Once the ceremony was over, she and her new husband - husband - walked down the aisle that she had walked up a short while ago. Yet, this walk was different compared to the last.
Before, it had been a feeling of dread in her chest, but now she was just resigned to her fate, whatever it may bring upon her in the future.
She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes, wondering what he thought of their marriage. She could feel his hand bound to hers as she tried to read him.
It wasn't an easy job though, not just because he was tall, but because he was closed off, his face blank. Knowing what she knew of him, she knew it was a futile effort, he was likely well versed in hiding his emotions.
Even she knew there was no other way to manoeuvre around Ravkan politics.
She looked away quickly when he looked towards her, afraid he would catch her watching him, a part of her still weary of his reputation - she wasn't entirely sure she could hold his gaze, intense as it was.
And she didn't want him to think she had been staring.
They walked out of the room, going towards the dining area for the reception that they were supposed to have.
She had to give it to her mother, she thought as they walked in, the entire room was tastefully decorated, tables throughout the room, seating arrangements already done, which she noticed kept the Grisha separate.
Everyone in attendance seemed thankful for the clear distinction, and it was obvious that this marriage was nothing more than a way to stop the infighting. Likely a temporary solution.
They were led to a table in the centre, her mother somehow ending up next to the general - perhaps she should address him differently now, while the rest of the table was occupied by Grisha. There was an attempt made at introductions, although it was obvious that no one in attendance wanted to be there.
Including herself.
Still, most of the room was made of her relatives, her family, her people. Something she wouldn't experience again any time soon.
The Little Palace wouldn't even be cordial towards her.
She would be living there after all, at least after the initial three days.
She felt a tug at her hand and looked up to see him looking at her expectantly.
"We have to untie these strings now." His voice was low and full of condescension, probably at her cluelessness.
"Right, I-" He was raising his hand, hers following along, before she had a chance to say anything.
Long fingers worked deftly as he started untying the strings and she followed his motions, her hand shaking slightly for some reason.
By all accounts, untying the strings was just as, if not more, personal than tying them. She could feel his skin on every part of her hands, their digits intertwined almost intimately until finally they removed all the threads that connected them.
It was after that small ritual that people started coming up to them, offering gifts and congratulations, although no one seemed very sincere or joyous about their union. Faces blurred into each other as their table cleared to make space for some of the guests. She was clearly acting on lessons her governess had drilled into her as a child until she finally saw someone who wasn't an overbearing relative or a derisive Grisha.
"Irina!" She bit her lip as she realised how loud she had been but didn't regret it too much as she felt familiar comfort at the sight of her cousin. She was one of the few people in her family Alina was close to.
Well, one of the two people.
The two weren't the best of friends, but they had a bond that went back years, and perhaps only lacked because the blonde usually stayed in the country.
"Alina," she felt her hand surrounded by warmth as her cousin took it between both of hers, the small action of comfort perhaps the kindest anyone had been to her that day, "you look beautiful."
"Thank you."
"General," Alina frowned as she looked at Irina who was now directly addressing her husband, something everyone else in her family had refrained from doing, "do you mind if I steal Alina for a few moments. I would like to get some fresh air, but I'm not very familiar with the grounds."
"If you have to." The response was clipped but Irina took it in stride, pulling Alina up quickly.
"Great, we'll be back soon." She fell into step with her cousin, the two of them using the sliding doors to step outside.
Once she was outside, Alina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, allowing her shoulders to sag.
When she looked up, Irina was looking out into the grounds. Gestures like these were the reasons the other girl was her favourite cousin, she knew when to give her space, just like she knew Alina needed to leave the room.
"Would you like to get drunk?" She shook her head at the question.
"I'd rather not make a spectacle of myself."
"How about a little to take the edge off? This cannot be easy."
"It isn't, I- I don't want to risk being drunk around-"
"Enemies?" She looked sharply at the blonde whose blue eyes were shining in the late afternoon light. "What? Let's not pretend otherwise Alina, that is what they are."
"Yes, well-"
"And the important thing is that they see it that way." She didn't have an answer to that, knowing the other girl was right.
"I know, I just - it's easier to not think of it that way."
"I can imagine, but you cannot allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security. They won't do anything to you, they can't, there are terms in the treaty that prevent harm to you. At least that's what Misha was saying." Misha and Irina had been married for about a year, and he was worked for an advisor of the king.
"Well, that's comforting."
"I know it isn't much- wait, you mean that, don't you?"
"Yes." The look they shared then was significant, and Irina walked over to Alina, a comforting hand over her shoulder. "I know there isn't much any of us can do, but I'll try to do whatever I can."
"You don't have to."
"I want to. Write to me, alright? Maybe we can find some way to meet each other."
"I doubt that will happen." She caught sight of a butterfly on a pink flower and tried to lose herself in the beauty of it. Next to her, she heard Irina clear her throat.
"Has anyone spoken to you about tonight?"
"No, and you don't have to either." She'd rather not even think about it.
"Okay, just one thing, don't do anything you don't want to. No one is going to ask."
"Not even the king?" She somehow doubted the man would leave anything in her marriage to chance.
"Let your husband answer that," she could hear the derision in her voice as she spoke, "he's the one who has to answer question like those anyway."
"Right," Alina doubted it would be that easy, but she wasn't going to voice her thoughts, at least not about this.
"Do you know where you will be going for the first three days?"
"No, not really."
It was another custom, according to which, the bride and the groom had to spend the first three days after the wedding alone.
It was there to promote honesty between the two.
