Agnes 26

Author's Note: Thanks for following along with my twist as it goes into some different directions. Some sexy stuff here—be warned.

Let me know what you think!

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Liz sat by the window watching for his return and wondering where his head would be when that happened. He had been quiet after waking, then put on hiking gear and took off with Ken, one of Reddington's security people, on a hike during the few hours of daylight that Iceland had at this time of year. Liz had tried to speak with him, and he said he wasn't ready to talk. Liz had asked to join him, and he had said he needed to go alone.

"He needed some time," Reddington said as he sat down next to her and handed her a tea.

Liz took it from him and said nothing.

"Lizzie, he'll be okay," Reddington said softly.

"It's too much," Liz said softly as she watched the sun get lower and lower in the sky. "Townsend, me, Agnes' illness, him finding out he's her father, him parenting for the first time in his life, and now this…he was assaulted. There's no other…he was violated."

Reddington nodded and sipped his tea.

"Did I ever tell you about Svetlana?" Reddington asked her.

Liz turned and looked at him with a raised eyebrow and then looked back out the window.

"In Dom's village growing up, there was a very rich woman, the only rich woman in the village," Reddington said. "And she had an appetite for boys about 17-20 years old. She was a sexually ravenous woman who used her riches to entice young men into her bed before they left the village or married or whatever young poor boys did in Russia at the time. Anyways, almost every boy in the village, when they turned about 17, slept with Svetlana. It was a kind of odd right of passage. She gave them food or goods they could trade or sometimes money and everyone knew going in what was expected and what would happen. And, at around 20 they were cast aside. It was just the way it was, as Dom told me. Now, ethically, was she taking advantage of the poor boys? Yes, absolutely. Were their parents complicit so they got food or goods? Yes, and morally, that's a whole other ball of wax as it could be looked at as prostituting your own child. Did the young men learn skills that they took with them into the beds of other women? From the stories Dom has told me about Svetlana, I would say that was abundantly true. But, did the boys learn they were a commodity? They did, and in a starving Russia that may have saved many a life. Did…"

"Is there a point to this story about an old rich woman taking advantage of poor young men for sex?" Liz asked him, annoyed with the story.

"My point Lizzie," Reddington said annoyed. "Is that sometimes we cannot change the circumstance, but we can change the way we look at it. The young men looked at it as tradition, as food for their family, as a sexual education. They could have looked at it for the horrible situation it was, but they chose not to and, as such, walked forward in life without that burden."

Liz saw a vehicle start to come down the road. It looked like the jeep Ressler had left in with Ken. She sat up straighter and watched its approach.

"Donald can look at the situation for what it was: a sexual assault. Or, he can look at it as a horrible event that created a wonderful child. His child. I am not trying to minimize the trauma, the violation, or the upset, but going forward, there are two paths, and which path he chooses will determine much of your future as a family."

Liz turned and looked at Reddington annoyed.

"I just want to make sure he's okay," she said softly. "Me and Agnes are not part of that, in my mind. Don, Don, needs to be okay and that's all I care about right now. Him."

Reddington nodded and looked at the jeep coming up the driveway.

"Well, you will find out soon enough," Reddington said as he rose. "Dembe and I are doing a movie night with Agnes. Pinocchio. I thought you and Donald could use some time. We'll make sure she's off to bed."

Liz nodded.

The jeep came to a stop and Don got out, slinging his backpack around his shoulder, and saying something to Ken, who returned a comment that caused Don to smile.

Liz got up and walked to the door, stepping outside into the cold dusk and looking at him with trepidation.

"Hey," he said as he stopped a few feet in front of her.

"How was your hike?" Liz asked him.

"Reykjanesfokvangur calms me down," Ressler said.

Liz knew the nature preserve he was talking about, they had gone there with Agnes once and he'd mentioned that he hiked there often. It was a desolate landscape that made you think you were on the moon with moss, rocks, cliffs, lakes, and open sky.

She wanted to ask if he was okay, but it felt like it was a stupid question after the revelations of this morning.

