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A/N: Set in Season 3:14
Spencer felt a little guilty that his first reaction to hearing that Haley had left Hotch was joy and a mixture of smugness and almost painful hope that maybe now he had a chance to try to be happy. Of course, even though he'd kept his thoughts and feelings to himself and he didn't think Hotch had noticed, he paid for that reaction dearly over the next few months as he watched Hotch grieve from a distance without being able to help. Hotch hadn't looked for or even accepted any comfort or understanding from him, and he hadn't even hinted at wanting to make an overture to move their working relationship towards friendship or something more now that he was free to do so. Spencer had tried to be supportive only to have his efforts brushed off and Hotch be even more strictly professional whenever he was around.
Spencer felt his hopes fade only realising once he felt the pain and disappointment how much he really had been wanting and hoping for things to change between them.
-o0o-
Spencer didn't know who arranged that he and Hotch go together to Connecticut to interview Chester Hardwick the week before he was to be executed, or who had made the decision that they would drive together rather than fly. He was anxiously hopeful as they left Quantico that it was the first overture for Hotch in getting to know him better and that they'd spend the hours in the car in friendly light conversation even if Hotch didn't seem interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him. Instead, they travelled down the interstate in tense silence, Spencer tried to talk but even as socially unaware as he usually was, he couldn't miss the fact that Hotch just wasn't listening to him.
Of the current team, Hotch was usually the best at putting up with his rambling, Morgan and Elle could be pretty rude and hurtful about shutting him up sometimes and JJ, Garcia and more recently Emily, tried to be a little more diplomatic about it and changed the subject or told him they had to go somewhere. Hotch usually let him get it out of his system as long as it wasn't interfering with work, but he often wondered if that was because Hotch felt like it was his fault Spencer was so awkward in his presence or if he was just so good at shutting him out while pretending to listen that his chatter barely registered. Whatever it was he wasn't bothering to even pretend today. He clearly didn't want to be there with Spencer which was another blow to Spencer's already fragile ego and he had to force himself not to physically curl up and rock to try to protect himself from the emotional pain of more rejection.
-o0o-
"It was smart to get Hardwick to focus on himself until the guards came back" Aaron said as they drove away from the prison, feeling guilty that he'd put Spencer in that much danger and very impressed that the young genius had managed to talk their way out of it.
"I find that I do some of my best work under intense terror," Spencer replied, admitting his feelings in a way that made light of them so if Aaron didn't provide support it wouldn't make things too much more awkward and would hopefully hurt a little less.
"I'm sorry," Aaron said earnestly.
"For what?" Spencer asked. He told himself that Hotch was just apologising out of guilt that he'd put one of his team at risk even though that wasn't the apology he wanted to receive.
"I antagonized the situation," Hotch admitted.
"No you didn't" Spencer denied.
"I certainly didn't help," Hotch retorted.
"I guess you didn't really help," Spencer agreed. He wondered whether part of Hotch wanted to die today in that prison with him. If Hotch wanted the two of them to die together. Spencer didn't want to die, his life might be painful at times but he had things he wanted to live for but he'd read all the popular theories of what happened when soulmates died together, that they'd be together for eternity or be reincarnated together and if any of them were actually true he'd want to be with Hotch when he died. The problem was that there was no proof available either way and as a man of science he wasn't interested in believing in fairy-tales.
"So Haley wants me to sign the divorce papers uncontested, so nobody wastes money on lawyers," Hotch confided what had been troubling him all day. He thought Spencer deserved at least that much since it was his attitude spoiling for a fight that had prevented him from leaving Hardwick handcuffed that had put the younger Agent in so much danger in the first place, he deserved to know why. He'd profiled Hardwick as looking for trouble and had wanted the opportunity to have an excuse to beat the snot out of him.
"You don't want to?" Spencer asked, trying to be objective and help Hotch vent what he was upset about.
"What I want, I'm not going to get," Hotch said tersely.
Spencer clamped down hard on any feelings of pity or empathy.
"No I don't expect that either of us ever will, even now, but you'll get used to it. At least you have Jack," Spencer replied slightly bitterly. It seemed that even with Haley out of the picture Hotch still didn't want to try to be with him.
"A son who will grow up to resent me because I'm never there," Hotch replied, failing to even notice the pain in Spencer's voice.
