Un orage de l'orgueil = A Storm of Pride
Late March, 844.
"Kuchel, pick up the pace before I make you run extra laps with no dinner!"
"Yes Commander Shadis!"
Just her luck, that Commander Shadis was heading training today. Two days had gone by since her and Erwin made up with that nice game of chess, but fuck, that whiskey had really throttled her.
And here she'd thought that alcohol wasn't supposed to have an effect on Ackermans, but apparently she'd been wrong. Perhaps she should have been keeping a log of things her blood did and didn't do, to make referencing easier in the future.
Her head stung with the remnants of a migraine, having had a jostling hangover the day before. It had been incredibly unpleasant, and what had frustrated her, was that she hadn't been able to remember much of the night before. Still couldn't, if she were being honest. There were a few faded fragments scattered about in her fractured mind of their chess game, of how she oh-so-stubbornly tossed back more liquor than she should have for her size, with Erwin supervising her through his own well-hidden intoxication.
I think… I think he won the game of chess because I wasn't paying attention… what time did I go back to my room, though?
Kuchel would never know– not if Shadis killed her with laps.
She picked up the pace, struggling through the searing pain behind her eyes that threatened to take over her head again. The sunlight wasn't helping, far too bright in her light-coloured eyes as she passed the starting line.
One more to go.
"Faster!"
"Yes Commander Shadis!"
Fuck, she hated that bastard.
Her feet pounded into the sandy dirt beneath her, ignoring the wobble in her ankle as she pushed herself to and beyond her limit. Running was something she abhorred more than anything, and she hadn't truly realised it until she came above ground to go after her son.
Levi had not been around for the past couple of days, either, and it made Kuchel worried sick. No longer did she care about her healing nose or the events that caused it– all she wanted was to comfort him, knowing that the deaths of Furlan and Isabel would have been hitting him even harder. Her baby was suffering alone, not allowing her to reach out to help him. All he wanted to do was run away from her. Perhaps the sight of her brought back a memory that upset him?
Or maybe he's upset about breaking my nose.
But… it was an accident…
Her heartbeat thudded deeply in her ears, resonating within her throat and reverberating throughout her chest. Each footfall sent a jolt travelling upwards into her aching knees, reminding her of her age, how perhaps being a Scout wasn't the best idea for a woman like her. Alas, she had never been one to go with the flow, and when Kuchel finished her lap, she thanked the heavens that it was over.
For now.
"Good, cadet. You're making progress on that endurance of yours."You're dismissed." Glancing up from his clipboard at her where she waited in front of him, he added, "By the way… go get ready for the burial today. We leave in two hours."
The 'yes sir' she gave him was much more solemn this time.
A funeral, a burial, with barely any bodies to truly show for it. After she took a shower to wash off the sweat of training, Kuchel dressed herself in the more formal Scouting Regiment uniform– her usual button up, a clean pair of white pants, her boots, and a dark green military coat that ended just below her knees. No straps suffocated her trim body, and she thanked the Walls for that. Those damn things were a pain in the ass, no matter how you looked at it.
I wonder if Levi needs help getting ready. Does he need a hair trim? Does he need help straightening his cravat?
Wearily, she looked at herself in the mirror, debating on whether or not to keep her hair down, or to pull it back into the clean bun that she opted for during training. After mulling it over, she began to put it up, looking at her reflection and examining every little thing. It was almost astonishing, how the stress she'd undergone had seemed to age her an eternity. Maybe to others, she looked just as young as she always had, but the silver hairs that butted themselves in had her seeming as though she'd aged five years in a few weeks.
Death was never a loyal friend to good looks.
I'm so old… I still don't quite understand what potential Erwin sees in me, or why they let me stay in the military to begin with. My first expedition was a complete disaster, and I was a coward who got grabbed and got their nose broken…
A knock at her door brought her back to reality, and the noirette placed her brush upon the vanity to open it. A part of her had expected, hoped that it would be her son, that darling boy whose face she missed kissing– but it was Hange, and as nice as it was to see her, she still wanted to be face-to-face with Levi.
"Hi baby, what did you need?" Kuchel inquired, giving Hange a lopsided smile. "Come to check and make sure that the old lady was getting ready for the funeral procession?"
Hange reached to run her fingers back through her bangs, a shy flush on her cheeks. "Well, that, but also because I have some news I thought you might like to hear."
