakeable, hard-headed Trixie - then that proved that she really was the scum she had always known she'd been.

In her selfishness however, she let herself hug Trixie even tighter, burning it into her memory; of what it felt like to hold and be held -

And to pretend that she didn't have to let go.

The last day of term dragged on, slow as molasses.

As always, Mr Soper had tried in vain to keep his students' attention for at least part of the lessons, but by eleven A.M. had fairly well given up - opting instead to pull out a few board games and let everyone do as they wanted so long as the noise level stayed appropriate.

Vin had spent that time sequestered up at the back of the room, chin in his hands, pretending to read. Pretending being the active word here - he had spent the entire time brooding; either about his parents, or about Zero. Sometimes both at the same time.

As expected, it was doing absolutely nothing to make him feel less miserable about his life.

At some point, Trixie and Newton had settled in nearby with a chess set. He hadn't even noticed them arrive, he'd been so stuck in his own head.

Grimacing to himself, he forced himself to sit up straight and turned his chair around so that he could watch their game.

'You okay, man?' Newton asked, fingers flickering over the pieces, before he decided to sacrifice a pawn to Trixie's bishop.

'Yeah, I'm alright,' Vin replied eventually. He mustered a feeble attempt at a smile. 'Just . . . lost in thought, I guess.'

'We're always here if you want to talk,' Trixie told him, swiftly moving in to take Newton's knight as well.

'I know,' Vin replied. He gave her another smile, more real this time. 'I know.

'Because if - aw shit.' Newton smacked a hand to his forehead in frustration, when he foolishly moved his queen, and Trixie swooped in to take his king within two moves. 'Man, I had that one coming.'

Trixie almost glowed with smug satisfaction, brushing the pieces aside before setting them up for a new game. 'Best of five?'

'What's the point? You know I'll lose anyway.'

'You don't know that.'

'Uh yeah I do . . .'

Vin tuned out the conversation as it descended into bickering, staring around the classroom absently as he tried not to let himself slip back into his former melancholy.

As they were always inclined to do, his eyes drifted to find Zero. She has steadfastly avoided him since leaving the office yesterday, and he knew there was little he would be able to do to change that. The thought filled him with a sense of miserable resignation.

She was currently speaking to Soper, rocking side to side on her feet and looking rather unwell. After she seemingly received a dismissal, she turned and headed for the classroom door, walking as fast as she could without breaking into a run.

The glass door closed heavily behind her, immediately drawing attention from the entire room.

Any comments that might have arisen were immediately silenced by the stern gaze that Soper leveled at them, and everyone wisely chose to continue going about their activities. Even so, there was no pretending that they all could not see Zero throwing up over the railing just outside.

Vin debated with himself for a moment whether he ought to go and help, even if it was just to hold back her hair. But really, there was no pretending that he would even get that far, and he may as well just save himself the sting of rejection.

Soper appeared to be having similar thoughts. He watched Zero with a frown for several moments, before heaving a quiet sigh and pushing his chair back, following her.

The second the door closed after him, the classroom exploded into a cacophony of noise. Yesterday's fight and it's subsequent revelations were still very hot topics for discussion, and everyone clearly had a lot of opinions. Vin gritted his teeth as he caught snatches of conversation here and there, and wasn't sure whether to be offended or relieved that he seemed to be the primary candidate for "potential baby daddy".

Trixie and Newton were clearly just as upset as he was. Trixie had a colossal scowl on her face, and she appeared to be restraining the urge to get up and deck someone. Newton was chewing his lip and tapping his forefinger against the desk - anxious habits that only surfaced when he was bothered and trying not to show it.

Just as Vin was debating to himself just to screw it and leave the classroom entirely, a chair was dragged over with a scraping sound, and they were joined by the unlikeliest of people.

'What's up, Van?' Newton said, trying and failing to sound nonchalant as he switched to clicking his pen instead.

'Checking in to see if she's decided to get some fucking therapy,' Vanessa answered, lips pursed in a frown. 'Figured that one of you might have, like, some sort of answer.'

'Why is it any of your business?' Trixie asked, openly hostile.

'Because now I'm involved and I really wish I wasn't,' Van replied, just as snippy. She rolled her eyes. 'Whatever. I already knew, you know. Up the duff, and all.'

'Who told you?' Vin asked, words rough in his throat.

Van looked at him, her almond eyes unnervingly sharp.

'I didn't need to be told,' she replied, tone insufferably superior. 'It was obvious enough.' She paused for a moment. 'And I also know she's been sleeping with Burt, so none of us need to beat around the bush here.'

Vin felt something very cold settle in his stomach.

What -

How -

Why -

Van, impervious as ever, was still talking. Her voice sounded like it was under water, and he had to force himself back into the present to catch her words.

'…. I mean, with looks like those, I wouldn't be surprised if she's got guys lined around the block for even, like, a chance for a booty call.'

'Vanessa,' Trixie said through gritted teeth, 'stop talking.'

Van shrugged indifferently. 'I'm just saying.'

'Now.'

'Look, I've already talked to her about it,' she said, seeming to be getting frustrated now. 'And I told her to sort her shit out. Judging by that mess in the hall yesterday -' She shot a pointed look at Trixie. '- that clearly hasn't happened, and I need to decide what the hell to do now. Do I beat her ass, or do I feel bad and leave her alone?'

