Erwin Smith had been a soldier of the Scouts for some time—most of his life, really—and over the years he'd heard some of the strangest conversations from both colleagues, superiors, commoners and nobles. As a faceless soldier, no one really cared if he'd overheard their conversations but as he grew older and rose up in the ranks, those same people now found themselves turning their backs to him and slamming their jaws shut at the sight of him. That didn't matter though, he still heard some of the oddest things.
From the mess hall where heavy-lidded soldiers spared half-hearted and grunted conversations over bowls of gruel that they tried not to fall asleep in. To the kitchens and pantry where dinner duty often meant you were stuck peeling potatoes.
"Who pissed in your gruel?" Connie snorted as Mikasa fervently stabbed the chunks of oats in her gruel.
"…Just let me have one more cup!" Levi whined, reaching for the teacup held high above his head.
"No" Hanji refused, shaking her head. It was barely breakfast time and the young man had already had like five cups of boozy tea. She knew that losing his friends had been hard, but drowning himself in alcoholic tea wasn't a good idea.
"Half a cup?"
"No"
"How about you drink a cup and I'll lick you tongue?"
"…Tempting, but no"
"Question" Armin mused, "Why would someone put chilli in someone else's underwear?"
"Revenge" Annie replied without missing a beat.
"…What chores are you on, this week?"
"Laundry"
"Who hurt you?"
"Sasha…" Eren hedged as he eyed up the strangely-shaped bulge in her pants. "Did you steal from the officer's provisions AGAIN?"
"…No" Sasha lied, looking far too sheepish for her own good.
"Liar!"
"Gimme some!" Connie jumped onto her shoulder.
"Wha—? No!" Sasha shook him off, before she took off.
"Sasha! Share your sausage!"
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
"WE JUST WANNA BITE OF YOUR MEAT, WOMAN!"
"Hey Reiner" Said Connie as he plopped down next to the blonde and the bucket full of unpeeled potatoes."Where's Bertolt?"
"Roof" Reiner grunted, shucking off the dusty skin before moving onto the next.
RRR~BOOM!
"In this?" Connie quirked a brow in surprise as thunder crackled overhead and rain splattered against the windows. The storm was really coming in now.
"He likes the rain" Reiner shrugged as if that explained everything.
"Hey, hey, hey, wake up Billy!" A pair of rookies sat slumped over the table, with a couple of bowls of porridge between them. "You're about to take a face full of breakfast!"
"How is it?" Petra asked, almost hesitantly as she nudged her own meal with her spoon.
"Ugh! It tastes like ass!" Oluo retched, spitting out his mouthful back into his bowl.
"That is disgusting"
"Then you eat it, woman!"
"And how do YOU know what ass tastes like?" Gunther leered.
From the sleeping quarters where the scent of body odour mingled with unlaundered clothes just tossed aside. Levi had downright refused to step foot inside the rookies' quarters on the account that they had absolutely no sense of cleanliness. Hanji still swears up and down that the last time we went in there, the short man had a conniption over the sight before him. Not that Erwin was raising his hand to deal with the teenagers.
"…What do you think Krista?" Ymir turned to show the blonde her shirt. It was flowery piece, with far too many frills falling from the collar & running down the front. It certainly wasn't something that Ymir would usually wear. "Too gay?"
"Oh, c'me on Eren!" Armin huffed, hands on hips as he stared down Eren who lay whimpering in the nook under the bed where he'd crawled after hearing Jean's anecdote about a much needed haircut. "You've been hit over the head so many times you should be a VEGETABLE! You've been neutered, your arms TORN off, EATEN, fell off a cliff, jugular slit, CRUSHED by a bear and had your teeth kicked in! AND everything is back in place! I THINK you'll be just fine losing a few strands of hair!"
"I'M NOT GOING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Eren cried.
"Wanna bet? Oh Mikasa~!"
SLAM!
"And g'morning to you too Four Eyes" Levi greeted the bespectacled woman who had slammed open the door with far more force than was necessary. Stomping over to the table, Hanji angrily buttered her toast, sending crumbs flying everywhere.
"What's wrong, Hanji? Erwin sighed.
"I don't know which one of you it was" She pointedly gestured towards each of them with the business end of her butter knife. "But last night someone's hand was repeatedly brushing up against FRITZ AND THE CRYSTAL GEMS!" She gestured to her bosom.
"…That was YOUR hand, Four Eyes!" Levi sassed.
"Oh!" Her mood did an entire 180, completely flipping around into something a little more salacious. "I didn't know I was such a tease!"
Erwin picked up snippets of gossip outside the Scout's base too. From soldiers milling about, to messengers running to & fro, there were the busybody civilians on the street and the gossip-hungry nobles.
"…Hey, what'd you expect?" The knave shrugged noncommittally, a smirk permanently etched onto his features. "It's just the bible, it's not like it's the gospel"
"—Muriel, back me up on this! Y'know, Charlotte's girlfriend?" Erwin just happened to be walking passed the cracked door as a gaggle of ladies cackled over tea and House of Rook was simply another on a long list in which Shadis was trying to petition into becoming patrons of the Scouts. It wasn't going well. "Well, ever since she got this big promotion in the military, she's gone right back in the closet!"
