Greetings, friends! I'm finally back with a new chapter. It took me a while to find the motivation to revisit this, but I'm here now, and I hope it was worth the wait.
FYI, this story goes AU after 5x04, so the events of 5x05 and beyond are not part of this story.
As Andy packed up her few belongings into her overnight bag, she thought back to that day, just one week ago, when she had stood on the Aurora Bridge, a half-empty bottle of tequila in her hand, and thought about jumping into the cold water below. She didn't really want to die, and when she told her therapist at the inpatient facility that, Andy was surprised when she responded: "Most people don't. They just don't want to live the life they have." At the time, Andy had scoffed. She didn't see the distinction, but over the last week, she had begun to understand what the therapist meant and had taken the first steps toward getting herself healthy enough to begin to rebuild the life that she wanted.
She could hardly believe it was only a week ago. She felt like she had lived a lifetime in those seven days.
Theo had parked his car as close to the bridge as he could, not caring whether it was a legal spot or not. He'd deal with a parking ticket later. Running at top speed, he relaxed only slightly when he caught sight of Andy. She was sitting on the railing, her legs dangling over the edge, staring blankly out across the water. The security fencing would prevent her from accidentally falling, but if she was determined, someone with her strength and agility could scale the fence within moments. As he got closer, she did not appear to notice him, so he slowed his stride, took a few deep breaths, and tried to remember what he had learned during the Crisis Prevention Training.
"Remain calm. Keep it simple. Pay attention to your body language," he thought to himself. He remembered the techniques, but now that he was called upon to use them to try to help a friend, he wished they had all taken the training a little more seriously.
As he approached Andy, she noticed the movement and turned her head to face him.
"Hey, Theo," she said evenly.
"Hey, Andy," he responded in kind, willing his voice to remain calm. "Why don't you come down from there and we can talk?"
Andy sat still and quiet long enough that Theo wondered if she had heard him, and he debated asking again, but just as he was about to repeat himself, she spoke.
"Ok," she said, her face showing little emotion. She thrust the tequila bottle toward him, and when he took it, she swung her legs back around and slid to the ground.
While he was tempted to put his arm around her and lead her off the bridge, he knew he should make it her choice.
"It's a little chilly up here," Theo began. "My car is parked not too far from here. Why don't we go talk there?"
Andy simply nodded and began to walk slowly off the bridge, Theo by her side. As they walked, Theo spotted a trashcan and dropped the liquor bottle into it. He glanced at Andy, wondering if she would react, but she didn't even seem to notice. When they made it back to his car, Andy sat in the passenger seat, staring blankly out the window.
"I'm going to make a few calls," Theo said gently, but if his words registered, Andy gave no response.
Theo's years as a Seattle First Responder had allowed him to become friendly with the local emergency room doctors and nurses. It only took a few calls before he had the name and number of a counselor at a behavioral health treatment center who was willing to complete an intake interview with Andy. From there, things moved quickly. They admitted Andy on a 72-hour hold, and Theo made a quick stop back at the station to get some clothes and a few toiletries from her locker. He took her car key and promised he would get her car back to the apartment she was sharing with Maya and Carina.
Andy stepped out the doors from the treatment center, scanning the cars in the circular driveway for her ride. Theo had been a godsend in all of this, calling every few days to see how she was doing. When he had found that she was going to be discharged, he volunteered to pick her up without her even having to ask.
Andy couldn't have been more shocked when instead of Theo's car, she saw another familiar car. Robert's SUV, with the owner leaning casually against it and looking at his phone. He smiled slightly when he saw her emerge and began walking toward her.
"Robert?" Andy asked. She was still reeling from the emotional turmoil of the last week and wasn't sure what the presence of her husband, or soon-to-be ex-husband, meant.
"I hope you don't mind," he began. "Theo told me and I convinced him to let me come in his place."
Rather than wait for an answer, he gestured toward her small overnight bag. "May I?" he asked.
"Thank you," Andy said quietly as he handed him the bag.
Ever the gentleman, Robert opened the door for Andy before placing her bag in the back seat and heading around to the driver's side.
"Where to?" he asked.
While he had so much he wanted to ask, and so much he wanted to say, Theo had been very protective of Andy, and had only agreed to let Robert pick her up after he agreed to "not do or say anything that might upset her." A man of his word, Robert was going to act as the chauffeur, and nothing more.
For Andy, it felt odd to have complete control over her next steps. After the 72-hour hold, she had been free to go, but she agreed with her therapist that it would be best if she stayed a little longer. The seven days she had spent at the treatment center had been very structured: from the wake-up time in the morning to "lights out" in the evening, she had a day filled with meals, therapy, exercise, and even scheduled recreation. Now she was free to go and do as she pleased.
