(Flashback part 2)

Reid sat at his desk on his last few files. It was an hour before lunch and so far no case had come through JJ. Emily has about 13 files left which would take Reid about an hour but would take her probably the rest of the day.

He glanced around the bullpen. He could see JJ through the open blinds on her window, she was talking to someone on the phone. Please be Henry or Will not be a case.

Hotch was shut up in his office working through the paperwork he'd probably been working on since 6 am. When he finished the rest of his files he'd ask Hotch if he needed help. He liked being able to help. It made him feel needed, a necessity even if it was only momentarily.

Rossi was hopefully doing his own paperwork. The Italian liked to do his own thing sometimes and you never really knew what was happening with him.

Reid got up to refill his cup of coffee, meeting Garcia at the coffee machine.

"Hey, Boy Genius! Guess what it's mine and Kevin's 3rd anniversary tonight. He's taking me to that new Spanish restaurant. I think it's called La Casa De Amor!"

"That's really cool, I've heard it has good food and music."

She nodded her head. "Yeah, it's going to be perfect. I've been waiting to go there so that we can go there together for the first time."

She bopped him on the nose. "And what will you be doing my Junior G-man over this long weekend?"

He hesitated. He had no clue what he would be doing. What would he say contemplate my will to live? No, he couldn't say anything to throw suspicion on him and take away her joy. "I might visit my mom, depending on what her doctors say, there's also a new documentary on zoo animals and how captivity affects them. I watched the first episode on Zebras did you know that the longer a zebra is in captivity the more-"

"Sorry, Boy Wonder, but I just really don't care." She flinched back to her cheerful leaving behind a dark gloomy mind that nearly kept it's Body alive.

Strike 1

No one really cares.

''I just really don't care."

Why would you matter? You're just a worthless piece of shit. Who even gave you the right to live. What did you do to deserve life? You're worthless.

Worthless…

Why couldn't he be normal? Like Morgan or Hotch or anyone on the team really. Instead he was just a brain. He didn't deserve to live, to be loved. He deserved nothing. Worthless.

He walked back to his desk, his mask firmly back in place. It didn't show any emotion, he couldn't count on himself to fake a smile at the moment. He didn't think he had shown his true emotions in years to anyone but himself. Not to Gideon. Not to his mother. Not even to Ethan. No one cared, people had proved it time and time again. He had thought that with his team they would care. They didn't.

Worthless.

They hadn't seen, hadn't cared. He told his mom he didn't feel happy at 15. Told Ethan he wasn't ok. By the time Gideon came around it was, I'm fine. I'm doing fine. I've been doing fine. Expert profiler, fuck no. A master profiler who couldn't see he was not fine, doing fine, had never been fine. He was an utter fool. His whole team was, it hurt him to say it. But what if they're not fools, what if they just don't care about a piece of crap like him.

Only one person had cared. Angelina, she'd been a Godsend in the beginning.

1995

"Oof, I'm sorry." A blonde girl said after bumping into Spencer as he was walking. He helped her pick up the box she dropped after tripping into him. He looked at her, along with her blonde hair she had moss green eyes, an average height, and was thin bordering on underweight. "I'm probably the clumsiest person you'll ever meet in your life." His new next door neighbor said as a way of a greeting.

"It's fine, besides I think I could give you a run for your money. Nice to meet you. I'm Spencer." He held out his hand.

"Angelina. I'm 16. I'm in my second year of college. Does that freak you out? I really want to be your friend," she said shaking his hand

"I'm sure it would freak some people out but when you're 14 and you're also in your second year of college you can't really say anything."

She looked so excited. "Really! That's amazing! I go to Caltech. What about you?"

"Same. How have we never met each other before!" He was overjoyed to have a friend, things might just be turning around.

She suddenly looked alarmed. "You have blood on your sleeve, I didn't hurt you when I bumped into you, did I?"

He looked down startled. Shit. "Oh, no. I'm fine."

"Let me see, I have a bandaid somewhere in my bag." She rummaged around in a leather messenger bag. "Aha! Here they are!"

"No, truly I'm fine!"

"Why don't you want me to help you?"

"I don't want you to not be my friend because of what you see." He mumbled under his breath.

Apparently she heard. A look of understanding crossed her face. "How long?"

"A bit over a year," He softly whispered his eyes counting the cracks in the pavement.

" 2 years 139 days for me."

"You-"

"Yeah." She rolled up her sleeves showing thick and thin straight scars up the whole forearm.

After that day they practically became one person. Helping each other stop their self destructive tendencies.

1997

Spencer ran to her dorm room. Knocking frantically. No answer. He unlocked the door stepping through the doorway. "Angelina! Where are you? I know you're in here. I tracked your phone!"

He heard the shower running. She never showered until after dinner. Never before lunch. "Angelina!" He knocked on the door. No answer. "Angelina!" He was getting worried. "Angelina! You better be ok!" He opened the door. "No. No, no, no! You were supposed to be ok! We both got into the class for future medicines and cures! Our dream. Please come back to me. I need you." His tears dripped on the cold bloody body of his best friends.

"How can I live without you? I was barely holding on, but I did it for you!" He sobbed as he dialed 911. As he held her body as the paramedics pried her from his arms. As he sat through the funeral. As he went through her room boxing everything up. Still crying when he found the letter.

Spencer,

I'm sorry. I couldn't do it anymore. I never told you why I started, cutting that is. I was 13. My dad came home drunk. I was scared, hiding under my covers. He came in and he, and he… did stuff to me. Stuff I tried to repress. Stuff that didn't matter anymore with you because my dad moved away. Last night he came back. He did it again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't handle it anymore. But you Spencer, you were my flame of hope. Please burn brightly for me. I'll see you one day in Heaven. Take care of my bag. There's a gift for you in there.

With all my love,

Angelina

Why God. How could you take this beautiful thing? How could you put her through that?

That was the day Spencer Reid stopped trusting God. He knew God was out there, but he couldn't trust God to help him with anything. That was the day he stopped shaking peoples hands and stopped using technology as much as his life would allow. That was the day he started carrying a certain leather messenger bag with a small item wrappd inside of the bag everywhere. He would try for her. He had decided that day. He would try.

But he also knew he could not let someone in that would leave him vulnerable again. They'd leave him in the end.