The Newest Moon Chapter 9: The Talk, a twilight fanfic

A/N: I almost cannot explain in words how much I loved writing this chapter. Please share your thoughts with me :)

Chapter 9: The Talk

Edward POV:

I really meant to leave her alone. I really did. She looked happy, I sure hoped she was. But I just needed to see her, one more time. Just one last time. So I told Alice that I wouldn't leave the hospital and that I needed a few minutes with Bella alone. She understood and went to our house in Forks.

Bella was sleeping restlessly, stirring a lot and mumbling something. I could have sworn I heard her mumbling my name, but that could also be wishful thinking.

After watching her for a few minutes, I could hear her very clearly;

´Edward...´

She was dreaming about me! She really was. I could not contain myself any longer. The woman I love, the woman I have always loved was dreaming about me. Even after all this time, I crossed her mind in her sleep. I put my fingers softly and briefly on her cheek, and let the warmth of her skin warm my own dead cold one. As if she could feel it, she tensed a little bit. I saw her brow furrowing a bit as if trying to understand something.

Suddenly she waved around a bit. I started laughing. What did she expect would happen? Her eyelids slowly flipped open. She saw me. She was looking at me. The crease between her eyebrows furrowed. She could not understand I was here, at all.

´Huh?´ she said.

I thanked all Gods, all angels and all heavens that were out there for hearing her voice again. She closed her eyes again. I needed to make some kind of contact with her, for her to realise that I was really here and I wouldn't go anywhere ever again unless she wanted me to. She looked at me again and I simply said;

´Hello, Bella.´

Bella. Saying her name again out loud. It was the best feeling in the world.

´Edward...´ she said. Hearing her say my name was even better than me saying hers out loud. She sounded confused.

´I´m sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you,´ I said. Of course, she was confused! She gasped in surprise. She was quiet for a few solid minutes while blinking constantly. What is she thinking? Suddenly her face fell and she looked sad. Did she not want me here? I mentally prepared myself for her saying those words, which were absolutely fair considering the things I have done to her.

´My brain…,´ she quietly explained. She was deeply distressed.

´What's wrong with your brain?´

´I'm imagining things. I´m seeing Edward. The doctor made a mistake.´ She closed her eyes again. Is this what she thought? That I wasn't really here? My dead heart sank, of course, she would think that.

´Bella, apart from a fracture, your brain is fine.´

´Sure, sure. I´m seeing him. I'm hearing him. I even feel him touching me. None of this is real.´ She opened her eyes again and looked at me.

´I assure you, I´m really here Bella.´ I gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

´Why?´

That was indeed a very good question. Because I could not stay away from her. I did not want that anymore. I needed her. Perhaps those reasons were a little bit too exhausting for her brain right now. I tried to give her the simplest reason.

´Alice saw you in a car crash. We were worried.´

Oh no, she wasn't having that answer. She started laughing evilly. She rolled her eyes at me, and I instinctively flinched. Bad answer, bad answer!

´So, they were worried about me…. But they weren't worried six months ago when they left me. How strange,´ she said with a fierce passion. She harshly removed her hand under mine. I missed her touch the second it happened. In my head, I made a quick overview of how I could best talk with Bella. Maybe reasoning with her, even. I didn't want to tire her any more than she probably was. But then again, the anger she had felt and still feels towards me… I wanted to make it right, even if I was too late for that. She could resent me afterwards, but I needed her to know that I have always loved her and I would love her until the end of my days.

´I´m so sorry about that,´ I said as I looked deeply into her eyes. Sorry, couldn't even cut it.

She noticed that the colour of my eyes were different compared to the last time she saw me. She took a deep breath before asking me; ´Why are your eyes so black right now? I have never seen them so dark before.´

Her mind works in mysterious ways, I thought while trying to hold back a crooked grin.

´We rushed over to here, so we didn't have time to feed ourselves.´

´I see. Is being here uncomfortable for you?´

Always so concerned for other people! Even after not seeing me for half a year, she was still concerned about my well being. Or her own, maybe she thought her blood tempted me too much to stay this close to her.

´No,´ I said truthfully. After being away from her for so long, her blood did not smell more appealing to me compared to the other sensations I felt being this close to her. I forced myself to not think about those sensations, as we needed to have this conversation now.