Now, Kuchel had once been of the mindset that "no news is good news", but with Hange's tone, she could conclude that it was a joyous thing. "Sure, tell me honey! What is it?"
"I… well… I got promoted… to Section Leader." Hange's honeyed gaze finally met Kuchel's sheepishly, as though she were bashful about her own accomplishment. "I just got told by Commander Shadis…"
For a moment, all of Kuchel's worries slipped from her mind as she took Hange's hands in her own, giving the other woman's hands gentle, motherly kisses with a grin plastered on her face. "Hange, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you, that's wonderful. Do you get to have your own squad, then?"
"I do! I do, but before I choose a permanent squad, they want me to head a mini expedition." She explained as Kuchel let go of her hands. The shorter woman looked at her curiously, still unsure about how everything in the military worked.
"So like a special mission? Where are you going?"
A smirk pulled over Hange's expression, her hands going to her hips and allowing her to stand akimbo in the doorway. "I'll be leading a group of Scouts to Hermina District, where we're going to go out of the gates and try to see what's in the North. Supposedly, Titans are much less frequent up there, so we might be able to set up a base to have future expeditions."
An expedition north of the Walls? Even though she had been in the Scouts for such a short period of time, she knew from mulling over some of Erwin's books that one hadn't been attempted for quite some time.
As Hange continued to speak about the upcoming expedition, her first one as a squad leader, Kuchel couldn't help but remember what had happened on her first expedition. The younger woman's words faded, animated movements no longer registering as she was thrown back to her son's elbow colliding with her nose. She could still feel the blooming, radiating pain.
Needing a moment, she rose from her bed, stumbling over to the window, bracing a hand against the frame as she gasped for breath.
"Miss Kuchel? Are you okay?" Hange's worried voice trickled in, but barely so.
"What kind of mother is afraid of her own son?" It was meant for herself, but Hange was present for the words, and within seconds, the petite noirette was crushed in an embrace.
"Maybe you should come with me, Miss Kuchel."
The thought of going on another expedition should have been terrifying to any normal person, but Kuchel had never been a normal person– that much was evident to most. Her chin rested on the round of Hange's shoulder, a few tears rolling down her soft cheeks. Would time away from this base, from her son, be good for them? Would it allow her to take a step back, to reflect upon the events that had transpired within the last few weeks, hell, even the last handful of months?
I've never spent more than a few days away from him, aside from my coma. How can I bear to be apart from my baby, my one and only? Even if he hates me… what if something happens to him while I'm gone?
Before she could even consider Hange's words any further, the door across the hall slammed open, revealing the angered visage of none other than the young man that took over her every waking thought. The wood smacking against the stone wall made both women jump, and he didn't hesitate to stride over and pry Hange away from her. Apparently he knew of the funeral procession as well, and was already adorned in the proper attire.
"She's not going anywhere with you, Four-Eyes." He snarled. "She isn't going on that expedition."
Kuchel swore that she couldn't get a word in edgewise, with Hange turning her back to her and standing between the mother and son duo.
"You don't control her, and you don't fucking control me! Don't talk to us that way, midget!"
Kuchel watched the almost imperceptible way that Levi's jaw tensed, the way he gritted his teeth that nearly made her wince. His fists were balled at his sides, knuckles white as he scanned her face with his vexation-darkened eyes– for a moment, his gaze lingered upon her healing nose, and she wondered if that look of disgust was with himself, instead of with her.
"I will not let you take her on another expedition that could get her killed like Isabel and Furlan were, Hange. She is all I have left, and you know that. You're not taking her with you."
A trick of her mind or reality, she had no clue, but she could have sworn she heard his voice waver as he said she's all I have left. And out of the corner of her eye, Kuchel could see how, ever so slightly, Hange's expression softened, as if she could read Levi's plight. "I'm sorry, Levi, I am. But it's not your choice. If she wants to go, I'm not going to stop her. If I were in your position, I would probably say the same thing to my mom, but even still, it's not up to us."
She leaned back against the vanity as Levi's gaze briefly flickered to her, and she thought she caught worry and hurt laced in the flecks of blue that swam within his grey-toned irises. Another trick of her imagination? But when he spoke, he spoke without facing her. "All I ask is that you don't do something stupid."
