Chapter Eight: Act II, Scene III: Paradox
A/N: Another fortnight, another update. This is a bit of a shorter chapter, but features a little bit of Sirius interaction, and more than a little bit of Mariam interaction.
Beth noticed that Phoenix hadn't been the same since the New Year's party. She gave her friend a few days to settle in as they returned to Hogwarts, but it only took those few days for rumours to circulate the school. Apparently, Phoenix and Evan were engaged. By the huge ring on Phoenix's fingers, those rumours weren't fiction. On their first weekend back at Hogwarts, Beth approached Phoenix as she sat doing an essay in front of the fire.
"Hey." Beth sat across from Phoenix, crossing her legs and noting that the dark-haired girl didn't even look up. "We need to talk."
"We do?" Phoenix finally looked up. She was a girl so suited to bright smiles that melancholy was unusual for her.
"We need to talk about that." Beth gestured at the ring sparkling on her finger. "Before you left for the holidays, you were all loved up with Lupin. Now you're engaged to Evan? What's that about?"
Phoenix shrugged her shoulders. "Remus and I broke up. It's not like Evan and I will get married until I'm seventeen anyway."
Seventeen. It was still so young. Beth had only recently turned seventeen herself, and she couldn't imagine being married at her age. Not only that, but it didn't seem like an arrangement Phoenix was happy with. She had seemed withdrawn and lifeless since their return to Hogwarts, though Evan was delighted with how things had turned out.
"I thought things were good with you and Remus."
Phoenix's lips twisted bitterly. "You of all people should know how suddenly things can change in a relationship."
Beth lapsed into silence. Unfortunately, Phoenix wasn't wrong. Regulus breaking things off with Beth had come as a shock to her, especially when they'd had such a wonderful summer together. It was strange to think that had been months ago now. It sometimes felt so fresh and so recent.
"I've already heard enough from Sirius," Phoenix muttered, picking her quill up again, "I don't really need to hear anything else."
Beth frowned. "What did Sirius say?"
"Oh, you know." Phoenix waved a dismissive hand, but the tears brewing in her grey eyes indicated how upset she was. "I'm selfish and spineless."
"That's not true," Beth said defensively, but Phoenix didn't really seem to care. She wiped at her eyes and kept her gaze downcast on her assignment. She pressed her lips together in a thin line that Beth recognised as a sign she was trying hard not to cry.
"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter."
Beth didn't know what else to say, because it was clear that Phoenix was just trying to brush everything off. Regardless, whatever her reason for breaking up with Remus and getting engaged to Evan, it was a choice that she wasn't happy with. It was also a choice that Beth didn't understand, but she would do everything in her power to ease this road for Phoenix. Unfortunately, it might mean speaking to the black sheep of the family: Sirius.
Beth hadn't spoken to Sirius all that often. He was a year above them, and in Gryffindor. She had only passing interactions with the oldest Black sibling, and she had never minded that. However, she really didn't want there to be discord between Sirius and Phoenix, not when it was clear that Phoenix was already so upset about whatever had happened between her and Remus.
Considering the end of the year was quickly approaching for seventh-year students, many of them could be found, in varying degrees of stress, in the library. Sirius and his band of friends were no exception, although Sirius and James tended to muck around more than focus on their schoolwork, while Remus studied diligently and Peter laughed at them.
"Um, Sirius?" Beth approached the group, wringing her hands and attempting to ignore her anxiety. The Marauders were considered quite the group of cool kids in their year, and didn't often associate with any Slytherins let alone Beth. He and James had been tossing a wad of paper across the desk to each other, whilst Remus wrote notes in stony silence, his posture rigid.
"Mini Fawley." Sirius's tone was cool as his grey eyes locked onto her. He looked a lot like Regulus, she noted. "Can we help you?"
"I was kind of hoping to speak to you alone." Beth's gaze raked over the rest of the table. Peter and James's smiles had dropped, while Remus was ignoring her altogether.
Sirius sighed deeply. "The girls just can't stay away from me. I'll be back in a minute."
He got to his feet and Beth led him away to an empty row of shelves. Sirius folded his arms and leaned against the shelves with all the grace and poise of a model. Beth almost hated him for being so effortlessly attractive, but what did she expect considering his younger siblings?
"So. What can I do for you?"
