Warnings: Parental dispute (found in first flashback) and panic attack (second/last flashback). Please skip if you need to and stay safe :)

"Do you even care anymore?"

Thud. A perfect shot. Antonio had hit his ball directly in the tree's center.

"I care. I care about providing for us. For this family! Do you think we would have all the same things - this nice house, live in this neighborhood, send Toni to a good school - if I didn't work so hard?"

Thud. Another goal.

"You work too much. We can do without some things if you were just home more often. Don't you think Antonio misses his father? Do you not believe I miss my husband?"

Antonio dribbled the ball from foot to foot. He circled the tree and then started hopping, seeing if he could do that thing where he could balance the ball while switching it between feet.

"I do what I can for this family. What do you do?"

The ball fell. It rolled away on the ground.

"Raise our child? Is that not important to you?"

Antonio didn't go after the ball.

There was silence from inside the house. Then more talking. It came out as mumbling to Antonio's ears since he was outside and they were now using a normal volume for their conversation.

Antonio continued to stare after his ball which had come to an eventual rest in the middle of the yard.

"Toni? Mijo, it's time for dinner." His mother's sweet voice called to him from the doorway. It sounded strained.

Antonio looked up. He didn't move for several long seconds.

Then he slowly walked into the house, leaving his ball behind in the grass.

-/-

It didn't take long for Antonio's and Emma's weekend date to turn into another, then several others. It really wasn't long until they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

"Official?" Lovino had scoffed when he'd told him. He had been the first Antonio had told and it had only been later the same day it had happened. Antonio knew he hadn't technically been in the wrong for the misunderstanding that had happened before, but that didn't stop him from wanting to prevent it from happening again. He made sure that he considered the things that Lovino might want to know about his life, as long as they weren't too personal. "We're freshmen in highschool. What does 'official' even mean?"

Antonio shrugged. "I guess it just means we're exclusive. We hold hands and stuff. Maybe we'll kiss; I don't know."

At this, Lovino practically choked on his own spit. "Kiss?"

Antonio looked over, concerned for his friend. "Yeah?" It wasn't a committed answer. "I mean, that's what couples do, don't they?"

Lovino shifted, neck a bit red, but face buried in his textbook. "I guess." He mumbled.

Antonio shrugged and stretched, folding his arms behind his head and leaning against the trunk of their tree. He checked the timer on his phone. There was still fifteen minutes to go.

He sighed. "Lovino, have I ever told you that you work too hard?"

"Yeah. Constantly, actually." Lovino replied, turning a page in his textbook. He had placed it back on the ground once his face had gone back to its normal shade.

"Well, you do. What are you even studying for anyway?"

"Psychology."

"When's that test?"

"Um, in two weeks, I think?" Lovino looked between his textbook and notebook. Antonio groaned.

"You have plenty of time to study for that class! What are you doing with your life, Lovi?"

Lovino simply flipped him off, again not even looking up. "I have homework for the class too. And it's good to spread out studying the material so you can retain it easier."

"Is that something you learned in psychology?" Antonio asked.

"Yes. Actually, it is."

Antonio hummed. "What are you learning about now?"

Lovino was quiet and Antonio thought he may have been so absorbed in his reading that he hadn't heard. Then, he spoke up.

"States of consciousness."

"Ooo! Sounds interesting. What's it about?" Antonio sat up, resting his hands on his knees.

Lovino shrugged. "Drugs. Hypnosis. Sleeping. Dreaming."

Antonio's eyebrows hiked up. Interesting.

"Really? Like what?"

Lovino looked down at the text. "Well, right now I'm at the part about sleep. It's talking about circadian rhythm and melatonin and the different stages of REM."

"Mmhm…" Antonio hummed, encouraging him to continue.

"Well, melatonin is the hormone your body produces to regulate your sleep. More melatonin, more sleep. As a person gets older, less melatonin is secreted by the pineal gland. Thus, an adult doesn't sleep as much as a newborn."

Antonio nodded and Lovino continued.

"Circadian rhythm is defined pretty easily. It's your biological clock. It kinda tells your body when to produce more melatonin so you sleep at the appropriate time. Then you have your stages of sleep. When you're awake, your brain produces Beta and Alpha waves. Beta are for when you're alert and Alpha for relaxed. Then you go into hypnagogic state, which is when you're falling asleep. Then NREM1 which have Theta waves, NREM2 which also have Theta but also have these things called sleep spindles, then into deep sleep, NREM3, where you have your Delta waves."

Lovino looked up and Antonio was sure his face must have said it all because he smirked and closed the book.

"I guess that's a bit much though. Not like you'll ever be going to sleep and be like 'What a nice hypnagogic state this is. I should do this more often.'"

Antonio laughed. "Yeah, I guess it went over my head a bit. Is there always a lot of technical stuff in psych?"

