"If she's not attached to me then she's attached to Carlos, she sleeps next to our bed if not in it, that is, if she sleeps at all, if we're not in her immediate sight line then she's a ball of nerves and anxiety until we are," TK said, leaning forward onto the counter at the fire station. "I found her sitting in the hallway outside of the bathroom this morning. She woke up and I was gone so she sat there until I got out of the shower."
Owen took a long drought of his coffee and nodded.
"Has she tried to sleep in her room since it happened?" He asked.
TK nodded.
"Once," He said remembering the night with a grimace. "She woke up screaming. Carlos had to go through the whole thing again to calm her down. It took an hour to get her to stop crying."
Owen's eyes widened.
"Are you serious? It was that bad?" He asked and TK nodded. Owen grimaced. "Where is she now?"
"Dozing on the couch in the garage," TK said, pointing to where Bailey was sitting, her eyes trailing from TK and Owen to the rest of the rest of the 126 and back again. "Carlos was called in really early this morning and the second he moved she was up and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. I think she fell asleep again about a half hour before my alarm went off."
"What time did Carlos leave?" Owen asked, curious as to how much sleep the teen hadn'tgotten.
TK looked up at his father and Owen knew that he wasn't going to like what he said.
"2:30." He muttered.
Owen's eyebrows rocked upwards.
"TK it's 9:30, she's been up since 2:30 this morning? What time did she fall asleep the first time?" He asked.
"Last night?" TK asked. "I fell asleep around midnight and she was still tossing."
Owen put down his coffee and leaned against the counter next to TK.
"TK this isn't good. She's running on fumes." Owen said.
"Trust me, I know. She fell asleep on the couch last night and I dropped a fry pan and she woke up in a panic. It took me almost an hour to calm her down," TK said. "Carlos has always been better at calming her down in the midst of a panic attack."
"You do just fine." Owen said, rubbing TK's back reassuringly.
"Yeah, well why do I feel like I'm failing her at every turn?" TK asked.
Owen chuckled.
"I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, son," He said, and TK looked up at him. "No parent, foster or otherwise, knows what they're doing."
TK's eyes shifted away.
"It's never something that they want to admit. But Bailey will be in a situations that you can't get her out of. You will feel angry, scared, nervous, but most of all you will feel useless. No matter how hard you push you will never feel like you are doing enough." Owen said.
"If this is a pep talk then it sucks." TK deadpanned.
Owen laughed.
"You can give her the tools, son. But it's up to her to use them." He said.
"So why am I going with you?" Bailey asked following Carlos out to his squad car.
He'd come to pick her up not long after lunch leaving Bailey whole-heartedly confused.
"Because," Carlos said, opening the back door for her since his partner was sitting in the passenger seat. "TK has a couple appointments that you can't go to and since you don't want to stay home alone or be somewhere without us, the police station is the only place you can go."
"What can I do at the police station?" Bailey asked.
"We've got WiFi, I think you can figure something out." Carlos said as Bailey climbed into the back seat.
"We've got donuts too." Carlos' partner said from the front seat.
"Oh hush, Mya." Carlos said.
"What?" Mya said, turning around so that she could look at Bailey. "It's true."
Carlos chuckled.
"We do." He conceded and Bailey laughed.
Carlos pushed the door closed and walked around the car to get in.
"So Bailey," Mya asked. "Carlos said that you're gonna start your Senior year at Austin High in a couple weeks. You excited?"
Bailey shrugged.
"I guess, it's been nice to be at the same school for two years now so I'm not starting in a new place." She said.
Mya smiled.
"That's always nice. I moved around a lot as a kid too only ever went to the same school for about a year and a half before moving around again until I went to college. Being the new kid sucked." She said.
"How'd you end up in Austin?" Bailey asked, happy to have somebody to relate to.
"Well, I went to college at UT and studied Criminal Justice and after I graduated I drifted towards police work so I joined the academy and here I am." Mya explained.
"That's cool." Bailey smiled.
"Do you know what you want to do after you graduate?" Mya asked.
Bailey shrugged.
"Not really. I've never really thought farther than high school because I never really had the ability to do anything beyond that," She said, looking at her hands. "Growing up the way I did, my main concern was getting through the next home or sometimes even the next meal, so I never really thought about it."
Since Bailey's eyes were on her lap she didn't see Carlos glancing at her in his rear view as he drove.
"You like to paint though, and you're really good," Carlos said. "Maybe you could do something with that?"
Bailey looked up, surprised that Carlos suggested it.
"You think? I always figured it would be more of a hobby than a career." She said.
Carlos shrugged.
"Why couldn't it be both?" He asked. "And if you're not comfortable with just going with art on its own than you could go to school and study something broad like business and minor in art and design, that way you have a general degree and the skills to be an entrepreneur if you decided to run your own business. Because I could not see you working in an office building. You're too independent, want to do your own thing. You would feel too suffocated going to meetings and giving presentations."
