Chapter 18 - Of Back to Hogwarts

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
― Cesare Pavese

"You all did very well down in the Chamber," Moody's voice boomed across the classroom.

Harry and the other Sixth Years were sitting in the Defence classroom, wands away, quills and parchments out ready to take notes.

Harry shifted a little uncomfortably as his chest twinged as he leaned over the desk, quill ready. He still felt as if he couldn't breathe sometimes, and he knew if he showed the slightest sign of discomfort, his friends would whip him off to the Infirmary before he could open to his mouth to ward off their concern.

He knew they were looking out for him and he appreciated their protectiveness, never having experienced anything like that at the Dursleys. It did feel stifling sometimes, as he knew that as well as his friends (whose concerns he could take) he was being watched by most of the Professors who'd been a part if the Order meeting.

Harry ignored them as best he could. It was only his second day back at school and he felt eyes on his every move. Harry kept a professional outlook, ignoring any overtures from McGonagall and the like regarding anything personal. Harry constantly felt Dumbledore's eyes on him in the Great Hall, and he swore he could feel other people watching in the corridors. He knew they were all concerned. After deliberately throwing his wand at Dumbledore's feet, he found it the next morning on his bedside cabinet. He'd promptly packed it away at the bottom of his trunk, ignoring his friend's silent protests. They knew he was proving a point and he knew they disagreed with his methods. However, they reluctantly supported him.

Harry was nudged out of his thoughts by a painful elbow to the ribs and an apologetic look from Ron. He looked quickly across to Moody who gave him a look and bent down to copy the notes from the blackboard about the different techniques they could have used in the Chamber.

Harry concentrated on the rest of Moody's lecture, ending with copious amount of notes; before Moody invited the rest of the class to participate in a debate of what they thought they'd done best. Despite their initial indignation at being tricked, once they got down to it, everyone contributed enthusiastically the debate.

The class ended half an hour later; Moody nodding meaningfully at Harry as he walked out. Moody himself was protective in his own way, but he knew when to back away, understanding Harry's need to be independent.

Harry went through the rest of the day mechanically, being careful not to let himself getting jostled too much in the rush of the corridors.

Neville stood in the shadows watching Harry. Neville often stood in the shadows; it was the best place to watch many harebrained happenings everyone had come up with. He watched many people from the shadows. He was unnoticed and ignored. No one paid any attention to poor, pathetic, bumbling Neville Longbottom. He knew he'd changed a lot of the last year or so, especially after the news of the LeStranges escaping from Azkaban. Previous to that event he'd spent the majority of his Hogwarts years just passing through, keeping his head down and trying to keep his grades up. Cedric's death after the Triwizard Tournament had woken him up somewhat, and the news of Voldemort being back sent a shiver down his spine. The first war brought back many bad memories for his Gran, and he knew she didn't like to talk about that time that took away her son and daughter-in-law.

Harry had been battling Voldemort in one form or another since his first year at Hogwarts, and now Neville understood the drive that motivated Harry. The needs to do something, instead of sitting back letting things happen, he needed to do something but others around him wouldn't let him.

Right now, Neville watched Harry drift about the castle. Harry had never come back to the Common Room after classes ended, and though he wasn't concerned too much, he felt he should keep an eye on Harry for a while. No one had expected Christmas to go the way it had, and Harry had been out of sorts before even Christmas holidays began. Harry had told them when they were at Longbottom Manor; it was due to him knowing that Tonks was pregnant with Lupin's baby.

Neville, who'd had restless night of his own for the past year, knew there was more to it than that. Harry had a history of insomnia, and sleep didn't always come easy to him. Harry shared stuff with them, but he also kept fair share more to himself. Ron and Hermione who knew him best, also knew how best to draw him out, although Hermione did try to push Harry to talk about his feelings more, girls were strange that way.

Currently, Harry was standing at the window above one of the staircases, staring absently out to the sky. Neville was about to leave Harry to it, deciding Harry would make his way back to the Common Room once he'd brooded whatever was bothering him out of his system.

A voice stopped him short, just as he was about to slink away from the shadows.

"How can I help you, Professor?"