´In all honesty, being here is the most comfortable I have been in six months.´

She opened her mouth and closed it again. I had confused her deeply. Clearly, I needed to explain myself to her.

I did not dare to grab her hand again, afraid of her rejecting it. Instead, I had decided I would be as truthful to her right now as I could.

Here goes nothing…

´I lied that day, six months ago. I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be,´ I started. She quickly opened her mouth, probably to ask me if I would be lying to her right now.

´Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. That was… excruciating.´ That had hurt me even more than doing the deed, itself. She believed me, she really did.

´I have no reason for not believing you, Edward. Overall, when a boyfriend says something to his girlfriend, overall he wouldn't lie,´ she said, stabbing a knife through my heart with each word. She sounded irritated and had every right to be.

´You´re right, and I´m so sorry for putting you through that. I lied because I wanted to protect you. I lied because I wanted you to be safe,´ I pleaded. Please believe me, Bella. Please.

´Protection from what, Edward?´ She really did seem confused.

´From me, from my family. I was so afraid I would hurt you somehow and I didn't want to let that happen.´

She closed her eyes again and exhaled slowly. I had never seen her this angry before, her whole body was trembling. I prepared myself for her response.

´Then why didn't you talk to me about it? I particularly begged you to talk to me. To explain it to me. I would have understood your reasoning, Edward. But instead, you´ve ignored me for days. You shut me out.´

Tears started welling up in her eyes. I put my finger on them to wipe them away, but she quickly turned her head a bit, preventing me from touching her.

´Don´t, Edward.´

´Please, Bella. I know you would've understood it. But I… I wanted to try… Try to set you free. Try to give you a happy life, without me in it. A happy life, with a normal boyfriend who is absolutely and utterly right for you.´ As much as it would hurt me, but then she would be safe. And that's all I would want for her.

She took a deep and shaky breath. My words hurt her, I could see it in her eyes. Her heartbeat started to quicken, meaning she was more upset now than before. The words were coming out of her mouth, so fast, even I had to concentrate very hard to comprehend them.

´You did not have the right to do that. It was so harsh. You´ve said you were leaving and you didn't want me to come with you. Why shouldn't I believe that? You´ve said we both were a time bomb, waiting for the explosion. What has changed about that? You´re still not human, meanwhile, I am. That did not differ over the last six months. You´ve said I wasn´t good for you. Not good enough, you mean. Because we don´t fit and we will never fit, right? All of this for just a teenage crush, right? That's what you said. It would be the last time I saw you. And now you´re here? Why? So you can leave again when the going gets tough?

You took everything from me. Even the CD, my most precious gift. How could you? What gave you the right?´

Her words stung like knives as she repeated the hideous lies I've told her. She started crying and I wanted nothing more than to soothe her, but I knew she would not want that. Oh Bella, my precious Bella. What have I done to you? Can I ever make this right?

´Everything was a lie, Bella. Everything. I lied! But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible. I lied, and I´m so sorry. Sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. I´m sorry. I really did what I thought was right at that time. But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me? I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept, as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you.´

I put my hand in hers. She accepted it, and I was glad.

´Please Bella, I´m begging you. I don't know how to make this right.´

Her crying stopped for a second. I saw her trying to compose herself.

´How can I believe you right now?´ She eventually said. She still believed the lies. Oh, Bella, I´m sorry I did this to you. If I could turn back time, I would!

´I´m here now and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.´

I stroked her hair. It calmed her heartbeat a little bit. She even stopped crying, and I took that as a good sign.

´I. Will. Never. Leave. You. Again.´ I said very clearly as I looked deeply into her eyes. I saw pain flash there, anger and a third emotion I could not quite comprehend. Maybe hope?

´The hold that you have over me is way too strong,´ I continued. ´I was struggling every second I wasn't near you.´

´Edward…,´ she whispered. ´How can you expect me to believe this? All of this. When your actions have shown me something else? I don't understand this. At all. I´m so confused right now.´

She bit her lip. I longed to kiss her. I was becoming desperate.

´I understand and I´m so sorry. But why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?´ I was begging her.

That struck a nerve. The anger had returned on her face again.