Lovino shrugged. "Depends. Mostly a lot of old experiments that would be illegal nowadays and vocabulary of shit you didn't know they had a word for."

Antonio hummed. "Anything about actual sleep though?" Lovino made a confused sound. "I mean, like, tips to get a good night's rest? You'd think with a class that tries to understand human thought and behavior they'd include some."

"Uh, yeah. Nothing revolutionary though." Lovino said. Antonio stayed silent hoping he would continue. Lovino sighed and consulted his notes. "Stretching and exercising. Breathing. Avoid caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants. Keep a good sleep schedule and comfortable sleeping space."

There was a pause. Antonio spoke. "Not half bad ideas."

Lovino scoffed. "In theory."

"I think you just stress over it too much."

Antonio let that be food for thought as he grabbed the textbook beside Lovino. The page was still marked with a scrap paper inside and he flipped it open. He read over it a bit. "Hey, this stuff is pretty interesting." Antonio said after a while, "How about this: a change in sleeping schedule or exposure to bright light can reset your biological clock. Something about electronic screens stimulating the brain into thinking it's daytime? Wow, that explains so much. I should really tell that to Gilbert haha."

Just then a great droplet of water fell on Antonio's nose. "Huh?" He looked up and, through the sparse foliage of the oak above them he could see great grey clouds, plump with rain and looking ready to release their torrents any minute. "Uh oh."

Lovino, who had followed his gaze, jumped into gear before Antonio was able to think. He started throwing things in his bag while warning over his shoulder, "Come on!"

Antonio startled as well and as soon as they both had slung their bags over their backs the downpour began. They both ran immediately, tennis shoes smacking against the pavement and arms pumping wildly. It was a race to remain dry, a feat neither of them accomplished. Lovino threw up his hood, but Antonio, who never wore a jacket for the life of him, had nothing. He didn't mind the cool streaks of water down his face though.

By the time they both got back to Antonio's house they were soaked to the bone. He didn't know about Lovino, but Antonio's socks were squishy, his shirt was stuck to his torso, and his hair was slick against his forehead. When they walked in they practically flooded the hallway before Antonio's mother scurried in.

"Oh boys! You're soaked! What were you doing, playing out in the rain? You're both going to catch a cold." Antonio's mother fretted, "Take your shoes off and go get changed. I'm sure you can find something for Lovino here. I'll go make something warm for you two."

So the two boys migrated upstairs to change. Antonio had to shuffle around through his drawers for a while, but he finally found Lovino some drawstring sweats he could use and a dry t-shirt. He retrieved towels to dry off their hair and, by the time they were finished dressing, both in warm house clothes, a sweet aroma was wafting up from the kitchen. They were there in no time.

"Grilled cheese…" Antonio said dreamily as he reached for one. His mother smacked his hand with her spatula.

"They aren't done yet." She said, Lovino chuckling behind her. Antonio pouted and slinked off. "So how are you, Lovino? School is well this semester?"

"Yes ma'am." Lovino replied, always polite with ladies, "Sorry for ruining your front hallway."

Ms Carriedo (having ditched her husband's last name long ago) waved her hand, pushing away the notion like it was the very definition of ridiculousness. "Not at all. I'm just glad you boy's got home before any real damage could be done to your health." She turned toward Antonio. "Though that still remains to be seen." Back to Lovino. "He won't ever use a jacket, will he?"

Lovino shrugged. "I'm just surprised he can still be so warm natured up in New York. California's one thing, but up here he's like a living furnace."

Ms Carriedo giggled at that. "Yes, that is the perfect way to describe mijo." She pinched Antonio's cheek, much to his displeasure, "A living furnace."

Antonio swatted his mother's hand away, all the while still grinning. He may have been subjected to relentless teasing, but he couldn't help it. His mother and Lovino were the two sweetest people in the world.

To further this point, just then Lovino set about to put on the kettle. "Earl Grey, right Ms Carriedo?"

"Oh, you don't have to, Lovino. I can do that."

Lovino shook his head. "Kettle's already on."

"Well, thank you and Earl Grey would be great. Aren't you just the sweetest boy?" Ms Carriedo turned back to her cooking, flipping a sandwich on the pan and humming to herself.

Antonio was practically jumping. "Oh, Lovi! Can I have hot cocoa? Please! Please!"

"Gosh, you're like a child, Toni." Lovino responded, turning away to check the cupboards for tea and (hopefully) hot chocolate packets. "Do you even have any?"

"Yay!" Antonio cheered and leapt over to help his friend. Once they had retrieved the items and the kettle had boiled, they both set about to preparing the drinks - tea for his mom and Lovino and hot chocolate for Antonio, in which he piled a mountain of mini marshmallows atop. The drinks and sandwiches were done almost simultaneously and they all helped to get it all to the table.

