Catra shook out her hands, trying to regain her breath as she walked away from the shop. Her mind felt cloudy, and she continued to flex and relax her fingers before finally shoving them into her jacket pockets just for something to do. It was far too early to go to work and also too early for her to be awake in general. Catra groaned. She was exhausted and hadn't slept well but there was absolutely zero chance of falling asleep now and therefore no use in going back home.

Instead, she wandered the streets of Seattle, grabbing a coffee from a local spot and wondering if Adora would want coffee as well. She blushed. She wouldn't be going back to the shop today. Or maybe ever, She tried not to think it but the thought strung itself through her mind and tugged. Her heart seemed to tug with it. Adora doesn't want you. She's never wanted you. "Please shut up," Catra said to herself. She bumped into someone and ignored them when they yelled "hey!" at her. She was too distracted to think and turned off the main road, walking up across the street and away from the cars. The pavement gave way to grass and Catra strode up a long hilly path in front of her, arriving at a spot she liked very much. She had wandered into a park absent mindedly and found a high hill that she knew had a bench at the top that overlooked the city. She hadn't intended to walk here but she needed a break from the public eye and was content to find herself facing a stretch of silence instead of people. She needed to think.

Catra strode up the hill and collapsed onto the bench, leaning her head back against the wood side. Her legs were stretched out into the dirt and her arms were extended out, so she took up every inch of the bench just in case someone tried to come "sit with her". She grimaced at the thought. Unless it was Adora, Catra thought. She groaned again. To say she had been waiting a long time for that kiss would be the understatement of the century, but now as it started to settle in, nerves took its place. It had been so long that Catra had come to terms with the idea that it would never happen. In fact, she had built the past 4 years around it, even telling herself that she could be happy with someone else. And yet, here she sat. Catra wondered how long she had really wanted this and wondered if there was even a moment to put it too. All that came to mind was the day they met.

Adora had been seated awkwardly in a circle of crying adults when Catra sat next to her. They were just two teens trying to understand grief in a magnitude so heavy it should have shut out every light in their bright young eyes. Catra though, had never dealt with sadness in that way. Death was terrible but expected and Catra felt she had no choice but to live on. She missed her mother every day and probably always would but the sadness, even in her child state, had buried itself in her and started to sprout as an angry seed in her belly. No one cared if Catra dealt or didn't deal with her emotions and her "father" had signed her up for grief counseling merely as a way to avoid her going to him. Not that she had any intention of going to him in the first place. So, Catra sulked in, annoyed and angry at the world. She remembered feeling like she had crossed a point of no return. With no one to care for her and no care for the world, she felt most alive being a menace to society, starting with the grief group. Then, she had sat next to Adora, just a mere coincidence Catra would say, although that wasn't entirely the case.

Catra looked Adora over, keeping her face one of mild disinterest. Still, she wanted to sit next to the pretty, happy blonde who sat up stark straight and listened intently to the other's while never speaking herself. Out of pure interest and an unintelligible pull, Catra took the seat beside her. Adora smiled at her, and Catra felt something tighten in her chest. It wasn't a pity smile like the other's but a real smile that still reached her eyes. Those eyes, Catra thought. Adora had these bright blue mesmerizing eyes, but that wasn't what caught Catra's attention that day. Adora's eyes, unlike Catra's, had a strong fight behind them. Adora was not done yet, not even close, and anyone who looked at her could see that. She was, somehow, still full of life. Jealousy filled young Catra. Why should this girl be happy when I will never be? What does she have that keeps her soul intact?

"Adora," The young blonde said, sticking a hand straight out towards the other. Catra couldn't help but smile back.

"Catra," She replied, although she didn't take the other's hand. Eventually, Adora realized she would never get a handshake and pulled her hand back to her lap, fiddling her fingers.

"So. Who died?" Adora asked. Catra looked at her and then around at the group. They hadn't started yet and people were milling about waiting for Mr. Hordak to walk through the door.

"Mother. You?"

"Father," Adora replied.

"Expected?"

"Sort of. Cancer. You?"

"Car crash," Catra replied. She looked over at Adora expecting to see her eyes fill with horror but Adora kept her face neutral, as if she knew that would be the correct response.

"Are they making you come here?"

"They?" Catra asked. Adora gestured to the abyss, looking at every single adult in the room with crazy eyes. Catra laughed despite herself and nodded.

"Me too," Adora smirked, "But who knows, maybe it'll be nicer with a friend."

