The knock on the hotel suite door startled her out of her sleep. While she was getting up, she already heard her so familiar voice. "Bess? I brought you some food."
"Woah, you're a lifesaver." Mike nodded at her with a gentle smile. Before turning back around in the doorway and setting his groceries down on the living room table. She pulled her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. Slowly, dressed only in a nightgown, she stepped into the room.
"Oh well, Nadine got in touch with me and wished you a speedy recovery again. She says you will be missed terribly at the office and they all can't wait for you to get back. Deputy Secretary Cushing must be a bit unrehearsed... Also, she indicated that Daisy wanted to discuss something else with you personally. Has she gotten back to you yet?" Bess shook her head languidly and drew in a sharp breath as her still swollen nose made itself known. Pain ran through her in a brief but sharp twinge. Mike turned his head briefly and looked at her with a concerned expression. "Still no better? I thought the doctor said the pain should subside after a week." Bess was just able to stop herself from shaking her head again, and instead just looked at him piercingly. "I don't know, maybe someone should look at it again. If you ask me, the nose still doesn't look very good. But that's up to you. I'll stay out of it... And while I'm at it, I asked around. You know, about a divorce lawyer..." Bess' throat tightened and she pressed her lips together to hold back the tears. Mike had started setting the table. Which meant as much as getting the food out of the bags and spreading it halfway respectably on the table, and hadn't noticed her reaction to the mention of the lawyer. "Go freshen up and put on some decent clothes. It's pretty chilly like this."
A tear flowed down her cheek as she turned and walked slowly toward the closet. She pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants, a matching sweater, and a white top, and along with a fresh pair of underwear, disappeared into the bathroom. She turned on the shower and stripped off her clothes. Only when the water had reached a comfortable temperature, she stood under the jet. Not wasting a thought on her hair, which was soaking wet right after. With difficulty she lathered her body and then her hair thoroughly. Carefully, she spread the lather on her face as well, washing away the tears, blood and sweat of the past few days. She really enjoyed feeling the water flow over her battered body. Briefly she closed her eyes to be able to enjoy the moment completely. So she managed to fade out the pain for a while. Silently, the tears of despair and exhaustion flowed down her cheeks. At some point, however, the pain was back. Even stronger than before. She opened her eyes again and turned off the warm water with a sigh. She pressed her lips together as she caught sight of herself in the mirror.
It hadn't been long since she had looked at herself in the reflection in the bathroom of her office. Back then, her body had been covered in bruises and her cheekbones had been the first thing on her face to stand out, along with the dark circles under her eyes. Now she faced an Elizabeth she only dimly knew. Her cheeks were even more sunken and her gaze was tired and clouded with pain. Unlike then, her body did not bear any hematomas, but only shone with a thick and purple shimmering nose. Looking at herself like this, she saw a certain resemblance to Rudolph the deer. She smirked and burst into tears.
She didn't bother to muffle her crying. She let it all out. The pain from her nose, her heartache, the stress, the pressure, the fear and the despair. All these emotions rushed over her and the only thing she could do was slide down on the sink. She was broken. Didn't know what to do, didn't know how to go forward, didn't know how to go back. The pain and despair had overtaken her. For so long she had tried to be strong, had fought against it and now it was all there at once. Suddenly a thought came to her. It was just like when her parents had died. She hadn't eaten anything anymore, lost a lot of weight, screamed into her pillow at night, and did other harmful things, but didn't let on during the day...
She pressed her hands in front of her eyes and ignored the pain that flared up again. She hadn't let on then because she had found a way to deal with the pain... Even today she bore the scars... her lower belly was littered with cuts.
Mike had heard her crying. He had briefly considered going to her, but decided against it. After all, she would then pretend again that everything was all right and pull herself together. But that wouldn't help her. It would only make things worse. Time and tears, that was the secret to making it through almost any difficult time. But if you never allowed the tears, it turned out to be a bit difficult. He finished setting the table and sat down. He gave her an ultimatum. In 20 minutes, he would check on her. But he gave her that long.
"Bess, you already know that wasn't okay." His gaze literally pierced her. She nodded, barely perceptibly, but otherwise said nothing. "Get a lawyer, file for divorce." Her gaze didn't lift from the tabletop in front of her. "I can pick one out for you. He'll get everything ready for you and get it all set up. All you have to do is sign." Still there was no response from Bess. Her head was lowered. "Bess. Really. You can't let him get away with this. Even if you still somehow love him and he somehow loves you. Please. It's not normal. No one treats another person like this when they love them." It took strength to suppress her emotions and tears. Deep down, she knew Mike was right, but couldn't bring herself to say it. She felt him put his hand on her back. "I know this is a lot to ask." She finally got up the courage and looked at him. "I know. I know I should file for divorce and report him. But Mike, I just can't. I just can't..." And then the tears had flowed.
He shut his laptop resolutely after the 20 minutes were up. He had managed to sort out some documents, to write formulations and to answer the mails of his real work, namely the lawyer's work. Satisfied with himself, he rose and poked his head into the bedroom. "Bess?" When he received no answer, he tried again. "Bess? Dinner's is ready." Now he approached the door to the bathroom and knocked, first cautiously, then more firmly. "Bess? Don't scare me! Are you all right? Open the door, please." He heard footsteps, then she opened the door for him. He could count on one hand the days he'd seen her in sweatpants; today would definitely be one of them. "Thank God! Don't scare me like that, please!"
"Sorry. Sorry." She stepped past him. "I just lost track of time a little."
