Author's note: Okay so no time jump just yet, I just couldn't leave it on that last note. I hope you all enjoy a little calm before the storm.

Disclaimer: Unedited.

...

"I saw the signs and I ignored it

Rose-colored glasses all distorted

Set fire to my purpose

And I let it burn

You got off on the hurtin'

When it wasn't yours, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly

I needed to lose you to find me

This dancing was killing me softly

I needed to hate you to love me, yeah"

Lose You to Love Me - Selena Gomez

...

After talking to Leah, I made an emergent appointment with Angela. It's something she always offers at the end of our sessions but I've never used until now. I need some insight on what Leah said because it's been taunting me since she said it.

"Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt to try."

I might not be able to forgive Edward but trying is better than doing nothing at all… but would it really not hurt me in the end?

"It might," My Devil smirks, making me anxious.

Are there even tools that could help me forgive him? Should I even forgive him? What can he do to show me that I can forgive him?

Choosing to forgive someone wavers dangerously between happiness and heartbreak.

If you forgive someone for something, there's still a chance they will hurt you again.

Should I take that chance on Edward again?

"Maybe", My Angel whispers.

When Angela and I get on our video chat, I tell her everything.

The sex with Edward, my reaction to him bringing up Vegas, what I said about forgiving him, and what Leah said about trying to forgive him.

And I tell her about Vegas, the full story and not the downplayed version. The gory and disgusting details. The feelings and the nightmares I had for years while trying to stay clean.

"Well unfortunately there is no wonder drug that will make you instantly forgive him," Angela says, trying to be funny. "But, you have to decide if you are willing to give that chance to Edward… again."

Do I even believe in second chances?

I gave Charlie and Renee so many chances to be better parents and they never fixed their shit. Every promise anyone has made me was broken like it didn't exist. My marriage vows were torn as if they meant nothing.

"I truly believe you love him enough to forgive him. You all were young and made mistakes. It could be different this time."

I nod as Angela speaks, thinking back to my life with Edward as a nineteen year old, recently out of rehab.

I would have done anything for someone to love me and comfort me while I tried to build myself back up. I didn't care about the signs that flashed loudly telling us that we didn't need to be together. I played a part in this mess of our relationship.

I hate myself for that and I know Edward must hate himself too.

"I have to forgive myself," I say softly to myself then to Angela.

I see her smile proudly and my Confidence beams. "That night wasn't your fault. It wasn't Edward's either, really."

I feel my eyebrows furrow because I always blamed Edward. Those men tried to hurt me because of him. Who else is there to blame?

"Bad people do bad things." She sighs. "And your reaction to Edward was your feelings toward the abandonment after that bad thing. Valid feelings."

We end our session with me feeling better about my reaction.

My choices now are to try to forgive Edward and myself or continue to carry the burden of that night on my shoulders. I can choose the second option but it will ruin my relationship with Edward or anyone for that matter.

I was honest with Edward and I didn't hold back with him like I had when we divorced which was justified. For once I didn't care about hurting his feelings, something I have been cautious about because at the time I wanted him to be more comfortable with talking to me. I still felt like he was hiding so much but turns out I was hiding. I was still holding onto resentment and fear that something like that could happen again.

I didn't think I could forgive Edward in the moment when my out of control suppressed emotions from that night and everything that happened after it.

I drive to Edward's feeling like a weight is off of my shoulders. I need to talk to him as soon as possible and I've honestly missed him. I am tired of being upset with him and I do want to be able to move on.

It's not long before I am in front of the door.

I choose to knock even though I know the passcode because I know he probably wasn't expecting me since I really haven't talked to him all day.

He opens the door, sleepy eyed and confused.

"Hi," I breathe.

"Hey," he says warily.

"We need to talk." My words heighten our nervousness but he moves to the side and opens the door for me to walk in.

We take a seat on the couch. We sit on opposite ends, facing each other and waiting for one of us to say something first.

My Angel is happy that we are talking while My Devil rolls her eyes.

"I'm sorry," we say at the same time. We smirk then begin laughing, easing the tension.

"You first." I tell him because I want to know how he is feeling before I share anything.

"I didn't think that bringing up…" his voice fades as he chooses his words carefully.

"It's okay." I tell him.

He nods and takes a deep breath. "I didn't think bringing up that night would hurt you and I'm sorry for that."

I nod. "I know."

"When you said you can't forgive me," he continues, shaking his head. "I just knew that I was going to lose you but your feelings and reaction were and are rational."

Relief washes over me that he has already put pieces together. His maturity is evident and I have to give him credit for learning how to become much more understanding.

"I don't want to lose you and I want to try to earn your forgiveness if you will let me."

