Elizabeth dropped back on the bed as soon as she heard the click of the door. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep. In itself, the conversation with Andrew had stressed her out, then when he tried to hug her, she had been unable to keep her panic under control. Nadine and Frank had taken care of her and her panic had finally subsided. Whereby it had done good to let her tears run. The tears she had been swallowing down for ages. The tears for Andrew, for her and for both of them. For the fact that she couldn't take it anymore. Pity. Not for him, but for herself, for being in the situation she was in and not quite knowing how to help herself.
She turned on her side and buried her head in one of the many pillows to muffle her sobs.
She must have lain there for quite a while, dozing off, because when she heard a knock on the door, she was startled out of a fitful sleep. "Ma'am, we'll be landing in an hour and a half. You have yet another hour before you have to put your seat belt back on." How she loved Daisy for always seeming to know. She sat up and looked around for her suitcase before answering Daisy. "Thanks, I'll be right out. I have to..."
"No problem, ma'am. Nadine and I have already discussed everything else and cleared it with Brussel. Consider the meeting done. I'll meet you in your office in an hour, then you can nod off the calendar while we land." Elizabeth was just about to reply and thank Daisy properly, but took from the footsteps moving away from the door that Daisy had already left. She sighed, she really would have to talk to Russell about a raise them.
Slowly she crawled to the edge of the bed where she pulled her legs over and sat down. The pressure in her chest was now completely gone and she could finally breathe again. After stretching, she got up, rummaged out all her things from her suitcase and disappeared towards the bathroom. Meanwhile, the bad conscience began to plague her. Had she really spent almost six hours lying in her bed crying her misery away? Oh God, she could have been answering mails, making important phone calls, or reading reports. She groaned.
Now in the bathroom adjoining her compartment, she looked in the mirror and rubbed her eyes. She would not be able to avoid a basic cleaning. Her makeup was now completely smeared, her eyes completely undermined and her hair a complete mess. A bird's nest, she had a bird's nest on her head. That's what her aunt had always said when she saw her with disheveled hair. A tired smile played across her lips. That had been so long ago. Back then, she was just the child who had lost her parents in a terrible car accident and was then raised by her aunt along with her brother. Who would have thought then that she would be Secretary of State one day. Probably no one...
She placed her shampoo and shower gel in the shower. She wouldn't be able to avoid showering, besides it would help her get rid of her fatigue and relax her tense muscles. As she undressed, she tried to avoid looking in the mirror. She knew what she would see there. Hell, she could tell. But still she refused to look in the mirror, that would make it real. Most of all, she wanted to forget about it all and just go back to her former life. To the life where everything was still okay.
The warm water made her muscles relax and she enjoyed the feeling. She closed her eyes, rested her head on the back of her neck and let the water splash over her face as well. After lathering her hair and scrubbing her body, she decided to take a cold shower. This would wake her up and flush the fatigue from her body. As she shivered slightly from the cold, she turned off the water and reached for the towel she had placed within reach earlier. She wrapped herself up and sighed again as she stood in front of the mirror.
As she applied the makeup brush to her skin and tried to cover her dark circles, her eyes met her blue upper arm in the reflection. All at once, it was all there again. She felt overwhelmed by the feelings coursing through her. She took a few deep breaths in and out to calm her breathing again. Another panic attack would definitely not help her right know. Decisively, she dropped her towel and stared in the mirror at her battered body. "This can't go on." She said to herself in a firm voice. "As hard as it is. You can't do this anymore. Tell him." She knew she should listen to her mind and approach the whole thing rationally, not blinded by false feelings. "He hurt you and he knew it." Now as she heard herself saying these things out loud, she had made her decision.
As she dried her hair, she continued to think about it. How should she tell him? Should she just present him with the papers, or engage in a discussion after all? Just thinking about him trying to convince her that she was making the 'wrong' decision brought it up. Two years she had already put up with this. Two long years of discomfort and fear of what he would do next. She shook her head hoping to clear her head. She would finish the papers once they were back in DC and present him with a fait accompli. It probably made the most sense that way. And then the next time she was at the White House, she would talk to Russell and Conrad, just to warn them about the press reaction and explain the situation to them. After that she had to tell her own stuff as well. As priority most likely Daisy, after all, she would have to take care of the press.
She continued with her dressing process. A fresh pantsuit, washed hair and some makeup, suggested nothing of the fact that she had cried herself to sleep earlier.
Nadine, followed by Daisy, stepped into the Secretary's office in the minutes the seatbelt symbol lit up. Both women sat down in the two chairs in front of the desk, fastened their seat belts and crossed their legs. Shortly after, the door opened and Elizabeth stepped out. Just about to adjust her top, she sat down across from her co-workers and buckled her seat belt as well.
There was no longer any sign of the panic and nervous breakdown on her face. In fact, there was no emotion on her face at all. She watched as the woman across from them pulled her mouth into a smile. "Okay, what's our plan for Brussels?" Nadine was struck once again by how much she admired the woman in front her for that. It probably came with the job, facing the toughest dictator...
"So the first meeting with Jensen is postponed until tomorrow morning? I thought that was scheduled for today." Elizabeth's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Daisy had presented the Secretary with the calendar.
"Um, we thought, for the occasion, it would be better this way." She heard herself say. "For the occasion?" inquired Elizabeth with raised eyebrows. "Well, we thought maybe some rest might do you some good," Daisy forestalled Nadine.
Elizabeth glanced again at the calendar in front of her. Before she spoke quietly, still with her head down. "Thank you."
Nadine knew she wasn't just thanking her for the break in the schedule, but for everything before it. But there was more, she sensed that. Something Elizabeth wasn't telling them. She could literally see her torn inside. Then Elizabeth raised her head and looked at the two women across from her. "Thanks for the help earlier, too. I, um... "
Nadine knew the Secretary was desperate for an explanation for her panic attack, and quickly jumped in. "... It can happen. No big deal. You probably just had some circulation problems and then the thin air flying..." She and Daisy knew it couldn't be that and Elizabeth know, too, that she and Daisy knew. It was purely a cover story in case any questions came. Besides, the story took some of the tension that had arisen out of the air. Two grateful eyes looked at her. "Yeah, right. Circulation problems."
Still, something was on Nadine's mind. She sought Elizabeth's eye contact again and looked her firmly in the eye as she spoke on with deliberation. "Your private lives are none of our business. Until you tell us yourself, we know nothing. You can trust and rely on us. So, if you want to tell us something..." Elizabeth raised her hand and Nadine fell silent. "I know." She paused briefly before continuing quieter "But now is not the time."