A/N: Hello everyone! While we are sure most of you on this site are perfectly fine with the use of alcohol, we decided to warn you just in case. Characters in this chapter may get a little tipsy...or completely smashed. Enjoy!

"So," Sirius said, leaning against his desk. "Geminio played a drastic role in seventh year. I figured it would help you all—the starving students you are—to gather enough alcohol for your final year."

"Sirius," Severus growled, standing up. "No, they are sixth years. This means they are sixteen."

Hermione jumped from her seat. "I'm seventeen."

"Do you plan on buying everyone copious amounts of alcohol?"

"No, that's a stupid idea."

"Especially when Geminio will double your supply," Sirius said, rising. "Besides, everyone will be seventeen next year and needing the alcohol."

"Is your plan to cause the entire school to become alcoholics by the time their seventeen?" Severus asked, brow furrowed.

"Half of them won't last through the war. They deserve this."

"Sirius!" Hermione yelled.

"Well, they might as well learn that now."

A cellphone chimed. The class gasped.

"Seriously? You haven't learned what a cellphone is yet? I thought after my first couple classes you'd be excited to learn what's going on." Sirius flipped the phone open. "Hello? Yes, and what are you wearing?"

"Sirius," Hermione hissed, her head in her hands.

"It's a valid question, Mione."

"In what universe?"

Her professor ignored her. "Really? Now? That can happen? She's early. Well, I guess she doesn't have to be on schedule." His eyes widened. "Don't shout! Fine, I'm on my way."

"Uhm, Sirius?" Harry asked, brow quirked.

"Whelp, everyone, I'm off to have a baby." He turned and ran upstairs, leaving the class speechless.

Remus descended moments later, eyeing the shocked crowd. "Why did Sirius just floo out of here? What did you lot do now?"

"I don't think we're the ones who made him pregnant," Draco said.

"Since when is Sirius pregnant?"

"You know what I meant."

"Class dismissed," Severus yelled out. He turned to the wolf. "Come on, Lupin, let's go save the muggles from Black."

"Huh?"

They flooed over St. Mungo's to apparate to the Royal London Hospital, finding Sirius in the waiting room with an open bottle of firewhisky.

"Black," Severus said, yanking the bottle out of his hand, "you can't have alcohol in a hospital." He examined the contents. "Besides, when did you have the time to grab this?"

"I always have it on me." Sirius shrugged. "You never know when you're going to get to a party and there's no alcohol available." He smiled. "Besides, you said Madonna would be here."

"She was otherwise engaged," Remus said, rubbing his eyes. "Besides, your daughter is a wee early."

"I love the fact you actually know she's busy," Severus said, eyes narrowing.

"I was thinking about taking Annie to one of the concerts soon. The performer is in the colonies currently."

"Can I have some of that?" Harry asked, snatching the bottle and taking a swig.

Sirius's mouth dropped. "Hey! Why can he drink and I can't?"

Severus sighed. "He's not the one having a baby, Black."

"Is she here?" Pansy asked, running up to the group.

"Parkinson?" The dark potions master grimaced. "Crabbe? Goyle?"

"Present," the two boys said.

"If you don't return to Hogwarts this instant…"

"But…but we want to see the baby." Pansy held up a onesie. "I spent all last month magically knitting this." She scowled. "Besides, why do they get to be here if I don't?"

"Because they're not Slytherins. I have no control over them." Severus glared at the four currently taking shots from the second bottle of firewhisky. "Black! Two?"

"Actually," Remus held up two more bottles, "we have a bigger problem here."

"Perhaps we shouldn't have taught them that spell so soon," Sirius said, brow furrowed.

"You think?" Severus sighed, snatching one of the unopened bottles from Remus. "Give me that."

"Wait," Hermione called out, pointing her wand. "Geminio."

"Miss Granger, really?"

"We're celebrating, aren't we?" She pointed her wand at the one Remus held. "Geminio." She smirked. "Besides, we have three people we didn't originally account for."

"We didn't account for the alcohol any way."