She took a step toward him and when he didn't back away, she took another. She wanted to follow his lead, besides holding his hand, and touching his arm when he woke, they had not had any physical contact.

"Come here," he said as he opened his arms and she stepped into them willingly. She sighed when she felt them wrap around her and pulled her tight against him.

"I'm so sorry about what happened to you," she said as she felt his scratchy wool sweater against her face. She had said it several times before, but it seemed important to say again. "I wish it hadn't happened."

"I know," he said softly into her hair.

"Tell me what I can do to help, what you need from me…" Liz said as she pulled back and looked into his crystal blue eyes as they light faded.

"I don't know what I need," Don said with a slight chuckle. "I'm angry. I feel…violated. But, had that not happened, I wouldn't be Agnes' father, so where does that leave me?"

Liz nodded.

"And you," Don said softly as he pushed some hair behind her ear. "You and I made her, and we weren't even…our first time together was years after he made a child. How fucked up is…?"

Liz nodded and placed a hand on his chest. "I know."

He sighed and looked out over the land with the retreating sun.

"Most of all," Don said as his jaw tightened and he continued to look out over the landscape. "I'm pissed that I had a child and I missed out on the first years of her life. I didn't rock her as a baby, or change a diaper, or have her fall asleep in my arms…I missed out on so much…"

Liz sniffled and he looked back at her, she had tears rolling down her face. "I'm sorry for that too."

He wiped at a couple of tears with his thumb and kissed her forehead. "I missed staying up nights with you and a crying baby…seeing you embrace motherhood. And when I think about Kirk…"

"Don't even go…" Liz said, knowing that, although Don helped find Agnes, had he known she was his child he may have leapt over every barrier to get their daughter back.

"I don't understand Tom though," Ressler said as he guided them inside the warm house. "He took part in this, he…he hated me. Why would he ever agree to me being the father? Why did he sacrifice so much to get Agnes back if she was my child and not his? And why, if this was meant to blackmail me or us or get us to…I don't know, look the other way on evidence…why did no one, in all the years she has been alive, use that leverage?"

"I don't know, honey," Liz said quietly as they took off their shoes and he dropped his pack in the front hallway.

Ressler shook his head. "We need more answers."

Liz smiled at him "I have one answer that you will like."

He looked at her confused.

"The genetic testing came back from your sample," Liz said. "It was a mutation that caused Agnes' illness. It didn't come from you or me."

A smile broke out across his face; the first one she had elicited from him since this morning.

"Thank god," he sighed as he closed his eyes. "I know it doesn't make her better, but to know that I didn't…that it wasn't either of us who…"

"I know," she said as she patted his chest.

"And didn't the doctor say that a mutation is, generally, less severe and life altering?" Ressler asked.

"He did," Liz nodded.

He nodded with her.

Liz bit her lip, she wasn't sure if this was the right time to say something.

"What?" He asked, picking up on her thoughts.

"I know we haven't spoken about…well, a lot of things," Liz hedged. "But if we wanted another child, it would mean that we were not risking the same illness, genetically."

He looked at her surprised; he had thought more kids were not something she wanted. She had made some off-handed comments over the years since Agnes was born that had indicated to him she was done.

"More kids?" Ressler asked.

"Well, maybe one more," Liz smirked at him.

"Really?" He asked, his voice light and hopeful.

"Our first one is pretty amazing," Liz chuckled softly. "I think our second one will be too. And, then you get the experience of the diapers, and colic, and all that fun stuff."

He kissed her. She wasn't expecting that, and it took her breath away. They pulled apart and she gasped for air.

"Sorry, I should have warned…"

"No, that's a great response," she smiled at him.

"Are you really…?" Ressler asked.

"I am," she smiled at him. "Let's clear some of the decks before I get off birth control, but yeah, soon."

He leaned in and kissed her softly. She felt him smiling against her lips and was happy that she could offer him some reprieve from whatever was going on in his head.

"I love you," Liz said. "I hate what happened to you, and I hope I can help you deal with it. But know I will always love you. You as you show up. Not as I want you to be. Don't hide from me. I'm a big girl and I want to help you."

Don nodded.

