Monday, 7 February 1977

"It just really bothers me that it's not a thing even though it should be a thing," Remus explained as he and Lena walked down the corridor.

Lena laughed. "Start a petition then."

"Who would sign it?"

"I would."

Remus smiled down at her. "Really? You would sign my petition that a hog with warts should be the official mascot of Hogwarts?"

Lena smiled up at him. "Anything for you."

Both of them turned pink.

"You know what else I would want to change?" Remus went on.

Lena grinned. "No, but tell me."

"Ravenclaw's mascot from the eagle to the raven. I mean, it makes no sense! Ravenclaw literally has the word raven in its name."

"Well, while we're on the subject of changing mascots, I think Gryffindor's mascot should be the griffin, not the lion."

"Fair enough. So what would Hufflepuff's mascot be instead of the badger?" Remus teased.

"…Something that huffs and puffs," Lena said hesitantly.

"Are you referring to the big, bad wolf from the three little pigs?"

"No. It would be a nice wolf."

"Really? Name one nice wolf."

"Easy. You."

Remus blushed. "Me?"

"Yes, you. I would gladly have you as my mascot."

Both of them blushed. Lena blushed even harder when Remus wrapped one of his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a side hug. Lena couldn't help but to smile as Remus kept his arm around her.

"Oh," Remus said suddenly. "I've got something for you."

The pair stopped walking in front of a window and, despite it being closed, Lena could feel the cold from outside.

"You did? What is it?"

"It's a gift."

"Why? Christmas already happened and my birthday's not for a while."

"Do I need a reason to give you a gift?" Remus said with a smile.

Lena returned his smile. "I suppose not and I'm not one to turn down a gift."

As he began to rummage around in his rucksack, Remus looked down, preventing Lena to see the blush adorning his face as he started to speak.

"I felt terrible when I missed our study session last night because of, as James' likes to put it, my furry little problem."

"Remus, I told you not to feel bad about that."

"I know, but I do. And I want to be there for you even when I can't," Remus said and presented a small, rectangular box to her.

Lena smiled at him softly and looked into Remus' green eyes. His words meant so much to her, more than he would ever know.

"Thank you," she said. The happiness was evident in her voice for anyone listening to detect as she looked at Remus. "You didn't have to though."

Lena looked down at the box she had opened and her heart dropped. Remus had gotten her a pen. It was a beautiful golden pen, but it was a pen all the same. Lily's words from the other day echoed in her mind. 'He only likes this girl as a friend. I mean, what guy buys a pen for the girl he has a crush on?'… He only sees me as a friend.

Lena kept smiling, but it didn't quite meet her eyes like it did moments before. She didn't want Remus to think she was upset, even though she was. Lena kept looking at the pen to examine it, but she couldn't. Her vision had gotten too fuzzy. "Thank you so much, Remus. I love it."

Remus looked at her and knew something in Lena's demeanor had changed. A pen was a rather disappointing gift, he supposed.

Remus laughed nervously, trying to salvage the good thing they had together not long ago. "The pen does more than just write."

"It does?" Lena said. She hoped the curiosity in her voice would mask the dejection. It didn't.

Remus swallowed. "Yeah… so, if you tap the pen twice, the pen will start reading aloud, but only you'll hear it. It's a bit like headphones, except without wires. And if you want the pen to read out loud, just tap it three times. And when you want it to stop, just tap the pen four times."

Lena, still clutching the pen in her right hand, flung her arms around Remus' neck and held on to him tightly. In return, Remus wrapped his arms around her, with one hand resting on the back of her head and the other on the middle of her back.

The scent of apples from Lena's shampoo floated into his nose. He could hear the mixture of emotions, both happiness and sadness— the latter emotion troubling Remus, in her voice as she whispered into his ear, "Thank you."