"Um, Phoenix told me that you talked to her." Beth tried to keep her breathing even. She hated confrontation, and talking to people outside her general circle of friends, but if Phoenix wasn't going to say something, it was up to her. "About her breaking up with Remus. I think you were really harsh on her, and it was kind of unfair."
"Do you think so?" Sirius's tone was mocking, making heat flare in Beth's cheeks. What had she expected would happen? That she would confront Sirius and give him a verbal lashing and he would be meek and mild? No, she was going to be the one who would be embarrassed after this, and she'd been a fool to think anything else.
"You don't even know why she broke things off."
"Oh, I can guess." Sirius waved his hand. "Pressure from our parents or something of the like. If she wants to cave, I don't have to be nice to her about it."
"Didn't you ever wonder why she might be under that kind of pressure?" Beth's tone became more firm. "She isn't you."
"Why are you here sticking up for her?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Isn't Phoenix capable of defending herself?"
"She is, but she won't." Beth took a deep breath despite the fact that her hands were shaking. "She's been different since she broke up with Remus. She isn't happy with Evan, you know. It's not like this was some love match. She's lonely and hurting, and all you did was make that worse."
Sirius blinked rapidly, shocked, and Beth wondered if maybe she'd gone too far. She bit down on her lip and waited for a retaliation from the oldest Black sibling, but nothing was forthcoming. After a moment, he nodded slowly. He almost looked impressed, leaving Beth confused. Sometimes, Sirius really didn't make any sense to her.
"Damn, okay. Right to it, then."
"I should get going." Beth checked the closest clock. "I've got class soon."
"Beth!" Sirius called after her as she strode through the shelves. Someone shushed him, but Beth turned to face him, wondering if he just felt that he needed to have the last word. "Phoenix is lucky to have a friend like you."
Beth nodded curtly, before she kept walking. Nonetheless, she couldn't help but feel that Sirius had complimented her. He'd also called her Beth instead of 'mini Fawley'. Merlin's beard, she really never would understand that boy.
Beth was perfectly content in doing absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day, however Mariam invited her to Hogsmeade. She insisted it wasn't a date, just two single girls spending time together while couples exchanged gifts and snogged all around the castle. After seeing Phoenix and Evan making out on the couch in the common room, Beth was all too eager to agree. Apparently, Claudia had recently got a boyfriend, meaning that Mariam had been abandoned.
"I can't believe Claudia would ditch you," Beth said as they traipsed into Hogsmeade, although she absolutely could believe that. She didn't express her real thoughts about Claudia, but she found the girl self-centred and vindictive.
"She does this whenever she gets a boyfriend." Mariam rolled her eyes, today coated in glittery blue eyeshadow. "I'm used to it. Anyway, what's with Phoenix and Evan? That's pretty new. She was with that Gryffindor boy not long ago."
"Remus Lupin," Beth said, raking her blonde hair out of her eyes, "I guess maybe they didn't have too much in common."
"Evan has the personality of a dead raccoon." Mariam sniffed in distaste. "Gorgeous boy. Might even be into him if I was straight. But there's nothing upstairs."
Beth couldn't help but burst out laughing. She was used to Mariam's bluntness, but hearing Evan described with such contempt was extremely amusing to her. Seeing that she'd made Beth laugh made a sly smile creep onto Mariam's lips. Feeling bold, Beth brushed her fingers against Mariam's, and the other girl took her hand.
"Thought we were being casual."
Beth tilted her head to the side. "We can't hold hands?"
"I guess so." Mariam lapsed into silence as they head to Honeydukes to scope out what sweets were on offer. Beth perused what they had, deciding she'd bring back a bunch to share with Lorna and Phoenix, their snogging sessions with their respective partners aside. Mariam prowled through the aisles with feline grace, stopping every now and then to inspect something.
"Who's Claudia's new boyfriend?" Beth asked.
"Don't worry, it's not Regulus." Mariam smirked as she inspected some Jelly Slugs. "You still aren't over that boy, are you?"
"I don't know." Beth picked at her sleeve self-consciously. "I mean, we're friends. We talk more now."
"Took me ages to get over my first ex." Mariam added some treacle fudge to her basket, sweeping her dark hair over her shoulder. "I was a mess, though. I used to just...cry about it randomly. Claudia probably wished we weren't best friends then."