Harry hadn't even turned his head, still staring out the window, but somehow he knew that Snape had walked up the staircase and was currently standing at the top of it, not far behind him.

"Shouldn't you be in your Commons, Potter?" Snape asked in deep even tones.

"Of course, Professor," Harry acknowledged without turning around, or making any move to leave.

Neville watched the two of them stand in silence. Snape had crossed his arms and was watching Harry's back intently.

"Turn around and look at me Potter," Snape said eventually.

Reluctantly, Harry turned around, with the blandest of expressions that Neville had ever seen settle on his face. Neville debated with himself. Harry and Snape would never get on; Snape had had it in for Harry since he first stepped foot in school. Harry only reacted from that hate. Slowly over the years, the hate only got worse. Harry could handle himself, under normal circumstances, but Harry had not been acting normal recently. So, Neville decided to stay and watch. He would not let Snape bully Harry, especially when Harry was in less than peak condition to defend himself; should Snape try something.

"How are your wounds Potter?" Snape said after taking in Harry's expression.

"Not concerned, Professor? Surely not you?" Harry said.

"Answer the question Potter!" Snape snapped.

"It'll take more than one of your homemade curses to bring down the boy who lived, Professor," Harry answered.

Curiously, Snape looked like he almost flinched at that comment.

"Have you been administering dittany?"

"Neville and Ron have been diligent in handing the vial to me every night, Professor."

Snape seemed to debate with himself.

"Why did you step in front of that curse for me Potter?" Snape asked, switching tactics, although Neville could tell that that wasn't question Snape really wanted to ask.

"Hermione calls it my saving people thing, Professor. You've always been the first to point out all the stupid things I've done. Getting hit by sectumsempra was just another to add to the list." Harry dismissed.

"You saved my life."

"Why would I do that?" Harry asked, as if genuinely curious.

"That's a question I would like answered Potter."

"Fifteen years ago, the esteemed Headmaster Dumbledore, extracted a promise from a young Potions Master. Protect Lily's son," Harry began, finally moving from his spot near the window, pacing a little to his left, still keeping eyes on Snape. "And that young Potions Master, completely distraught from grief, gave his solemn vow that he would protect this young boy whose eyes matched his mother's exactly, under the condition that no one would know."

Harry stopped talking and pacing, his eyes on Snape who looked paler than normal. Harry paced backed towards the banister.

"You've protected that boy from the day he stepped into Hogwarts, Professor," he said, stepping closer to Snape, who stepped away. "And that boy didn't make it easy, did he? Always getting in trouble. Always breaking the rules. Always sticking his nose in places it doesn't belong. How do you protect such a boy?" Harry asked.

"How did you know all that Potter? Who told you? Did Dumbledore-" Snape was asking through bloodless lips.

Harry ignored him and carried on.

"How do you protect him?"

"Answer me Potter." Demanded Snape.

Neville had a bad feeling where this was going. But he still didn't interfere.

"The answer is you don't. That boy is already dead. Your efforts are wasted, Professor. There is nothing you can do to protect someone who was raised to die at the right time."

The air left Neville's lungs, and Snape looked similarly as if he'd been punched in the solar plexus.

"Your promise was just a bunch of empty words."

"Potter-" Snape began.

Harry looked steadily at Snape. But Snape couldn't find the words.

"Potter," Snape tried again. "Don't do anything stupid, Potter."

He stepped towards Harry, who took his turn step away from Snape.

"Too late, Professor. Your warnings were too late."

Harry turned away, turned his back to Snape, to Neville, so they couldn't see his expression anymore, to look over the staircase.

"I'm telling you stop, Professor."

"Stop what Potter?"

"Looking out for me. Stop protecting me." Harry said for the first time showing how tired he was.

"Do you want to die Potter?"

"I can survive without you," Harry replied immediately. "I don't need you."

"You ungrateful, arrogant-" Snape started.

"Who do you think you are? My parents are dead because you. Your petty grudges have wiped out everything important. You don't deserve to protect me."

"Potter," Snape snarled, getting angry.