"I thought if you ever needed to read something and I wasn't there to help you, you could use it. And you can use it to read questions for exams and stuff like that to save time. And you don't just have to use it for school. You can use it whenever you want to, reading for leisure and…" Remus trailed off. "I, um, charmed it so you can't lose it. And I'm sorry that it only speaks in my voice. I wasn't sure how to change it."

"No, this is… the most thoughtful present I've ever gotten… from anyone… And I like your voice. And it'll be like you're there with me even when you're not."

Remus kept holding her. If he let go of her and she looked at him, she would no doubt see from the color of his face and the emotion in his eyes how much her words affected him.

Lena was too afraid to blink. She knew if she did, a waterfall of tears would begin to pour from her eyes.

Lena slowly dropped her arms from Remus' neck.

Remus reluctantly let his arms drop in response.

Lena wasn't sure how, but she managed to look Remus in the eyes. "Thank you so much, Remus."

Remus smiled. "Anything for you."

Lena opened her mouth and was surprised by the words that fell out.

"I've gotta pee."

What?

"What?"

"I've got to pee. I'll see you soon, Remus," Lena said.

"See you soon," Remus said.

He had the urge to follow the brown haired girl down the corridor and find out what was wrong. But maybe she didn't want him around her. And even if it wasn't what he wanted, he wanted Lena to get what she wanted.

Lena crawled under her covers as soon as she got back to her empty dorm room and began to sob.

Lena didn't know what to think or how to feel. Her mind was racing at speeds she didn't know were possible. She never imagined such a kind and thoughtful gift from Remus would make her feel so confused and lost. The second she saw the pen, the small amount of hope she had about dating Remus vanished. Guys don't get girls that they have romantic feelings for pens as gifts according to Lily Evans and pretty much everyone else at Hogwarts. Lena had not been emotionally prepared to get confirmation from her crush that he didn't reciprocate her feelings without her even having to ask how he felt.

Even as she as her hope flew from her body upon seeing the pen, Lena couldn't help but feel some joy. Remus cared enough about her to go out of his way to get and give her something for some reason.

She was somehow both heartbroken and flattered at the same time. She didn't think she could get any more confused. She was wrong, though.

Remus told her why he had gotten her the pen and what it did. He made her heart somehow float back to where it was before it sunk into the pit in her chest. And as soon as the hope reentered her, it left her body once again. What if Remus didn't just get me the pen to help me when he couldn't be there, but so he didn't have to be with her to help? Maybe the pen was a way for Remus to no longer help me without him having to tell me he doesn't want to help? Maybe Remus didn't want to spend any more time with me because he found someone else much better than me that he'd rather spend time with?

Lena was sure that it wasn't Remus' intention to give her a gift that could confuse her so greatly and hurt her so much. Knowing that didn't stop Lena from being confused and hurting though.

Perhaps Lena was overthinking everything and things were not as bad as they seemed to her. But that possibility did not occur to her.

After all, people always think the worst about themselves.

Lena reached into her pocket and pulled out the object that was causing such emotional turmoil.

If anyone saw her right now, they would think she's a fool and Lena would not disagree with them. She was crying over a pen for Merlin's sake. To anyone else, the pen was simple and ordinary. But to Lena, the pen was complex. The pen was a symbol, although one that she was still debating what it meant. Was it the end of a friendship or the strengthening of a friendship? And the pen was beautiful to Lena. Not because it was sleek and gold, though. It was beautiful because it was from Remus and Lena though everything related to Remus was beautiful.

Lena ran her finger over the pen and felt something catching against the pad of her finger.

Lena brought the pen closer to her face and squinted at the pen.

Remus had engraved the pen with the phrase "roads go ever ever on."

She knew that phrase so well. She had circled and underlined it at least a dozen times in the copy of The Hobbit she gifted Remus. She had written what it meant to her, how it encouraged her. And because she had written all those things, he knew what it meant to her. And he had gone and gotten it engraved on a pen for her.

Remus wasn't even trying and he was making her love him more, even if he was breaking her heart at the same time.