Author's note: Hi and welcome to chapter 8! I'm so glad you liked Edward's POV again. Also, sorry if you noted the name Sam in the last chapter. I have fixed it and I am happy to say I am fully focused on posting only on fanfic so I will be getting chapters edited to send out. Again, bear with me as I am not having this story beta'd and I am trying to pay close attention to any mistakes and fix them as soon as I find them.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This chapter contains drinking, drug use, and mental health subjects that could be triggering.

...

"They were the only friends I ever had

We got into trouble and when stuff got bad

I got sent away, I was waving' on the train platform

Crying' 'cause I know I'm never coming' back"

This is What Makes us Girls - Lana Del Rey

...

Four years ago

I felt like I was flying. Some would say I was… I was high... and drunk... mostly drunk, but my body felt like every fiber of stress, pressure and fighting voices in my head had rolled off of me and out the door I came in.

"Another shot?" Leah hands me a small clear glass filled to the brim with her favorite alcohol. I don't remember what it's called but I know I don't really like it but I don't care.

I'm more drunk than I have ever been tonight, my last night.

Tomorrow my world will change, for the better I hope. I want to better myself after all of the damage and self hate I've given it over my entire life. After making myself run until I was throwing up and still not eating for over twenty four hours for the last time yesterday, I was going to learn how to love myself.

Leah has no idea and thinks I'm only here because she is.

She doesn't know about Edward and I or how we had been falling apart for months. She thought I went to visit Renee in Florida instead of running away after signing away my marriage. She thankfully didn't ask questions when she came to pick me up from Charlie's tonight. She's a good friend and she wouldn't be handing me a shot if she knew how bad an addiction of drowning myself in alcohol and marijuana had become. She would be driving me to California herself to get to this facility if she knew.

A treatment facility. Thank goodness for my three jobs and savings...also, my ability to be a functional employee while my world falls apart around me. But I was done being that, I wanted to be something else. The years of Renee telling me I'll never be anything if I don't do better even when I had straight A's caught up with me in a good way, for lack of a better word. She would freak out if she found out I was checking myself into rehabilitation… again.

In sunny California, there was a place that claimed they could help me heal, learn to love myself, and help me stop self medicating in a safe way. This facility would make me love myself, it claimed. And for the dent in the money I had saved, it had better.

I could've chosen to go back to Florida. All of the hottest celebrities were getting treated in Tampa but I truly needed to get away.

I also learned a lesson that if you stay in a state where your mother is the queen of the doctors it is easy to get access to patient records, illegal or not. If I stayed, it felt like Renee would be watching my every move in every way. She would know the doctors at the facility and surely, patient privacy or not, someone would ridicule her about her fucked up daughter.

"What's on your mind tonight?" A voice snaps me out of my thoughts. Next to me is someone I have never met before, he has a boyish grin and brown eyes that squint when he smiles at me. He's dressed in all black and has a nose ring, looking like every other guy from The Res. He's holding a beer in his hand and I can see a cigarette behind his ear.

"Why would I tell someone I don't know?" I think I'm flirting, but I can't be too sure. I haven't flirted with anyone other than Edward or the guys at the casino as a distraction in a while.

His eyes squint more as his smile widens. "Jacob." He holds his beer in the air and tips it a little.

"Bella," I say, rolling my eyes and taking a sip of my drink. It burns but it tastes like bad decisions which right now, I'm not too against.

"So now that we know each other, are you going to tell me what's going on in your beautiful head?"

The words beautiful send butterflies in my stomach. Butterflies I haven't felt in a long time.

I only shrug. "Sometimes the only way you can get the change you need is to leave."

"Is it because you're running or there's something better?" He asks.

He's deep.

"Because there's something better." It's not a question, there has to be something better than this.

I look around at the room. There's too many people for this small house. There's empty cups and bottles everywhere. Some people are dancing or playing drinking games. There's multiple couples and non couples making out in various corners. It feels like freshman year and I feel like if I don't get out now, I will stay like this forever.

