Chapter 8 – Adam
"If you keep moving, the stitch will be distorted as you heal", Hange warned softly, biting her lips in concentration. Cynthia inhaled through gritted teeth as the curved needle bit through the flesh of her arm. Medics worked on stabilising Sophia nearby, but Cynthia feared it was too late for the officer. It had been a couple hours before anyone managed to find them, the afternoon sun hurting her eyes. Cynthia's mind had numbed in the meantime, left alone with her thoughts for far too long. It took conscious effort to re-live the afternoon's events as her mind begged for the relief of sleep. She had to tell the others something important, but her mind would shut down every time she got close to saying it.
"Hange, I need to tell you something", Cynthia muttered, wincing as the surgical thread pulled at her skin, fresh crimson leaking down her arm. Hot, stinging tears weld in the corner of her eyes. Through blurred vision, she saw Levi speaking with a scout who appeared to be debriefing him. The scout handed him what looked like Sophia's notebook, the pages stained red. He quickly skimmed the book's contents. She watched as he tucked into the inner breast pocket of his jacket inconspicuously, expression unreadable.
"Be quiet; we can speak later, okay. I have to concentrate," Hange hushed Cynthia, voice strangely soothing. Their soft, practised fingertips brushed against Cynthia's cold skin as her arm continued to shake uncontrollably. She wondered if Hange found her pitiful in her agonised state - if she was saddened or angered by her pain. The brunette was simply void of such emotions, only concerned with repairing the wound in front of her. But there was a certain gleam in her eye that suggested frustration. Regret.
"Hange-" Cynthia started, weakly remembering the screams coming from the mountain, but words escaped her as Hange began a new stitch. Levi's eyes shot to Cynthia's when she grunted in pain. He analysed her condition from afar, grey eyes drifting between her, the bodies and the kerfuffle occurring around Sophia's motionlessness. He approached where they were crouched underneath a tree, expression steely.
"They said shut up", Levi interrupted quietly, kneeling next to them. He glared at Cynthia's arm, watching as she struggled to keep it still.
"What happened? You look disgusting," he continued, reminding her of her dishevelled appearance, dried blood covering her face and uniform. Cynthia wondered why he bothered asking, seeing as he was clearly debriefed by the scout he spoke to beforehand.
"They were attacked. Bandits, we think," Hange said, voice steady but frustrated, "I can't believe they beat us to prospecting certain areas outside the walls. Worse yet, if they have traps set, they may have a settlement. I've halted all exploration and called everyone back to the camp."
"I'm sure if bandits are out here, it isn't to prospect, Hange. You can still add 'explorer' to your increasingly long, stupid list of titles", Levi said, slightly humoured by her reaction. His words, while prodding, seemed to relax her.
"You can certainly add 'medic' to that list," Cynthia said weakly, earning a small, toothless smile from Hange.
"I'm so fucking stupid, I shouldn't have sent you out in the field this early on. Stupid, stupid, stupid…", Hange mused, angular face tensed with annoyance again. Cynthia was quiet, not sure how to take the comment. The idea Hange distrusted her abilities deflated her, but they may have not meant for their words to hold that meaning.
"It was stupid to take responsibility for her in the first place," Levi said with a spike of anger, earning a side-eye from Hange, gaze blazing.
"If you just taught her how to use ODM already, it wouldn't be an issue" Hange bit back, struggling to finish the stitch as Cynthia shivered in pain.
"She's not ready for ODM gear", Levi simply stated, unamused. Cynthia's heart swelled and fluttered when Hange un-expectantly came to her defence.
"She took down two assailants who had the upper hand. How is she not ready?" Hange argued.
"I can't teach an unwilling student", Levi sighed, their conversation devolving into bickering.
"Why are you talking about me like I'm not here?" Cynthia cried, feeling like a child watching her parents fight. They ignored her; eye's locking as they continued to argue. Her head was screaming at her through her pain, causing her jaw to lock shut.
"Maybe she wouldn't be so unwilling if you didn't treat her like a prisoner", Hange eventually said.
But I am one, Cynthia couldn't help but think.
