A Star Wars: Episode VII; Return of the Force Holiday Special

Chapstick's ship, the Chapship, was speeding off into the cosmos. Kind Solo basically just finished enacting a giant power grab, with Chith and his cohorts barely escaping. Chith was clearly stressed out, his leg in a cast from getting decimated by Darry.

"Where do we go from here?" the handsome Jedi bemoaned. "Now that Kind Solo can take over the galaxy, he's gonna hunt us down since we all escaped. He wouldn't want some shitty new rebel alliance cropping up on him like that Sheev guy."

Jaim'z Supplebutt gestured towards the old man crumpled single handedly on the floor. "I dunno. What happened to Luke?"

King Solo peered over at Luke. Chith looked over his shoulder to see what all the fuss was about. Luke was out cold. He was drooling, hair disheveled, mouth agape. Old man just couldn't keep up. It was a sight for sore eyes.

"Pathetic." King Solo and Chith exclaimed.

Suddenly, another feminine looking dogman appeared on Chapstick's holo-screen. "Woof, woof!" Chapstick belowed. It was his wife, Lipstick.

"Woof, woof woof." Lipstick barked.

Everyone in the ship turned to King Solo inquisitively. He sighed. "This is Chapstick's wife. She says he's almost late for Cold Day."

Everyone continued to stare at King Solo unflinchingly.

He sighed again. "It's the holiday they celebrate on planet Doigmin. St. Cringus Crakuloit, an immortal dogman, lets you ask him for one gift a year, and he comes at some point and gives it to you. If you ask him for two, you're hung publically."

Chapstick woofed back at his wife. "Woof, woof, woof woof." He woofed.

Everyone looked back at King Solo. King Solo let out a long, breathy sigh.

"We're… going to planet Doigmin. Unless, anyone, y'know, has an excuse to get out of it." King Solo leaned into Chith and grinned, waiting for him to provide a brilliant out to this inevitable disaster of a social situation.

Chith did not pick up the on the clue. "That's great, actually. Doigmin is way off the galactic senate mapping charts, we can lay low until Kind Solo forgets about us again."

Jaim'z Supplebutt agreed. "Yeah, and we can meet Chapstick's family! I bet they're wonderful and accommodating individuals. I would LOVE to see a grand tour of his house!"

Ch1pgr1p concurred. "Yes, I also agree that we should all stay with Chapstick for a very, very long time."

King Solo put his face in his mands and let out a shriek not dissimilar to a teenager into a pillow.

And so, our haughty crew made their way to the planet Doigmin

"Cold Day used to be a once-a-year deal." King Solo started to explain, his face still in his mands.

"Used to be?" Jaim'z inquired.

"Yeah," Luke groaned from the floor "Cold Day has slowly started to creep earlier and earlier into the year."

"How early?" asked Chith.

"Woof woof." barked Chapstick

"I don't remember…" grumbled Luke. He tried to wipe his hair back with his robot hand, but scratched his temple a little with the stub. "Ouch" Luke whined quietly.

"Nice use in the force, dipshit." Chith communicated telepathically.

"Chapstick said that it's crept up to mid summer at this point." King Solo translated, "I guess Luke can't speak Dogman."

"I can!" Exclaimed Luke from the floor

"Woof woof." barked Chapstick

Luke stared blankly at Chapstick for a full three minutes while everyone in the room stared silently.

"He said you suck dick." said Chith.

"Did he seriously?" asked Luke, anxiously looking around at the expectant faces.

"Do you not know?" asked Jaim'z supplebutt.

"Chapstick's holiday is creeping earlier and earlier each year because St. Cringus Crakuloit has a tradition of staying at people's houses for as long as he wants when he visits." explained King Solo.

"Do they seriously?" asked Luke.

"How do you not know this?" quipped CH1PGR1P.

"The Dogmen are hospitable. See, ah, Saint Cringus Crakuloit, ah, saved the planet by wiping out have the sentient life."

"What the fuck?" Said CH1PGR1P.

"Yeah," continued King Solo, "there was a food shortage so on one," here, King Solo did a quintessential Solo mannerism "Cold Day Saint Cringus Crakuloit wiped out a, ah, lesser species of Dogman personally. Their surviving, ah, chosen race, has been doing great since."

"Huh," said Luke

"Woof woof," barked Chapstick

Everyone waited for Luke's response.

Luke shrugged. "I forgot how to speak dogman, alright?" He pouted pitifully into the floor.

