Chapter 12

*during the night

Eyes dearly blinked open. Why was he so tired? He couldn't move his arms, what was happening? He couldn't sit up and was in handcuffs. He blinked, adjusting himself to the darkness, yup those were handcuffs. He blinked again looking at the clock. 1:07 am, he looked down at himself. He was wearing a hospital gown. Was he in the hospital? The vents of yesterday rushed back to his brain. The pills, the blood, the blackness. He'd been found. He'd been caught, that wasn't supposed to happen! He was supposed to die. Now he was on suicide watch. Who had brought him in? A neighbor? Did he leave his door open? He couldn't remember. He needed to leave. But his eyes were heavy, his bones were too. He'd get out tomorrow for now he'd rest.

The beeping alarm woke JJ up at 8:00 am. She looked sadly at Wills empty half of the bed in. Screw him. She got dressed before going into Henry's room.

"Hey buddy, time to wake up," she shook the 4-year-old on the shoulder.

He rolled over slowly to look at his mom, "5 more minutes, Mommy?"

JJ shook her head. "Nope. I have to visit a friend of mine around 9 so I have to drop you off at, Ms. Julies!

The toddler grumbled as he got out of bed. JJ leaned down tickling his stomach to draw out giggles from the sleepy boy.

"Good," she smiled in approval. "Now get dressed. I'll go make pancakes, and the quicker you get downstairs the more chocolate chips I'll put in your pancakes."

Henry seemed to get a burst of energy from the prospect. "Ok, mommy! I can be done super duper fast!" She gave a laugh as she left the room heading down the stairs.

She pulled out the pancake mix and a frying pan. She turned on some music after grabbing the chocolate chips. She quickly started mixing the batter together.

The excited voice of the child rang out announcing his presence. She sent him to the wait for food with a bottle of syrup.

Three minutes later she gave him his pancakes and got started on making her own. She ate quickly, before washing hers and Henry's plates.

"Go get your shoes on, buddy. We leave in 10 minutes."

"Ok, Mommy!" Henry ran upstairs and barely avoided falling down the stairs.

JJ cleaned the frying pan before heading upstairs to find Henry. "Henry! Time to go."

She received silence. She called put again getting the same result. Getting annoyed she looked into his bedroom. Finding him not there she looked inside the bathroom.

"Henry, where are you?"

She walked into her room to find him trying to hang a picture.

"Henry, what's going on?" She asked surprised.

Henry looked at her from on top of the green stool he was on, "you were asking about uncle Spencer last night. I saw the picture he drew me and decided to hang it in here!" Henry pronounced proudly.

JJ was surprised but happy and proud of Henry. "Thank you, Henry. What's it a drawing of?"

He looked at her as he continued taping it to the wall. "It's a picture of flowers. He said that flowers at sore cool because some can keep themselves alive with only nature's help while others need careful pruning and care to stay alive. He drew a dandelion, he said it's his favorite flower because they can grow almost anywhere."

JJ inhaled sharply. So many signs were surrounding her. "Henry," she said grabbing the tape from him. "Let me finish taping it up, you go get your shoes on so we can leave.' Henry nodded before scampering out.

She looked at the beautiful bright flowers. Petals that were bright anywhere caution tape. The flowers sat on top of a mountain that seemed to have a perilous drop from all sides. Was she reading too much into this? Maybe. Maybe she was reading too much into it when she saw how hard it would be for someone else to get up there to look at the flower and when she saw the second flower with a broken stem and without yellow petals but the fluff from a dead dandelion. She snapped a show to Emily.

She walked out to the car with Henry helping him get buckled before getting into the driver's seat. She pulled out of the garage.

He woke up again. This time the sun had already risen. He pushed himself up into a sitting position pulling against his chains. He stated down again until his wrists looking at the offending metal objects keeping him captive. He looked again unto the gauze covering his bloody cuts on his wrists. Did he regret doing it? Not sure at the moment he was regretting not succeeding. If he was here, that meant Hotch must know. Hotch would have been informed, the whole team would know. They would know he was a freak. that he self-harmed. Know that he was weak. That he self-mutilated. Attempted suicide. He'd be fired. Abandoned, once more or they'd give him pity. That was almost worse. Pity. None of them would understand, and he had to stay in the hospital for 72 hours. 72 hours acting normal and he fixes this new problem. He could shoot himself, they wouldn't have taken his gun yet. There was still hope. The dead could receive no pity. The dead couldn't feel. If he went to heaven or to hell he didn't care it would still hurt less. Nothing mattered more he'd try again in 72 hours.