"It's all good. It's sushi anyway. So won't be cold." He followed her into the living room. He had seen her crying face, but decided to ignore it for now. And was she limping, or was he just imagining it? Probably he was just too worried. "Do you think the mothers in Japan call their children with 'children come, that food is getting warm'..." She looked at him with narrowed eyes and pursed her mouth. "It's okay, forget it. Now let's have some food." At some point, Mike started again, telling her again that Nadine had called in, extending get-well wishes from her co-workers, and reminding her that Daisy was going to check in with her later. When he mentioned the lawyer again, Bess raised her head, which had been lowered until then, and looked at him expectantly. "And?"
Mike frowned briefly and looked at her questioningly. "What do you want me to say?" Bess looked down at her hands folded in her lap. "I don't know exactly, but I think you..." She swallowed and looked up with wide eyes that reflected her sadness. "Did you bring the papers?" Mike finished chewing and watched her. "Of course you have them. You're Mike B. ..." A smile played around her lips. Mike put his chopsticks to the side and reached for his briefcase. After finding the right stapler inside, he pulled it out and shrugged slightly. "I don't know what you're doing with it. And it's none of my business, either. I just hope you make the right decision for yourself. The lawyer's contact information is on the front of the first page. If you wish, I'm sure he would take care of Andrew's signature as well." Bess dabbed at her mouth with a napkin and reached across the table for the stapler. She glanced at it briefly, then looked Mike in the face, then turned back to the stapler. As she opened it, the name of the law firm jumped right into her eye and looked at Mike, startled. "This is the most expensive law firm in all of D.C. ..."
"So what? You're the freaking Secretary of State, and besides, this is not -well, not only- the most expensive law firm, it's the most secretive law firm. So..." Bess looked at him uncertainly. But Mike just nodded at her encouragingly, "Believe me. I've been looking around and Dr. Margraff is doing a great job..." She kept scrolling and came to the page where Dr. Pascal Margraff presented himself and his contact information was noted. Behind it were endless documents attached, clearly outlining terms and conditions rare, prices, and explaining any situations that might arise. When she looked at the document waiting for her signature, her throat tightened again. Frozen, she looked at the sheet of paper with 'Divorce Form' written boldly above it. She swallowed. After a moment of silence, she turned back to Mike. "Do you know how this feels? When you sign this -no, when you already holding these papers in your hand- you feel so shitty. Like you're a failure. Someone who 'can't even' make their marriage work." She hadn't realized that tears had welled up in her eyes as she spoke. With her voice choked with tears, she looked at the paper again. "Do you know what that feels like? Like your heart is being ripped out of your body alive and crushed before your eyes." She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her lips together. He watched her. It broke him to see her like this.
"FUCK! Fucking SHIT!" She threw herself sideways on the couch and screamed into a pillow. Completely forgetting her nose, she let out a cry of pain as her nose made contact with the pillow.
She stared at the ceiling. Grateful that she didn't feel the pain. When Mike had held the lawyer's papers under her nose, she had only managed to stay halfway cool. But with each passing minute the effect had worn off, so finally panic had overtaken her again and she had barely made it to the bathroom. Actually, she had sworn never to go down that way again. The memory of it was too terrible, but she had broken this vow the first time in the hospital a few days ago. And now again.
With tears in her eyes, she propped herself up on the sink and stared deeply into her reflection before turning away and reaching for a fresh towel and her razor. Actually, she needed disinfectant or the cuts would probably get infected, but she didn't have any here. She looked at herself in the mirror again. She saw a broken woman. Not the Elizabeth she knew. It was an emaciated, weepy, desperate, tired woman. A woman to whom life had dealt an evil hand and who stood before the ruins. Not knowing where to start first. She bit her cheek. Shit!
The ringing of her cell phone snapped her out of her thoughts. She lifted it from the nightstand and was fine looking at the display. Ringing out to her was the incoming call from Daisy Grant. She glanced at the time, 10:48 p.m. Hesitantly, her finger skimmed over the lean-to button, but that's when Mike's words came back to her. 'Daisy wants to talk to you about something in person later,' and she took the call. "Ma'am?" "Daisy, what is it?"
"I have an email here from a journalist friend of mine. And excuse me for saying so, but..." She didn't feel like dealing with it right now. It was so typical again. The press tore her apart and completely forgot that she was also a human being. A human being with problems, worries and feelings. "What's our response to that?"
"No comment." No comment. She had never said that before on a subject like this. Normally she had thrown herself like a lioness in front of her private life, protecting it with everything she had. Today, she no longer had the strength to do so. Besides, what was there left to protect...? She sighed, the only thing she wanted now was to sleep. They were still working, she still had a chance to sleep. She shrugged Daisy off and was just hanging up when her eyes fell shut and a restless sleep overtook her. At some point, she had to tell. Whether she wanted to or not.
Daisy was surprised at how relaxed Secretary sounded. She remained perfectly composed as Daisy explained that the press had pictures of her and Mike B. showing the evening at the Watergate. To be exact, they were pictures where Mike had taken her in his arms and kissed her on the head. Her mascara had completely run and was spread all over her face from the tears. Among the pictures were oblique innuendos, questioning her relationship status with Andrew, and condemning her absence from the State Department. But unlike Daisy had expected, the Secretary was not enraged as usual for her when her private life was torn apart in the press and would have asked her to prevent the publication at all costs, much more she hardly reacted. Almost listlessly.
She frowned in wonder and decided she would handle the article as she always had. As she said goodbye and then put the phone on the hook with a shake of her head, she looked at Matt with a raised eyebrow. "What was that about?" Daisy shook her head exhaustedly "Honestly, I don't know, but somehow I'm not entirely comfortable with it. She seemed so different somehow." She shrugged her shoulders. "Do you think there's anything to that story?" Matt pointed to the computer in front of her.
"Honestly, I don't know," Daisy replied quietly after a moment's silence.