(A/N I know I said 2 weeks and it has been over a month since I last updated. My life has just been really hectic lately I have ECC's coming up, my quarter is closing, my mom has cancer and her blood counts are really low. And the cherry on top was my phone broke and how I usually write is I write it on paper then type it on my phone and edit on my computer, without my phone it takes me a lot longer. There's just a lot going on in such little time and in the little time I have to myself I seem to completely forget to write it or be too lazy to post it. On the other hand, I am now on anti-anxiety meds which should help since I had an anxiety attack at school a few weeks ago.)
Chapter 13
With a touch on Emily's shoulder, Bonnie stopped her from opening the door. "I'll stay out here, for now, to give you some time to talk."
Before stepping through the doorway, Emily and JJ nodded and swung the door open. Three things caught their attention. His eyes were open. He was sitting up. And finally, he was reading as well as he could despite the handcuffs on as if he hadn't just slit his wrists and downed a bottle of pills.
Technically he had been slitting his wrists for years and going on as if it was nothing.
His gaze drifted up to look at them. 'Who found me?' The question was spoken with such a demanding tone of voice it seemed to emit power. The authoritative voice was a large contrast to his body that looked oh so weak.
Emily raised her hand in response. "I did."
She caught his eye for a moment as he observed her. "You should have no idea where I live."
Nervously, Emily chuckled. "Well, you see I may or may not have broken into Hotch's office and gone through your file, and then driven to your apartment like a madwoman."
Her eyes were fixed on him. Noticing the look that he was about to protest, she quickly cut in. "I had the right to do it."
"Why," he demanded, "what gave you the right to do this. What was your reasonable suspicion?"
"I'm looking at it, Spence. Emily's reasonable suspicion was the empty bottle of pills and cuts on your arm."
Reid shook his head. "Nope. That's evidence you got after coming to find me. What was your evidence at the time?"
Emily was silent for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. "I started seeing the signs a few months ago, I dismissed them, because this was you! This was Spencer Reid my little brother…" her voice going from hysterical to barely a whisper.
"You were so, so sad and I ignored it but then yesterday I saw the blood on your desk and I freaked. I freaked because you said goodbye. You said goodbye when you usually saying goodnight."
Reid looked Emily straight in the eye before looking at JJ. "Am I fired and where's the rest of the team?"
Emily drew her breath in she would have to explain everything even her own scars. "You won't be fired because…" she paused drawing in a breath and looking at the impatient and semi-relieved Spencer Reid. "Because I didn't tell them. I told JJ because you and I both needed her support to help you. I also told Ethan and he'll be here soon, JJ bumped into a woman called Bonnie who was looking for you at the hospital. You will have to tell the team eventually when your mental health is more stable. You are going to call out of work for two weeks for a family emergency. Me, Ethan, JJ, and probably Bonnie will watch you. I'll set you up with a therapist to help you-"
"I don't need help! I am fine! I am perfectly fine this was a small fluke! I don't need anyone's help! I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine…"
"If you were fine you wouldn't be in a hospital. If you were fine you wouldn't have written those notes-"
"You saw the notes?" He waited as Emily and JJ nodded their heads. "Those were just some hysterical things I wrote they meant nothing. Nothing. They mean nothing and they never will."
JJ sat down next to him stroking his arm. "Those weren't the words of a hysterical man those were the words of a broken man who gave up on getting help."
"What aren't you understanding! I don't need help, I am fine. I don't need help and I never did."
Emily was getting worried and annoyed as much as she hated to admit at his declaration.
"Yes, you do. You feel like you're fine doing it alone because you had no one before. No one to help you overpower that small little voice in your head whispering into your ear that you're not good enough and you never will be. But you know what Reid. You are good enough. You are good enough for me, for JJ, for Bonnie, and for Ethan.
He looked away from her gaze, unable to comprehend what was being said. Being good enough was such a foreign concept.
"You need help and we're getting you help. When you go back to work if you're not ready to tell the team, you will be in my eyesight or I'll make up an excuse for another team member to watch you. If you need to go to the bathroom I will wait outside for you." Once again she took a breath as she waited for her answer.
Reid looked startled and alert after her small speech. "What day is it?"
"Saturday," Reid looked surprised at the news. Emily waited patiently for his next question.
"How are you taking this so, calmly for lack of a better word?" Reid asked regaining his more casual and controlled mask. "Where am I staying?"
"You and Ethan will be staying with me. You'll sleep in the same room so he can watch you."
Reid looked at her. It felt like he was looking into her soul. " JJ is feeling distressed and frightened, you're feeling anxious and sad but not scared like JJ. What experience do you have?"
Emily exhaled slowly. "When I was 15 I had sex and got an abortion. Everyone avoided me like the plague. I know how you feel. You feel unloved, unwanted, ignored. Trust me I felt the same way. But you, you are so much stronger. You can get over this. Taking your life is not the answer. We will be with you every step of the way. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I understand. Reid, you are my brother and I love you."
She rolled up her sleeves showing her own white and silvery lines. "We care about you. We love you."
Reid looked at her. The image of hopelessness is still painted in his eyes. Along with a spark of not hope but love.
She remembered a rhyme she had heard a few years ago. "I know you thought it would be just one cut here and one cut there because no one would see and no one would care. We care for you Reid we truly do."
"I won't go through my whole story right now but I had a friend who was there for me he wrote me a poem." Reid let out a soft bitter chuckle. Emily continued, " it went like this-
She hides from you
More than the pain you've caused
She hides the proof of how
Much pain was really dealt
I hated how long it took me to recover. I hated how I couldn't stop."
Reid looked into her eyes. Opening his mouth.
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
Cry for a while then cut some more
Open cut closed cut, cut scabbed over
Drink away the pain them cut again sober
Old cut new cut, cut dripping blood
Drag the blade across the arm and watch as it floods.
Cut on my wrist cut on my thigh
Wait till everyone's asleep and cut in the night
Small cut, big cut, cut too deep
Sit and watch as it continues to bleed
Hi cut bye cut it keeps bleeding out
See you later cut it's all over now
JJ stared transfixed and Emily had tears dripping out.
JJ spoke up after a few moments. "Spence… I may not understand what you're going through but I love you and I'll be there for you, you don't have to be alone."
"Nice of you to say that now. After years. Years of never noticing. I'm sorry if I don't believe you."
(A/N The two poes I used in this are not mine I found them online and was unable to find out their writers but they are not mine. My poems show up later in the next chapter. Again sorry it has been a month I will try to type up my story more.)