"Maybe your shit addled brain would have predicted this happening if you weren't so worried about nurturing pet projects," Levi said harshly, referring to Cynthia. Cynthia became tense underneath the weight of the accusation. Pet project?
"No one could predict this. We had no reason to believe there was any danger," Cynthia interrupted, revising the expedition proposal in her head.
"That's no excuse not to prepare for it. The military court will be up our asses about this," Levi said, but it was a weak defence on his part.
"Then prepare me", Cynthia spat, her annoyance reaching boiling point. She pointed to where the scouts lifted Sophia onto a stretcher. "She- Sophia. She's going to die. If I could have followed her, then I might have been able to stop her from falling. But I was useless without the gear. She wouldn't be dying right now. I know I have been unwilling but… It's my fault."
Levi's expression softened ever so slightly, surprise in his features. Hange went to say something, but no words escaped her mouth. The three of them silently agreed to concede the argument, for now, prompting Hange to quietly go back to trying to thread Cynthia's flesh back together. The new pain caused her to whelp and shake violently. With surprising gentleness, Levi leaned forward and firmly placed his hands on her arm on either side of the wound, steading Cynthia's arm for Hange. His hands were warm – comforting almost.
"There you go, four-eyes," Levi said. Hange nodded thanks, working quickly as Cynthia groaned.
"Don't you mean three-eyes?" Cynthia laughed weakly, trying to diffuse her discomfort.
"Doesn't have the same ring to it", Levi stated. If he was amused, he hid it well. Cynthia searched their faces, both tense with thought and concentration, the concern palpable. She wanted to squirm again, but they both kept her steady, Hange placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder between stitches. It felt strange to her, being tended to in such away. They're both pretty when they're thinking.
"What scared the cartographer?" Levi asked suddenly, noticing Cynthia's stare. Dread overcame her.
"I – I think I know. But I don't know how. I haven't heard it since you got here," Cynthia muttered painfully as Hange finished the last stitch. Cynthia's words caught her attention, expression burning with interest.
"It?" She asked, throwing the needle into an alcohol bath and grabbing bandages out of her medical kit.
"I really don't know how to say this," Cynthia whispered so as not to draw more attention, "But there's something in the mountain. Something loud, something big. Something like…"
Hange's eye went wide, her jaw dropping slightly in exasperation. A twisted expression of excitement, bewilderment and fear came over her.
"A TI-?" she started to exclaim, but Levi slammed a hand over her mouth, muffling her. It didn't arouse nearly as much suspicion as Cynthia thought it would. Levi became stern again.
"Show us where," he said, releasing Hange and reaching into his pockets. He pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to Cynthia. "But first, clean your face."
"Up there," Cynthia said, pointing to the ridge with her good arm, "She grappled up there and shimmied along the edge. She must have found more footing further along."
"Got it", Hange said as she and Levi primed their ODM gear.
"Be careful. Sophia slipped up there," Cynthia warned, "It's why she fell and… well, yeah."
"Understood," Levi said instead of dismissing the warning like Cynthia had anticipated.
The hooks deployed loudly as both scouts launched upward, weightless like Sophia was. Once again, Cynthia found herself watching the ridge anxiously, waiting for the two to reappear, and secretly fearing they would meet a similar fate. She heard Hange sputtering, voice shrill. She reappeared, mystified and animated. She rappelled down using her gear to land safely beside Cynthia. Before she could react, the commander snaked an arm around her waist, anchoring her arm underneath Cynthia's harness.
"What-?" Cynthia started but was too caught off guard to complete the thought.
"I need you to see this. Ready?" Hange asked, deploying a hook into the rock side. Her questioning gaze was electrifying, intense. Cynthia paused, drinking in the feeling of her hand on her side, thinking about the impressions her fingers would likely leave behind. She took a breath, bracing for the inertia and nodded. It was like flying, moving through the air that quickly – she wasn't prepared for the speed, the sense of imbalance and lack of control. But blood rushed in her ears, and she felt elevated. Free.
"Woah!"
Despite Hange's affirming grasp on her harness, Cynthia impulsively adjusted her weight, throwing an arm around Hange's shoulders to fight the sensation of falling. Before she knew it, they landed firmly on a decently sized, flat outcrop. Cynthia felt like she was still moving, keeping a fist full of Hange's shirt in her hand to steady herself.