"And—and sister dearest wants to continue courting her!" Added one of the younger, bouncier girls.
"Watch your mouth, Emile! Your own reputation is not so spotless either!" Charlotte retorted in a huff, "Weren't you just rolling around in the way with the stable boy, this morning?"
"Huh!" Muriel gasped, hand on heart and face poised in interest.
"THANK you!"
"I know the PERFECT place to take her!"
"WHA—! IT'S RAINING CADETS!" Hanji gasped, eyes blowing wide as the teenagers jumped down from the buildings in droves, a look of panic plastered across their faces.
"Wonder what's going on…?" Mike mused as they neared.
"…CONNIE! PLAN B! PLAN B!" Sasha roared as they rocketed passed.
"STOP STEALING FROM THE OFFICER'S PROVISION!" Connie replied as he tripped over his own feet before he was up and running again.
"BUT THE MEAT~! IT CALLS TO ME~!"
"Something's calling, but it ain't your meat" Ymir snarked.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU BRATS!" Came the far off cry of an overworked teacher. "BLOUSE! I'LL HAVE YOUR ASS IN THE STOCKS FOR A WEEK!"
"…So, all of our asses are riding on his hard-on?" Jean scoffed, gesturing to the glistening crystal surrounding them.
"Uh, Jean…?" Hedged Connie, a smirk playing on his lips and a chuckle in his tone.
"Yeah, I heard it!"
"You've got a plan rattling around in there, don't you?" Eren hedged, eyeing up Armin as his expression turned almost speculative. Brows poised, lips pursed and eyes gleaming with wicked intention. Eren knew that look quite well, he'd grown up with Armin afterall.
"Yeah…" Armin replied as his lips peeled back into an almost manic grin.
"Is it gonna get me into trouble?"
"Maybe"
"Is it gonna cause me bodily harm?"
"Oh yeah! Definitely!" Armin pulled a reluctant Eren along by the elbow. "C'me on!"
"…Kiss my A!" Lady Marie Norfolk huffed as she stormed passed the parlour where the Scouts were conferring with the Master of the household over patronage issues. Hot on her heels was Officer Jon Hansell, a member of the Military Police and her current suitor.
"I'm sorry—" Jon gasped, offended as the two pulled to a stop in front of the cracked doors, allowing them to get an earful.
"—So, you should be—!"
"—WHAT did you just say to a representative of the Military Police?"
"Gosh! I don't know, why don't you take your D outta your ear and listen to me"
"Wha—what is the matter with you?! And WHY are you only using letters?!"
"Because I am a LADY"! Marie slapped him hard across the face. Before she spun on her heel, taking great vindictive pleasure in the way he choked on her hair that slapped him in the face. "Assface!"
But the best place to pick up gossip, Erwin would argue, was in the hallways where no one worried about who would overhear as they travelled from place to place. Sure, some conversations were hushed and others were boisterously loud, but either way he still got to build one of the strangest stories in his mind, from the different snippets that he'd heard.
"…He sounds like a wise man" Armin murmured softly.
"Oh, not so wise" Hanji hummed as she shuffled through the papers in her hand. "He once tried to fight a Titan for some liquorice"
"Haha~! Yeah…that's funny!" Reiner huffed a sarcastic laugh. "Y'know what else is funny? Wanna see my blade disappear up your ass?"
"…And you are?" Mary quirked an unimpressed brow at the shorter female, eyes roving up and down.
"Lucy" Lucy replied simply.
"Bob's Lucy?"
"Yes…?"
"Sina, Rose & Maria!" Mary's tune completely changed, turning into something far more chipper at that. "You are FABULOUS!"
"Ahhh!" Jean screeched into Eren's face, his own burnt a bright scarlet and the little vein the twitched whenever he was irritated, BULGED like it had been pumped up.
"AAAAAHHH!" Eren responded in kind as he stood on his tip toes to yell into the taller boy's face. Again, his own had turned an interesting shade of puce.
"Should…we do something?" Connie wondered, eyeing up the familiar scene. Those two had been at each other's throats since day one.
"No, no, I wanna see who wins this" Reiner waved off, more than happy to see who would this current match between the two boys.
"My money's on Jaeger" Annie piped up, completely deadpan.
"…RAAAAAAH!"
"Yeah, that's a safe bet" Reiner nodded like their interaction was just another normal facet in their lives.
"…She's right, y'know~! Better safe than slaughtered!" Sasha sang, dancing backwards down the hall. "We ALL know what Annie can do~!"
"D'you mean I healed from a comminuted fracture to my anterior cruciate ligament?" Eren asked, the complicated medical terms just rolling right off of his tongue like syrup.
"How—how do YOU know that?" Jean spluttered, eyes blown wide in disbelief.
"Jean! That's not very nice!" Scolded Krista.
"But now that the Titans's outta the forest" Ymir continued, "How DO you know those words?"
"My dad's a doctor" Eren shrugged.
"Oh! That makes sense"
"Dr Jaeger, right?" Krista pursued.
"Yeah" He nodded.
"I met him once, nice man"
"Eh…"
There have been so many strange things heard over the years; honestly, Erwin had wondered more than once if he should write them all down.