It was the first time that she and Levi had truly spoken in weeks, since the day of the expedition beyond the walls, and this was the conversation? Whether or not she would potentially go on a dangerous mission to the North?
Pushing back off the vanity top, the dark-haired woman stood up straight, straightening the collar of her long, green coat. "Levi, I'm going on the expedition. It's alright. You and I need time apart."
Kuchel didn't allow her son to defy her, to criticise her choices– she simply exited the room, not caring that she left Hange and Levi in her quarters. For once, she made a decision to do something for herself that she believed in her heart was for her and her alone.
If only she understood the festering, potentially malignant seed germinating in her heart– one that pulled the wool over her eyes to the truth.
Was this to do good, or to prove herself worthy?
…
A few hours later
The sun shone warmly upon Kuchel's slim shoulders as they stood in formation upon the dirt road, which had been carved between the two sides of the military cemetery over years of wear and tear, whether by wagon wheels, hooves, or feet. The breeze was gentle, and caressed her supple cheeks as it shook the leaves of the trees nearby. However, she couldn't focus on the simple things that nature offered as a cherishable spectacle, for the stinging of tears in her soft eyes were threatening to spill over.
The Scouts listened to Shadis call the names, listing off the dead one by one, and though she knew what was coming, no strength could have stopped her from sobbing at the familiar names.
"Isabel Magnolia."
Kuchel could still remember the day she'd met the girl, how she'd comforted her in the bathtub and assured her that she would take care of her, silently vowing that she'd never let this young girl feel as alone as she did at that age.
Kuchel would never get to feel the way Isabel hugged her again, nor hear the way she'd chortle at the dry jokes Levi made– ones that only his inner circle would realise were jokes.
She'd had everything to live for, but lost it all.
"Furlan Church."
The ebony-haired woman recalled how Furlan had charmed her with his poise and manners, worming his way into her heart and home with his true kindness and level-headed attitude, truly keeping her son in check in the best way.
He had always been so helpful, a wonderful addition to their Underground family, that Isabel had helped to grow.
His whole future had been ahead of him, and it had been taken in an instant.
Kuchel didn't even realise that she'd migrated to their graves, her knees weak and hands shakily gripping the bouquets that she'd bought for them. Their names were freshly carved into those headstones, reminding her once again that she had one sitting somewhere, one that had been made the day she enlisted, with her death likely seeming imminent to most.
With her age and experience, she didn't blame anyone for thinking that way, for assuming she'd have been the first to die outside the walls.
But no. She had lived.
They were gone. Gone forever, washed away like tears in pelting rain.
Kuchel's own tears trickled down, dropping off her jaw and dribbling off the petals of the hazy blue forget-me-nots she'd picked out for Isabel, contrasting with the vibrant yellow of the daffodil bundle for Furlan. She'd been told the meanings of the flowers, and thought they'd do well for her lost angels.
As she got onto her knees, the woman placed the bundles at the base of their respective headstones, sobs shaking her poor body without her even realising at first. "I-It's so sunny today, you two. You'd have loved it… Mama hopes your heaven is always bright and warm. I love you… so much."
The crying made her nose hurt, but she didn't care. What she wouldn't give to have them back– hell, to at least give them kisses and hugs goodbye. The last time she'd seen them, they'd been dead and gone, blood and guts in heaps with their eyes open, empty, staring at the sky above as though in a trance.
After all, no trance could be more powerful than death.
If she hadn't already been seated on her knees, her emotions would have sent her kneeling, quaking and trembling before their graves, for she knew as her tears wet the soil, sopping the grass with saline sadness and sorrow, that their bodies weren't even there– they were still beyond Wall Maria, in the territory of the Titans, rotting away until they were nothing but bones. Even then, wolves had probably picked apart the ossuary tissue, anyway.
The wind began to shake the leaves on the trees once more, whistling and whipping around the stay hairs that she couldn't wrangle into her bun. The tears made the flyaways stick to her cheekbones, and as her trembling hand came to guide the hairs away, Kuchel felt a hand come to rest upon her shoulder, for the briefest pause.
When she lifted her gaze and shot a look over her shoulder, she saw none other than her son– well, his back, anyway. He was already walking away from her, and for a moment, she wondered if she had dreamt up the touch, if she had manifested a tender brush of her son's loving hand.