"Back to Maya's for now," Andy said. "I'm going to start looking for my own place this week, though."
They drove in silence toward the apartment, but when they were only a few blocks away, Andy began to feel a little anxious. She wasn't sure she wanted to face Maya, but she also didn't feel like being alone in the apartment.
"Do you want to stop for coffee or something?" she asked hesitantly, as Robert made the turn onto her street.
"Yeah, sure. If that's what you want," Robert began.
Feeling a little unsure of herself, and the rules of this new phase of their relationship, Andy quickly began to backtrack. "It's ok if you don't want to, you can just drop me off."
"A cup of coffee would be great," Robert responded quickly, ending the debate.
Moments later they were sitting on a bench outside the shop, each sipping their coffee. The sky was overcast, but it wasn't raining, and they were each lost in their own thoughts.
"Robert, about the divorce papers," Andy began before Robert interrupted.
"Don't worry about those right now," Robert said. "We can talk about them another time."
While the divorce papers were always somewhere in his mind, it was only a week since Andy had seriously contemplated ending her life. He had waited over a year for Andy to speak to him, he could wait a little longer.
"That's the thing, Robert, I don't know when that time will be," Andy began. "This last week has been one of the hardest of my life, and the work is just beginning. I've got medication and lots of outpatient therapy appointments, but I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to feel okay again, and I'm not sure who I'm going to be when I come out on the other side of this."
Robert understood what Andy was trying to say because he felt the same way.
"Andy, I'm not the same person you married either. The last year has been tough for obvious reasons, but it's also been a learning process for me. I'm much more confident in my sobriety now, and I'm figuring out who I am and who I want to be, both personally and professionally," Robert explained.
Andy nodded. Over the week of therapy, she and her therapists had begun to unpack everything that had happened over the last few years. She was beginning to understand her trauma, but she also knew that she had to take responsibility for how badly she had hurt her husband.
Andy and Robert sat quietly side by side for a few minutes before Robert saw her brush away a tear.
"What is it, Andy?" Robert asked, as gently as he could.
"I know I have no right to ask this," Andy began, her voice quiet and vulnerable, "But please don't give up on me."
Robert wanted to wrap his arms around his estranged wife and pull her close to him, but he knew he shouldn't. He wasn't sure what the future held for them as individuals, or as a couple, and right now, Andy needed to focus on her mental health, not on their relationship.
Robert paused as he struggled to find the right words. He wanted Andy to know she had his support, but he didn't want to assume anything, or commit to a marriage he wasn't sure was salvageable.
Finally, he spoke. "Wherever we end up, six months or a year from now," he said, his voice thick with emotion, "I'll be in your corner as long as you want me to be there."
Andy looked at him, not sure whether to believe his words.
"Why? Why after everything I've done to hurt you, why are you willing to stick around?" Andy asked, still not sure what she had done to deserve this grace from the man she had treated so badly.
As much as Robert was tempted to say, "Because I love you," he couldn't. He knew he still loved her, and probably always would, but he wasn't sure that was enough. The last 12 months had driven a wedge between them that he wasn't sure they could get past. He knew the feeling was mutual, but it hadn't been enough to keep them from hurting one another. That, however, was a topic for another day. Right now, Andy needed reassurances and she needed to hear that this mess wasn't entirely her fault. He thought back to all of the conversations he had had in the past week.
Stations 19 and 23 had been fighting a fire at a local restaurant. The two crews had been busy, and it wasn't until they were gathering their gear and getting ready to return to their stations that it was clear to Robert that Andy wasn't among the Station 23 firefighters on call. As much as he wanted to pretend like he didn't care, he couldn't stop himself from calling out to Theo: "Hey Ruiz, where's Herrera?"
Theo paused. Only he and Captain Aquino knew the truth about Andy's whereabouts. The rest of the Station 23 firefighters had been told that Andy was taking some personal time to attend to a "family situation." The firefighters at 23 weren't particularly close, so no one knew enough about Andy's family that they would suspect anything out of the ordinary. To keep things simple, Theo hadn't even told Vic, and because they didn't see each other regularly, it hadn't become an issue, until now. With the mix of 19 and 23 firefighters around him, Theo had no choice but to continue with the lie.
"She took some personal days to help out her family," Theo said quickly, knowing that the odds of Robert letting it drop were slim.
"Her family?" Robert asked. "Is her mother back?"