"Yes, that was a happy surprise." She took another swig. "I also brought some champagne." She pulled out a bottle out of her purse.

"You've been carrying that around Hogwarts?" Remus asked, scowling.

"Well, I knew Sirius was due for some time now." She pointed to the champagne. "Geminio."

"You do realize I'm not the one pregnant, right?" Sirius said, grimacing.

"Well," Draco shrugged, grabbing one of the copious bottles of champagne and popping it open, "you did say you were off to have baby."

Luna stared at the bottle and then scanned the room. "How is it that no one has notice the ever-multiplying supply of alcohol?"

Severus's eyes widened. "By Merlin, I didn't even think about that."

"Don't worry, Spots," Sirius smiled, "I cast a muggle disillusionment spell on the area before you all got here."

"Whoops," Goyle said, knocking over a bottle. "Sorry." He took another long swig.

"It's not your fault, Snake," Draco said, his eyes roving over the floor. "You can't move at this point without hitting either firewhisky or champagne."

"And I brought the vodka," Dora said, popping in.

"Ooh, gimmee!" Harry said. "Geminio."

Dora's eyes widened. "Okay then," she said, taking in the floor of alcohol. "Oh, there's my husband-to-be."

"Nymph…nymphy…Dora?" the man slurred. He sat slumped in a chair, an empty bottle of firewhisky in one hand and a new bottle of vodka in the other. "What are you doing here?" He whispered over to Remus. "How'd she know to come?"

"I called her on Sirius's cellular phone." Remus crossed his arms. "Don't worry, Severus. She's not all-knowing."

"Phew, I was right about that," the potions professor said, wiping his brow dramatically.

"Alright, who got my fiancé drunk?" Dora asked, hands on hips.

"I got myself drunk, thank you very much," Severus answered, trying to stand. He grabbed onto the armrest and dropped back down. "Whoa, standing is hard."

"Eep!" Dora squealed as he pulled her onto his lap, cuddling into her.

"Is a head of house allowed to be inebriated in his students' presence?" Pansy asked.

"If so, he's broken that rule several times," Draco said.

"No," Remus shook his head, "I checked after that episode with the polyjuiced death eaters."

"What polyjuiced death eaters?" Goyle asked.

"I play a mean Goyle," Luna said, smiling dreamily.

"That doesn't answer my question." Goyle scowled. "In fact, it gives me a few more."

"Oh," Hermione said, taking another sip of champagne. "You see, we had a slumber party to raise student-teacher relations, and Luna had some hairs from when we went to the department of mysteries." Her eyes sparkled. "I make Polyjuice for fun."

"Hermione," Dora said, reaching for the bottle. "Maybe we should take this away."

"And save it for me," Severus whispered into her ear.

"No!" Hermione yelled, hugging her bottle of champagne. "Mine."

A woman in a white nurse's outfit walked into the waiting room. "Mr. Black?" she called, looking up from a clipboard. "Mr. Black?"

"Oh!" Sirius jumped from his seat and walked out of the disillusionment charm. "Present."

"Your wife is starting to push."

"She's not my wife."

"You're girlfriend, then…"

"Nope."

The woman scowled. "Sister?"

"Random woman I met once."

"And I should probably be more surprised." She shook her head. "Either way, your daughter is crowning and if you want to catch her, you should follow me."

He glanced back at the large crew of witches and wizards, unsure if he should actually follow the woman and watch the young babe spring into life. It didn't sound as miraculous as he'd imagined. Remus waved him on. The animagus sighed, biting his lip and walking out of the room.

"What do you think she'll be like?" Pansy asked, grabbing a champagne bottle and popping the cork.

"Well, for the first couple of months, very annoying," Draco said, picking up a bag of crisps and opening it. He scowled. "When did we get food?"

Crabbe raised his hand. "Goyle and I were hungry."

"You know Crabbe and Goyle can't go five minutes without eating something," Pansy said, grabbing a piece of cake and a plastic fork.

"Yeah," Draco nodded his head and shrugged, "that caused a lot of problems last time around."