Gathering herself up off the ground, she tried to regain her composure, looking down at the slabs of etched stone. How long until she was laid beside them? What if her body got stranded outside the Walls, too, and her son had nothing but a tombstone to cry to?
"Miss Kuchel?"
A sigh escaped her, a tremulous one at that, and she once again turned her gaze back over her shoulder. There stood Erwin, of course, who else would it have been besides maybe Hange? "Hello, Section Leader."
"Hi… are you okay? Is there something I could do for you?" The baritone vibrato of his voice rang through her bones, even in the most careful whisper over the caressing breeze. It was a nice contrast to the staccato of the horse hooves that she could hear behind them, carrying soldiers back to the base. Apparently she'd been crying for so long that it was already time to head back.
Her expression became hardened, painted with her best impression of indifference, not wanting to come across as more vulnerable than she already had with this man. He had beaten her in a fight, gotten her to play chess, saved her from Flagon's wrath, and kissed her. She'd never been open with anyone really but her son, or maybe Kenny, but they were different. Erwin was a man… and men were all the same…
Right?
Turning away from the graves to face him, Kuchel hugged herself, rubbing her elbows with her thumbs. "There's nothing you could do, Section Leader… the only thing that would help me is to have them back, but that's out of anyone's hands now…"
He didn't seem to know what to say to her, only setting a hesitant hand upon her shoulder. The weight was comforting, but would she ever admit it aloud? Hell no.
"I'm sorry they're gone, Kuchel." He murmured, his tone almost forlorn in nature. "They were wonderful kids."
The blonde man had been wonderful at comforting her before, but now his words pierced her heart, as though a bushel of thorns had grown around it and squeezed it until she couldn't breathe. It made her gasp outwardly, clasping her hand over her mouth as a sob threatened to shake her to the core again. It made him gently grasp her shoulder, and it was at that moment that Kuchel realised she had almost let her knees buckle beneath her. "Kuchel, Kuchel, let's get you back to Ranya and to the base, okay? Do you need help walking?"
"N-No. No, I'm okay." She whimpered, taking a few steps past him. However, when she turned back to take another look at the flower-decorated graves, another one caught her eye, making her go as far as to wipe the tears that brimmed her eyes in order to read the letters.
Flagon Turret.
Her stomach clenched, her mind fervently spinning again. Dead? That bastard was dead? She knew she hadn't seen him on the way back, but she'd figured he'd been injured and put into a cart, taken to the infirmary– not eaten by a Titan.
"Kuchel?" Erwin's voice rang through her again, but this time, her words were a bit more steady, a touch more terse.
"He got eaten alive... He was a horrible son of a bitch, but no one deserves to die like that." The woman noticed a daisy growing between a few nearby graves, and knelt to pluck it up with her nimble fingers before setting it atop the dingy grey stone, a somber look on her face. "Section Leader Turret... rest easy, even if you were a judgemental fool."
That was the last she wanted to stand around the graves, and Kuchel trudged back to her horse, Erwin in tow.
Kuchel knew she'd be back, but when, she didn't have any way of knowing. She could only hope that the souls of her lost Furlan and Isabel watched over her, and more importantly, Levi.
They were all going to need the guidance.
…
Early April, 844
Despite it being the beginning of the spring, the air was crisp when his mother left with Hange's squad, as well as a few supply carts, on the voyage to Hermina.
It pained Levi, watching from the Scouting Regiment base's gate as their figures grew smaller and smaller, but despite Kuchel having given the air that she was terrified of him– she'd said so herself– she of course had not failed to give him a tender kiss goodbye on his forehead.
When their group was no longer visible over the northbound horizon, Levi turned back to the base, to see none other than Erwin, in all his Section Leader grandeur, leaning against the brim of the well in the commons, not terribly far from where he stood. It was as though he was waiting for him… was he?
The dark-haired young man strode over, eyes half-lidded and filled with ardent apathy. "If you keep staring, your eyes will stick like that. That's what Mama always told me, and maybe you'd be wise to heed that advice."
He seemed amused at Levi's words, which only served to deepen the hard-rooted frown on the noiret's face. "My apologies, Levi. I was just observing Hange's squad leaving, is all. You seem rather off-kilter. Is it nerves?"
