Notes: I cleaned the previous chapter up a bit to give some insight into the internal panic that caused Darcy to blurt his proposal and a few other things. Many of you noted the absence of the Colonel, but the events since chapter 30 all happened in one morning, though I've been posting them over several days (as I could proofread them). We'll see where he as been soon enough, though there is a hint at the end of the ball scene. I think it feels longer than it's been in the story because of that. One or two of you (It may be the same person) expressed concern I'm not planning the character arcs and it's turned into a farce that should be stand alone or one shots. That's not the case though, I've been planning each chapter to lead up to this point of epic meltdown, thinking through what could cause Bingley to propose earlier and make Darcy's arguments irrelevant (but I still wanted them to have some angst and a story of their own), Darcy and Elizabeth's argument has been brewing since Neitherfield, that's why I spent so many chapters on his reaction to Mrs. Bennet. I thought they still had a lot to work out after their initial argument and meant to address it, as their temperaments are quite different from Charles and Jane. I've also spent a lot of time isolating characters in canon, reading just the parts that pertain to them, to make their reactions to the changed circumstances believable. I understand how it's easy to confuse stories with other ones though when you're following multiple WIPs. Though I flatter myself to think (a nod to Mr. Collins) that my voice is distinctive enough that it shouldn't be too easily confused with other stories. If you want a smarter Mrs. Bennet, I'm not for you. I can't find a place where she behaved sensibly in canon, though some of her fears were sensible her reactions were not. Though I've stopped to read the posted story through several times, perhaps I need to pause and do so again? Do you think the story could have benefited from an extra chapter somewhere? Perhaps, in the beginning? I know that jumped right into conflict at Lucas Lodge and then some comic relief in Mr. Bennet's study. Should I add a prologue that sets the story up? I just assumed up until the assembly everyone would know the story very well and didn't want the audience to have to read through a repeat that sumerizes canon persisely. Thoughts?
Chapter 37
Darcy fled Longbourn with twice the vehemence he had fled the first time, he had never abused his horse with such speed, but there was nothing to be done for it, he had to run, he had to attempt to outpace his feelings and the thoughts haunting his grief. He could not outrun his musings though, they hammered his conscience with each stride.
She was to marry another, and there was nothing to be done about it, as she would not have him. That was all Darcy could think as he climbed the steps to Netherfield two at a time and quit the house in a manner so abrupt that it fit Bingley's persona far better than it fit his own. He dared not take his leave of Miss Bingley and hardly felt it owed to her. Instead, he left a message with the housekeeper to inform his cousin and his friend.
Darcy couldn't fathom how he would ever dull the pain he was in. He had paced the garden that morning considering all that argued against such a match, but it came to this, he couldn't bear the thought of her marrying another. How could he endure it? He may have believed her safe from his aunt's erratic clergyman, but someday she would find someone and say yes, she offered too much to a man of sense to remain unattached. If he did not act it would not be him. How could he marry another with his feelings for her? It would wrong her, it would wrong him, it would wrong another wife. He was decided. He saddled his horse and rode to Longbourn.
He had never considered that he may arrive too late, finding her already attached to Mr. Collins. Her family must have worked on her while Mr. Collins' was absent that morning. How had she known of his interference with her sister? He knew not the answer, but it hardly signified, she had a right to her anger. He would be equally unforgiving if his sister's hopes for happiness were so abused. She was angry enough to marry such a man instead of a gentleman who would save her family and raise her station.
Why had he done her such a wrong? Neither of the Bennet sisters had deserved it. Though he didn't fully realize it at the time, he realized it now. He was running away from his feelings for her, trying to convince himself the match could not be made, he was trying to keep himself from doing something foolish, and did the most foolish thing he could have done - lost her good opinion, which was the only one worth earning too him. It was too late now in hindsight, she hated him, and all he could do was repent it. Had he so easily forgotten the lessons she had earlier taught him? Did he really think she would accept him merely because it was his wish?
He felt for himself, but he felt for her all the more. To spend a lifetime with such a man. Her liveliness and intellect would surely be wasted on him. What would marriage to Collins do to her in a year, or five, or 10? What would be left of his Elizabeth after being a wife to such a man? Would anything remain that made her so spectacular? Surely not the light that glittered in her eyes, that could not survive such hardship. Would it all waste away? Would she be able to hide something of herself and bring it out for those who would appreciate it? Would her laugh survive, though she may seldom find occasion for it?
How would he endure seeing her on his visits to Rosings? As much as it would hurt to see her happy it would hurt far more to see her a shadow of her former self. The thought of watching her, knowing that God had created someone that was so much more, yet the circumstances of life removed everything that made her unique, her circumstances failing to support all that she could have been, and fostered instead merely a desire to endure, replacing all else in her temperament.
Who could she have become if she had someone to challenge her intellect and give her mind free reign? A woman like that deserved every resource to bloom into everything God had called her to be. With her compassion and kindness, she could make a significant difference in the tenant's lives and make a true difference through charitable causes. Elizabeth wasn't somebody who would merely donate what was expected from her; she would throw her whole heart into it, come to know the people she served, and find ways to improve their lives.
Given the right resources, a woman like that could change lives for generations. But what could she do? Who could she be as that man's wife? Collins had no appreciation for the intricacies which made her such a rare gem.
He knew his aunt would take offense at her impertinence. He imagined his aunt droning on with her instruction and her demands, and imagined Elizabeth's future husband eating up every word of her reproofs. Lady Catherine's desire to be deferred to in all things would put constant pressure on her husband to reform her. He couldn't imagine Mr. Collins standing up for her, being the husband she deserved, or even having the sense to see the injustice in it. He couldn't countenance Elizabeth living such a life. She deserves so much more! And he would give it to her if she would just have him. But she was clear, she would not have him. He knew she may never regret turning down his proposal, but he also knew she would forever regret accepting Mr. Collins. Yet it did not matter, it was done.
But something must be done. But no, there was nothing to be done. Once the engagement became public knowledge, which could not be long, her mother would make quick work of it, it couldn't be broken without a severe scandal. Such a scandal, her family had not the consequence to weather for long. Such a scandal may prevent the younger girls from marrying respectably, even with Bingley as a brother. There was no way she would be free to break the engagement. It seemed like a chasm of agony and hopelessness had opened and Darcy felt it could swallow him, almost wished it would swallow him. He felt the depth of agony all the way to London and found no reprieve when he arrived.