"Well how about we worry about the better and take advantage of the now." He grabs my hand and it's so warm that I don't mind when he pulls me to the dance floor. We dance and I don't care about the looks I'm getting from everyone around me. I raise my hands up, spilling some of my drink. When other people begin to finally join us, we move closer. He wraps his hands around my waist, lingering on my hips for a small noticeable second. We dance together, laughing and just having fun.

I don't realize I haven't looked at him since we start dancing until his fingers are under my chin and he's forcing my eyes to him. And then I do it.

The illegal activity finally catches up to me and my Devil is on fire again. She smiles and puts on her red lipstick also sparking my Confidence.

I have to stand on the tip of my toes to lean into him and kiss his lips. They are soft and warm like his hands that wrap tighter around me. For a moment, all of the music drowns out and it's only us two. When I pull back, I don't see Jacob anymore. I see red hair and green eyes then suddenly Leah is pulling me away.

...

Present

"What the hell were you thinking!" She yells, reminding me of that night. She almost killed me for kissing Jacob. To her, I was still married and she had no idea what tomorrow held for me.

She starts the car and turns the heat all the way up. I wait for warmth to hit me before I speak. It's almost like it rips me away from the confidence and free feeling I felt when I was dancing.

It was a bad idea, I will agree, but I couldn't help but to allow myself to be close to him. Maybe it was the vodka, but I missed being near him. His touch, his fingers, and his lips. His lips were directly above the sweet spot on my neck only he knows about.

I pull my dress down, afraid my thoughts are showing. "I don't know." My voice is soft. I stare out the window, not daring to look at Leah. I know she's judging me or maybe she's worried.

She has a reason to be.

She is the one who flew out to see me when I left back to Florida after we signed our years of marriage away.

She just sighs and pulls out of her parking spot.

"Do you remember when we first met?" I ask her, finally breaking the silence.

I can see her smile even though she doesn't want to. After finding out about the divorce and going to rehab, she hated Edward... and me. But reminding her of the good times is one way to break the tension between anyone.

"You told me you liked my hair." She chuckles.

"And you said mine too," I laugh, remembering the lie. My hair was a frizz on top of my head, I woke up late and didn't have time to do my hair like I wanted.

"You shouldn't lie to new people," she mimics my young voice and we laugh hard.

She knew by me being up front with her we would get along and I knew her kind of making people feel better than they are would be a good thing to have around. And despite all of my bad, she stayed around. She took care of me through multiple benders, bineging, purging and fights with Edward.

Our laughter dies down as she stops at a red light. "Bells?"

I fiddle with my hands. Leah has always been like a big sister to me even though she was only a few months older than me. She figured me out within weeks of hanging out. She could read me now just as well as she could then.

She was a great person to have my freshman year when I lived here. My dad couldn't afford to let me go to Forks High School, it was private and he knew I didn't do well at them anyways. So he let me drive twenty minutes to La Push High School.

It was where all of the kids from the Reservation or also couldn't afford Forks High School went. I stuck out like a sore thumb with my pale skin and frizzy brown hair, but Leah was there. She didn't care about looks, the returning smile from when we first met told me that.

"Are you okay?" She asks softly.

I think for a moment before answering.

Am I okay? No one has asked me since Rose asked me how I was feeling when I found out Charlie had passed. Honestly, that was a stupid question all things considering.

I can't be okay. Charlie is gone, Edward is here... or trying to be here. I can't let him, but I'm torn between knowing that I can't and wanting to let him stay in my life so badly. He knows more about me than Leah does, which is saying a lot since she's known me longer. He is the blanket I want covering me as I cry and the pillow I want to soak up my tears... But he can't be and I have to be okay with that.

I don't tell Leah anything else about Edward, she would probably go back into the bar and kick his ass herself so I just look at her as I shrug.

"I will be." I tell her, hoping she will drop it.

She looks at me for a moment, trying to decide if she should continue to press me. I am thankful when she says nothing and pulls off when the light turns green.

…

Author's note: This chapter was kind of a filler, but also you kind of get a look back into Bella's past. I promise more answers are coming. Leave a review!