Lovino and Antonio dove into the sandwiches, not even realizing how hungry they'd been until now and Ms Carriedo sipped at her tea. When they were done, they all sat contently, sipping on their beverages, listening to the patter of rain outside, and enjoying the warmth of the mugs in their hands and socks on their feet.

The washer dinged and his mom asked him to go switch it out. Antonio wasn't pleased to have to leave the comfortable atmosphere but if it was for his mom then he could do it. She worked too hard anyway.

So that was when Antonio found himself kneeling in front of the washing machine, pulling clean, wet clothing to the dryer. The detergent on them was easily noticeable and Antonio appreciated the scent as he worked. It didn't take long before there was a heap of clothing enjoying the bottom of the dryer and for Antonio to close them in their dark chamber, turning the spin cycle on.

And now he was making his way casually back to the room he had left his mother and friend in.

"I don't really know what to do about it…" he heard Lovino say. Antonio stopped, unsure as to why. There was something in his friend's voice, something that told Antonio to give them space.

"I know I'm a mother which probably makes me really biased, but I think if she wants to talk to you - and Feliciano - you should give her a chance. Maybe there's something there. Maybe you should give it a shot." His mother's voice was kind. Antonio had heard this tone many a time. It was reassuring and she always knew just when he needed to hear it.

Which made him wonder, why did Lovino need to hear it now?

Well, the answer was obvious when Antonio had heard what they were talking about.

He walked into the room. "Hey guys." Lovino startled and his eyes darted from Antonio's mother to Antonio and down to the cup he held in his hands. He looked slightly guilty and embarrassed. Most of all, he looked closed off.

Why was it that more and more lately Antonio had seen that closed off look from Lovino?

"Hello Mijo. Did you put the clothes in the dryer?" His mother asked, acting for all the world like she hadn't just been having a private discussion with his best friend. Why were mothers so good at that?

Antonio nodded and hummed his affirmative.

"Alright. Then I guess I better get going to work. My shift goes from six to midnight tonight, so will you be alright for dinner, Toni?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. Love you, Mom." Antonio kissed his mother on the cheek and she left the room, no doubt to go gather her things and be off.

"I guess I should go too." Lovino tried to say nonchalantly, shrugging and standing. "The rain has let up and my dad will want me home soon."

Antonio chewed at his lip, unsure as to all the emotions bubbling in his stomach. He wanted Lovino to stay. He wanted his friend to tell him about what was bothering him.

But he couldn't bring himself to stand in his friend's way to the door. "I'll bring the clothes back later. See you tomorrow at school." Lovino said, having stuffed on his shoes and slung his backpack onto his shoulder.

"Okay." Was all Antonio could respond with.

Lovino looked back and seemed to hesitate, then he turned around and ducked his head, making his way out into the few drops that still fell outside.

"Give him some time." His mother's voice said from behind him. Antonio thought she might be right, but he couldn't get Lovino's words from a few weeks ago out of his head.

We tell each other everything, don't we?

-/-

Antonio gave it a week. Then, because he really couldn't think of anything else to do, he gave it another week. In two weeks time, Lovino still hadn't brought up what was bothering him, and it sure as hell was bothering him. Every day the boy seemed to grow more agitated, more worrisome, and buried himself further and further into the hole of study and work.

Antonio was about done with it.

One day after school Antonio headed to their tree. Sometimes they planned on meeting there but, on most occasions, they just went and happened upon the other. They were at the tree a lot which meant "happening" upon one another probably couldn't have been the best way to describe it. More like "expected" each other.

So Antonio wasn't surprised at all to see Lovino already sitting there, studying, as was his norm. Something rolled in Antonio's gut as he approached.

"No studying today." He commanded, arms folded across his chest as he looked down at his friend.

Lovino looked irritated at that. "Not today, Antonio."

But Antonio wasn't in the mood either. He bent down and took the textbook right out of Lovino's hands.

"Hey!" Lovino made a mad grab for the book, but it was already out of reach. He leapt to his feet. "Antonio, I cannot do this today. I've got three tests tomorrow."

"Well, you should be prepared then because all you do is study!" Antonio retorted. Lovino looked shocked at this and Antonio couldn't really blame him. Antonio never let things get to him like this; he was never in a mood. "I'm sick of you working so damn hard. Give it a break! The world won't implode if you breath every once in a while, Lovino! I'm tired of having to physically drag you away from those books!"

"No one asked you to, Antonio!" Lovino shouted back. "If it's such a damn hassle then you can just leave and forget about it! I work because I want to get good grades; I want to go places after school and be something!"

"That's not why you do it." Antonio's voice got very level, very serious all of the sudden. "You do it for your dad. Admit it." Then he couldn't control his voice again and it went up, "Well, guess what, Lovino? It will never be enough! You try so hard and he doesn't even look."

Silence washed over them. A horrible horrible silence.