'You wouldn't even get the chance to beat her ass,' Newton told her. 'And you know that. Stop trying to insert yourself into the situation.'

Van huffed, folding her arms petulantly. 'Look, she screwed my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend - whatever. So I'll insert myself as much as I want, thanks.'

'So, what do you want from us?' Trixie asked, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. 'A productive conversation?'

'Yes, actually.'

She seemed a little taken aback by that, letting her hand drop down to the desktop. 'Oh.' She considered that, before sighing and looking back at Van. 'Look, we really aren't the people to be talking to about that. If you want to pick the conversation back up with Zero, be my guest. I doubt she'll let you, but you can try.'

Van let out a derisive little snort. 'Yeah, I won't get anywhere with that.' She thought for a long moment, before shrugging. 'Oh well. I did my part to try and be a good person. It's probably out of my hands, now.'

'It's out of all of our hands,' Newton said quietly, staring down at his feet.

Van nodded. 'Yeah.' She looked over at Vin, that sharp look in her eyes again. 'I bet there's no prizes for guessing the baby daddy, huh?'

Vin felt his mouth tighten into a hard line, but Newton answered before he could think of a response.

'Van, I really think this is enough. Please.'

She sighed, only looking slightly put out. 'Yeah, fine. Jezabel is better company, anyway.' She stood from her chair and flounced off, taking that air of haughty superiority with her.

Vin felt queasy. Trixie's eyes flickered over to him, and she looked very uncomfortable. 'Vin?'

'What?' he asked, voice so sharp he startled himself. She flinched, almost imperceptible if he didn't know her so well. 'What are you thinking?'

'I'm . . .' He swallowed awkwardly, before trying again. 'I'm processing.'

'Take your time.' Newton's voice was slightly nervous.

Noticing this, Vin forced himself to speak again. 'You both knew.'

'Knew?' Trixie repeated.

'Don't play dumb,' he snapped immediately, curling his fingers agitatedly. 'You knew. That she - that she was - and Burt -'

'Yes, we knew,' she said, saving him from having to voice it out loud. And it wasn't our place to tell.'

Vin swallowed, a loud click in his ears.

'Why? Why would she . . .'

'From what I understand,' Newton said softly, 'it was an extremely poor coping mechanism for dealing with her own trauma. You know . . . especially since she's been going through so much shit.' He met Vin's eyes. 'If . . . If you know what I mean.'

Vin did. Unfortunately.

'She's always done that sort of thing,' Trixie agreed. 'And I've dealt with way too much of that shit first hand.'

Vin exhaled heavily.

In. Out.

'I feel . . . used,' he said finally. 'A-and guilty. And . . . and so fucking sad.'

Trixie's hand slipped into his.

'You're allowed to feel that way, honey,' she said quietly. 'You are.'

In. Out.

'Did she actually care about me?' he asked, voice starting to tremble now. 'When - when -' He took a stuttering breath and tried again. 'I'd never done . . . that . . . with anyone before. It - it was a really big deal for me. But I - I don't think it was for her.'

In. Out.

Trixie made a funny sound in the back of her throat, and Newton scooted his chair closer and put a hand on his knee.

'Does . . . Does she know that?' Trixie asked, after a moment.

'No,' he replied, unable to meet either of their eyes. 'I-I know I act like I've been around, but I really haven't. There's . . . There's only been her. I haven't wanted . . .' He trailed off uncomfortably, scratching the back of his neck absently. 'She knows that I love her,' he continued. 'E-even if I never get the guts to say it, she knows. Right?'

Neither of them answered. They just exchanged a look that he didn't know how to read.

Wringing his hands, he plunged on. 'Should I even tell her? Do you think it would fix everything?'

There was a long pause as he waited for an answer. Trixie worried at her bottom lip for a moment, before she spoke. 'Probably not. But - but it might make it easier.'

Oh.

Finally, Trixie spoke. 'If I know Zero at all, then it definitely meant something to her.' She met his eyes, making sure that he was listening. 'You're the most important person in her life - no, you are, don't interrupt - and she wouldn't throw that away on a whim. She's definitely got a lot to work through right now, but you are still important. And she absolutely loves you, she just has no idea how to show it. She's just very . . . She struggles to express herself.'

'You could both start a club,' Newton joked, in a feeble attempt to cut through the tense atmosphere. 'And look, you've already got a slogan: "With great looks, comes great emotional constipation". Healthy communication not allowed.'

Vin blinked as he processed this. Trixie let out an undignified snort, and Newton seemed rather pleased with himself.

'I think I should be offended by that,' Vin said. 'And I will be, when I have the energy for it.'

'Then I've fulfilled my purpose,' Newton replied, grinning a little.

'Back to the point,' Trixie said, shooting a look that somehow managed to be both irritated and fond. 'I think you could both benefit from sitting down and talking about this. Really talking about this.'

'I would, if she would actually let me.'

She sighed. 'I know. But you also need to learn how to be a bit more direct.' After a moment's pause, she added, 'I just think it would be really healthy for you both to have a proper discussion. Be more open about your feelings.'

Vin snorted bitterly. 'I think she's allergic to feelings.'

'No, she's not,' Trixie said firmly. 'Everyone wants to be told that they're loved.'

She gave him a sad little smile.

'And I don't think she gets that very often.'

21/12/2021