Chapter 33
Having not the sense to be dissuaded by one refusal, Mr. Collins thus made his way to Netherfield Park on the advice of his fair cousin. A twenty thousand pound dowry was a prize indeed. Enough to brave even Lady Catherine's displeasure at his bride not being a gentlewoman by birth. As much as he sought approval from his patroness, the lure of becoming a gentleman all the sooner quite overcame him, the temptation was too much.
Being shown into the breakfast room, Mr. Collins, not waiting to be properly announced, instead announced his own stupidity.
"Dear Miss Bingley, I have, at your urging, proposed to my fair cousin Elizabeth, just this morning" declared Mr. Collins.
All three faces turned to him, two in confusion and horror and one in glee. Darcy couldn't understand why this man was declaring his intentions for Elizabeth in Bingley's breakfast room. Was there a conspiracy with Miss Bingley? Surely Elizabeth would refuse such a fool. Though with a mother such as hers she may be forced into matrimony, he realized. Darcy knew not what the father would do. As Darcy began to panic and worry about what could be done, Collins continued on.
"Miss Elizabeth, who assured me of all sincerity when she thus rejected me thrice, just this morning, has recommended I come to offer you my hand, my dear Miss Bingley."
"Mr. Collins, you can't be serious!" declared Miss Bingley, appalled and believing just his presence in her breakfast room depreciated her very respectability.
"Your modesty does you credit madam. I assure you, I think you are not so far beneath me that you are thus irredeemable. Though not as handsome as my fair cousin, nor born to the station in which you aspire, such as my fair cousin is..."
"Mr. Collins You cannot believe the words you utter! To imply Eliza Bennet compares with me. Your audacity is astounding sir, to presume you could prose to me." interrupted Miss Bingley, not entirely sure what the greater offense was, Mr. Collins proposing, or Mr. Collins implying she compared unfavorably with Eliza Bennet, of all people. The sheer audacity of this man! It was now her turn to stare in horror. How could he compare her to a country nobody and one with no fashion or dowery, or decorum at that, one who traipsed about in mud puddles, and had not proper formal education?
Darcy, having had quite enough of Miss BIngleys mocking the Bennets, thought it may do her some good to hear the reality of her own situation in comparison to the ladies she so enjoyed looking down upon and kept himself silent, oddly amused at the spectacle now that he knew Elizabeth was safe from that fool.
Bingley, who was about to interrupt, to avoid the scene he knew would ensue, promptly shut his mouth in confusion when Mr. Collins said "Had I not heard your own exhortations in the virtues of being married to me I might believe you to be in earnest. However, having so publicly declared your affections for me, I could only come and offer for you after receiving the wise counsel and rejection of my fair cousin."
Mr. Collins continued "Though your modesty is commendable, only adding to your virtues, your jealousy of my gentle cousin does you no credit madam. It is she who is to set the example for you, as your family was recently in trade, you could not believe me to be a fine match for my cousin, while inferior to you. For this reason, though, I must forgive you, as it only proves the violence of your affections for me. Nor am I insensible to the humiliation that your delicate feminine sensibilities must have suffered when learning I had proposed to another, but you must know, you must be sensible to the fact she is a far better match because of her station, you could not have declared me to be an excellent match for my cousin, who is a gentlewoman by birth and has been fostered on the very estate I am to inherit, without feeling for yourself the shame of your family's lower station in life."
"Though to that, your ties to trade, I am perfectly indifferent, and shall make no demand on you, to pass for a woman genteel by birth in the first years of our marriage, since I am well aware that it could not be complied with; and that only through gentle guidance from myself and my dear patroness, may you someday resemble the station to which you currently aspire, and quit the garish tastes that so mark you as new money, which Lady Catherine abhors.
I should not have the courage to offer for you if it weren't for the kind condescension of my patroness Lady Catherine DeBourgh, who always condescends to offer her advice and counsel to those most deserving, who offered me this particular advice and recommendation. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford—between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh's footstool, that she said, 'Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake; and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.' "
Thus Miss Bingley, having been rejected by my fair cousin who ensured me that her father would not force her, though her mother will be greatly vexed, I have come to you, my duty having been discharged to my cousin, for you have not been brought up to high, given your roots in trade, I suppose you may even be of some benefit in the kitchens, and through the wisdom and guidance of my dear patroness, you will someday be molded into the very kind of woman who can be a credit to myself and my parish at Huntsford, and someday may even be suitable to follow Mrs. Bennet as the mistress of Longbourn, pillar of this community. Though if you are not yet prepared when that sad day comes, I suppose she may condescend to instruct you, even in her grief, for the sake of the good name of her previous title. Though you will, of course, be expected to make some adjustment to your dress most immediately, as my dear patroness, has, on several occasions, advised me on the importance of the distinctions between ranks, your current costumes will not do, though, in this I trust my wise cousin may advise you, so to spare you Lady Catherine's displeasure."