Bailey was shocked into silence. Carlos had just described and eased every bit of Bailey's personality and her anxieties in going to college. He had put it into a light that made it all seem so achievable and appealing. Carlos looked over his shoulder when they stopped at a red light.
"You good Bails?" He asked.
"Y-yeah," Bailey stuttered. "I just never thought about it like that."
"Like what?" Mya asked.
"I don't know, like I could have a future in something that I love. Every family I was with always told me that art was a feeble and unrewarding career path. Nobody really nurtured it I guess." Bailey shrugged.
"Well," Mya said. "They aren't Carlos and TK."
"I'm starting to learn that." Bailey said, her mouth cracking into a small smile.
When Bailey walked into the police station with Carlos and Mya she didn't know what to think. It wasn't exactly what she had expected. The bullpen was a large open space full of life. She'd been in a number of police stations growing up, every time she'd been brought in for "running away" from a foster home she would sit in one of the hard chairs next to an officer's desk until somebody came and got her. She stuck close to Carlos, her eyes down as she shuffled behind him. She ran right into his back when he stopped and she hadn't noticed.
"Woah," He said, turning around. "You okay Bails?"
"Mhm." Bailey hummed.
Carlos cocked a brow.
"Bailey," He said softly. Bailey looked up at him. "You're okay, mija."
Bailey nodded and gave him a small smile.
"Oh my goodness. This must be the famous Bailey." Somebody spoke up.
Carlos turned and saw Mitchell standing up from his desk and walking over to them.
"Indeed it is. Bailey, this is Mitchell Ferris, we went through the academy together." Carlos said.
"Hi." Bailey said quietly.
"Not much of a talker is she?" Mitchell asked.
Carlos hummed but said nothing more. Up until the S.W.A.T. raid there were times where nobody could get the teen to stop talking. But since that day if she wasn't comfortable or wasn't really forced to speak then you couldn't pry more than two or three words from the girl. Mitchell studied the girl for a moment. He was married with a three-year-old son, he knew the look that was in Bailey's eyes. Fear.
"She hangin' here this afternoon?" Mitchell asked.
"Yeah," Carlos nodded. "TK's got a couple appointments this afternoon so she's gonna stick with me."
"Well, I can't say that this is the most amusing place in the world, but it certainly isn't boring," Mitchell said before turning to Carlos again. "Are you gonna be patrolling Carlos?"
Carlos shook his head.
"Nah, I gotta catch up on some paperwork." He said guiding Bailey over to his desk.
Bailey sat in the chair on the side of his desk and drew her knees to her chest, resting her chin on her knee. Carlos ran a soft hand through Bailey's hair before stepping around her to speak to Mitchell. He could see Mitchell's fatherly eye on her, it was nearly identical to the look that TK and himself had adopted over the past days.
"If you have any ideas to help get her out of this funk, I'm open to hearing them," Carlos said, quiet enough so that he wouldn't disturb Bailey but loud enough for Mitchell to hear him. The last thing he wanted to do was make Bailey think that she was causing problems when she wasn't. All Carlos and TK wanted was to help her through her fear and anxiety in a healthy and productive way to limit her pain. "TK and I are worried."
Mitchell looked at his colleague and nodded.
"What have you been trying?" He asked.
"We've tried to get her involved in things at home and around the station but all she wants to do is sit and watch the world go by. She hasn't touched a paint brush which is beyond weird. She was drawing at first but now she won't touch any of her art supplies, or any books. Her phone is practically a glorified iPod with how little she uses it aside from listening to music," Carlos said, going down the endless list of concerns that he and TK had taken note of. "She can't sleep alone either."
Mitchell had been nodding along as he listened to Carlos but the last fact surprised him.
"Has she been sleeping with you guys?" He asked.
"Yeah," Carlos nodded. "She tried to sleep on her own earlier on and ended up having a night terror that was so bad that we had to hold her down. I think a part of me is glad she ends up in our bed because I can't get that picture out of my head. Her thrashing and screaming and crying," Carlos closed his eyes tight, the aftermath of Bailey's night terror playing over in his head like a horror movie. "But we're trying to get her out of her shell, our first priority is getting her healthy."
Mitchell put a hand on his friend's shoulder to get his attention.
"You're doing everything right, Carlos. Just keep being there and help her through the worst of it," He said. "You'll all get through it. You not only have an amazing man at your side but you have an incredible daughter to fight for."
Carlos nodded and looked back at Bailey. Mitchell was right, Bailey was incredible and they would fight for her.
Carlos watched as Bailey stared at the wall, her amber eyes blank of their usual spark. He looked down at the bag that TK had slipped him before they'd left the fire house. It had one of her sketchbooks in it, pencils, pastels, a couple small canvases, some small acrylic paint tubes, and a tray of watercolors.