"No, it's not that," Theo replied curtly, hoping Robert would take the hint.
"Tía Sandra? Tío Johnny? Michelle?" Robert asked. He had only met them a few times, but they were always warm and welcoming to him, and had become an important part of Andy's life. He hoped nothing was seriously wrong.
At this point, Theo began to notice that they had the attention of several other firefighters. Andy hadn't shared much about her family, but her relationship drama with Robert had been on full display. He wasn't going to share her private information with anyone within earshot. Realizing Robert wasn't likely to drop the topic, he did the best thing he could; he deflected the conversation.
"Not here, ok?" Theo said quietly, but firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument. "I'll stop by 19 tomorrow after shift. We can talk then."
The next morning, Theo showed up at 19, expecting to meet Robert, and perhaps Vic. He was surprised to see all of the A-shift firefighters waiting for him in the small courtyard at the front of the station. He was taken aback for a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation with everyone, but he also knew once one or two of them had news, it would quickly spread. There were no secrets among this group.
The team looked expectantly at him, and he quickly began speaking. He decided he would tell the truth, but keep it as simple as possible. If they wanted the details, they'd have to ask Andy.
"A few days ago, after we responded to the call with the burning van, I sensed something wasn't quite right with Andy. Before heading home from the station, I called her, and she told me she was on the Aurora Bridge."
He paused a moment as they all reacted to the news. They all knew what Aurora Bridge meant for someone who was experiencing a crisis. There were a few murmurs, but no one interrupted him.
"I went to get her. She had been drinking and wasn't doing great. I made some calls…" he trailed off, before speaking again. "She was admitted to Cascade Behavioral Health. She's been there for three days now, and plans to be there for a few more."
It only took a second for the group to all start talking at once, peppering both Theo and Robert with questions. Given all of the voices, it was easy for Theo to pretend he didn't hear, and all attention slowly turned to Robert. They wanted to know how this had happened, and it seemed, lay the blame squarely at his feet.
"You know," he told the assembled group, each in shock about what they had heard. "I'll own a piece of this. After my arrest last year Andy told me she was struggling. She said 'a stiff wind could blow her over' and maybe there are other signs I've missed, but other than a few calls we've been on together, and a few trips between stations, I haven't seen much of her. She came to me that morning and I turned her away, but she also made it clear she didn't want me in her life when she had me served with divorce papers. You are supposed to be her family. You were the group that Pruitt picked to be her family. You were here before I was. You've been letting her sleep on your sofas and in your guest rooms, how come none of us figured out how badly she was struggling? How did it get to this point?"
While Robert's voice was clear, anyone looking closely at his face could see the depth of his emotions. Anger, fear, and pain could each be seen in his eyes.
"She doesn't want to see any of us. She's made that much clear," Theo explained. "But once she gets out, she's going to need her friends. All of them." Theo looked at each of the firefighters assembled around him. During his time in the SFD and with Vic, he had heard so much about the "family" at 19. They may have missed the signs, but now it was time for them to step up and do the right thing.
After reflecting on all that had happened in the last week, Robert spoke: "When Theo told us what happened, I was furious. I was furious at the A shift for not seeing the signs, and to be honest, I was furious with myself. Even right after we got married, I was going through so much, I wasn't there the way I should have been to support you. My surgery and rehab, trying to stay sober, focusing on climbing the ladder, and then COVID, George Floyd, and my arrest. And then you came to me after that terrible accident and I turned you away," Robert explained.
"I deserved that," Andy interrupted briefly.
"Yeah, you kind of did," Robert admitted. While the words were true, his tone was light and teasing, and they both chuckled a bit before Robert continued.
"If something had happened to you, I never would have forgiven myself," Robert finished, a note of finality in his voice. They weren't going to resolve anything today, but he hoped that Andy would believe him when he said he wasn't going to abandon her.
They finished their coffees and returned to Robert's SUV, before proceeding to Maya's apartment. As they arrived, Andy attempted to dismiss Robert before he could get out of the car.
"Thanks so much for the ride, Robert," Andy said quickly as she opened the car door. When he reached to open his, she attempted to stop him. "There's no need for you to come up, I just have the one bag, and I'm sure you have other things to do with your day off."
Robert, however, was not going to be dissuaded. "I'll walk you up and then I'll go," he said as he opened his door and grabbed her overnight bag from the back seat.
They walked up to the apartment and entered in silence. As Robert walked with her bag to the guest bedroom, Andy stopped him. "Wait," she said.
Robert looked at her questioningly.