"Why the hell would I be nervous?" Levi scoffed, brushing past his superior in order to make his way to the mess hall. It was still a normal day, after all, and that meant that he would be able to train his worries away, imagine that he was slicing up the napes of any Titans that dare come near his mother in the North. His stomach was growling incessantly, so he needed to get something in his belly before going berserk on dummies and blowing through canisters of gas as practise.
Erwin ended up leaving him alone for the time being, in order to eat and collect his thoughts, but fuck, it didn't do him much good. Levi would never admit it to a soul, but he was aching, a pit growing in his belly that needed something to come together again. Was it his friends that had been so brutally killed? Was it the love and forgiveness of his mother?
Perhaps it was both.
It picked at him, gnawed at him no matter what he did. Levi tried to occupy himself around the base for the next few days, but Walls, he had barely spent more than a day alone in his entire life, so now what was he supposed to do with no one around?
Before they had left on this northbound trip, he'd had Hange pestering him every day, which… well, he could admit to himself that it was nice to have her around for some company, especially with his mother so terrified of him and his two friends gone from the world.
Hange had dragged him around the base a few times in those few weeks, trying to get him to aid in her Titan research, which didn't consist of much when she didn't have an actual Titan to study.
And, of course, after coming back from the funeral procession, he'd backed Hange into a corner.
"So help me Walls, Four-Eyes, my mother shouldn't be going on a fucking expedition right now! Why did you go to her room and convince her to do that?" He growled, stalking closer and closer to her, as though he were the wolf and she the meek bunny rabbit. Except, of course, she was fucking taller, so it wasn't as intimidating as he would have hoped.
Hange straightened her shoulders, poking him roughly in the chest. "Tone it down, Shorty! She wanted to go, and you can't tell her she can't."
While it was a fair point, the thought terrified Levi to the core. The last expedition had done in his nerves as it was, but her going without him made him feel all the worse.
Lowering his hackles, the inky-haired man took a step back, crossing his arms over his chest, index finger tapping to the erratic rhythm of his vexed pulse. "... Fine, you're right. She's a grown-ass woman, so she can make her own decisions. But, promise me one thing, Hange."
His voice was mellowly muted for a moment, sincere as he stared up at her. The brunette was inclined, as always, to listen intently, and didn't waver when he breathed out his request.
"I need you to watch her for me, make sure that she's safe. That's all I ask. Bring my mother back alive."
A sigh of what appeared to be relief emitted from Hange's rosy lips, and he found himself lingering for a moment upon them before meeting her gaze once more. "Sure thing, Levi. You can count on me– always."
Always.
That word had rung in his mind since she'd said it to him, and most prominently when he had to watch her ride away with his dear, sweet mother, though he'd missed the way Hange had glanced over her shoulder at him." How could he stand to stay behind when his mother was going into Titan territory? What if one gobbled her up in its stinky, gaping maw, and he never saw her sweet face again?
And their last words had been words of anger. What if she died with those words in her mind, the last reminder she had of him as death snatched her in its clutches?"
It was something he'd rather not have thought about at the moment, and as he brushed his teeth, he glared at himself in the mirror. His steely eyes traced over the look of his carbon-curtained hair, and Levi silently noted to himself that he should cut his hair before Mama returned, so that she wouldn't fuss about doing it herself.
How long ago did they leave?
He spat out the toothpaste, replaying the time in his mind.
Two days ago, about. Maybe a bit more than that.
Before they departed, he'd recalled Hange explaining that the voyage was roughly ten to twelve days, depending on the speed at which they rode, as well as the weather. Given that it was early April, and the horses were well-watered, fed, and rested before the journey, he wouldn't have been surprised if they made it in the minimum amount of time.
Having been Underground for so long, it truly baffled him that the Walls were so huge. With a radius of 480 kilometres from the centre of Mitras to Wall Maria, it made quick, efficient travelling nearly impossible. The Northern Expedition team had to travel roughly 800 kilometres to Hermina, and then beyond the wall as well. Fuck, no wonder the Scouts rarely travelled up there.
He'd also heard that the weather was anything but pleasant. This time of the year, it was beginning to warm up, but the North was known for bitter temperatures, and the squad had brought coats in the wagon, just to be safe. Would his mother get cold up there? Was one coat enough to keep her toasty?
Oh for fuck's sake, I'm starting to sound like I'm her dad.