"Lovi…" Antonio tried. He really tried. "I didn't mean-"

Lovino shook his head severely. His knuckles were white and he wouldn't look him in the eye. "No." He turned away. His voice cracked. "No."

Then he stooped and gathered his things. Antonio didn't stop him.

When Lovino walked away Antonio stayed at their tree for a while. It was a silence full of dread that weighed around him, one that he simply could not shake. Perhaps he deserved it for what he had said.

He shook his head and held it in both his hands. How could he ever expect Lovino to forgive him for something like this? How could he ever forgive himself for hurting his best friend like that?

Antonio let himself fall into a quiet misery as he continued to stand under that tree for hours. He could let his anguish envelope him now that he was alone, something that was somehow impossible when others were around. He was always "happy Antonio" to other people. He was the one who didn't let a thing bother him, either too stupid or too carefree for negativity.

But everyone suffered and now Antonio hated himself for what he had done. He didn't want to smile after this. It would be like pretending none of it had ever happened. But he knew as soon as he got home, got to school tomorrow, happy, carefree Antonio would be back and his mistakes would still be there. Concealed where no one could see.

-/-

When Antonio first met Lovino, he wasn't always so high-strung.

Lovino used to procrastinate everything and protest anything his father told him to do. Antonio still had no idea why that had changed, but it was as if one day, it all did.

"Whatcha doing?" Antonio asked, walking up to their tree. They were both in the seventh grade and neither had that much homework or anything normally, but recently it had seemed Lovino was swamped with it.

"Just studying." Lovino looked up and shrugged, watching his friend set his backpack down and plop himself next to him.

"Really? Why?" Antonio asked. They had the same classes, so Antonio knew that no tests were coming up or difficult material being taught.

Lovino shrugged again. "Preparing."

Antonio let the vague answer go. It wasn't like him to pry. Not at that age.

So he just took out his DS from his bag and played for a while, providing his friend the silence he needed. Just because he didn't want to study didn't mean he had to disturb Lovino.

Looking back, Antonio knew Lovino hadn't been acting like himself, but it had happened so gradually that, in the moment, it wasn't a worry for him. Lovino studied a lot now and, if Antonio had thought about it, the boy had begun to turn down a lot of invites to hang out too. He didn't notice though. No one noticed.

Until it happened right before him - something that was very hard not to notice.

Antonio was silently playing his Mario game while Lovino had been looking over one of the school textbooks. Their teacher barely ever used that book. Things were normal between the two. It was like it happened completely out of the blue.

Lovino's breathing had started to become irregular. It picked up pace, as if the boy was close to hyperventilation. Antonio looked up, concerned, and found his friend frozen rigid. His muscles were all tensed up, eyes trained on the textbook in front of him but taking none of it in.

Antonio sat up quickly. "Lovino?"

Lovino's eyes jumped up and he seemed afraid. His eyes focused on him for only a second before it seemed like they were looking into empty space. Lovino sucked in air and threw his head back down. To the textbook. To the textbook.

"I'm fine." He practically gasped in a barely audible voice.

Lovino was still, as still as possible. He was holding his breath and looked as though he would give anything to read the words off of the page in front of him. His eyes found empty space. Antonio could see it. He could see his friend's struggle.

"Lovino, what's wrong?" Antonio asked. He had no idea what to do. No idea what was happening.

"Nothing!" He nearly shouted, his voice wavering. He probably would have if he wasn't so occupied with taking in lungfuls of air. He held it in again.

Antonio gripped his shoulders. "Stop that!"

Lovino's head snapped up in alarm, eyes wild in fear. Antonio held tighter, not sure if that was the best thing to do. He was so lost. He felt like that look in Lovino's eyes: lost and afraid.

"Stop holding your breath; you'll make it worse!"

Lovino didn't listen. His eyes found his textbook again. "I'm fine." He whispered once more. His eyes searched desperately over the words that littered the book in front of him.

Antonio grabbed his chin and forced him to look up. "Lovino. Breath." He was taking charge. He didn't even think twice about it; he just had to get Lovino to calm down. "Like this." Then Antonio took in a deep breath, holding out against the impatience his fear festered in him. He waited for Lovino to catch on and shakily take one in too.

He exhaled, equally as agonizingly slow and waited. They did that for… however long it took. Honestly, Antonio had no idea how long they had been there.

When it was over Antonio didn't remember much about what happened after. The experience had been intense enough that all other thoughts seemed washed from his memory of it.

He did recall though, after that it was a while until Lovino would come back to their tree.

CV: Heya! I hope the warnings at the top were sufficient. It would be a tremendous help if anyone has any suggestions for them. I would really like for the reading experience to be safe for everyone, so let me know if I've missed any warnings or need to elaborate them in any chapter.

Thank you all so much and I will see you in the next chapter!