Catra's ears perked up. "You don't want to be my friend," Catra's face shot Adora a warning look but Adora just crinkled her nose.

"I think I can decide that for myself, thanks. Unless of course you don't want one."

Catra thought for a moment and shook her head. "No, I guess a friend wouldn't be so awful." There was silence and Catra looked over just to make sure Adora had heard her. Adora was trying unsuccessfully not to smile as wide as she could. Catra blushed and turned away.

Adora didn't speak much at the meetings but Catra continued to sit beside her anyways over the next few weeks. Catra would bother her on occasion or make a joke and Adora would giggle at her side, feeding into it. Catra lived for these moments and found that when her father stopped pushing the therapy, she still went just to sit beside the blonde-haired beauty in the hopes of hearing a laugh escape her lips. Eventually, Adora invited her over and the rest was history. They were bonded for life. Even still, they both continued to sit with each other at each meeting, wanting and needing the support of each other to get through.

The man running the support group, Mr. Hordak, would watch them with a tight jaw that Catra loved to aggravate. He seemed to know this and specifically went out of his way to ask Catra to speak on her lowest days when she felt like her fight to live was becoming pointless. Adora would reach over and hold her hand and Catra would look into her eyes and pretend she too had the kind of resilience that was built up in her friend. When she did speak it was short and to the point, with little regard for the true emotions stirring in her chest. "Tell us what you are feeling today Catra," Mr. Hordak asked on this particular day, smiling at her like he knew today would be the day to push her buttons.

"Oh, I feel a lot of things," Catra started. Her arms were crossed tightly across her chest and she refused to move, keeping her body in her usual position of disinterest, "My head hurts, mostly from the alcohol I consumed last night."

Mr. Hordak did not feed into this despite Catra raising an eyebrow expectantly. Around her a few of the adults murmured that Catra was far too young to be drinking. Mr. Hordak waited for silence before moving forward.

"Why were you drinking?"

The question was unexpected and caught Catra off guard. She had been expecting a lecture as one always gets when they drink underage. "Well, I had to clean out our attic yesterday and I found a case of beer. Warm but what can you do."

"Why were you cleaning out the attic?"

Catra froze and felt her grip tighten on her arms. "My… guardian wanted me to get rid of some things."

"What things?"

"Lots of things," Catra rolled her eyes as if this answered the question.

"Anything of your mother's?"

"Just her old guitar," Catra said, hearing the words tumble out of her mouth. She tried to make it sound casual, but her eyes cast down to the floor. Silence filled the circle, but Catra didn't say more. Mr. Hordak waited patiently. Adora too was looking at her. Catra tried not to flush.

"Did you?"

"What?"

"Get rid of the guitar?"

"Of course not," Catra spat back. She thought she saw a hint of a smile appear on the man's face.

"Why not?"

"Because… it was my mother's," Catra said, shaking her head as if it was obvious. Silence again fell on the group.

"Did she play often?" He asked at last.

Catra looked up at him in surprise but then hid it, returning her face to a normal bored expression. She shrugged like she couldn't remember or didn't care. A fleeting memory passed through her brain of a tall tan woman flipping her long dark hair around as she strummed the electric guitar. She was smiling brightly while a tiny Catra clapped her hands to the music. Catra swallowed and pushed the thought from her mind. Adora placed a hand on her back and Catra was reminded of where she was. She smiled at the other.

"Well, she sure isn't playing now," Catra said finally, smiling.

"I bet she was a great musician," Adora added, seeing Mr. Hordak shaking his head at Catra. Catra sat still but did not disagree. "I bet you will be too," Adora added. Catra gave her a puzzled expression and Adora shrugged. "Aren't tortured artists the best kind?"

"Adora," Mr. Hordak said loudly. Catra giggled, giving Adora a shove on the arm. Adora shoved her back.

"Girls, please. Girls. GIRLS."

The memory faded away.

Catra opened her eyes. She was still seated on the bench, looking out over the city. She was surprised to find tears falling down her cheeks and suddenly felt very alone. She wiped at them and sipped at her coffee, trying to return to her normal state. "I can't lose her," Catra said aloud, "Not again." She looked up at the clouds, as if waiting for her mother to agree or disagree. She took a deep breath and then shook her head, laughing. She was a risk-taker and always had been. She had lost Adora before and survived. She could do it again. "I lost you and survived. Barely," Catra added, peering up at an especially large cloud rolling in. She was grateful that the rain had stopped while she walked but now she wondered if it would start pouring again. She didn't really care either way. Catra stayed seated. "You would have loved Adora though," Catra said. She was surprised to hear the longing in her voice, "But I guess you know. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just talking to a cloud." Catra crinkled her nose at the dark cloud and shrugged. "She kissed me, ya know?" She raised her eyebrows and shook her head proudly. She thought that would make her mother laugh. "Oh and what a kiss it was."