"About a decade ago, I worked with victims of sexual…" Liz started.

"I'm not a victim, Liz," Ressler said sternly.

"Okay," Liz sighed. "Then what are you?"

He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Resilient," he said finally after a long pause.

Liz nodded.

"Well then, resilience involves being honest and clear about what you are capable of handling and when you need help," Liz said. "In bed…"

"I'm fine, Liz," Ressler said, clearly.

"You may be now, but you may not be in the moment," Liz said. "Don, you don't have to prove anything to me."

He nodded. "I'm fine."

"Okay," she nodded, knowing he wasn't, but also knowing this was going nowhere.

"But if you are ever not…"

"I will let you know," he said, shutting down the discussion.

Liz thought about their sex life, and knew he knew what she had concluded. He had avoided certain types of sexual activity their entire relationship and, she figured, every other sexual relationship since the assault. Subconsciously, he knew to avoid certain things. He didn't like being confined in any way, he didn't like hand jobs, he didn't like doing sexual things in chairs. All of it went back to his assault and, what he thought were sexual preferences, were acts that his mind tied to the violation he couldn't remember.

"Where's Agnes?" Ressler asked as he looked into the kitchen.

"Pinnochio tonight," Liz said. "Reddington and Dembe will take care of her."

Ressler nodded and swallowed hard.

"How about we watch a movie in the bedroom?" Liz asked as she picked up an ipad. "Something…funny?"

Ressler nodded, he may have said he was fine, but the second Liz mentioned they were alone for the night he looked scared.

"I'm going to get some wine," Ressler said as he walked toward the kitchen.

Ten minutes later he was coming into the bedroom with two glasses and a bottle of red wine.

"Reddington would die if he saw us drinking wine out of juice glasses," Liz chuckled.

"When I was in Eastern Europe for a time," Ressler said as he placed the glasses down on their dresser and poured them a good glass. "This was all they used. There weren't wine glasses. I think they're a western thing."

"Probably," Liz said as she took a glass he offered, and they clinked. "What movie?"

"We don't need a movie," Ressler said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "I don't know how much longer you will be here…"

"As long as you and Agnes need me," Liz said as she placed a hand on his arm. "Townsend is the least of my worries."

"Well, he should be the largest worry," Ressler said. "The sooner you finish with him the sooner Agnes and I can go home, and we can be a family."

"I want that too," Liz said. "But there are priorities besides Townsend now."

Ressler took a drink of wine and placed it on the nightstand and leaned in and kissed her passionately taking her wine from her hand as he did. She was surprised but responded after a moment. She thought after everything revealed today, sex would be the last thing on his mind.

After some kissing that made her body feel like jello, he started to remove her clothing piece by piece and soon she was on her feet, naked, and pressed up against the wall of their room while he made her body hum. She felt inundated with Ressler, his hands, his mouth, and his body were everywhere, and although he was considering her needs, he needed to control everything about this encounter. She gave herself over to him completely, letting him call every shot, make every decision, decide every move, position, need, desire, and want.

It was similar to the beginning of their relationship when he liked to be in control, and she was happy to relinquish it. She understood the need he had for that, back then. She had been hot and cold with him for years, they'd stepped into romantic territory a couple of times and she'd stepped back; hurting him in the process. So, when she finally wanted a relationship with him that was romantic and sexual, and was 100% in, he needed to be in charge. She had controlled their relationship up until they got naked, and he got to control it when they were naked.

After a couple of months together, it had evened out, and they shared control in the bedroom, and he had been happy to share the outcome of their lovemaking with her. Their relationship deepened because of it and, Liz felt, they had landed on solid ground together. He was spending more time with her and Agnes, more nights staying over at her place, and they were in a good place with a sureness about the other person. She had been considering talking with him about moving in together when everything went to hell with Reddington and Townsend and they had landed where they were.

And where they were felt good, he and Agnes had, by virtue of the situation, got very very close. She and he had discussed a myriad of topics that a long-distance relationship naturally leant itself to that day-to-day happenings always got in the way of. And now, just as she worried he would pull away, he was coming closer, re-establishing what they had in his own way.