´Well, you make it very hard to believe all of this. What am I supposed to make out of this? You are back and I should run into your arms? I don't think so! You left, Edward. And you did not talk to me about it. You made that decision, all by yourself.´

´You are right, you are absolutely right...And I'm more sorry for that than you can ever imagine. But I have to ask you one question, just one question please.´

She looked at me quizzically. I prepared myself for the hardest question I ever had to ask. I looked at her hand, which I was still holding. I gave it a gentle squeeze before I looked up to look at her beautiful face. A face that was hurt. Because of me.

´Just tell me whether or not you can still love me, after everything I´ve done to you. Can you? You don't have to spare me...´

´How I feel about you does not say anything about what's best to do right now. I don´t trust you, Edward. It pains me to say that, but I don't know if I can ever trust you after that stunt you´ve pulled. And trust is everything.´

I nodded.

´I understand.´

´Well, no. I don't think you understand at all. You really did hurt me, Edward. I simply just don't know if I can ever love you again after that. Now if you'll excuse me. I need to sleep. We might talk this through again tomorrow. Goodnight.´

She pulled her hand back, grabbed the blankets that covered her, turned around in bed and did not look up again.

Bella POV:

I forced myself to open my eyes, expecting to see nothing but darkness. What I did not expect to see was Edward standing right next to my bed. Edward? It couldn´t be! I was mad. I was a madwoman. This is brain damage at its finest. There was something wrong with me. What kind of brain damage leaves hallucinations of your ex-boyfriend? This was some form of accident induced schizophrenia or something like that.

´Huh?´ I said. I closed my eyes again. Stop this nonsense.

Brain, from now on, you'll be working again!

I opened my eyes again. There he was. Edward. He was still there. But how? Why? Huh?

´Hello Bella,´ he said.

This can't be happening?

´Edward...´ I struggled to find the right words. Wow, I´m hallucinating my ex-boyfriend. I´m really hallucinating my ex-boyfriend! I must be on some kind of anaesthesia or something like that. Something very strong since I can also feel him, holding my hand.

´I´m sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you,´ my hallucination said. I gasped in surprise. Even in my hallucinations, he is polite and courteous. I must ask the doctor what kind of drugs he had given me.

Wait a minute… In the best-case scenario, this hallucination is indeed the effect of some kind of heavy medicine. On the other hand, it could also mean my brain has officially stopped functioning altogether. Oh no… I´m mad.

´My brain…´

´What's wrong with your brain?´

´I'm imagining things. I´m seeing Edward. The doctor made a mistake.´

I closed my eyes, trying to think about possible scenarios where someone hallucinates things. What could this be, a tumour? Oh no, Charlie could not take that.

´Bella, apart from a fracture, your brain is fine.´

´Sure, sure. I´m seeing him. I'm hearing him. I even feel him touching me. None of this is real.´

I opened my eyes again. He was still there. But how?

´I assure you, I´m really here Bella.´ He gave my hand a little squeeze. And I could feel it. Weird.

Wait a minute, he was here. But why? So I asked him.

´Alice saw you in a car crash. We were worried.´

I really have no colourful imagination. Was this all I could come up with? Edward standing next to my bed, because he felt worried?

´So, they were worried about me…. But they weren't worried six months ago when they left me. How strange.´

I was never this harsh on the ´real´ Edward. Let's see how he would react to this. If I have an imaginary friend (or enemy) I might as well use it to my advantage.

´I´m so sorry about that,´ he stared at me. I noticed his eyes were black. That surprised me, each time I had seen Edward, his eyes were amber coloured. I asked him about it. Apparently, he rushed over to get to the hospital. I was slowly beginning to believe this version of Edward. I would never imagine a fake Edward with black eyes. If I remembered a fake Edward, his eyes would be amber.

I quickly remembered his appetite for my blood. This must be very hard for him! Standing so close to me, while being this thirsty. Wait, why am I even thinking about his well-being? I´m not concerned about him. F* him!

´I see. Is being here uncomfortable for you?´

NO Bella, you should not be asking that!

´No,´ he said. That was fine. I didn't care, I told myself.

´In all honesty, being here is the most comfortable I have been in six months,´ he continued.

I wanted to say; good for you, now get out of my room, but something in me refused the words to leave my mouth. Strange.

´I lied that day, six months ago. I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be.´

How dare he say something like that? Does he want me to believe he isn't lying to my face right now?

´Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. That was… excruciating.´

Something in me snapped. What kind of talk is this? Girlfriends trust their boyfriends and vice versa. Boyfriends or girlfriends don't lie to each other. It's as simple as that. A 100-year-old vampire should know that, right? It's not hard to understand.

I said so to him, and he told me some kind of BS excuse that he wanted to keep me safe.

Safe? Safe from what? I had been safe. Apart from that little incident at the party, I always felt protected.

´From me, from my family. I was so afraid I would hurt you somehow and I didn't want to let that happen.´

Ooooooooh. I closed my eyes, I needed to comprehend this new information. This didn't make any sense. I specifically asked him about it. Did he really…. ignore my request and just do his own thing? That egoistic…. That…. Aaaarggghhh...

I felt tears welling up. Oh no, I wasn't sad. There were angry tears. He wanted to wipe them away, but no. I want him to see them. Yes, see my tears, Edward. I´m pissed off at you.

Alright, that does it. Who was he to dictate that? For me? Was I dictating his life? Absolutely not. What gave him the right to do that? I was so pissed, I don´t think I´ve ever been as pissed off as I was right now.

I didn't want to continue this talk. I was crying so hard. Meanwhile, he was begging me, telling me everything was a lie. So I felt this miserable for six months, all for a lie? Only a lie? Because he felt the need to protect me, from what? His family? I call BS. He grabbed my hand and I could not pull away. I wasn't strong enough anymore. I have been so strong for six months and he broke me. Again. He came into the night, promising me sweet little things, telling me everything was a lie and telling me I was stupid to believe it. But what was I supposed to do? And he was asking me how he could make it right again? As if! As if I could still trust him after this.

´How can I believe you right now?´

He started stroking my hair. One part of me, a very small part of me, hoped this was all real. That this night really did happen. That Edward really returned. That everything was over, and he was back into my life. That Edward really promised me he would never leave me again.

But, my ratio took over. This wasn't real. Fairytales don't exist. And I, for one, did not believe in fairytales. He had completely vanished. He didn't even tell me where he went. One day, everything was fine and the next, he and his whole family were gone.

´Edward…,´ I asked. ´How can you expect me to believe this? All of this. When your actions have shown me something else? I don't understand this. At all. I´m so confused right now.´

That was putting it mildly. I wasn't even sure this night really happened. But then, Edward gave a very stupid excuse for an answer.

´… why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?´

I don´t know, Edward…. You tell me. What a stupid question was that! When someone lies to you, how can you know he isn't lying anymore?

Luckily for him, he had the guts to say I was right. He said he wanted to ask me something. He sure had balls, asking me for something. I didn't owe him anything at all. He was squeezing my hand. I'm guessing he really was afraid of what he was about to ask me. I didn't want to, but I became immensely curious.

´Just tell me whether or not you can still love me, after everything I´ve done to you. Can you? You don't have to spare me...´

What kind of question was that? What I felt for him, was separated from this. I trusted him and he kept me in the dark.

I told him I didn't trust him anymore. And that I didn´t know if I could ever trust him again after his actions. I saw the sorrow in his eyes as soon as I said the words. It didn't hurt me. Good, I thought. If only he could feel a little bit worse about the pain he caused me.

He kept saying he understood. But, if he truly understood, he would have never done it, to begin with. I was annoyed. He really did hurt me and a few cute excuses could not help with that.

As if he would still be there tomorrow, he he he. The drugs have probably worn off by then. I quickly fell asleep as I was exhausted. Seeing your ex-boyfriend really is tiresome.

The next day, I was released from the hospital. I asked the doctor if he had given me some kind of painkillers, but he said he didn´t. Weird. Must be the stress or something like that. Charlie picked me up, and I wasn't allowed to drive for a few months. Partly due to my head trauma and partly due to the fact I was grounded. So, I needed to be escorted to school by a police car every day, oh no…

As I arrived home, I went straight to the shower. It felt amazing to wash the hospital smell off of me. I put on some comfortable clothes since I didn't have to go anywhere that day. Brushing my hair, I walked inside my room, and I almost let the brush fall to the floor.

What?

On my bed lay a little package. I had already recognised it from across the room, but I still made my way up to it to examine it further. It was the CD. The CD Edward had given me for my birthday. The CD that had mysteriously left since he had mysteriously left. The CD I talked about last night. Last night, when I thought I was hallucinating. That could only mean one thing…

The Cullen´s were back!