Catra's memory of this morning came flooding back into her mind. Of Adora's hands clutching at her and pulling their lips together. She had tasted like mint and smelled like flowers. Catra had tried to control herself. She had just wanted to be close to Adora, to smell her hair and touch her cheek. How was she to know Adora would touch her back? That she would pull her to her. When Adora looked at her expectantly it took all the self-control in Catra's body not to throw Adora down on the desk in that instant. Catra felt her heart racing in her chest thinking of Adora's teeth lightly biting on her lip. Catra's heartbeat seemed to travel to her stomach now and she took a breath. Her hands itched to be tied up in Adora's hair and pulling their mouths together, showing Adora what a real kiss felt like.

Catra sighed and opened her phone and then shut it. She reopened it two more times and then locked it again. No, Catra decided. She couldn't text Adora now, this would have to wait. How long, she did not know, but it had to wait. She had too much to say. Begrudging, Catra shoved her phone back into her jeans and went back to leaning against the bench with her arms crossed. As much as Catra wanted to treat this with indifference and restraint, that wasn't going to be possible with Adora. She pictured Adora looking her over and telling her how mature she was now and how Adora had never noticed before. Catra smiled at her fake scenario and added in a part where Adora complimented her guitar skills in there as well. Oh, and scratched her head. Catra nodded in approval. She looked up to the clouds and raised an eyebrow. "If you could only see me now," She jested.

She sat there for a long time, thinking over Adora but also going back into her memories after that day in group counseling. Of course, Catra had ultimately decided to keep her mother's guitar. In fact, right now it sat in its case in Catra's room, waiting to be taken on stage at the next show. It was like a secret that she shared with her mother. A place for them both on the stage. Adora was the only person who knew the history of that guitar for years. Eventually, Bow had learned it too. Now it was common knowledge for the band and something Catra considered sacred in her musical growth.

Their last bassist, who they nicknamed Shadow, had once told Catra that it was time for her to get a new guitar and looked the instrument over in disgust. It was old and battered but it played like a dream and Catra's newly bandaged anger had ripped open in that moment. Catra remembered stomping over to her, sticking a finger out and stabbing the bassist in the chest. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about," Catra had said, ready to leave it at that but then Shadow laughed.

"You mean that you're too poor to buy another one? Yeah, I think we all know that," She teased. Scorpia's eyes went wide, and Bow covered his eyes, making a sound of disagreement. Catra's eyes must have gleamed with joy and anger in one. She hated Shadow, had hated her from day one and was hungrily looking for a fight. Adora's absence had left a small hole in Catra's heart at the time and Catra wanted nothing more than to itch at the injury. Shadow gasped when she saw Catra jump at her and Catra watched the fear in Shadow's eyes as she was slammed into the ground. The fight had been brief, but successful. Catra's long nails ripped at Shadow's cheek, causing a satisfying howl of pain from the bassist. Scorpia finally pulled Catra off of her and the bassist had turned on them all, calling Catra a lunatic while blood poured from scratches across her face. Catra, in turn, had told Shadow to get the hell out and never return. She later heard that Shadow's face required stiches and tried not to seem too happy about the overall situation while she continued strummed on her mother's guitar.

Catra covered her face at the memory. She hoped she'd never have to share that memory with Adora. Or any memories from that first year without her. It was all too much. She chewed on her nail. As tough as she seemed, loss affected her worse than others. The loss of a friend, a mother, a lover. Catra felt her eyes stinging again and growled in annoyance as she wiped them away. She would not lose someone else. She couldn't bear it. And yet, she always did survive. Even when her heart was broken into pieces. "What do I do, mom?" Catra asked. The clouds moved silently above her and then a great gust of wind pushed Catra's hair so it was flying every which way, even while it was stuck up in a ponytail. Catra laughed at the timing and tried to flatten down her hair. "I don't know what that means but you're going to ruin my look!" Catra grumbled. And then, as quickly as it started, the wind faded away and the sun shined down through a peak between dark clouds. Catra smiled, feeling something stir in her chest.