Chapter 5

(Flashback part 4)

Reid left the building at 5 o'clock. He walked as calmly as he could to his car while the others started to slowly filter out. He boarded his car driving to a small bookshop a town over.

He stepped into Bonnie's Brazen Books. This small book store was a peaceful place. As the name said, this place had brazen books. Bonnie was not scared to shy away from certain genres of books. She had books on practically everything.

He searched the walls and shelves full of books for a section of the store he had become achingly familiar with in the last few years. It was proudly labeled Self Harm. He grabbed one of the books off the shelf.

What is Self-Harm?

For some people, when depression and anxiety lead to a tornado of emotions, they turn to self-harm looking for a release. Self-harm and self-injury are any forms of hurting oneself on purpose. Usually, when people self-harm, they do not do so as a suicide attempt. Rather, they self-harm as a way to release painful emotions.

Get creative. Studies show that diving into making art can help people process emotions. So, next time you're feeling like self-harming, grab your sharpie and doodle your worries away. A bonus: you can totally suck at it and still reap the same rewards.

Breaking away from the cycle of self-harm can feel like a huge climb. It involves breaking a habit that has once brought comfort from pain. But, it is not impossible. Here are some steps to set you up for success:

Name your reason for hurting yourself and your reason for quitting. Ask yourself: "What do I feel before, during, and after self-injury? Which of those emotions do I actively seek out, and which are harmful?"

Identify other ways of achieving the same result. For example, if you self-harm for the physical sensation, seek other ways of releasing endorphins, like exercise. For real, try throwing a few punches at a kickboxing class or tapping it back in a spin class with the *perfect* playlist. If you self-harm to express your emotions, practice expressing them in words by writing them down. Grab a pen and your favorite notebook, or start typing away in your notes app.

Tackle the underlying emotions. Explore the feelings that lead you to want to hurt yourself. If it's guilt, where is that guilt coming from? Maybe try finding a therapist—there are pros trained specifically to help with this.

Tell someone you trust. Let a friend, family member, or trusted adult know what you're going through and that you need their support. Opening up to people can be easier said than done. Here's a place to start: "I'm having a hard time processing some painful emotions and I could use your support right now."

Getting healthy—both in your brain and in your body—takes hard work. You got this. And, we believe in you.

(From cri /topics/self-harm)

He had tried to do a load of good that had done him. If anything it made it worse. Did they expect him to draw flowers and butterflies?

He may as well try to put the rest of the steps. Why does he self-harm, how does he feel? He does it because he feels worthless with no control over anything he needs to hurt to ground himself into the world. Does he seek out these feelings? No, were they harmful? Yes.

Why does he want to quit? For Angelina, to live?

Can he tell anyone? No. So far nothing was helpful and leading him away from these thoughts. (You should check out this video, I'm Fine by Stiles Stillinsky.)

He pulled another book out. This one was new. The cover is still shiny, more people than you thought needed help on this topic, but no one would ever talk about it as a shame on themselves.

Self-harm can include but is not limited to, cutting read more on pages 7-9, burning read more on pages 10-11, eating disorders read more on pages 12-15, hitting oneself or choking oneself read more on 16-19, stopping injuries from healing 20-22, how to stop family members from self-harm 23-25, how to stop yourself from self-harm 26-27, positive affirmations 28-31, authors note.

Reid flipped to page 28.

Many people who begin self-harm have problems with insecurities and the likes. Positive affirmations can help them stop and can even help them take a step back from the edge of the bridge they're about to jump off of.

You are worth it.

People love you.

You are strong.

You can take this.

The world only gives you what you can deal with.

You are amazing.

You are perfect.

You deserve more, you deserve everything.

It will get better.

You're a fighter.

You can do this.

Good things are coming your way.

It continued with sentences like that for another 100 or so. Reid snorted at some of them. This book was too cocky for its own good. Helpful as shit. He placed the book back, looking through the other books for something to talk him off the edge.

You're doing amazing, keep it up!

You're almost there!

You are beautiful.

You are strong.

You are talented and kind.

Love yourself!

Cleanse yourself of your worries and regrets.

Choose to be fine.

Do your best.

He did his best. How the fuck do you choose to be fine. What about that is a choice. Stupid people who had no clue what went on in true suicidal people's minds.

"Spencer, honey?"

He looked up to see a brunette who was in her late 50s looking at him. "Hi, Bonnie."

She looked at him taking in his disheveled appearance. "Do you want a cup of coffee?"

He looked up at her surrounded by books about self-harm. He nodded.

She led him to the back room where a card table was set up next to a coffee pot. She poured them both a cup as he sat down. She handed the hot drink to the shivering young man.

The drink heated his hands and his veins as he sipped it. "What's wrong, Sweetie?" Bonnie's kind face peered onto his.

"I'm just… I'm just feeling tired. So much more tired than usual and I can't fix it."

Her eyes looked into his. "You're planning on ending it, aren't you?"

He slowly nodded. "So you came here for something, talk you out of it?"

He nodded once more. "Honey, you have a lot of good things going for you, yeah life hasn't been kind to you. I almost ended my life myself. I was 17, I know it seems young. My parents had caught me with a girlfriend and then she cheated on me. It's why I made sure to be open to everything in this store. And now I have married my wife it gets better. Try, just try."

"I'm not sure if I can do it anymore." Reid left.

He ran out of the building down the sidewalk past his car away from that. He couldn't try anymore. He was tired. He was done. He was done. Worthless. Who willingly wanted him. He was nothing and it was time to accept that.

His pounding feet hit the pavement as the sky darkened in the winter night. He ran to St. Joseph's. Entering through the arched door. He sat in the back row of the pews.

Angelina, I tried, I tried so hard for you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I tried so hard to live for you. I'll see you soon. Hopefully.

Reid sat in the back pew for almost 30 minutes. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything would be simpler in death.

He was glad he had only ever told Bonnie his first NE when he had started going there although if she searched there was a chance she could find him. It was today or never.

He walked the sidewalk to his apartment building. He walked past the foyer to the elevator. He rode to the 3rd floor walking through the hall to apartment 2C.

He paused outside the door, his hand on the handle.

A/N, Hi so I feel like I should address some of this. While in the story this didn't work it can work so if you are going through self-harm please try this it could work. Stay strong!