*Spoilers ahead if you haven't watched 17x15*
I've been dreading this day for almost a week, and I can't believe it's finally here. Matthew and I will be having an actual conversation about all the…stuff that exists between us. Thankfully, Catherine knew Jackson and I both had a busy day ahead and offered to take Harriet to daycare. Jackson will grab her as he's leaving the hospital and bring her back here this evening, meaning I have almost the entire day to deal with Matthew.
We set up a call after lunch, at 1:00. I just told him I have some important information and left it at that, so I don't know what he's thinking the conversation will be about. My guess is the big d-word – divorce. We last left things sort of unfinished and unsaid. When he found out his sister was sick, he dropped everything and ran to Philadelphia pretty quickly, and rightfully so. Things between us at home were tense to say the least, and I think we were both glad to have some time apart. As the days turned into weeks, and I heard his sister was better, I wondered why they hadn't returned yet. I asked him about it and was shocked to get a text in return that simply said, "may not be coming back." We haven't really discussed it much further than that, apart from one phone call where he just said he needed a change. Our marriage is still intact in a legal sense, and we'll have to look at getting separated before even considering divorce, but I know that will be the final result of this down the road.
I pull a sheet off my sticky note pad on the fridge and start writing a to-do list for today. Other than calling Matthew, I need to rent a van to drop off all my boxes to be couriered to Boston. I took the opportunity to donate a lot of old stuff we don't use anymore and left some other things for me and Matthew to sort out later, but still have a solid chunk of mine and Harriet's belongings to bring that definitely will not fit on the Avery plane. I'd like to call and say goodbye to some of the good friends I've made in Seattle, namely Owen, Ben and Bailey from Grey-Sloan, and some others from my current work. I also need to return my car to the dealership and sign the final papers to terminate my lease. On the side of the note, I circle some numbers to serve as a triage list (the ER-runner in me has never really left) and get to work on number one.
By 12:55, I've tackled half my list and am sitting in my room with a half-eaten burrito from Chipotle. My iPad lies in front of me, taunting me to start my video call with Matthew. Four minutes later, I've summoned enough courage, take a deep breath and start the call.
"Hey Matthew," I say cheerfully to set the tone of the conversation.
"Hey April," he says equally as cheerful. "How are things going with you?"
"I've been good, just busy. How are you guys?" I start getting nervous – the further we get into pleasantries, the harder it's going to be to drop a bomb on him later.
"Good as well, thanks for asking," Matthew says in a way that's a little too formal. Why does this feel so uncomfortable? I hear something ruffle on the other line and Matthew starts hushing.
"Hold on, April. I think somebody wants to say hi." My heart melts as Ruby's fist pops up on the screen, followed by her face as her dad sits her up on his lap.
"Ap-wul!" Ruby exclaims, banging her fists together. Matthew and I have always made it very clear to her that I was not her biological mother and she's learned to just call me April as a result. Matthew was not looking for a new Karin in Ruby's life and I had no intentions of being a replacement mother. Ruby knows she had a mom who loved her very much and would have wanted to watch her grow up. She also knows that I love her very much – I'm the closest thing to a mother she's ever known.
"Hi Ruby! You've gotten so big since the last time I've seen you. You know who would have loved to talk to you? Hattie! Next time I'll make sure she's here to see you."
Ruby claps her hands and Matthew tells her to say goodbye while putting her back down.
"Sorry about that. She's really been itching to see you and I couldn't say no. Anyways, you said you had some important news. What's going on? Is everything okay?" he says in a worried tone.
"Don't apologize about Ruby, I've missed her too. We'll have to set up a virtual playdate for the girls soon. And yes, I do have some big news. Nothing is wrong, so don't be worried." I take a deep breath before continuing. "I'll just come out with the gist of it, and you can ask any questions you want about it when I'm done. Jackson is planning on taking over as head of the Avery, er, Fox Foundation. It's based out of Boston so he's moving over there. Neither of us could dream of being separated from Harriet, so she and I are going with him. I know it's crazy and out of nowhere, but I've thought a lot about it and I think it's time for a change," I say all in one breath. Matthew's face looks blank, and I can't tell if that's a good thing or not. The next words out of his mouth are so laced with venom that I can almost feel it through my iPad screen.
"Wow, April. I always knew I was a consolation prize to you. Twice, at that. Jackson will always be first place. I can't say I'm surprised to hear you're going back to him again."
"That's not fair and you know it. We aren't getting back together or doing anything remotely romantic. Besides, I wouldn't have married you if I wanted to be with Jackson. I-" I say angrily before he cuts me off.