"You're not important," Harry snapped right back. "Your life means nothing to me. I argued with Sirius because of you, because he needed to grow up. But then again, so do you. You haven't changed from that pathetic, snivelling little Severus Snape who too stupid to know what he can't have."

"I demand you to respect me," Snape was saying.

"Respect you? What have you done to deserve it?"

Snape had his fists clenched at his sides, his entire form rigid with rage.

Harry got right in Snape's face so they were standing almost toe to toe.

Neville saw that look in his eyes. It was the same look he'd given Sirius and Lupin before he'd provoked them in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place no more than a week ago.

What are you up to Harry? Neville asked as he watched silently.

"Do you think she would have chosen you? She saw you for the worm that you were. She pitied you. Poor little Snape. Couldn't even get the attention of a foolish little mudbl-"

Snape didn't let Harry finish that last word.

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT WORD!"

Neville saw Harry reel from that blow to the head. Snape didn't bother with his wand. He went straight for the physical blows.

Harry brought his head back and looked Snape dead in the eyes. Neville swore he saw Harry's eye change from green for a second.

"Mudblood!" Harry snarled, very deliberately.

Neville, who couldn't see Snape's face, could only imagine Snape's expression. Neville brought out his wand to intervene but he was too late. He didn't know how, as Snape still didn't have his wand in his hand; yet Harry was launched over the banister.

Neville called out his friend's name. The spell on his lips useless as he heard the thud of Harry Potter's body before he even reached where they were standing. He looked over to see Harry lying in a pool of his own blood, left side of limbs at unnatural angles. He heard the footsteps from behind him, but he ignore them as he looked down, catching the eyes of Draco Malfoy who looked to be standing there in shock, seemingly witnessed everything same as Neville.

Neville didn't waste any further time. He quickly took to the stairs and they started moving, but too slowly for him so he vaulted over the side onto the next one and jumped the last few feet landing at the edge of the ever expanding puddle of blood.

"Harry!" He heard a scream behind him.

He knelt beside his friend, not knowing where to start. He took one last look up to see Snape staring down at them with a blank expression.

They were quickly surrounded by a crowd, and Neville wanted to snarl at them to piss off but he concentrated instead on Harry.

He let loose a stream of healing spells, his wand working overtime, heating rapidly beneath his fingers.

Sweat dripped from his face but he didn't stop to wipe it away. He felt someone drop beside him, and the voice synced with him, following the same spells he was chanting, trying to stabilise Harry.

Then, when Madam Pomfrey arrived, he still didn't stop until she told him Harry could be safely transported to the Infirmary.

He lowered his wand and stood, Luna by his side, taking his wand free hand in hers. Together they walked besides Harry's stretcher to the Hospital wing. The crowd parting silently to let them pass.

Severus was slowly coming out of his shock, several hours later. It was close to midnight, and he was locked up in one of the rooms just off the Hospital wing.

Mudblood!

The word echoed around his mind. The dreaded hated word coming out of Potter's mouth had been shocked him. Enraged him. He couldn't believe how he'd lost control. He'd hurt the very boy he vowed to protect. Lily's boy.

He closed his eyes tightly.

Once Potter's condition had been stabilised enough to move him, Severus had been apprehended, not that he'd put up any resistance, by McGonagall. At Dumbledore's instructions he'd been escorted to the Hospital wing by McGonagall, Moody and Shacklebolt at wand point. Not that he'd noticed. He'd been in a world of his own.

Now he was coming out of it, and was impatiently waiting for news on Potter's condition.

No one came for him all night, and he didn't bother trying the door. His wand was taken from him. He settled reluctantly back onto the bed of the private room he'd been sequestered into and fell into an uneasy sleep of flashing green eyes.

He was woken from slumber by the light flooding into the room, and in stepped the Headmaster, looking older than his considerable one hundred and eleven years.

Severus stayed silent as he was subjected to the same disappointed gaze that had pinned Sirius Black only a week ago.

"Tell me what happened Severus," Dumbledore asked his voice gentle, as he conjured a chair to seat himself in front of Severus.

"How is Potter?" he asked at the same time.

Dumbledore inclined his head, and answered.