"You do still intend to at least visit him? To try to be in his life and let him know that the divorce wasn't his fault?" Spencer demanded. He didn't know Jack at all and resented his existence but even though the child was part of what prevented Spencer from being happy, Jack didn't deserve the abandonment Spencer had suffered growing up.
"Of course, I will have every second weekend and dinner every Wednesday night when we're at home. You didn't think I would just abandon him?" Aaron replied insulted.
"You wouldn't be the first parent who walked away from his children as well as his wife when he called it quits on their marriage," Spencer said noncommittally.
"You never mention your father," Hotch said questioningly.
"There's nothing to mention, I haven't heard from him since he left when I was ten. I've no idea where he went or if he's even still alive," Spencer replied.
"I'm sorry Reid, you didn't deserve that," Hotch apologized.
"No kid does. But it turned out it was good preparation for the rest of my life," Spencer said. He was glad that Hotch at least seemed to understand that he didn't want to find the man.
Hotch flinched at that last comment but didn't think he wanted to pursue it.
"I'm sure Garcia could find him for you if you wanted her to," Aaron said.
It seems he'd relaxed too soon. "So that he could reject me again? No thank you. I've had more than enough of that in my life," Spencer retorted bitterly. He curled up and pretended to sleep before Hotch could accidentally say something even more hurtful.
-o0o-
"Ultimately uneventful," Spencer said when asked how the custodial had gone.
Morgan smiled hearing the words instead of noticing the heartbreak behind them. After the fight in the prison and Hotch bringing up the fact that Haley wanted a divorce and all but admitting that he was going to sign the divorce papers, Spencer tried to stop himself from hoping that this might be his time. He didn't expect Hotch to leap from his marriage directly into a romantic relationship with him but he had been optimistic that Hotch speaking to him about such personal matters would be the start of an opportunity for the two of them to get to know each other socially and at least build up a real friendship. But from Hotch's attitude during the rest of the trip home and the fact he hadn't contacted him at all over their days off he had to accept that it wasn't going to happen. Spencer berated himself for his foolish hopes. Of course, Hotch was just too upset to care who he was talking to. He obviously hadn't noticed or cared that he was speaking with his soulmate or that his words were hurting Spencer. He couldn't blame Hotch for being upset about the end of his marriage or the fact he wouldn't get to see Jack every day that they were home.
-o0o-
Season 3:16
Aaron was worried about Spencer's reaction to the case they were on, the younger man had been quieter than normal recently. (Actually since they'd come back from interviewing Chester Hardwick though Hotch had taken a while to notice and didn't realise the cause.) But something more seemed to be trpoubling him and instead of withdrawing he seemed angry and spoiling for a fight and earning himself a reprimand from Hotch before he drove one of the locals to reacting to his attitude with violence. It was odd that they knew the name of the unsub and their motivation for the killings right from the start of the case and were only there to try to work out where he was hiding and to try to save his innocent girlfriend from being killed in the crossfire of the angry sheriff's department who had lost two of their own. He knew Spencer was identifying with the teenager who had been pushed too far by the bullying at school and lack of support from the teachers or his father, but his behaviour was out of character for the young agent who normally tried to be as polite as he could to local law enforcement.
Aaron watched in horror as Spencer deliberately put himself in the way of the team's line of sight as he walked towards the unsub, unarmed trying to talk him into putting down the shot gun so he could see his girlfriend again and say a proper goodbye. He remembered Spencer's friend Ethan's warning from the year before that Spencer had been almost suicidally depressed even before he became addicted to Dilaudid and didn't believe that his life had value to anyone. He was seeing signs of similar behaviour and beliefs now and had no idea how to get Spencer the help he needed without putting his career at risk.
"You knowingly jeopardized your life and the lives of others. I should fire you. You're the smartest kid in the room, But you're not the only one in that room. You pull something like this again, you will be. Am I clear?" Hotch scolded Reid. Part of him wanted to take the young man into his arms and hug him to reassure himself that he really was there in front of him unharmed and to tell him how much the thought of him dying hurt Aaron. Another part of him wanted to physically shake some sense into him and make him promise never to deliberately put himself in so much danger again. Neither of these actions were appropriate for the superior/subordinate working relationship they had so he kept his unit chief mask firmly in place and reprimanded him as he would any other Agent in the same situation.