"My eyes… it's like the floor is still moving," Cynthia said, feeling the need to explain why she was grabbed onto her. Hange giggled, strangely delighted.
"You think it's bad now; wait until you do it for hours straight. It's like your eyes get motion sick first, and then you do," Hange explained, squeezing Cynthia's arm assumingly, "You did well, though! I could feel you adjusting to the force of movement – balance is key when you start learning."
"Right", Cynthia acknowledged. She had to admit, the thrill of flight felt good. The wind in her hair felt good. Really good. It was similar to the adrenaline she would get fighting – without the fear of death, of course. She supposed that it would be different on her own, however.
Once the world stopped moving, she let go of Hange and laid eyes on her surroundings, feeling even more breathless. It was a large plateau of slate, the other side of the mountain giving way to more dense forest. To her left was a massive cave entrance that bore into the mountainside. From what she could see from the mouth, it didn't lead inward but downward into an impossibly large hole. Levi was up ahead, crouching by the entrance, staring into what looked like an unfathomable abyss.
"Wow," Cynthia muttered, processing the daunting but beautiful environment. She could have never imagined it this spectacular. From her tiny attic in Marley to here. How?
"Do you see what I see?" Hange asked, pointing to the stone wall beside the cave entrance. Old and weather-worn were words engraved into the fragmenting slate, corroded but certainly readable up close.
"What the hell?" Cynthia asked, puzzled, already approaching the stone walls before even instructed to do so. Hange was already in tow, almost skipping in excitement.
"RIGHT? What the hell, indeed. I can't read it, but I think it's…."
"It's Marleyan", Cynthia confirmed before Hange completed her thought. She nodded dramatically, grabbing Cynthia's shoulders. Cynthia ran her hands over the scripture, trying to clarify the writings.
"Do you know what this means? There were humans here, on Paradis. Marleyans were here before we were. I have so many questions!" Hange muttered feverishly, "How old is it? Why is it here? If it's Marleyan, why aren't there any Marleyans here now? What does it say?"
Cynthia felt herself go slack as she read the words.
"I…" Cynthia started, but she was at a loss. She wasn't sure she was reading it correctly.
"What? What does it say? Cyn!" Hange complained, shaking her slightly. Cynthia ignored her.
"Shut up, Hange," Levi said, noticing Cynthia's confusion. He seemed dispassionate, but his face held concern.
"It's – it's a grave. I think," Cynthia said, rereading the engravings. Her mouth felt dry.
"The cave is?" Hange asked.
"Yes. There are no dates, but the way this is written, it's ancient. I couldn't understand it at first, but I think… I think it says, 'Here resides Adam, light of my life… keeper of my sins. May his sacrifice absolve me of my dealings with the devil…?" Cynthia started reading, but words fell short as she read the last sentence.
"What?" Levi asked. Cynthia swallowed.
"'I let the world know my deepest regret – which is you never got to see your first spring. I wish you were never born'" Cynthia whispered, blinking through misted eyes. The words hit her to her core - more than she wished they had. The day had been hard enough as it was. Hange and Levi were also quiet, reflecting. I wish you were never born. How ironically Marleyan, Cynthia thought.
"Is that all?" Hange asked quietly, placing a hand against the engraving, sullen. Cynthia pointed out a symbol that stood out from the rest of the text – an upside-down cross, a second line drawn through the middle. Cynthia didn't recognise it.
"This might be a signature of some sort, but I'm not sure," Cynthia said.
"Must have been the mother who etched it", Levi observed.
"What makes you say that?" Hange asked him. He pointed to the scripture, referring to the length of the text.
"That would have taken a long time to scratch into stone like this. A mother's dedication," he said flatly like it was apparent. Cynthia thought was it an interesting assumption, albeit astute. And likely correct.
"It also says he 'resides' here. Not 'lies' here. Do you think he's not dead but… a titan? Down there?" Hange started asking, directing the question to Cynthia. She recounted the loud bellows from earlier, gingerly peering down into the blackness. She nodded thoughtfully.
"It would make sense. Maybe Sophia saw it, and that's why she freaked out," Cynthia said, pulling back from the edge. She was not afraid of the height but of what could be watching them from the darkness.