Several minutes later they found themselves in front of the Clarington Arms Apartment building. She unbundled Henry and they walked into the foyer to wait for Julie to come to meet them.

When she saw Julie coming down the hallway she knelt to the ground in front of Henry, reminding him to be good for Ms. Julie.

Henry nodded in agreement as a brunette woman stepped into the room, a grin on her face.

"Hey, Henry! We're going to have so much fun! I have a new Lego set we can build." Henry perked up at the thought of legos.

JJ picked up her purse turning to the woman. "Me or Will will be here to pick him up around 5."

She refreshed Julie on the directions and then hugged Henry goodbye. She waved and she walked to her car.

She pulled up to the hospital just and after nine. She quickly walked back to the waiting room she had been in the night before.

She looked around, spotting a dark brunette with large bags under her eyes. She walked over to Emily, dropping her purse on the floor as she sunk into the chair next to her.

"Couldn't sleep?" The raven-haired agent bleary looked up at her in confusion. She shook the tiredness out of her head.

"No, are you ready to uncover his secrets?"

"I don't think I ever will be, but you know what they say, sink or swim.

Emily drew out a sketchpad. It reminded JJ of the photo she had snapped on her phone. The weight seemed to become heavier in her pocket.

"He draws a lot," JJ said it hesitantly surprised by how large the pad was.

"Let's start at the beginning," Emily announced flipping the book open.

Gasps came from both. It was beautiful, stunning, and magical. A shimmering green forest. The trees looked lifelike. The details were impeccable. Some leaves shimmering under the light of a bright starry sky, a crescent moon hanging in the sky. A lone wolf howling to the sky.

They flipped to the next page, a Porta it of the team. Smiling and happy. Everyone was there except for the teammates who had left in their place were empty spaces of white in a human form . Gideon and Elle all that was left was an empty space to remember them by. Spencer wasn't in it either. He was to the side his colors duller than the rest, seeming to fade like Elle and Gideon had.

The next ported a golden sunset over a seascape. Birds flying in flocks. One bird just a speck on the horizon, left behind.

The pictures continued, beauty mixed with a small hint of sadness

While the pictures above had subtly shown sadness and a sense of abandonment the next picture was as breathtaking abandonment as the ones before but it wasn't subtle. It was gruesome. It was a sketch of Reid.

He was made up of black lines on white paper. His body curled into itself, into abandonment, a fetal position. The whole image is black and white except for the scarlet painted on his arms. Reid drew himself looking so small against the walls. Trembling and alone.

The next four were flowers. Beautiful but it looked like they were hastily drawn almost as if the beauty they created was take up for the pain held from the last painting.

It continued in a circle. A few peaceful images holding a hint of sadness falling into a gruesome sketch followed by seemingly happy images before the cycle repeated itself. Pages in it seemed he gave up on this process. The book held a section of beautiful blood-filled images. Bruises, cuts, ropes, scarlet streams.

The image that struck Emily the most was the self-portrait he drew. He leaned up along the wall. The only thing seemed to be the only thing keeping his drawn body from going limp. And in the picture there were thousands of crimson rivers traveling down his body from cuts going up and down his body, crisscrossing over each other. Every cut was in a certain place. Thighs, legs, shoulders, stomach, and arms. What hurt was that Emily had had a feeling that every single scar drawn was real. That every single one of those crimson cuts were on her friend's body and that with his memory he'd be able to remember every single one of them and his feelings. What drove him to the knife.

They kept going through the boom aghast at what they saw.

JJ finally had it. Standing up tears streaming down her face. Declaring that she was done looking through it.

"Ok." Emily slipped the book back into the bag before going through it.

"What are you doing?"

Emily glanced at her. "He might want his bag when he wakes up. I'm looking for razors to make sure it will be safe to give him."

She went through the bag a moment more before pulling out a container of razors and medical supplies. She stared for a moment before shaking herself out of her head. Telling herself that she was done with them. She held them out to JJ.

"Can you take them?" I won't be able to resist if they're on me.

JJ looked at her seemingly understanding the words behind the action. She accepted them, dropping them in her purse.