And today he needed to take back control, to know he could, that she would allow it, that he could be something other than the victim. She gave herself to him in every way and he took full advantage, making her feel alive, like a fine-tuned instrument, desired, and like the woman he worshipped. It was such an overwhelming experience she almost lost consciousness at one point and had to will herself to stay with him in the moment.

Hours later, they both lay flopped on their bed, a sweaty, satiated, pile of naked limbs, their breathing finally evening and words finally coming back to them.

"That was…" Liz huffed and didn't finish, unable to get her brain to find the word she wanted.

He swallowed hard and nodded. "I can't…"

"I don't know which body parts are yours and which is mine," Liz chuckled softly as she clambered to drink her untouched wine and wet her dry throat and then gave up when it was too far away.

Ressler reached his arm behind him and grabbed a glass off the nightstand and held it out for her.

"I'm not sure I can sit upright," Liz breathed heavily. "I mean seriously, I don't know if I can support myself."

Ressler chuckled softly and sat up leaning on his one elbow and took a drink of the wine before he sat up some more and looked down at her. They were tangled together quite a bit and he pulled one of his legs out from under her back and helped her sit up. She did, leaning her back against his now-bent leg for support.

"Thank you," she sighed as she reached for the glass and sucked back the rest of the wine.

"Thirsty?" He asked her with a smirk.

She started to blush and handed him back the empty glass.

"We need water," Liz sighed before she flopped back down sideways on their bed toward his lap. He lay back down next to her and sighed.

"Give me a few minutes and I'll get us some," he said as he wiped at his mouth and brushed some sweat from his eyes.

"We also need a shower," Liz said as she used all of her effort to lift up her arm and place it across his thighs.

"Maybe in the morning," Ressler said as he turned and looked at their clock. "It's one in the morning, we'll wake up everyone with the loud pipes."

Liz nodded, thinking that she probably shouldn't say it, but some of the house may have been kept awake already by their activities; neither of them had been particularly quiet. Ken & Chuck's room was next to theirs and Dembe was across the hallway with Bianca and Claire's room next to his. Luckily Agnes and Reddington were down another hallway and probably too far away.

"I think we need to send some people for a nice dinner or something," Ressler said, his face, neck, shoulders and chest red. "The people we kept up tonight."

Liz nodded. She knew sexual activity was normal adult behaviour but sitting across the breakfast table with others yawning because they were listening to you was another story. He had recognized that they were less than discrete tonight as well.

"How are you?" Liz asked.

"Exhausted," he huffed.

"Ressler…"

He reached out a hand and patted hers as it sat on one of his thighs. "I'm good Liz, but I needed that. Thanks for indulging me."

"If that's indulging, I will indulge any time you ask," Liz said with a smile as she kissed his hip. "You needed to know you were good?"

"I needed to know…" Ressler started and then stopped.

She raised her head slightly and looked up at him.

"I needed to know how good it can feel, with someone you love, someone you trust, someone who…"

Liz quirked an eyebrow and felt tears stinging her eyes.

His eyes met hers and they were watery as well.

"Someone who won't hurt you," he finished.

Liz struggled to sit up, pushing down on his thighs to get herself upright. She looked down at him laying on their bed, vulnerable, and pulled herself up to his face and kissed him sloppily, wiping some tears or possible sweat from the side of his face in the process. She pulled back and leaned her forehead against his and looked into his striking blue eyes.

"You are always safe with me, to do or to be or to not be whoever or whatever you want," she said. "I will never ever hurt you."

She felt him nod slightly and she kissed him once more before she wrapped her arm across his chest and laid her head against his shoulder.

"I will always keep you safe," she said softly before she kissed the underside of his jaw. "And that's how you make me feel. Always safe. Always loved. Always important. I hope I do that for you."

He nodded. "You do."

She smiled against his skin.

They fell asleep without the water run or the blankets, both taking comfort in the presence of the other person, and weren't woken up until the morning when there was a pounding on their door and Agnes' voice yelling on the other side.

"Daddy, why is yours and mommy's door locked?"

To be continued…