He reminds me of his initial request to let him back in my life. I could have said no then and none of this would have ever happened. We wouldn't have rekindled, we wouldn't have slept together, we would have continued to fight, but I chose to try to let him back him.

I knew from the beginning that we would eventually have to hash out our past if we wanted this to work. I had to at least try because if I didn't, I would always wonder what could have happened. I no longer wanted anything to hinder me from living my best life and becoming the best Bella I am supposed to be, including that night.

Edward wants to try, he always has, and at this point in our relationship why not do so? We've had a few hiccups but he has kept his promise on being here for me during all of the hard times I have had since I've been back in Forks.

"Please say something," he says, desperation thick in his voice.

I gather my thoughts because he has somewhat deterred what I had planned to say.

"When you brought up Vegas, it was the first time it had been mentioned to me since rehab and I never really handled it well there either," I explain. "To hear it come from you, someone who was there and someone I blamed for so many years. I reacted."

"Which was well grounded," he reminds me.

"I know," I say honestly even though it's something I realized not even an hour ago.

My Confidence is beaming in her light of understanding and approval.

"When I said I couldn't forgive you, I didn't mean I could never forgive you. You weren't there then but you are now and I think that counts for something."

I watch as the tension leaves his body and he relaxes slightly. "Really?"

I nod slowly. "I was as much part of that night as you were. Bad people do bad things, which isn't our fault." I repeat Angela's words from earlier. "We both put ourselves in a dangerous situation, living on adrenaline and money. We were too blind to see how it could potentially damage us so we did it. I have to forgive myself too."

He moves himself from the other end of the couch and towards me. "Look Bella, there's something I need to tell you before you decide if you want to try to forgive me."

He's serious and I am confused. What could he possibly tell me that could keep me from forgiving him? I've already decided that I was going to try and I'm worried I've set myself up for failure but I nod for him to say what he needs to anyway.

"After we divorced, I planned to go to Canada but I met someone."

Over the months, Edward and I have discussed the dating period we had when we weren't together. It included a lot of laughs and embarrassing stories. It ended on a note that they really didn't matter, including Tanya and Jacob despite being closer with them.

"Not like that," he quickly corrects himself. "I met Aro, a leader in an Italian mafia and owner of multiple casinos and well known in the underground."

I take what he just said in.

"Did you play for him?"

He nods.

I am angry all over again. "How could you do that knowing what it did to me?" I surprisingly keep my voice even and don't yell.

"I had already lost you, I didn't have anything else. Let me explain."

I let him.

He tells me everything. How he decided that a visit to the casino would be good for him during his layover and how he met the man named Aro. They took him in and took care of all expenses as long as he won the money and more back. He travelled internationally and played games with people who were like him, talented and used as an extra source of income for their businesses. They were powerful and he was good at what he did so it was like a perfect match.

"But there's something else I have to do." His body language is tense again but I don't make moves to help calm him.

I am trying to be understanding because I know him telling me this is hard but it's a setback for me deciding to move forward. Even after this, can I still try? Should I even try?

"I got into a fight in the underground. It caused a lot of uproar and almost a war between the Italians and who we were playing."

Edward had always had a temper like me and he could be an asshole but was always ready to back himself up.

"That's why I don't tattoo anymore. I broke my hand and damaged some tendons. It hurts after five minutes."

I had ignored the fact that I hadn't seen Edward tattoo while I was here but I thought it was because he was spending time with me, not that he broke his hand.

"Aro saved me from being killed and he put a debt on me." He rubs his hands over his face as he replays his decisions in his head. He explains to me how Aro reached out to him for one last underground game in Seattle in a couple of months. "But this is it, I will never play again after this."

I don't know what to think at this point but I am not angry anymore. I don't feel bad for him, more like disappointment in him because he made his choice that will still affect us when I am deciding to finally move forward, but maybe this will be the last test for our relationship. Or maybe I am still the same naive, in love with the idea of love Bella I have always been.

"Are you sure?" I ask because even though our addictions were different, I know firsthand what it takes to completely give it up.

He nods. "Let me show you that you can forgive me and trust me. I don't want you to worry about anything. I will handle this. " He seems confident but I can't help but think this is a bad idea. These men have more power than Edward and I combined. He may be capable of handling it but I can't help but to worry.

Despite the bad feeling I have, I again choose to give it a chance anyways.

"Okay," I tell him.

He smiles, pulling me into him. I melt into his arms and he puts his lips on mine. "Okay." He says after we pull away.

…

Author's note: Bella is someone who gives chance after chance. Will this given chance end up good or bad? Tell me what you think in the re