Eventually, he got dressed in his pyjamas again, though as of late, he was having a hard time sleeping. Levi was used to Furlan being in the bed nearby, but the other cot remained empty and cold, collecting dust and serving as a metaphorical shelf for his inner turmoil. Sleep evaded him for a good, long while, but eventually it overtook him, making his eyes heavy and pulling him into a dim scene, one he was familiar with. Perhaps it would be a kind dream, one that would soothe his aching soul.
The roaring fire was always cozy, even in the dingy, dark room they shared in the Pink Pearl. He was snugger than a bug in a rug, curled up in his mother's lap as the cavern's rare winds whistled past their shutters. The damn things could never keep in enough heat, or keep out enough cold. Winds weren't common, but sometimes it came through the tunnels that led to the surface, or so he had been told, and the narrowness of the passages made it strong enough to rattle windows.
The six-year-old was content in his designated spot, his little butt planted right in the basin that his mother's crossed legs made just for him. At his size, his head blocked her view of the book a bit, so she had to gently rest her chin upon his shoulder, their cheeks warmly pressed together. Mama always smelled nice to him, like the most comforting thing he'd ever known. She took time to bathe off the work of the day before returning to the room, and paid a pretty Maria for soap. What was in it? Was it mint, or eucalyptus? Perhaps a dash of rosemary, or a pinch of sage? Whatever it could be, it made cuddles all the more delightful.
Her words lulled him into a world of the utmost comfort, one where nothing else mattered besides them and the words in the book. Levi could make out some words now, having been taught some letters and how to write his name, but not everything was legible quite yet. As he listened to her butter-smooth voice read the words, he inhaled deeply, drinking in the scent of the potato soup that she had simmering upon the spit, hanging in the flames by a heavy, iron hook.
"And so the valiant knight happened upon a castle, in which his friend was trapped. He had been taken hostage by a wicked witch, who wanted to make him drink a love potion, to entrap him there forever, oh no!" His dark-haired mother pressed a ginger peck to his round cheek, and as she began to read again, Levi noticed that the pot had suddenly begun to boil over.
'Oh no, the fire must be too hot! And those potatoes were expensive, we can't let the fire burn up the soup!'
In his flurry to save it, the oblivious boy jolted up, knocking the crown of his head into his mother's face. She was quick to drop the book, yelping in pain like a kicked alleyway puppy. "L-Levi!"
It stopped him in his tracks, his bare feet already planted on the hard, creaky boards of the floor. Levi spun back around to look at her, realising now what he had done. There was his poor mother, cupping her face with both hands as blood seeped between her pale fingers. The young boy wasted no time in grabbing her a rag, scrambling back onto the bed and trying to help stop the flow of blood.
She looked dizzy, in a lot of pain, even. He'd hurt her, how could he have done such a thing?
"M-Mommy, I'm sorry! I saw the soup boiling over and w-wanted to make sure it didn't spill everywhere! I didn't mean to hurt you, Mommy." Blue-grey eyes brimmed with tears, he didn't care that her blood was soaking through the rag and brushing upon his pallid palm.
Through the pained tears, she looked at him, and he could tell that there was all of the love there that there had always been. Not a shred of it was lost, even in her moment of agony. "It's o-okay, baby, you were just trying to help. Can you get Mommy another rag? It's just a bloody nose."
Once the blood stopped, she washed up with some water in their bucket, and drew him into a loving hug. No matter what, he would have never hurt her on purpose, and they both knew that well. It was wonderful, to know that even after accidentally hurting his mother, she would still love him, that she would still want to hug him and give him all of the kisses in the world.
That would never change.
Levi awoke in a cold sweat, scrambling to check the pocket watch that Furlan had left behind in his drawer. Fuck, it had only been a few hours, but his dream had only made his heart stutter and fumble. Most would have seen it as a comforting memory of sorts, seeing a time where they were young and without a care in the world, only enveloped in their mother's cherishing embrace. But for him, it was different.
His mother was currently off on what he felt to be a suicide mission, and the fear of her dying was eating away at him like a bitter, acrid acid. Levi grasped the blanket on the bed, dabbing at the clammy sweat that beaded upon his raven hairline, only to sense more pearling up in its place.
What if she dies? What if she goes out, beyond the Walls, and she dies thinking that I hated her? Thinking that I meant to hit her, that I never wanted to speak to her again?
That I didn't love her?
