Giver17

An Invitation to Darkness

My uncle never said exactly when we crossed into France, but days after the ring was stolen from the young woman with the broken down carriage, he began to mention how long he thought it would take us to get to Paris.

The ring was swiftly sold and the profits unexpectedly divided. My uncle decided he would purchase a room for the night, meals for both of us, and some much needed supplies. He allowed me what remained, and his generosity was unexpected.

"It's not much, but it's yours to do with as you please."

"Th-thank you."

He squeezed my shoulder and smiled as we stood on the outskirts of town. By nightfall we would enter the streets and browse under the cover of darkness. For the remainder of the day we would keep to ourselves and out of trouble.

"I expect you will treat your four-legged friend to the best hay in town." He smiled, an impish grin. "That stu... that beast is fortunate you're loyal. I would have sold her and added good ale to my supper."

"She's worth more than ale," I said, my tone harsh and defensive. Moon had become as much my friend as my uncle and I was quick to defend her. She repaid me by swinging her large head and hitting me in the ribs.

The Shadow nodded, apparently finding amusement in Moon nearly knocking me off my feet. "So she is."

By nightfall I was giddy, my speech marred by my excitement. Often when my father asked me direct questions and I didn't know how to properly answer him, I stuttered. His anger made it more difficult for me to speak and as I was rendered a babbling idiot, he would showed me no mercy. The more nervous I became, the less I was able to form proper words. I became increasingly self-conscious and eventually preferred nodding or shaking my head to actual answers.

"You've no need to be nervous," my uncle said. He patted me gently on the back as we strode toward the town.

I didn't dare speak. My tongue wouldn't allow it. Head lowered, I hoped he would accept my unspoken apology.

"Offer remorse for what is your fault, but never apologize for what you cannot control," he said gently. He stared straight ahead as he spoke. "It will cause you less suffering, my boy, less pain here." He held his hand over his chest. I wondered how he knew where I hurt.

We walked into the nearest inn and left the donkey in the stable, amongst sleek, beautiful horses. I thought about her as I stood behind my uncle. The three of us looked out of place, vagrants in a sea of otherwise proper ladies, gentlemen, and horses.

However, our money was accepted and the owner handed my uncle the key to our room.

"Go on up and rest yourself," he said as he pressed the small key into the palm of my hand. "I'll bring supper to you." He reached out for me before I turned. "Do you know where you're going?"

"Yes." I'd already envisioned what it looked like when the man said up the stairs and to the right, third door on the left. A narrow hallway took shape in my mind, several doors on each side with lanterns hung from the wall.

"Good. Wait in the room for me, my child. I will be up in an hour or so. Do you mind being by yourself?"

I shook my head. As much as I enjoyed his company, I was fine being on my own for a time. I figured I could read for a bit or look out the window at the streets below and watch people interact comfortably from my bed.

Fascinated by the thought of a room, I strode away with both packs slung over my shoulder. I'd never slept on the second floor, which excited me to think I'd be well above the ground, not beneath it. The air smelled different on the upper floor, the overpowering scent of roses and lilacs mixed with something else I could not identify. I was so enraptured with my fortune that I nearly walked past a red-haired woman in a tight blouse. She groaned when I walked past her and I turned to find her cat-like eyes looking me over.

Her face was painted in every shade imaginable, her cheeks bright red circles, eyes ringed in black with the lids both blue and green. She had a piece of velvet stuck to her chin, which I presumed was supposed to be a beauty mark, but it was falling off. I had seen women similar to her before, but only at a distance. The amount of men flowing in and out of the brothel always kept me at a distance.

"Care for a friendly poke, young man?" she questioned before I turned away.

My pace slowed. I was not sure she addressed me, so I looked over my shoulder at the empty hall. "W-What did you ask me?"

"Virgin's discount," she smiled, brushing an unruly curl from her colorful face. She bit her lower lip and slowly looked me over, her gaze settling momentarily at my hips, which made me look down to see if I had not buttoned my pants correctly or if my shirt was stained or crumpled. "You are a virgin, ain't you?"

I had no idea what she meant, but her toothless, unsavory grin told me I wanted to know more. Facing her, I swallowed hard and watched her saunter toward me. Nervous excitement filled me, the type reserved for foolish young men unaccustomed to the presence of a woman.

"Ever rutted?"

Slowly I shook my head, enticed and embarrassed by her question. I knew beasts rutted in the fields. I knew what rutting season meant when it came to game animals, but I had never heard the term applied to a man and woman. My blood flowed hotter, a painful erection coaxed to life by her words and the sight of her breasts pushed up to her neck. I found myself unable to look away from her and my legs unwilling to move.

"Good, then you won't last long." She chuckled softly and pushed her breasts closer together.