Hermione put a finger to her lips, squishing them. "Sh! Draco, don't tell our secrets."

Dora rubbed her eyes. "How much longer is this going to take?" She looked to Severus, who was currently snuggling into her. "Not that I don't love a good cuddle, but normally I prefer it to be in private and not when Sevvie's completely smashed."

"Uncle Sev cuddles with you?" Harry said, brow furrowed.

"Since she's crowning," Remus said, completely ignoring the green-eyed boy, "it shouldn't be too much longer." He grabbed a danish. "Pastry?"

Half an hour later, Sirius reappeared with a pink bundle held closely to his chest. The girls jumped up first, oohing and ahhing, all the while trying to touch the tuft of soft black hair. The boys followed, a bit slower, eyes scrunching to get a better look.

"Uhm, no offense Sirius," Harry said, staring down at the red face and chubby cheeks, "but she's not exactly what I pictured."

"She's ugly," Crabbe said, nose scrunched.

Goyle nodded. "She's all smooshed."

"She just spent several hours being pushed," Sirius said, glaring. "I'd like to see you when you were first born."

"Sevvie," Dora called softly, shaking her fiancé. "I think you should wake up before Sirius kills your students."

"Huh?" Severus blinked. "Is Harry in danger of another DADA teacher?"

"No dear, your Slytherins are."

"Oh," Severus scooted into a sitting position, causing Dora to fall off his lap. She glared. "Oops."

"Spots! Come meet your niece."

"His what?" Pansy asked, brow furrowed.

"Yeah," Goyle turned to his professor, "what are you doing here?"

"If you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll expel you," Severus said, rubbing his head.

Dora held up a headache potion. "You're going to need it."

"What are you doing with potions in your pockets?"

"Don't ask; just take."

"Anyway," Harry said, shaking his head, "as Professor Snape was saying, you can't tell anyone…especially Finnegan."

"Why Finnegan?" Pansy asked, eyes narrowing. "Why not You-Know-Who?"

"Well, he's a death eater."

All three Slytherins stared at each other. They burst into laughter.

"Finnegan?" Crabbe asked. "You think Finnegan's a death eater?"

"Well, yeah," Draco said, brows knitting together. "He has the mark."

"That's news to us."

"Yeah," Goyle said, nodding. "We've all been talking about whether or not to join, and he's one of the ones saying it's stupid to make ourselves slaves when we talk about how we're better than everyone else."

"Seriously?" Hermione scrunched her nose. "Finnegan's not a follower of Voldemort?"

"No," Pansy said, shaking her head. "He's not."

"Blaise—on the other hand—has spent most of this past year talking about how great the man is…" Crabbe said as he turned and grabbed a bag of crisps. He handed one to Sirius. "You think she wants one?"

Sirius quirked a brow. "You've never been around a baby, have you, kid?"

After Severus's raging headache ended, he took the group back to Hogwarts via floo. Remus stayed with Sirius until the hospital gave them the okay to leave. They walked into their chambers and sat down, both exhausted from the long day.

"Well," Sirius said, staring at his new little bundle of joy, "at least she came right before Easter break." He smiled. "Won't have to have a sub as long."

"Sirius," Remus said, brow furrowed, "I'm your sub."

"Yes, so you'll get to be Uncle Moony much sooner."

"Sirius, no."

"Oh, come on, Moons," Sirius said, smirking. "Look how sweet she is."

"When did I become your babysitter?"

"More like nanny…" He readjusted his daughter so that he now held her in one arm. "Besides, how hard can she be to take care of?"

FPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFP

"MOONY!" Sirius yelled.

The werewolf sighed. He'd just gotten to sleep, and he was expected to teach in two hours.

It had been nine days since Siria was born, and the two bachelors quickly realized the little angel was actually a little terror. She wailed constantly. No one—and he meant no one—could get her to calm down.

"And bloody Severus Snape had to go to his fiancee's family Easter holiday," Remus mumbled to himself, throwing a pillow over his head.