"I would be laughing my head off right now if I didn't want my sister to think I'm a maniac. You wouldn't have married me if you wanted Jackson? May I remind you that you almost did exactly that? And would've gone through with it too if he didn't stand up. You are the most inconsiderate, out of touch person I've ever met," he spats.
I'm seething, not only at Matthew, but at myself because I know he's right. I did almost marry him when I wanted Jackson. Even after all these years, I'm not sure if I was consciously aware that I loved Jackson and trying to repress it, or if I had really convinced myself that I would be happy marrying Matthew.
"I'm sorry about that, Matthew. God, how many times and in how many ways do I have to apologize for it? I thought we had put that behind us, yet every time we have an argument it gets brought up."
"I tried, April. I tried to forget it, tried to forgive you, tried to put it in the past. But I think a part of me will always remember and be hurt. When you two ran out and disappeared, who was left standing in the barn embarrassed as hell? Me. Well, me and Stephanie, was that Jackson's girlfriend's name? What you two did was despicable. Still, I could've gotten over it had I not been constantly reminded of you choosing him over me," Matthew says quietly. I can hear the hurt in his voice. I know how hard he's tried to forget that day, tried to not hate me. He really thought God's plan for us was to get back together, and I think he's had a hard time accepting that it hasn't worked out the way he played it through in his head.
"Matthew, Jackson is Harriet's dad. You knew that when you married me. Whatever has happened between Jackson and I, he'll always be the father of my children. That he would be a presence in our life together was not a shock to you. I'm sorry for what I did and how you feel about it, but I will not apologize for having a good relationship with my daughter's father." Even more than that, Jackson is my best friend. He was my best friend long before we got married and has remained so ever since our marriage ended. I would have never removed him from my life to make Matthew happy, Harriet or not. I don't tell Matthew that, though. That would just add fuel to the fire.
"You can't tell me that you'd seriously drop everything and move across the country just for someone who you claim is only your baby daddy," Matthew says while rolling his eyes.
"First of all, don't call him that. We may have not been married when Harriet came along but he wasn't a random fling. And secondly, yes, I would drop everything so my daughter could continue to have a stable life. We're co-parents, which means we share parenting work equally. How could he and I possibly raise Harriet together living at opposite ends of the country? Jackson gave me a proposal, told me he wouldn't do it if I couldn't move, and I told him I'd go. End of story. He didn't rope me into it, and I'm not going for some nefarious reason to hurt you like you think. It's not like you were coming back to Seattle to be with me anyway, so why does it matter?" My voice gets louder and louder as I keep talking. I don't have the energy right now to coddle Matthew's fragile ego when it comes to Jackson.
"Maybe I was. Maybe I thought we could work it out between us and be a family again, but not after this. We're done, April. In every sense of the word." He doesn't sound angry anymore, just tired.
I scoff. "Don't come at me with that, Matthew. You weren't coming back and you know it. Now you're trying to guilt me into thinking this is on me when it isn't. You left first. Anyway, I didn't call you to fight. I've packed up or given away most of the stuff that belongs to me and Harriet, and what's left in the house is either shared or yours. Do as you please with it. We also have to figure out what to do with the house itself. If you really are going back to Seattle like you claim you are, you can buy out my share and be the sole owner. If not, we need to sell it and split the equity," I say brazenly. Jackson is right – I need to do what's best for me. After this conversation, I can't dream of letting him take the equity, especially considering the down payment was mostly my money in the first place.
"I need to think about it. What's your timeframe?" he says, voice back to normal.
"We're leaving tomorrow, but the house is no rush. We can keep paying the mortgage together as usual and work out something later. Although, I don't want a year to go by and still have us paying a mortgage on an empty house. A decision in the next few months would be good," I say calmly.
"That I can do. What about us? I think we need to get legally separated. Especially considering you'll probably be living with Jackson again and don't want to be a married woman in that situation." The corners of his mouth move up a tiny bit, and I can't tell if he's trying to be funny or mocking me. Most likely the latter.
"My living situation and whether it involves Jackson or not is literally none of your business. And I'm gonna ignore the implication that I'd ever cheat on you with him for the sake of not starting another fight. But yes, I think we should get a separation too. I'll talk to my lawyer." I'm old hat at this 'ending a marriage' thing. Whatever Matthew says doesn't faze me – I can have a separation agreement drawn up by the end of the week.
"I wasn't implying anything April, but whatever. I'll contact a lawyer too. Are we done here?" he says impatiently.