I gave a nervous smile, unaware that she had insulted me. Her perfume flooded my nostrils and I wrinkled my nose, attempting to hold my breath. Everything about her was overpowering. Her hand reached out and trailed up my arm to my shoulder, so light it tickled. Biting her lip, she ran her fingers down my chest and stomach. If I hadn't stepped back she wouldn't have stopped. Part of me wanted her to leave me alone. A wicked part of me wanted to feel her hand again.

And I did.

She wrapped her arm around my hip and touched me again, this time intimately. I could barely breathe, barely hear the words she spoke as she asked if I was eighteen or nineteen years of age. Rather than answer I nodded, forgetting who I was. Somewhere tucked behind my curiosity and confusion was a decent amount of trepidation as I knew I should have pushed her away, but I was not good at speaking up for myself. I had spent my entire life keeping quiet and waiting until whatever physically happened to me ended. Whether it was violent or sexual in nature was no different. Despite my fears, I still wanted more-and I did not know why.

"We won't have to trifle with long introductions," she said with a sly smile.

With one meaningless caress I was in love with her, completely fascinated by the rouge on her cheeks and her painted eyes. She took a step back and I followed her down the dark hallway, toward a door that was crooked on its hinges. A woman was groaning so loudly it sounded as though she was in terrible pain.

"This one's occupied," she said, flashing me another toothless grin. "We'll wait our turn."

But I didn't want to wait. My insatiable mind wanted to know everything she could offer me now, right that moment. I shifted my weight impatiently and jingled coins in my pocket. Both of the packs my uncle had given me fell to my feet barely noticed.

"Ah," she said. "How much do you have?"

"Excuse me?"

"How much money do you have? Best to settle the business end of it first, laddie."

"The…the business end?" I foolishly questioned. I had no idea that she expected money in exchange for...for whatever she was offering me.

"Aye, the business end." She shook her breasts in my face and I stopped thinking about the money in my pocket. "I'll take half of what you have and show you what you've missed for a lifetime."

Captivated. Mesmerized. Scared to death but unable to refuse. There was no end to the rush of feelings and emotions I had. She could give me what I'd lacked all these years. Truly I felt as though she'd hinted at it the moment she'd touched me. Love, I thought. She could give me love of a deeper kind, a sensuous, fulfilling affection that would heal me completely, inside and out.

"You'll pay for a good time, dearie. I'll let you touch me anywhere you want. Rough, easy…as you fancy, of course." She touched me again, rougher than before. I froze, alarmed but unwilling to move away and break the sensations that rushed through my body. Deep inside I felt a tinge of panic, the type of emotion that kicked flight or fight into motion for most people. I wanted to walk away, but I feared being mocked if I excused myself at once. I knew this feeling well, the way my stomach twisted when I heard my father return home late at night, how I wished to disappear but knew there was no choice.

She must have been two or three times my age, a grown woman whereas I was still very much a child. I was tall, and no one ever guessed I was only thirteen as they always assumed I was nearing twenty.

"And once you've had your lesson on a woman's body, I'll sit you down, unbutton your trousers, and treat you very well, indeed." She smiled again and looked me over. "You will experience pleasure you never knew existed."

Later, much later, I would wonder if her perfume intoxicated my clarity and left me dumb and stammering, but for the moment I was more than willing to give her all of my money. The aching I felt inside would never go away, I realized, but perhaps for a moment I could know the pleasure she spoke of, the kind I never knew existed. Carelessly I dug into my pocket.

"Here," I said, licking my lips.

She reached for the coins, her fingers gently touching mine. I noticed her wrists were scared, her hands red and scratched as though she had recently been in a scuffle. Suddenly I pulled away.

"Afraid?"

I shook my head. I was much more than afraid. I couldn't properly describe how I felt inside nor did I wish to explain. Something about handing her my coins made our intimacy seem formal, and I found resolution in telling myself that just as I would serve a purpose to her, she would serve a purpose to me. The only problem was I needed more from her than a needed from a meal or a warm bed. This was more important than sustenance or a night of sleep; I needed everything about her, physically, emotionally, almost spiritually.

A man stumbled from the room we waited for, his trousers unbuttoned. I looked away as he passed us, wondering when he would notice he was exposed. The sight of him ramming shoulder first into the wall and then stumbling down the stairs made my breath hitch. I did not want to wander out in such a state.

The nameless redhead pushed the door open and I saw another woman, a thin blonde with sharp features and expressionless eyes. Her skirt was pulled up to her hips, the insides of her thighs exposed. I stared at her when I should have looked away, and when she noticed, she did nothing more than blink and pull off the bed sheet.

"Erik."