Levi couldn't stand the thought, couldn't bear the image that came to his mind of them bringing her body back in a fucking cart, like she was some piece of cargo, wrapped in whatever burlap-esque fabric they had on hand that would soak with her burgundy blood. He could almost smell the iron-laced sanguine baking in the sun, staining the wood basin of the cart as it came past the gate. And the citizens alongside the road would have the audacity to sneer, to curse the name of the Scouts that she'd died for.
His mother.
The only constant in his life.
It had Levi packing his bag in a flurry, not caring if he was charged with insubordination or desertion upon his return– he was going after them, and nothing could change his mind.
As he saddled up Alexander in the quiet stables, the door opened, creaking and whining on rusty hinges as a figure stood in the frame, backlit by the moonlight.
"Levi?"
A sigh tumbled from his lips, and he continued to tighten the saddle. "What, Brows? How the hell did you know I was in here?"
"You're worried about her, aren't you?"
When the noiret refused to answer, Erwin came over to him and grabbed the reins from Levi's hand. "Levi, it's alright." He paused. "I'm worried about her, too."
The shorter man scoffed, snatching back the reins before leading the stallion out of the stables. "Why are you worried about her? Besides, how did you even know I was out here?"
The crickets orchestrated the wee morning hours. It would be only a few hours until the other cadets began their day of training and piddling around the base, and Levi wanted to leave as soon as possible. Only a big, bulky blond was in his way.
Erwin stood by the doorway, resting a weary hand upon the doorjamb. "She's my friend, alright? And… I was awake. I couldn't sleep, and saw you sneak into here while walking past my window."
A few moments of silence passed, with Levi's darkened eyes examining the man's face. There was something else he wanted to say, he knew it.
"I'm coming with you."
Before Levi could protest, Erwin had already jogged back into the stables, prepping his horse for a long ride, and with a quick trip to his office for some documents and a satchel, Erwin led out his own stallion. With furrowed, inky brows, Levi sat upon Alexander's back, looking down at the Section Leader as he adjusted his white horse's saddle. "Why are you coming with me? I can go alone, asshole."
"You're very eager to talk back to someone who can get you past the gates. Plus, if you go alone, Shadis will send the MP's after you. With me, you'll have clearance, as well as authorised accompaniment. Remember, you're a cadet, not an ordinary citizen."
With a roll of his eyes, Levi clutched the reins and clicked his tongue, signalling to Alexander to get moving. He and Erwin didn't talk for a long, long while, but it was when they passed the gates into Ermich District that one of them broke the silence.
"How long will it take us to get to Hermina District?"
It was Levi, of course. While he knew the layout of the three Walls, he had no clue just how far away everything was. Yes, it had taken about four days to get from Mitras to the Scout Base, but he also was well aware that the three walls had different sizes that could change the estimated time of arrival. Even knowing the approximate amount of kilometres told him nothing about how long it would take.
"Well, at our pace, about ten days."
You have got to be shitting me. I forgot it took that long!
"Fuck, these Walls are too big! We're three days behind them, Erwin, we need to get moving!" He nearly snapped the reins to send Alexander into a gallop, but his superior snapped at his impatience.
"Levi, if you rush, you won't catch up, and you'll kill your poor horse. Just keep on course, and we'll get there as soon as we can. Just listen, alright? I know you're nervous, but you can't be acting rashly."
Erwin was right, and it set Levi into a stubborn silence, the only sound between them the clopping of horses and the occasional throat-clearing.
Over the span of a week, they only stopped to sleep, grab food in towns along the way, and let the horses eat and rest as well. It was brutal, and Levi swore that he couldn't sleep with all of that anxiety running rampant through his hot blood. Though, having Erwin around made it somewhat easier on his poor soul– he was grateful for the man's companionship, and shared concern over his mother.
For most, a trip like this would have been excruciatingly, painfully boring, but with the worst things running through his overly-worried mind, he only wished for it to all be over, to see his mother again. Levi swore that when he saw her again, that he would crush her in his arms with a hug, that he would spill to her every sweet word in his heart, that he would apologise for being a horrible son.
She deserved so much better than him.
Mama deserves a son who listens to her, who doesn't break her nose. One who doesn't kill men in brothels, one who didn't steal money on the streets of the Underground… one who didn't get himself and his friends stuck in a contract that got them both killed.
I bet she wishes that Isabel and Furlan were her real children… not me. Who would want someone like me? It's just like I thought. I could never be her raven-haired angel.