"You mean Adam?" Hange asked, fearlessly balancing on the cave mouth's edge, searching the dark.
"I guess, but… a baby? Who would infect a baby with titan spinal fluid? What kind of monster…." Cynthia muttered, disturbed by the idea. Her eye's drifted to the scripture again.
"The mother, maybe? The engraving suggests as such, and if Levi's right, maybe she was dedicated to the engraving because… she felt guilty?" Hange suggested, pushing her glasses up in thought. Cynthia shook her head, not entirely sold on the idea.
"This place is old… older than when Marleyan's had the knowledge of the fluid. This was written by a Marleyan before Paradis was populated by Eldian refugees," Cynthia explained.
"If the boy was transformed into a titan, that means his father was Eldian," Levi mused, "Maybe he did it; the mother was just the one who put him here."
"But why?" Cynthia contemplated. The three of them fell silent, lost in their own thoughts.
"We could just ask him!" Hange said, and Cynthia wasn't sure if it was a joke or not.
"Hange, don't-" Levi started, already understanding what was happening. Cynthia could only dream of having such intuition. Hange leaned down and called into the abyss.
"OI! Adam! You down there?" She yelled, her voice resounded loudly around them.
"You're insane" Cynthia couldn't help but laugh. It was totally absurd, and yet she found herself laughing. Levi rolled his eyes.
"If a giant baby starts crawling out the earth's asshole, I'm leaving you to become titan shit," he said harshly. Still, Cynthia could see he was also amused in his own subtle way. Maybe this is why they get along, Cynthia thought.
"Ah, doesn't matter. It would appear Adam is not home," Hange said sadly in response to resounding silence, kicking a stone into the hole. A solid few seconds passed before the sound of it hitting the ground hit their ears.
"I heard it – him – when Sophia fell. Like the… screaming had alerted it or something. Where could he have gone?" Cynthia questioned, puzzled by it all.
"We could always check", Hange suggested, affectionately patting her gear.
"No," Levi and Cynthia said in unison. Hange grumbled her displeasure.
"It's too dark. If it's down there, it would be impossible to see coming. Too risky," Levi elaborated.
"We can mark the cave on the maps and check back later. Maybe Adam is somewhere deeper in the mountain right now," Cynthia suggested, hoping Hange's curiosity was satisfied for now. She slumped, lips pulled thinly into a grimace.
"Fine. We'll mark it, probably patrol it too, seeing as we have to worry about bandits as well," Hange conceded. Cynthia slapped her forehead, cursing her forgetfulness.
"Right! The two who attacked me, I think they also knew about this place. When the titan roared, it was like they didn't even hear it. They didn't care at all," Cynthia explained.
"Great, another mystery. The basement was bad enough," Levi said bitterly, "We'll discuss that later – it's getting dark."
He was right – Cynthia hadn't noticed the sun was already setting. She found herself enraptured, maybe as infatuated as Hange, by whatever ancient mystery resided here. Levi only seemed to become increasingly uncomfortable, avoiding gaze on the horizon.
"We had a good thing going, but I suppose you're right," Hange sighed, leading them back to the cliff edge, "I like this, the three of us brainstorming. Reminds me of-"
"Don't", Levi softly warned her, grabbing Cynthia's attention. Her eyes shifted between Levi and Hange, noticing immediate tension in their bodies, the air turning thick with restlessness. Whatever fun they were having had now dissipated, replaced with clenched jaws and regret. Levi's stare was piercing. Hange was clearly about to touch a nerve and was remorseful. Cynthia kept her mouth shut.
"Sorry," Hange simply said, gesturing Cynthia to stand by her side, "Let's get going."
Cynthia stayed quiet as Hange looped her arm around her once more, safely landing them back onto the forest floor. She resisted grabbing her this time, more prepared for the weightlessness.
"Thanks," Cynthia said as Hange wordlessly released her. She seemed deflated by the confrontation, pensively staring ahead. Cynthia found it jarring how quickly her excitement was squashed by a simple don't. She side-eyed Levi as he joined them and watched him walk ahead quickly, avoiding the possibility of conversation.