The gang landed on Doigmin. It was pretty forest-y, think Endor except there were straight up brick, modern houses for the dogmen's homes. Chapstick walked the gang up to one of the houses and knocked on the door. He leaned back and panted at his friends, he was excited. King Solo rolled his eyes.

Suddenly, the door swung wide open, and a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous dogwoman was on the other side. Chapstick and his wife, Lipstick, held paws and began licking each other's tongues for a full minute with giant grins on their snouts. Chith, Jaim'z, King Solo, Luke, and CH1PGR1P waited patiently for them to finish.

"Woof, woof." barked Lipstick, gesturing for them to come in.

Chapstick's home was rather mundane, honestly. An average family household, with a homely kitchen, a common space with a holoscreen and a sitting utensil, and some elevated stepping spaces for entering the higher chambers of the encavement, where two mini-installments existed for private living experiences, one meant for a smaller, younger individual, and one for just the sweetest couple. Oh, and there was a place for them to shit too. So it looked like a 70s family sitcom home is what I'm trying to say. Sorry for the long winded explanation.

"Some place you got here." mumbled Chith, rubbing the back of his cute little head while looking around.

"Woof, woof woof." replied Chapstick. "Woof woof." added Lipstick.

Suddenly, another smaller, younger dogman ran down the stairs. "Woof woof woof!" the younger dogman belted. He ran into Chapstick's arms and gave him a big hug.

"Who the fuck is that?" asked Jaim'z.

"Lipbalm, their son." groaned King Solo.

Lipbalm looked right at King Solo and began shouting very loudly. The five guests clenched their ears in pain. The shrieks were loud and annoying as hell.

"Someone make him stop!" Luke begged, his ears bleeding.

Suddenly, Lipbalm jumped into King Solo's arms. He stopped shrieking, and began rubbing against his face against his cheek.

"Sorry, he's just excited to see me." King Solo sighed. "Hey there little buddy. How you doin?"

Lipbalm pooted and winked.

A knock at the door shocked the giggling compatriots

The door slammed open twice with no warning either time, and two Darth Vaders strode into the room. The gang looked over with blank, unamused faces. Even Burtsbees, Chapstick's pappie, only glanced up from inside his VR porn visor idly.

Both Vaders, in unison, began to explain their backstory in earnest. "We were sent and created by Kind Solo in order to destroy you and Cold Day." They both began, "We are actually two Luke Skywalkers who were cloned from the hand that got cut off in episode 5. During the whole Dad thing."

No one in the room bothered to respond. The Darth Vaders continued, "We're Kind Solo's NEW apprentice. He had us run a gauntlet of both Luke and Anakin's life very quickly so we could be here and destroy you."

Luke opened his mouth and raised his stump to respond, but King Solo put his finger over his mouth in the "please don't make this go on for any longer than it needs to" way and Luke made his robot hand do the "okay I understand" gesture but it wasn't there so King Solo didn't see it.

Luke's question was going to be "could you please take turns talking, you're not quite in sync and your breathing makes this impossible to follow." but it didn't matter.

Because St. Cringus Crakuloit walked into the empty door with a yawn. He pulled out however many packages would be appropriate for the amount of people in the room at this point, and began to hand them out wordlessly while scratching his ass. As the Darth Vaders notice each person get one gift, they began to sweat within their armor in confusion. Each one of these people was an individual, so they would obviously get one gift. However, they were TWO Darth Vaders, so obviously they would get two gifts. In an effort to avoid the social tedium of an awkward moment, the Vaders sought to clarify.

"Because we are two Darth Vaders, do we get two gifts?" The Vaders inquired. Everyone in the room froze and stared at them. "Well, we are each Darth Vader, so we wanted to have two gifts so we wouldn't have just one." No one responded. "See? Two Darth Vaders?" The Vader on the left gestured wildly between them.

The public hanging that afternoon was a sight to behold. Saint Cringus Crakuloit personally strung up both Darth Vaders from their necks, and Lipbalm shut the fuck up for just long enough for everyone to hear their necks snap, slightly out of unison. They ate whatever the fuck the dogmen people normally eat to celebrate this whole thing, and Saint Cringus Crakuloit only stayed at Chapstick's house for eight months.

After eight months, the crew decided Kind Solo had probably forgotten about them and decided to head out. Chapstick and Lipstick slathered tongues and said their goodbyes, and Lipbalm shrieked earth shatteringly loud as his ship took off.

"Cool well that's over. Where are we even going?" Chith quipped.

"I dunno, I just wanted to get the hell out of there" moaned King Solo. He put his head in his mands. Mands, by the way, are mittens for men, which provide warmth and comfort to the face.