"Yes, sir. It won't happen again," Spencer said sombrely, resisting rubbing his chest. It hurt to be scolded by Aaron like that.
"Thank you," Aaron said. He could see that this whole case had been hard for Spencer and that being scolded wasn't helping but he wouldn't be doing his job if he didn't reprimand his agent.
"What were you thinking?" Aaron asked, hoping that Spencer would share how he was feeling as well or at least say something that would reassure him that Reid was still safe to be out in the field.
"I was thinking that that would have been the second time a kid died in front of me," Spencer admitted.
"You're keeping score, just like Owen," Hotch said disapprovingly. It was a dangerous habit to form.
"It was my turn to save one," Spencer said.
"It doesn't work like that," Hotch said wearily. That sort of thinking could be extremely counterproductive.
"It should," Spencer said sadly. He wondered how many more Owens he would have to face and knew he probably wouldn't be able to save them all.
"I know it's painful when the person you identify with Is the bad guy," Hotch said sympathetically, he had the same reaction with unsubs who had been badly abused as children by their parents.
"What's that make me?" Spencer asked, almost afraid of the answer. Owen's actions had made so much sense to him, if he hadn't had to protect his mother, he could have easily become desperate enough to become a school shooter or bomber.
"Good at the job," Aaron said lightly. Spencer was hurt by the almost dismissive response, but he knew he shouldn't be, Hotch was right empathising with Owen had helped him save the boy's life and he'd known for a long time now that Hotch only saw him as an agent.
"I know it's none of my business, but when we land, I think you should go and catch the rest of that movie," Aaron said walking off to sit with Dave.
Spencer looked at him in shock and hurt, realising that Aaron knew he was struggling and still didn't care enough to get involved even after last time. He would definitely need to attend a meeting that night, the only question was which one he needed more the NA meeting or the support group for rejected soulmates and if there was a way to get to both tonight. He also considered calling Ethan but he didn't want to worry his friend or drag him away from New Orleans if he could handle this himself.
-o0o-They were in Colorado chasing an unsub who was killing women named Sarah by stabbing them in the chest dozens of times until the skin where their soulmarks would have appeared was completely obliterated.
"What if you made a mistake. What if you already killed her?" Morgan asked.
"They weren't my soulmate," the unsub insisted.
"How could you know? None of them were old enough to have a soul mark yet, and now they never will," Morgan said sadly.
"They were the wrong Sarahs. They didn't understand me," the unsub replied.
"I find your view on soul mates extremely naive. Surely you know that having a matching name on your chest doesn't mean that you'll form an instant connection or that you're destined to live happily ever after together from the moment you meet?" Spencer said.
"They're your perfect match, nothing you do will drive them away. When I find her she will understand what I've done for her," the unsub replied.
"You're wrong. Not all soulmates even like each other, much less form a bond strong enough to ignore the fact that you're a monster who kills young girls," Reid retorted.
"One of them may have been your soul mate but they were so young and they grew up too sheltered. That's why the marks done manifest until a person turns thirty. It would take time for a woman to be able to understand a man like you. Any of those girls could have grown up to be your perfect match if you'd given them time," Morgan said.
No you're wrong!" The unsub yelled.
"I think it might have been this one," Morgan said pulling the gentlest looking photo in the pile. "She looks like she could find the kindness and caring in a man like you."
"No it can't have been. She was all wrong!" The unsub cried out, beginning to break. "My name wasn't in there!"
"Is that why you cut off the skin over her heart? You thought the name would be underneath it waiting to come out?" Morgan asked shocked. They'd profiled that he'd cut the skin away in anger that there wasn't a name written on it, not that he thought it might be hidden in the skin or underneath.
Unfortunately the unsub didn't confess his motives.
"There's never been a name under the skin of any of the women you killed. It doesn't work like that, the names not in there waiting to come out it appears when your soul is old enough to recognise its mate," Morgan said.
"You're wrong," the unsub yelled.
"No he isn't you've killed eight women, statistically four of them should have grown up to get a soul mark but you didn't find one because they're not there to find in girls that young," Spencer said.
"They didn't have soulmates," the unsub sobbed.