"It's quite a mess in there," Andy said, looking a bit embarrassed.
"It'll be ok, Andy" Robert replied, as he opened the door, remembering the drama that had unfolded after the conversation at the station with Theo.
Robert went back to his apartment, the place he and Andy had once shared. He slammed the front door as he entered, loud enough that the windows shook in their panes, and then banged his open palm against the closed door, which made a satisfying bang that rang through the house. His hand stung, but even in his rage, he congratulated himself for controlling his temper. After George Floyd's murder, he had taken his rage and frustration out on the oxygen bottles at the station, and his hand had been bruised and sore for a week. As he debated his next move, his phone rang. It was Maya, who began talking without preamble.
"When I got home, I opened the door to Andy's room. It was a mess. There were clothes all over the place," Maya began.
"Ok," Robert answered noncommittally. It was uncharacteristic for Andy to allow her space to get out of control, but she had clearly been struggling. He wasn't sure why Maya felt the need to tell him this.
"That's not all," Maya continued. "I found several empty liquor bottles, as well as a few that had been opened."
Maya paused. The last detail made her ache for her friend. "There were also several bottles of over-the-counter sleeping pills."
"Oh, God," Robert whispered, barely audibly. The day Theo went to get Andy from the bridge wasn't the first time Andy had thought about hurting herself. "Why hadn't anyone seen it?" he thought to himself. "Why hadn't I seen it?"
"Thanks for letting me know, Bishop," Robert said briefly. He was reeling from everything he had learned today and needed some time to think things through. He ended the call.
Heading up to their bedroom, he started searching…searching for clues that Andy had been struggling before she left him. He started with Andy's nightstand, which she had emptied, and he found nothing. However, in their medicine cabinet, just as at Maya's place, there was a bottle of sleep aids that he knew he hadn't purchased. Heading to the kitchen, he began to look in cabinets and drawers. Since he got sober, Andy had been very respectful of his decision to avoid all alcohol. She stopped drinking when they were out together, and if she was with friends and she had a drink, her first stop upon arriving home was always the bathroom to brush her teeth so he wouldn't smell the alcohol on her breath. He had told her that he didn't mind her drinking many times, but she insisted anyway.
So he was quite surprised to find a bottle of vodka, mostly empty, behind some rarely used glasses on a high shelf in a kitchen cabinet. She had been drinking at home, and obviously, she didn't want him to know about it. Andy was never much of a vodka drinker, but all kids who wanted to feel the buzz from alcohol but wanted to hide it from their parents knew that vodka was the best option. He couldn't believe he had missed it, and his self-absorption had almost led to the unthinkable.
Andy cringed as Robert opened the door to her room. It wasn't just the mess she was worried about, but the other reminders of the dark place she had been in just a week ago. She was embarrassed that Robert would see how far she had fallen from the strong, independent woman he had married.
"It'll be ok," Robert repeated.
Behind him, Andy's embarrassment quickly turned to amazement as she got a good look at her room. The trash, including the liquor bottles, was gone, there were fresh sheets on the bed, and there wasn't an item of dirty clothing in sight. There was, however, a laundry basket filled with folded clothes on the floor near her dresser. At the moment, she was overwhelmed by what her friends had done for her. She sank into the bed and looked around as if trying to get her bearings.
"How?" she asked simply.
"We messed up, Andy," Robert explained. "You were in trouble, and none of us saw it. Maya came in here after Theo told us what happened and cleaned up. It's the least we could do."
Robert watched as Andy looked around her room, a myriad of emotions crossing over her face, as she processed what had happened in her absence. She knew she should say something, but she couldn't figure out where to begin.
Robert, assuming correctly that she might want some space to process everything that had happened since the last time she left the apartment decided he would excuse himself: "I should go. I'm sure you want to unpack your things and maybe get some rest."
As he began to walk toward the bedroom door, Andy called out to him: "Robert, wait, just for a minute."
He paused at the door and turned to face Andy.
"I know I messed up our marriage badly, and if you never wanted to see me again, that would be completely understandable," Andy continued. "I'm not sure what tomorrow, will bring, but do you think we could try being friends again. Before we were partners, we managed to be pretty good friends."
"Friends," Robert repeated as if turning the word over in his head to see how it fit. "I think I could do that."
"And then maybe, if you're ok with me leaving the divorce papers in the envelope a little longer, we could find out if the new person you are, and the new person I am, like each other enough to see if maybe we could be something more?" Andy asked, feeling a little bit hopeful for the first time in almost a year.
"Yeah," Robert said with a small smile. "I think that could work."