"His injuries are all healed. Poppy says he woke up briefly during the night but she put him back to a healing sleep. He will need to take the week off school to rest and regain his strength."

Severus nodded.

He knew there was nothing he could say in his defence so he told Dumbledore everything that passed between him and Potter. Dumbledore listened to him silently until he finished.

Dumbledore sighed once Severus fell silent.

"Despite several accounts flying about, there is only one witness," Dumbledore said after a moment's quiet. "Harry will wake up at some point later today, and once he does we will listen to his side of events. Until then, you will stay in this room, locked I'm afraid. Until this matter is investigated you will be suspended from teaching classes and a substitute will be arranged to take over. Your wand will remain with me. Is there anything else you would like to say in your defence?"

Severus opened his mouth to try to do just after Dumbledore asked. But there was nothing he could say that would make him feel what he'd done was justified. He'd lost his temper. His magic had lashed out.

Mudblood!

Such a simple word that caused so much grief.

Severus shook his head.

"Very well," Dumbledore said, standing up and with a silent wave of his wand the conjured chair disappeared. "Eat Severus."

Dumbledore walked out, leaving Severus alone to his thoughts and a tray full of steaming food that turned his stomach.

Potter was just on the other side of the door and Severus wanted to see for himself what condition Potter was in.

He'd visited Potter several times during the boy's many stays in the Infirmary almost every year. The silent protector who watched over Potter during his healing sleep; cursing himself for failing to protect the boy and cursing Potter for making it so hard for him.

Never had he imagined that the boy would be lying there directly because of him. Because he had physically harmed the boy by his own hand, had lashed out with his own magic.

Everything the boy had suffered through had been because of him. Because he'd lost his temper, like his father had often with him.

He had to face that.

Mudblood! Mudblood! Mudblood!

"Here is your wand back, Severus," Dumbledore said, and Severus eagerly took it, almost snatching it from the Headmaster.

Dumbledore looked over his half moon glasses.

"I imagine you are relieved to have this whole ordeal behind you," the Headmaster began as he went to seat himself behind his desk.

"It has not been the most calming of experiences."

"Quite. Are you sure this is the course you would like to take?"

"I think it would be best for the time being."

Dumbledore nodded.

Severus still couldn't quite believe his luck in not being thrown in Azkaban for attacking and almost killing a student. Granted, it had not been his intent, Harry Potter was once again a hero of the wizarding world, and being so close to death twice in a short amount of time, even by accident would have the masses calling out for his blood.

Indeed, the majority of the students had turned against him for a short while, whilst the rumours, so close to the truth flew about.

He had never made himself a favourite of the students, so he was under no illusion that the students would be celebrating his absence in due course, praising the name of Potter. Yet at this time, he couldn't curse Potter's name. He had brought this on himself.

Curiously, Longbottom has stayed close-mouthed about the whole chain of events; citing concern for his friend before saying anything.

Severus had been released from his hospital cell a full day after Dumbledore had taken his deposition, and he'd been ordered soundly to stay away from Potter, as his friends had taken turns in staying by his side, only leaving to attend classes and coming back the minute they were over.

Poppy had turned a blind eye to their sneaking in after hours, pretending she didn't see them sneak away in the morning as she came to check on Potter.

Potter, once he had woken up, had completely exonerated Severus, claiming it was all an accident.

Severus had been completely surprised by this. He had thought Potter would want to use this opportunity get rid of the man who had made his life at Hogwarts difficult. Instead Potter had admitted that he'd purposely provoked the Potions Master and had insisted that Snape not be punished.

"Given all that is happened, Severus; and the many mistakes I have made with Harry, and yourself," Dumbledore said, "I release you from the promise I had extracted from you to protect Harry."

Severus opened his mouth to protest. Did the Headmaster not trust him to fulfil his promise just because he was leaving the castle?

"As much as I trust you," Dumbledore seemed to read his mind, "I have realised that I have made many mistakes in trying to ask the people I care about to do thing they do not want to. Making Sirius stay in the house he despised, making you promise to stay in the castle, asking you to teach- I did not consider the impact of my demands in terms of the individual, only in terms of the greater good. My plan had started to shatter from the moment I left Harry with his family. I cannot in good conscience ask you to continue this, or continue to spy for me."