"No they weren't old enough yet but they might have grown up to have a soulmate. Now their soulmates will never know that they had one because they were killed before their time," Morgan said
"She loved the woods and campfires or open fires, she liked to burn things. She was a lot like you. I think she was the one," Spencer said pretending to read the file attached to the photo Morgan had picked. "You didn't give her a chance."
"He's right, you were too quick to judge, and you made a mistake. If I have a soulmate it's going to take more than four days for her to get to know me," Morgan said.
The unsub snatched up the photo and held it to his chest. "She was my soulmate and I killed her," he wailed.
"She was your soulmate and you stabbed her so many times, caused her so much pain. It must have been agony poor girl to suffer through all that knowing that the one who was supposed to love her more than anybody else in the world was the one hurting her," Spencer said empathetically.
"She looked so scared as I cut away the skin to find my name," the unsub mumbled.
"I'm sure she was. She expected you to protect her, to save her," Morgan said.
"Should we put the name Sarah Smith on our alert list? The soulmate of a killer like that would have to be a psychopath," Ashley asked.
"Psychopaths don't have soulmates. They aren't capable of loving another person," Morgan replied.
"Soulmates aren't always love matches. They could be the perfect work partner or best friend," Hotch said.
"You mean she could be the perfect killing partner?" Ashley asked.
"Or she could've been someone who would have been a good match for the man he was meant to be if he hadn't had a psychotic break," Spencer suggested.
"If she was his soulmate she would've been perfect for him and loved him either way," Ashley retorted.
"You're as naively deluded as the unsub when it comes to soulmates," Spencer said wearily.
Ashley took offence. "And you're a cynical pessimist," She retorted. "Just because you don't believe in the relationship between soulmates doesn't mean that I'm not right. I believe that they are a gift, and that the world would be a better place if we had a better way for soulmates to identify each other."
"We're your parents soulmates?" Spencer asked. He doubted they could've been, her father was a psychopath and wasn't capable of feeling love, no matter how well he managed to imitate affection.
"No neither of them had a soul mark," Ashley said. "That doesn't reduce the chance of me having one though. It's not genetically determined."
"No there is only a very slight increased probability of the child of soul mates having a soul mark, there's not even a significant decrease in the probability for people who don't believe in soul mates," Spencer agreed.
"No your chances of having a soulmate are the same as everybody else, but if you haven't grown up with a soulmate pair I can see where you might have an overly rosy idea of how it affects their relationship. No one person can be perfect for another all of the time. All couples have issues and disagreements, and are capable of hurting one another. Soul mates are no different," Hotch said.
"I don't believe you!" Ashley insisted. "Soul mates cannot hurt each other like that. Not without hurting themselves and without significant outside influence."
"Some people are cruel enough not to feel the emotional pain they inflict on their soulmate," Spencer replied. "Others are in so much pain themselves that the extra pain doesn't even register with them."
"You're lying," Ashley stated flatly.
"I'm not," Spencer said bluntly.
Ashley just stared at him in heartbroken disbelief.
"Why are you so sure soulmates could hurt each other like that?" Morgan demanded.
"Since in your view soulmates are perfect for each other and inevitably fall irrevocably in love then it can't have been my mother's fault that her soulmate left and never contacted us again. It must have been me that he couldn't stand the thought of even seeing ever again. I don't know what is so terrible about me that drove my father into leaving his soulmate. What do you think it was that was so horrendously wrong with me? Of course my soulmate ran in the opposite direction as well and managed to fracture a couple of my ribs, so there must be something. I'd understand if I was a psychopath but I'm fairly sure I'm not, I admit that I did daydream about poisoning the entire football team in my Senior year but I did manage to refrain even though they definitely deserved it, and I never thought about actually killing them just making their lives miserable," Spencer said emotionlessly.
Morgan who knew what his friend was referring to nodded agreement though the others all looked shocked.
Hotch wasn't shocked about the admission that Spencer had thought about poisoning a large percentage of the popular kids in his senior year, of course that was only because he hadn't actually heard anything Spencer had said after admitting that Hotch had fractured his ribs and was horrified that he'd hurt the young man that much, and that Spencer had managed to hide it from him at the time.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed followed or favourited this story for your support.
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