The Shadow's voice nearly made me jump out of my skin. I turned, horrified that I had been caught despite having not done much of anything. He stood behind me in the doorway, his arms crossed and expression unreadable. I stared at him for a long moment, every muscle in my body rigid.

"Erik, the key to our room please."

In my haste I accidentally dropped our room key on the ground and dove after it. The redhead and the blonde both laughed at me, but I took little notice. The blonde left the bedroom, her hips swing back and forth in a way that caught my attention. The redhead followed but paused at my uncle's side and offered a wide grin just as she had done to me earlier.

"How are you this evening?"

His eyes flickered briefly to her. "What is your name?" he asked.

"You may call me Rose," she answered.

"Rose, do you make it a habit of luring boys to your bed?"

She looked from him to me and winked. With a shrug, she turned back to my uncle. "Only takes a second to make a boy a man."

"Erik, tell her your age," my uncle demanded. His tone reminded me of how he spoke to my father. Terror ripped through me and I felt my knees begin to buckle. After a moment of hesitation, my uncle glared at me. "I said tell her your age."

"Th-thirteen," I blurted out. My voice shook much worse than my hands.

The red-haired woman whipped around. "You god-damned, lying little son of a bitch," she seethed.

I found myself with my back against the wall and feet tangled in the heap of discarded sheets the blond had left behind. Three times she hit me; first directly in the face against my right cheek, then again on the top of the head and lastly on the ear before she gave it a tremendous tug and I yelped like a dog. She raised her hand again, this time with her fingers bunched into a fist, and I sank to the ground and lifted my arms, crossing them over my face.

The Shadow pulled her away and shoved her out the door, telling her if she dared strike me again he would have her disciplined for inviting a child into her room. She hissed something at him before she spit on me. I felt the saliva hit my forearm, and the sensation made me draw in a sharp breath. I sat for a long time, the hairs on my arms prickling, my chest tight and throat constricted by emotion.

"Stand up at once."

When The Shadow looked at me it was with grave disappointed. Rather than shame I felt anger. He'd ruined it for me, stolen what I was promised.

"Did you pay her?" he asked, his tone sharp as a knife. He took the key from my hand and stormed out of the room.

"No," I spat at him.

"Let me see how much money you have."

I looked away from him.

"Ah, the real answer to my question," he said sarcastically.

"You said it was my money to do with as I desired. You are a liar. A liar and a thief and..." Tears threatened, my desperation outweighing rational thought. The words which left my mouth horrified me. It was foolish of me to risk losing his affection, but I was frustrated. My insides were so tightly wound I thought I'd explode.

"Aye, I did say you could do with it as you pleased. But tell me, what did she promise you for your money?"

"Everything," I said softly. Tears slipped from my eyes, absorbed my mask. I knew she had lied to me, but I had too much pride to admit it.

The Shadow grunted. "That's a hell of a lot for change in your pocket, isn't it?"

Stubbornness clamped my jaw tight. I refused to admit my fault.

"She cannot give you everything because she has nothing but breasts and open legs. Is that what you want? To pay for…" He paused and shook his head. "It's not what you think, my son. Trust me. Women like that..." He shook his head.

"I will decide for myself. It's my money."

He stared hard at me for a long moment before he turned away. "You have twenty minutes before I return with supper. If you aren't back from your duties by then, you'll find the door locked. Stay with her or sleep with Moon." He glanced over his shoulder at me. "After all, it's my money and I will also decide for myself, boy."

He had never called me boy before, and despite the anger and tension in his voice, that single word hurt the most. I felt in that moment that I was nothing to him.

Before I could react, the door opened and closed with such force that I jumped in surprise. The Shadow disappeared, and so did my desire to see the woman and discover what I had missed all of my life. I suddenly felt as though I lacked much more than she or anyone else could offer. I removed my mask, folded my arms, and felt a deep sob rattle through me. I was nothing to the red-haired woman, nothing but a handful of change. And now I was nothing but an ignorant boy to my uncle.

Precisely twenty minutes later The Shadow returned. I managed to compose myself well before he returned and sat with my eyes cast down once the door opened. He said little to me as he divided our supper. I didn't thank him for filling my belly or giving me a place to rest my head. While he was gone I listened to the redhead moan and curse to the rhythm of a headboard hitting the wall. The cacophony continued once my uncle returned, which proved terribly uncomfortable. He stared at me, silently reprimanding my short-lived defiance until the woman and her customer finished their encounter and she sought another man.

"You deserve better," he muttered. He jabbed his fork into his food, all the while staring hard at me. "Better than a mindless rut with a woman who will never know your name."

"I don't care if she knows my name."

"Then you're a fool."

Those were the only words we spoke to each other for two days.