"Hey Bailey, I will be right back." Carlos said.
Bailey looked over at him, her eyes swimming in anxiety.
"I'm just going right over there; you'll be able to see me the whole time." Carlos assured her, pointing over to the small kitchenette-like space in the far corner of the squad room.
Bailey followed Carlos' finger before nodding. Carlos got up and made his way over to the space. He quickly gathered what he needed. He filled a plastic cup with water, grabbed a couple plastic plates, and pulled a roll of paper towels out from underneath the sink. With his arms full he walked back to the empty desk adjacent to his. Bailey's brows furrowed as she watched him.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
Carlos said nothing as he pulled the bag from under his desk and laid out its contents. Then he pulled her up and sat her down in the desk chair. He put one of the canvases in front of her and held a paintbrush out to her.
"You haven't picked up a paintbrush in almost two weeks. It's time that changed." He said.
"B-but," Bailey stuttered. "What am I gonna paint?"
Carlos smiled as he sat back down at his desk.
"In my previous experience, that hasn't stopped you before." He said.
Bailey sat for a moment, staring at her canvas. Her mind was blank, no colors swirling, no images flashing, nothing. There was a bang across the room as a door was pushed hard against the wall and two officers dragged in a suspect who was fighting their hold. And then nothing but images started flashing, too many images.
"Can we get some help over here please?!" One of the officers called and a couple people hopped up to help them restrain the man.
Bailey's head pounded and she dropped her brush. She groaned as she pushed the heels of her palms into her eyes, trying to make it stop.
"Sir stop fighting." They were saying and suddenly she wasn't in the squad room, she was home. The man in cuffs wasn't a stranger off the street, it was TK. The shouting, the fighting and Bailey was starting to panic.
She groaned again and shook her head. She felt hands on her and she jumped back, tripping over something and then she was falling. Somebody caught her but she still didn't know what was going on.
"Woah missy, you okay sweetheart?" Somebody asked.
Bailey flailed away.
"Bailey, open your eyes," She knew that voice. "Bailey it's me, mija, it's Carlos. Open your eyes."
Bailey shook her head, her hands moving too her ears as the room got louder, it was too loud.
Carlos' eyes only left Bailey for a moment when a couple officers dragged in a suspect. By the time he turned around Bailey was gone. He jumped up and circled around to where she had been sitting and saw her on the ground, Casper kneeling in front of her.
"Casper, back away." Carlos said.
"Reyes, what's going on?" Casper said, backing away from Bailey.
"She's having a panic attack. The door slamming must have triggered it," Carlos said before kneeling in from of Bailey. "Bailey, open your eyes. Bailey it's me, mija, it's Carlos. Open your eyes."
Bailey pulled farther away and moved her hands from her eyes to her ears.
"Too loud," Carlos figured, the shouting was probably too similar to what had been said during the raid. He turned to Casper. "Do we have any noise cancelling head phones anywhere? Like blackout."
Casper thought for a moment.
"Um, yeah I think so." He said and shuffled away to find them.
Bailey was fidgeting all over the place. He could tell that she didn't like the feeling of her sweatshirt on her skin, it was too overstimulating. Casper skidded to a halt next to him and held up the headphones.
"I'm gonna move her hands and then you are going to put on the headphones, okay?" Carlos said.
Casper nodded and Carlos gripped Bailey's wrists gently before pulling them away from her ears. Casper quickly placed the headphones on her and she visibly relaxed as the noise in the room disappeared. Carlos held her hands firm though, waiting for her to open her eyes. Slowly, she did. The first thing she saw was Carlos and her eyes flitted about for a moment but he shook his head. She felt pressure on her wrists shift as he moved both of them to a single hand. He used his free hand to catch her attention and he pointed to his own eyes, telling her to focus on him. She did, though she was still panicked. She watched as he motioned for her to follow him as he breathed in deep and the exhaled. In and out, in and out they breathed until Bailey could feel her heart rate even out and her eyelids drooped. She watched as Carlos looked around saying a few things to some people before looking back at her again. He pointed to his ears and then to her. Headphones? She nodded and he slowly took off the headphones, slowly easing them apart so that she wasn't flooded with noise. The bullpen was much quieter now and Bailey was able to stand the volume better.
"Mija?" Carlos asked quietly.
"Hmm." Bailey hummed, suddenly feeling a crushing exhaustion wash over her.
"You tired Bails?" Carlos asked.
Bailey nodded.
"Okay, I'm gonna pick you up. We've got a cot in the break room and it's nice and dark and quiet so you can take a nap." Carlos said.
Bailey nodded but barely felt Carlos pick her up. She rested her head on his shoulder and felt her eyelids close.
"Sleep, mija. I'll be here when you wake up." Carlos whispered and the noises slowly drifted farther and farther away.