"He's pretty good at making things awkward, huh?" Cynthia said, trying to lighten the mood. Hange smiled, making Cynthia's heart swell again.
"Shorty is like that. He means well; he's just not good at acknowledging feelings of any kind unless a shit joke is involved" Hange laughed quietly.
"Right. I won't ask then," Cynthia said, fighting off curiosity.
"You'll know sooner or later," Hange said, shrugging.
They started walking back to camp in relative silence before Hange spoke up again, her voice cutting through the shrill buzz of waking cicadas.
"You're not useless, you know," She said, seemingly out of the left field. Cynthia raised an eyebrow.
"Hm?"
"You said you were useless earlier. Because you thought you couldn't help Sophia. It's not true," Hange lamented like she had been thinking it over for some time, "We wouldn't have known what that engraving said without you."
"I suppose…" Cynthia mumbled, stilted.
"Look, I know if you didn't believe it before after defending yourself against bandits without help, you may not believe it now. But I wanted you to know that," Hange said hurriedly. It was important to her she got this out, Cynthia realised. "And, I'm sorry I got defensive earlier. About Moblit"
"It's okay. It was shitty of me to bring up," Cynthia said. She meant it.
"Okay. Good. I'm glad," Hange said. Cynthia suppressed a grin when she saw a slight flush across the commander's cheeks.
"Did you want to tell me about him?" Cynthia asked. Hange lit up again at the prospect.
"I'd be delighted to, but it's not a happy story" Hange whispered.
Cynthia retired to her room early that night, exhausted, hoping to fall asleep before the girls retired for the night as well. But sleep did not take her; a million things crowding her mind. Sophia, the bandits, the cave – it all swirled down a drain within her brain, moving too fast for her to process all at once but not disappearing either. She wanted to put her thought's to rest, to forget everything for just a second. Desired - needed - a distraction.
She groaned, pressing the palms of her hands to her eyes at the unfortunate realisation there was a low ache between her legs, begging for her attention. She had managed to ignore it until now, when she most desperate to think about anything else.
"Why of all days…" Cynthia whispered to herself. Sex was undoubtedly a coping mechanism she used in Marley, but here? It didn't seem like a good idea. She reminded herself that while she was alone, she could masturbate, but the concept felt unclean after the day's events. That's not stopped you these past months, Cynthia berated herself. The more she thought about it, the harder it was to resist.
Cynthia took a deep, regretfully breath and tentatively ran her hands over her body, freshly bathed and warm. She let her eye's drift shut and pictured it. Her naked back pressed up against a lover's chest, a thin film of sweat on their exposed skin. Uneven, hot breaths in her ear, soft lips clasping around her earlobe, teeth lightly pulling at the tender flesh. She pushed her fingers underneath the waistband of her pants, feeling the smoothness of her skin, imagining it was someone else's touch. She pictured herself grabbing onto her lover's thighs as their strong hands attended her, one exploring between her legs, the other grasping the soft flesh of her breast. They would run their fingers up her inner thigh and find the sensitive centre – then slowly draw circles against it, eliciting a sweet sigh for her lips in her fantasy as well as in the real as she touched herself. They would rain a combination of soft and harsh kisses against her neck, leaving bright red marks in the stead of their lips. She quickly became slick, heat spreading across her skin.
A torturous ache built within her, the wish for something more substantial, something rougher. She imagined her lover tenderly curl a finger within her, slow and deliberate, her chest flushing hot with desire. She thought herself to run her hands through their hair as they increased the speed, one finger becoming two, her own fingers following suit in the real. She grabbed her breast, mouth agape at the thought of another revelling her enjoyment as she eventually brought herself to orgasm. In those final seconds, when her throat felt tight and all that pent up lust was about to release, just for a flash, her lover was Hange.
"Fuck!" Cynthia muttered harshly, a mixture of exasperation and shame overcoming her, as did the shudders. She didn't dignify herself with the enjoyment of riding out her climax; she simply sat up, face buried in her hands. What the fuck is wrong with me? Whatever her infatuation was, it felt poisonous, slowly burning her from the inside out. She wanted to tear herself apart and dig it out – or have someone else do it for her. She fell asleep; her frustration only worsened.