"No, No, No, Ahhh."

I hate nightmares. I used to have them before but they have been getting worse. I have been at the temple for three months now. It is weird. Anakin has been off on missions and I stay here. Most of the kids are way younger than me. I am picking everything up quickly though. Lightsabers are fun to use. The studying is tedious. Especially when it is built on a foundation of knowledge that I should know by now. I don't know how much I agree with some of their ideas. As far as I have lived, emotions have kept me alive. How can you be emotionless and still compassionate? I talked to Anakin about it when he came back, he said that it is so we don't give in to fear and greed and anger. But, just because you don't want to be a rage monster doesn't mean we should be emotionless. All beings should be balanced. Count Dooku understood that more. He told me to use my emotions and transfer them into the force. Make it my power. From up until this point I have done that but, now everybody is saying that is wrong. But it works. I don't know. I am tired and sweaty, maybe a shower will help.

"Ahsoka, AHSOKA."

"What?"

"You are up to spar."

"Oh, ok."

I get into the center, opposite my opponent. This match is a timed, no weapon, spar. I usually dominate at these but today, I feel off. It is like my head is in a haze. It might be connected to my lack of sleep.

"Start."

We circle around the mat in our fighting stances. I try to remember the techniques we need to practice. They come in with a back roundhouse kick, I step offline and counter with a reverse punch, they fall back a little. Ok, maybe I will do good this round. I go in with a sidekick and step down to back knuckle when they pop me in the face. Good shot, I need to keep my hands up. I step in again not letting them dictate the match and they hook kick then round to my head. I fall to the mat. Wow, I usually am great at parrying hooks. I feel so heavy and tired. Come on get up. I stand and put my hands up. We start circling each other again then wham, pow, boom. And cue the blackness.

I stand in a black room. I am unable to speak. I walk toward a figure in the distance. As I get closer I see it is Numa. I try to speak but no words come out. She turns around and looks me in the eyes then smiles. My hand raises, a blaster in it. A single shot through the heart. She looks shocked then falls. The blaster falls out of my hand, it hits the ground with a big clank. I run to her body, it lays lifeless and limp. A tear slowly rolls down her cheek. I try to pick her up but she fades away. I silently scream to the black void around me. It is almost consuming. I sit there and cry trying to grab where she once laid. Then I feel something choking me, my body raises, and my feet dangle. I look forward and see it is I, who is choking me. I kick and squirm as I see myself smiling.

"STOP!"

I wake up on a hard medical bed. I am in the medical center. Wow, it is bright. I get up off the bed and head towards the gardens. I need some fresh air. The temple is starting to feel suffocating. Sweat glistens on me and my scars glitter under the light. Most of my skin is covered except my arms, which is one of the main places they kept tally marks. I finally get outside and breathe.

"Ahsoka, get a hold of yourself. Jedi do not have panic attacks. They are calm and collected. You just need to ignore your past. Adopt a new way of life. You were never a slave. You never had a family. You never knew Numa. You are not afraid Queen Scintel is after you. You are not worried about betraying Count Dooku. You fit in here. You are like everybody else."

I walk to the spot where Anakin and I looked at the ships on the day I was accepted. I was so happy, I didn't think. I lay down and look at the blue sky and the traffic. Everything is perfectly fine.

"Hey snips, what is up? I heard you were in the medical center. Something about you eating somebody's fist."

"Haha, very funny."

"No seriously, what's up? It is usually me apologizing to everybody because my padawan likes to beat up people."

"Well, I have just been super tired lately. I guess I didn't pay that much attention during the fight."

I am debating whether or not I should tell him about the nightmares. I never explicitly told him that much about my past. He also doesn't know how hard it is trying to fit in here. Everybody just seems so peaceful, while I am over here feeling the anxiety of the world at every second.

"Why have you been tired?"

"I am just tired, ok."

Oh no, too much aggression. Now he definitely knows something is up.

"Well, if you want to talk I am here."

"Thank you, master, but I think I am going to try and meditate."

"Well, I'll be around, they don't have any need for me at the second. I will be at Padme's, ring me if you need something."

"Will do, see you later, Master."

"See ya, Ahsoka."

I sit up and try to meditate. Focus on my emotion and let it go. Let it flow with the force. Focus.

Focus. Focus.
"UGH."

This isn't working. Instead of trying to relax by sitting with my thoughts, I am going to go practice in the gym.

I can sense the inner turmoil in Ahsoka. She is becoming more and more brushing off of stuff. I remember when I had to transition from one world to a whole different world. I still struggle to fit in with the rest of the Jedi. Padme will be nice to see after being off fighting those tin cans for so long.