"You and Claudia are so different," Beth said diplomatically, making Mariam bark out a laugh and examine her with mischievous dark eyes.
"You mean she's a passive-aggressive bitch. It's fine, you can say it."
Beth flushed. "We just don't get along."
"Claudia is really territorial." Mariam slung her basket over her arm. She squinted through the window and groaned. "Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Act natural, here she comes with her latest fling."
The bell on the door to Honeydukes tinkled, accompanied by Claudia's laughter as she stepped into Honeydukes. The smile froze on her face when she saw Beth, and Mariam gave a half-hearted wave. It was the boy who was with Claudia that made Beth go rigid.
"Looks like we have company," Sirius said as he followed Claudia into the store. "Beth. Mariam."
Why was Beth so surprised? She guessed that she had thought Sirius wouldn't have been into stuck-up pure-blood girls. The past few girlfriends he'd had, to her recollection, had been a perky Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor who was in the same year as Beth. Claudia just...didn't really seem like Sirius's type.
"Hi, Sirius," Mariam responded, casting a look over her shoulder at Beth, "Come on. Claudia's probably about to get really affectionate in the middle of a sweet shop. We can go and grab some lunch."
"Good idea." Beth brought her basket to the counter, studiously avoiding making eye contact with either Sirius or Claudia. She could hear Sirius talking and Claudia's high-pitched giggle every now and again. Once she'd paid for her sweets, she followed Mariam out of the store.
"Sorry about that." Mariam gave an exasperated sigh. "I really did think I was going to be able to avoid them today. Thought maybe they'd go shag in the dorm or something."
"Claudia and Sirius?" Beth couldn't hide her disbelief. "Wow. I really didn't expect that."
Mariam scoffed. "Watch them get bored of each other in a few weeks."
"Does that happen a lot?" Beth asked as they traipsed toward The Three Broomsticks, the place most likely not to be full of kissing couples. Mariam merely shrugged her shoulders as they headed inside and grabbed a table. It was only after they ordered some food that she addressed the topic of Claudia and Sirius again.
"Claudia just likes feeling wanted. I suppose that's natural. Doesn't everyone want to be wanted?"
Beth thought of Phoenix, beautiful and wealthy. Her best friend was admired and envied in equal measure. Girls wanted to be her, boys wanted to be with her. She was engaged to one of the most popular and attractive seventh-year boys, objectively speaking. She seemed to have everything and yet, she was devastated. Phoenix didn't want to be desired. Phoenix wanted to be loved.
"No. Not everyone."
"Not you?" Mariam cocked her head to the side as they ate their lunch, and Beth averted her eyes. Sometimes, she didn't know what the fuck she wanted. Once it had been Regulus, but she was coming to terms with the fact that particular future was never going to happen. It didn't stop the ache, but it was duller now, a pain she'd come to terms with.
"I haven't figured it out yet."
Once they'd finished eating and headed back outside, Beth examined Mariam. The other girl was so unapologetically herself, no matter what anyone said about her. It was refreshing, not to have to wonder where she stood with Mariam. She remembered another time she'd been in Hogsmeade on a sort-of date and where that had gotten her.
"Mariam." Beth caught her hand, and the dark-haired girl turned with her eyebrows raised. Something impulsive flared in Beth. She was so tired of being careful, of watching what she said and hoping she didn't upset anyone, of being the girl everyone expected, of pretending Regulus hadn't fucking broken her heart. She wanted to live for herself, not for anyone else. She didn't want to be Phoenix, shackled to someone else, expected to marry a man.
Beth stepped closer to Mariam and kissed her. The other girl's lips were soft against hers, and she could taste her honey lip balm. She felt Mariam smile and loop an arm around her waist, tugging her closer. In that moment, it was just the two of them, kissing like any other couple on Valentine's Day. Beth reached up to cup Mariam's cheek, her skin smooth and soft to the touch. Mariam kissed her more passionately, but Beth's heart was racing in her chest as she stepped back.
Flustered, she raked her hair back and hoped that she hadn't just fucked things up. Fortunately, the other girl didn't appear too perturbed.
Mariam grinned. "Thought we were keeping things casual."
"Sorry." Beth grimaced. She had been the one to downplay it. "I just...felt like kissing you."
"I am totally alright with that." Mariam nodded enthusiastically. "But I think you should figure out what you do want before we kiss again."