Severus stayed silent for a moment, listening to his mentor's words, taking them in and digesting them.

"I have done everything you have ever asked of me, reluctantly; grudgingly I have done it all. I could have chosen to disobey, but I didn't. I chose to follow. Whatever you ask, whatever Potter thinks; I will continue to protect him. For Lily. For Lily, I will continue to spy. The incident with Potter will cement my standing amongst the Death Eaters and with the Dark Lord. We should use it to our advantage."

"Severus," Dumbledore began to protest.

"Potter thinks he will die, Headmaster. He thinks he was raised to die at the right time," Severus went on more urgently.

Dumbledore paled beneath his long beard.

"You need to keep an eye on him. Don't let him do anything stupid. Don't let Lily's sacrifice be in vain."

"Lily's sacrifice." Dumbledore closed his eyes as if in pain. "After all this time, Severus?"

Severus gripped his newly returned wand tightly, shot up from his seat and yelled "Expecto Patronum!"

A silver doe burst from the tip of his wand and cantered throughout the office, coming to stand still in front of Severus and bowed. Severus looked deeply into Dumbledore's cerulean blue eyes and said "Always."

Severus stepped cautiously into the Infirmary, hoping to see Potter one last time before he left. He'd hadn't been told outright from the Headmaster, so he ignored the silent order, to see Potter's condition one last time before he left the castle.

It was class time, so none of Potter's friends were to be seen.

Neither was Potter it seemed. The boy was nowhere in sight, and neither was Poppy. He knew Potter had not been discharged yet, Poppy had been intent on keeping him there for a few more days yet. There were a few books still stacked on the bedside table, so Potter was still residing there.

He heard a slight noise behind and turned just in time to see Potter exit the Infirmary bathroom. Potter froze when he saw Severus there, a look of surprise over his face before settling with the same bland expression at the top of the staircase.

Severus stepped back as Potter gingerly made his way back to his bed, but didn't sit down. He wondered if he shouldn't have just obeyed Dumbledore's silent order and stayed well away.

"You protected me again, Potter." Severus started.

"Did I?"

"I attacked you, and you could have had me banished from the castle for good."

Potter didn't say anything, just continued to watch him and Severus could see that he hadn't healed entirely.

Severus was getting frustrated with the boy's silence, struggled to remain calm.

"I shall be leaving the castle tonight Potter," Severus informed him abruptly.

The widening of Potter's eyes was the only indication he was surprised.

"Why have you come to tell me?" Potter finally asked.

This time it was Severus' turn to stay silent.

"You usually come and watch over me whilst I'm asleep. Considering you've been locked up since I've been brought here, you must have been going mad with not knowing, with not being able to see for yourself what condition I was actually in."

It seemed it was also Severus' turn to be surprised. How did the boy know all this?

Severus didn't deign that with an answer, not inclined to give one either. He decided it was time to leave, and shoved his hand into his robe pockets, his hands crinkling the parchment he'd shoved in there. He had planned to leave a note for Potter, but he didn't think Potter would be inclined to read it. It was better unread for now. Besides, he hadn't actually finished it.

"Wizards like you don't change, Professor," Potter's voice halted him from behind after he'd turned to go.

"Once a bully, always a bully. You're not that different from James Potter, after all."

Severus clenched his fist once more, determined not to give in to Potter's baiting. He'd already been provoked once. It wouldn't happen again. He strode out of the Infirmary, passing Longbottom who paused long enough to shoot him a venomous look, before rushing past him to check if he'd hurt Potter again.

Half an hour later he'd collected his belongings his former quarters he thought back to his dealings with Potter. Potter had indeed provoked him at the staircase; deliberately and knowingly provoked him. He'd tried to do so again in the hospital wing. Severus paused as he reached the gates and looked thoughtfully back at the castle that had been his home for the better part of three decades.

He shook his head and thought he must have imagined Potter's eyes that changed from Lily green to James Potter's hazel colour when he'd said that dreaded word.

Mudblood!