Why would she take his pain into herself. There was a new hint of sadness in her eyes. And he did that. He ruined her. But isn't that what he does? Take something beautiful and destroy it. He sat at his desk with his head in his hands. Alexianna was right. Lily didn't love him. Not the way he desperately wanted, and it broke his heart. But he loved her with all the tiny pieces that were left.

"Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never could have worked with her."

Alexianna was at Severus' office early the next morning.

"I half expected you to not be here this early. What do you sleep in here or something?" she laughed

"No. My chambers are through that door behind me. It's not a long commute."

Instead of sitting in her usual spot, she dragged her chair around next to Severus.

"How are you? Did you sleep well?" She took his hands in hers

"I was wondering the same of you"

"Oh, don't worry about me." she smiled. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to let down your guard. And not for nothing, but I'll be almost as glad when you break out the coffee. I've gotten used to you having it ready for me"

Severus laughed.

"What was that sound? Was...was that a...a laugh? Out of my perpetually grumpy Severus?"

He handed her a cup of coffee

"Hey Sev? Do a lot of people stay in the castle over Christmas?"

"A handful of students. A few teachers. Not many. Why?"

"Well I guess at the moment I'm homeless." she chuckled "Harry offered his place to me since he'll be staying with the Weasley family. But I didn't want to impose. So I told Minerva I was going to stay here for Christmas."

"I always stay for Christmas as well. I have no family, so I don't mind staying to help with the few students who stay."

"Oh good. At least I won't be alone." she sighed "Christmas in New York is so beautiful. I'm going to miss the. city with all it's decorations and lights and fun events. I've never really been away for this long, so missing the New York Christmas experience makes it really real you know?"

"No. I've never been to New York. I have spent more Christmases at Hogwarts than not."

"Oh did you see we are chaparones for the next Hogsmeade trip? The first week of December?"

"I did see that. I also spoke with Minerva about resuming my night patrols. I have been feeling better, so you won't have to do them all"

"I don't mind. Really. I don't sleep much, so it gives me something to do. So you know, if you ever need me to cover...I can"

"Have you always had trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah. Since I was a kid"

"Why wouldn't you just take a potion? You are quite proficient"

"Is that a compliment? We're on a roll. Laughing and flattery in the same morning.. But yeah I mean I could, but not sure if you noticed but I'm not someone who can do something halfway. So if I take a sleeping draught, I would need to take it every night and then up the dose and yadda yadda. Plus I drink too much to have a sleeping potion too. I choose whiskey over sleep"

"We seem to have that in common"

"Yeah. But you know I could drink you under the table. I can go toe to toe with men twice my size." she winked "Oh I got another letter from Myron, asking me to another show. You don't mind if I go on Friday night do you?"

"Of course not"

"Oh. Ok. Thanks" she almost sounded disappointed

"It's almost time for class.."

She reached out and brushed a piece of hair out if his eyes, her hand lingering on his cheek. "We should go then" she said quietly

"Yes we should" he whispered. He was going to need to tread carefully. Severus was far too old and broken to get involved with someone like her. She deserved someone who could give her everything she ever needed. Perhaps even a musician. Thinking about Alexianna with another man made him feel...jealous. But this was his cross to bear.