A beacon of hope shimmered in the distance during the night, and Erwin pointed ahead of them. "Look there, that looks like one of our wagons. It might be Hange's squad on their way back."
Those words had Levi whipping the reins that he'd had clutched tightly in his hands, and when he reached the group that led themselves by a lantern through the darkness of the night, he felt relief wash over him for a moment when he saw familiar faces. Nanaba, Miche, and even Moblit were present, and he let out a sigh of relief, not noticing the dour looks on their faces. "Oi, it's good to see you guys."
"Levi? Erwin?" Miche had been leading the group back, and it was that moment when the young man realised just how worn out the man looked, his lightly verdant eyes dark with exhaustion as he sat upon his horse. "What are you two doing here? We were coming back to base for you."
The tone in Miche's voice had Levi on edge, his heart picking up the pitter-pattering pace. Where was Hange? Where was his mother?
"W-Where are they? Are my mother and Hange sleeping in the wagon? Did they go ahead of you?"
Don't be stupid, Levi. If they had gone ahead, you'd have already seen them.
Nanaba came up by Miche's side, her lips turned downward in a pensive frown. "Well… Levi, you see…"
The words rang in his ears as he listened, learning from the group that Hange had stayed behind in Hermina with his mother after the mission, and that they were going to return to the Scout Regiment Headquarters with the news.
The news that his mother was in the military hospital.
There was no time to ruminate, no time to ponder the possibilities, every second feeling as though it could be the last chance he had, and that he was wasting his time waiting around.
He pushed his stallion to his limits, needing to get there as fast as he could. Things ran through his mind at what the passing squad told him, the brief explanation of her condition, and it fettered through him like a bad case of the chills. Good thing Alexander could keep up the pace.
Where would he be without his loyal horse?
Erwin struggled to keep up with him, even on such a majestic, white stallion, but they both made it to the medical facility in a few days. Supposedly, the group had started on their way back the moment they dropped off Hange and Kuchel, which had been three days prior, give or take a few hours. Their expedition had been cut drastically short due to what they dubbed merely as the incident.
When they arrived, the obsidian-haired man wasted no time in tying up Alexander before rushing inside. It was early morning, and fuck, Hermina District was as cold as he'd heard about. If there wasn't a roaring fire in his mother's room, he would have someone's head.
He almost burned the soles of his shoes trying to skid to a halt, coming face to face with a dark-haired woman, her face soft and cheekbones high, set under her vibrantly green eyes. If he hadn't been so inwardly frantic, he'd have appreciated her glowing smile. "Hello sir, my name is Nurse Meyer, how can I help you? Are you looking for someone?"
Out of breath, he tried to take a moment, but Erwin spoke up for him in his always-authoritative yet oh-so-calm tone. "Yes, Miss Meyer, we're looking for a Cadet Kuchel, perhaps being overseen by Section Leader Hange?"
"Ah, those two! Yes, Miss Kuchel is sleeping in the last room on the right-"
The poor woman didn't even get to finish– Levi was gone in a flash.
He thrusted open the door to the room in a hurry, the one the nurse said his mother was in, and he prayed they all lied, that she was just sleepy and had some abrasions, that she bumped her head and that was it.
But the sight before him nearly brought him to his knees.
Mama, what happened to you?
Ah, shit, that took two weeks-ish to get out, eh? And just to leave you on a cliffhanger! I wonder what happened to Kuchel? Guess y'all will have to wait until I find the time to get back to this! It might be about a month before the next chapter, because finals and my senior seminars are going to royally whup my ass. Apologies. Thank you all for getting this story the views and such that it has! It makes me so happy, I am beyond thrilled that people are enjoying this story.
Thank you as per usual to the lovely StarlitScarlet for proofreading, and for those of you with keen eyes, you may have recognised a cameo of Emily Meyer from IdleArtist's "Devotion"! Please, go give these darling authors some love, they really deserve it.
Just a reminder that I'm also on Twitter Arti_Res and Arti_Res_Crack. Come interact with me, I'm lonely! Haha
Song Award this chapter goes to "Leaving Caladan" by Hans Zimmer. I saw Dune a few days ago, and even picked up the book. Incredible stuff, highly recommend it! I'd also like to shout-out "Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land" by Marina, phew, what a Kuchel song there.