"I'm done, are you?" I ask. Part of me feels bad for letting this all go so easily. When Jackson first mentioned divorce, I almost drove us both mad trying to save our marriage. I made him come to counselling, wouldn't move out of the apartment, the whole nine yards. Now, I have Matthew bringing up a separation and I couldn't be happier about it. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not, I suppose.
"Yeah, I don't have anything else to say right now. Let's definitely set up that playdate for the girls. I'd like to talk to Har-Har too. Just because we're over, doesn't mean the kids can't still be sisters."
Shocked by his civility now, I nod. "For sure. We'll keep in touch and set a date for that. Bye, Matthew." He waves and we end the call. My head is pounding after all the arguing, and I know I won't be able to get anything else done from my list feeling like this. I close the blinds, take an Advil and pass out in my bed.
Around 10:00, Jackson shows up with Harriet. He texted that he was running late while I was out at the dealership, but I didn't think he meant this late. I open the door and see him holding a sleeping Harriet in his arms.
"So sorry I'm late. Meredith got released today and asked if I could drive her home. She's been sick for so long, I couldn't say no. Richard grabbed Harriet from daycare and took her over to their place, and she's been there with Mom for the evening," Jackson says apologetically.
"No worries, and so glad to hear Meredith is back on her feet. Actually, having the whole day gave me time to get everything done that I needed to. Come in, you can put Hattie in my bed. Her room is basically empty," I say as I usher them inside.
Jackson and I head to my room and tuck her in. "Got everything done, huh? I take it you talked to Matthew then," he whispers in an attempt to not wake up Harriet.
"Yeah," I respond as we turn off the lights and walk out. "That went…swimmingly."
Jackson looks at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, April. I still feel like I'm to blame for that."
"Don't be. Remember what I said about dropping the guilt? Besides, Matthew and I had problems far before Boston became a thing. It's been over for a while. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that. How did it go at work?" I ask.
"Not bad. Bailey wasn't nearly as upset as I thought she'd be. She seemed…proud? Meredith was happy for us. She says hi, by the way, and not to make yourself a stranger if you ever visit Seattle. She was sad that she'll be the only one left from her resident class, but she's resilient. I talked to Jo too. We've, uh, kind of become friends lately," he says.
"Jo Wilson? As in the girl whose best friend you ditched at my wedding?" I laugh. I wonder how that friendship happened.
"Yeah, a global pandemic will do strange things to you, I guess. She was fine too. I tried to talk to Maggie – despite all the bad blood between us, she's still sort of family. But I think she was pretty busy all day and I didn't catch her."
Hearing Jackson talk about Maggie that way weirds me out. Didn't they date? Now he wants to consider her a quasi-sister? I guess I can chalk his bad decisions up to the same reason that drove me to marry Matthew for a second time: temporary insanity.
Jackson gets a wistful look in his eye and keeps talking. "You know, as I was driving out, I looked inside the ER doors and saw two interns who kind of reminded me of ourselves. It made me think about all the stuff that's happened here. I still remember getting my residency match to Mercy West, flying out to Seattle and standing in that circle with all the interns on our first day in ugly orange scrubs. I remember how nervous you, Charles, Reed and I were when the merger happened and we thought we'd lose our jobs. I remember the shooting, living in Meredith's house, the boards, the plane crash, our wedding, Samuel and Harriet's birth. I think about all the amazing people I've been able to meet here: Meredith, Alex, Mark, Bailey, Ben, Richard…you. I may have grown up in Boston, but Seattle will always be the place that made me who I am today," he finishes with a smile. I can't help but start crying.
Jackson pulls me into a hug. "Oh, I didn't say that to make you sad, April. We've had a good life here. I think I'd be more upset to leave if you weren't coming with me, but we've faced everything that's been thrown at us in Seattle together and we'll do the same thing in Boston. Onwards and upwards, right?" he says, pulling back my face to look at him.
"To new horizons," I respond with a smile.
He smiles back, before getting a look of recognition. "I almost forgot. Tom Koracick caught me in the parking lot. I kind of offered him a job. He gave this whole speech about wanting to be an ally and I couldn't say no. He'll be there on Monday morning."
"Uh, okay? I didn't think you and Tom were friends," I say quizzically. Jackson knows about me and Tom, and he wasn't happy about it as far as I remember.
"Trust me, we aren't," he says with a dry laugh. "But he knows if he's a nuisance to you or me he'll be fired in an instant. I don't think we'll have to worry about him."
I laugh and untangle myself from his arms as we make our way over to the front door. "So, what time tomorrow?"
"Bright and early. 8:00?"
"We'll be ready! Goodnight, Jackson," I say as I see him out and close the door.