She somehow doubted that would happen for her.
"Alright. I wish there was something I could do for you."
"It's okay, none of us can do anything, not really."
A look of finality passed over Irina before she gestured back to the room. "We should go back in before your mother comes out. Plus, they're serving the food."
"Okay, let's go."
They went back in, and the fleeting relief she had felt had left as soon as her and Irina parted ways. She took her seat again just as the meal was served. She noticed however that a man sat in front of the general, and was taking small portions of his food.
"A tester?" She couldn't contain her question, and suddenly, his dark eyes were focused on her.
"Yes, you didn't think I would leave such a thing to chance." She shook her head, not entirely sure she wanted to have that conversation, or any, with him.
Most of the food tasted like chalk, she was barely able to eat anything, although that was probably at the prospect of spending the next few days alone with him. Irina was right, she was going into a place where she was going to be surrounded by enemies.
And she was going to be alone.
It didn't take long for the reception to be over, and then they were leaving before she could even comprehend what was happening.
For his part, the Darkling walked with her towards the coach she was going to ride in, but thankfully, he wouldn't be travelling with her. She wasn't sure how he would be travelling but was glad that she wouldn't have to spend hours stuck in a coach with him. She did wish she could see Mal one last time before she left, but there was no chance now.
And she didn't want to get her friend into trouble by even mentioning him in front of everyone.
Still, before she could get on the coach, she found herself being confronted with her mother, who was giving explanations about how Alina had forgotten something or the other, and dragged her to the side.
Alina followed along in confusion, a small flicker of hope rising in her chest, hoping that she could find some way to run away.
"What's going on?" She asked once they came to a stop, her mother's eyes as cold and hard as ever.
"What did Irina want to tell you?" Her voice was just as cold and Alina found herself pulling her wrist out of the punishing grip.
"Nothing important."
"I hope she didn't fill your head with nonsense as usual."
"Oh, what kind of nonsense do you think she said?" She felt her anger rising, her mother and cousin had never gotten along well, but still to disparage the only supporter she had in the house felt wrong, especially considering the circumstances.
"Something about running away maybe?"
"No, it was nothing like that, now, I should leave I think." She said desperate to get away from her mother.
"Very well. Just remember what I gave you in case things get bad."
"The poison? How can I forget it?" She saw the older woman's eyes narrow in a way that Alina knew signified an oncoming temper.
"I gave it for your protection."
"And yet, for some reason, you never asked me to poison the Darkling, only myself."
"I gave it to you to protect yourself, do you have any idea what will happen if you were to kill the commander of those….beings. Don't be foolish."
"They'll kill me in all likelihood. So it's fine if I kill myself like a coward, but not if I try to fight back?"
"He has a tester."
"So? How do you know I'll make it that obvious."
"Because you're a naïve child who knows next to nothing about this world. You'll do something stupid and predictable as usual-"
"Then why give me the poison at all?"
"To help you, you ungrateful brat."
"When have you ever done anything to help me?" She asked incredulously.
"I am your mother, I have given up my entire life-"
"You have given up nothing. You just handed me over to a governess and hoped for the best."
"Yes, well, that clearly didn't work, did it? Far from being the best, you aren't even tolerable." She could feel her vision get cloudy as her eyes filled with tears. "Ah, and here comes the waterworks."
"Did you pull me aside just to taunt me?"
"I pulled you aside to remind you that no matter who you're married to, your loyalties should lie with us, your family."
"Why wouldn't they?" She asked confused at the sudden change in topic.
"And that you should prove it to us."
"How can I- what are you talking about?"
"You really are foolish, and quite stupid at that." The words were hitting her harder than usual, and she felt herself getting angrier by the second.
"If all you want to do is taunt me, I'll just leave-"
"Stop being dramatic and listen!"
"What?"
"You will be allowed to send letters."
"So?"
"And you must prove your loyalty to us. Or else none of us will help you, and you need us." Cold disappointment washed over her as she realised what her mother was saying.
"If I don't spy on them for you, you'll leave me to die in there. That's what you're saying." Her voice was flat as she spoke, a chill passing through her at the thought. "You don't care what happens to me, do you? You just want me to get information for you. So why not tell me this before? Why wait so long?"
"They told me about it now. I would never have chosen you for such important work if it were up to me, but here we are. Of course, you are terrible at keeping secrets. You're quite useless when it comes to doing important things." Alina had heard these words all her life, yet they were somehow hitting her with newfound vigour all of a sudden. "Unfortunately, there's no one else who can do it, so we're stuck with you. If I could, I'd find someone to send with you, someone intelligent who could actually do it, someone who wasn't such a naïve, foolish little girl. Of course, I had to have a daughter like you-"
Suddenly, her hand was stinging, and her mother looked shocked.
Alina backed away once she realised what she had done.
"You-"
"I'm leaving." She turned around, disbelief and shame coursing through her as she made her way back to the coach.
One of the men that was sitting with them at their table was holding the door open for her, not making any attempt to hide the look of contempt that he was giving her.
She ignored the look however, climbing into the coach, thankful to be alone at last.
Her relief only lasted for a moment or two, when the two men from outside settled in across from her, giving her looks of suspicion and derision.
She held her tongue, not wanting to get into another fight, as she felt the coach lurch into movement. She found herself throwing one last look at the house she was leaving behind, a strange emptiness growing within her as they moved further away.
A/N - I know it's been a long time since I updated, but I should be able to have more time write now. Let me know what you guys think about this chapter!