Mr. Darcy, being well aware of Lady Catherine's officious interference, thought he may finally have found a good use for it. The thought of Miss Bingley being heaved about by Lady Catherine's whims and directions, was, in his mind, nothing less than justice. Though he could not like himself for the thought, he could easily forgive himself for it when his thoughts roamed to Miss Bingley's behaviors. How dare she provoke a suitor to propose to Elizabeth? She could have caused a situation Elizabeth would suffer from for the rest of her life. It was nothing if not cruel and erased any hope Miss Bingley may have had at garnering his sympathy at her current affliction. Besides, Bingley was hardly cruel, however deserving of it she was, he would not force his sister into matrimony to remove the burden of her behavior from his household.
Miss Bingley was speechless, with both shock and rage at the insult, giving Mr. Collins license to continue.
"And now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection which I transferred to you almost immediately upon being rejected by Miss Elizabeth, in her wisdom, while I was on my way here, being so induced by all that recommends you."
"You cannot believe I would accept you, sir!," declared Miss Bingley, still in shock and horror, still perceiving it an insult that he would even ask, her arm still in the attitude it was when Mr. Collins entered, so frozen was she in shock, that a spoon was still suspended halfway to her mouth.
"I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept when he first applies for their favor; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long after you bring yourself to forgive my previous proposals."
Darcy, having been at the other end of her insincere flattery, could thus see the justice in her vexation and determined he would not intervene. He had put up with her advances more than the three times Mr. Collins was threatening, and her attentions had endured for years as she was unwilling to be discouraged.
"I won't tolerate another proposal sir, I will not hear it. I suggest you make your addresses to your eldest cousin, as your family cannot presume that any here have intentions towards her. She is merely an amusement while we are in the country, though I dare say you may see me in Kent as I have reason to believe I may visit as family.' she declared, looking at Darcy, intimating they were practically engaged.
"My fair cousin, Jane, is now without prospects?" Collins caught the inference that Jane was available, and particularly noted the designs on Darcy, he bowed swiftly, to take his leave at once, it occurred to him should write forthwith to inform his patroness, as that woman presumed she would be Mrs. Darcy enough to declare it publicly.
He couldn't believe his luck. He was already out the door, determined to make haste. Miss Jane Bennet, by far the most beautiful, and possessed a far more docile spirit than her sister, and would be his. His desire for Miss Bingley's dowry waned with the revelations of her temperament and his desire for his fairest cousin increased with her newly unattached state, as she had been previously unavailable to him, making the endeavor all the more a delight.
Gathering himself, Darcy spoke rather coldly, in a low, calculated voice that missed Mr. Collins ears as he departed, 'You do so at the risk of your own reputation madam, for I will never offer for you, nor have I encouraged you, I've but tolerated your company because of your brother.'
Ignoring Mr. Collins taking his leave, Charles, coming to his senses, the shock wearing off, shouted, for perhaps the first time in his life "What are you about Carolina, implying that I'm trifling with Miss Bennet, and to her family of all people? I must off to Longbourn and correct this, but Caroline, I insist on speaking with you when I return."
Charles called for his horse, Darcy exited to the garden in quite a state. Miss Bingley sank in her chair, wondering where it had all gone wrong. Just yesterday she was Darcy's first choice as a dance partner and Eliza Bennet was sure to marry Mr. Collins. Truly insensible to her own failures, Caroline sat there for quite some time rather baffled and unable to plot her course for the threatened meeting with her brother. She knew not what to think as he had never attempted to correct her before.
Dear Reader, I hope you laughed as hard as I did while I wrote this? What was your favorite part? Which insult to Carolina did you find funniest?
What do you guys think will happen when Bingley gets to Loungbourn? Is Mr. Collins threatened proposal enough of a fire under Bingley's rear end?