"What else is in his bag?" Emily remained thankful that JJ didn't pry.

Emily scanned through the bag. "Granola bar, files, phone, and a umm," she drew out a small locked box. "This, it says Angelina. I wonder who she is."

JJ looked at the box with the name. A memory coming to the surface. "I've heard him talking about her. He was with me and Henry for brunch and he stepped out to take take a call. At the beginning I couldn't hear much but as the call went on hear got louder. I caught bits and pieces but it was something about how he shouldn't need more proof how there should've been enough. He was yelling that Angelina should have been enough proof. He came back angry."

Emily looked at her. They all had a reason. "Do you think Angelina is his reason for join law enforcement?"

A nod in response from the blonde. "He must know who murdered her but he doesn't have the proof to lock them away."

A brief moment of silence. "Reid really drew the short stick in life didn't he?"

A nod of agreement. "It's not fair."

They lapsed into silence.

JJ left, the thought of staying in that white room for another second was suffocating. She headed down to the cafeteria for two coffees.

As she headed back up, she heard the name, Spencer. The word drawing her attention to the woman who said it.

"Listen up, this is the last hospital on the list. Is there a Spencer here for attempted suicide?" The frustrated words of a woman who looked to be in about her early 50s demanded of the receptionist.

"Are you family or his emergency contact?"

"No! But he's a friend, and if he isn't here it means he's fucking dead!"

"I cannot legally disclose any information to you then." The woman turned on her heels to leave.

"Are you looking for Spencer Reid?" JJ called out to the woman.

She walked over to JJ. "I don't know his last name but he's 6ft, skinny, addicted to coffee and a genius."

JJ laughed. "That sounds like Spence, I'm JJ, one of his best friends."

"Bonnie. He started coming to my bookshop about 11 years ago. He's like a son to me."

They talked as they walked up the stairwell. "How did you know he'd be at a hospital for attempted suicide?"

"I remember the first time he came into my shop. 19 and he had just moved in. It was 30 minutes to closing time and I was telling the few straggling customers that we closed soon and I found him at the base of our bookshelf on self-harm. Books spread across the floor in front of him. Pages being flipped every few seconds. I sat next to him and asked if he was ok. He said he wasn't sure. So I sat with him and when everyone had left I took him to the back of the shop we talked. I told him about my own experiences when I was younger. I invited him over the next day to talk more.

He continued coming. We talked and eventually, he started doing better. He would come in read a few books and then help me. He would put up new shelves sort through new arrivals.

I would always know if he was having a bad day if he was sitting at the base of the self-harm bookcase with the books filled with positive affirmations out. He would try to talk himself out of his funk. When I saw him I'd lead him to the back to talk, to cry for anything.

He came in last night heading straight to those books. I found him and he told me he was tired. I talked and he ran. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I've been calling and going to hospitals since then.

They walked into the waiting room. JJ led Bonnie over to Emily. JJ handed the coffee to her. "Emily this is Bonnie, Bonnie this is Emily. She's the one who found Spence.

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise, how do you know Spencer?"

"He comes to my bookstore." A nurse walked in.

"Visiting hours for this floor are starting. Check-in with the receptionist before you go." They headed over to the desk, signing in before going down the hall to stand in front of Spencer's door Emily's hand once more resting on a door handle uncertain of what she would find on the other side.

(A/N, so with school starting expect chapters around every 2 weeks. Sorry. If you noticed in the majority of the pictures there was always one thing left behind. Also, please comment on what you think the other dandelion meant in the drawing. All the medical stuff is probably wrong.

So, I'm just going to rant here for a minute. You can read if you want to but I just want to spill my guts to something right now. My parents are fucking homophobes along with my older brother. Which really sucks. My mom won't let me do anything I want because she thinks that she knows what's best for me because yes someone born in the 70s knows what it's like for someone born in the 2000s. I don't like robotics but what do you know she has me take fucking robotics. And the only person I can really talk to is my other older brother whos the middle child because he's gay and more understanding and even then he doesn't understand everything going on in my head. He always tells me I can't leave and move out when I turn 18 because why would I do that. My family literally breaks down my self-esteem every single day. I'm never listened to and it hurts because sometimes that's all you need. My family caused me to relapse twice, and they never even noticed anything was even wrong and I'm not sure what hurts more. So that's the end of my rant. I hope all of you guys are doing well.)