"Moony, please," Sirius whined, now walking into his room. "I've fed her. I've changed her. I've rocked her. I've fed her again. I've changed her again. I sang 'Stairway to Heaven' to her."

"What do you want me to do, Padfoot?"

"Silence her!"

"You can't just silence a baby."

Sirius threw one hand in the air, holding the screaming demon in the other. "That's what silencing charms are for." He placed his hand on his hip. "I'm sure I was silenced loads as a baby."

"I remember silencing you a few times as an adult," Remus murmured into his pillow.

Sirius threw himself on his friend's bed. "What am I going to do, Moons?" He glared at the little one in his arms. "Why does she hate me?"

"She's a baby," Remus said, finally sitting up. "She doesn't hate anyone. She doesn't love anyone." He rubbed his eyes. "Currently, she is only capable of eating, sleeping, pooping, and burping."

"And crying." Sirius glared. "And screaming."

"Exactly."

"Harry liked me."

"He threw up on you the first time you held him."

"And that's when I knew he'd make a wonderful marauder."

The wolf through a pillow at his friend's back as the man walked away. He closed his door and got dressed, walking into the kitchen moments later. He found Sirius trying to change the young girl on the kitchen table.

"Sirius, we have a changing table for a reason."

"It's covered in spit up," Sirius said, eyes narrowed in concentration. He was finally going to get this down without being peed on.

"And why haven't you cleaned it up?"

"I've been writing a symphony." He glared back at his lycanthrope friend. "What do you think I've been doing?"

"You need to clean it up. You can let her sit and scream for a while in her crib."

"Blast it all," Sirius said, walking over and placing Siria in Remus's arms. "I'm going to clean up the changing table and take a shower. You take care of her."

"But…but…" Remus said, watching his friend head toward his room. "But I have a class to teach."

The portrait door opened and Severus Snape stalked in, sighing. For once, his skin wasn't sallow, but nicely tanned. It was nice that his in-laws-to-be had a holiday house near the ocean.

"What is that insufferable screeching?" The man asked, holding his hands on his ears.

"Oh, Severus, thank Merlin!" the werewolf said, rushing over to the man. "We've missed you for days."

"Yes, well, not much I could do," Severus said, smirking. "Ted's family is quite serious about the Easter hols, as you can imagine. Did you know his father is an Anglican minister?"

"That's great, Sev," Remus said, rubbing his eyes with a free hand. "But don't you feel like you've missed out on getting to know your niece?"

Severus quirked a brow. "Uhm, I suppose…"

"Would you like to hold her? You haven't yet."

"I guess."

"Great," Remus said, placing the baby in the man's arms. "Here you go! Sirius is cleaning the changing table and taking a shower and I need to take a nap in the staff room before I teach. Have fun!"

The werewolf dashed out of the room, leaving scorch marks behind. Severus stood there, stunned, awkwardly holding Siria as far away from him as possible. She screamed louder.

"Hush now," the man said, glaring at the girl. "You stop that." She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Enough!"

The girl's eyes widened and she stopped, stunned and scared.

"Now, Miss Black," Severus began, staring at her sternly, "I will let you in on a little secret. You are behaving about as well as your father did when he was at school." He smirked. "While that may be better than the average ape, that is not what I expect from you."

He sat down, pulling her closer and rocking her gently. "You are the last in the Black line. As such, you must be the one to carry on the illustrious name. You will spend most of your time in the public eye, and therefore you must learn to act less like a spoiled brat and more like a civilized individual."

The baby cooed, grabbing onto his nose. He rolled his eyes.

"Now, as your father has decided to take what I'm assuming is a well-deserved break, I find it is necessary that I take over your care for this time." He smiled. "And I refuse to let any time with a child be unproductive. Therefore," he pulled out a tiny cardboard book on potions, "we will read this book 'A is for Asphodel'."

Twenty minutes later, Sirius walked towards his living room feeling slightly refreshed. Sure, he hadn't slept in forty-eight hours, but at least he was clean and there was no formula splattered against his bedroom wall. He stopped in the doorway, brow furrowed. There was no screaming. His eyes widened.

"Is she dead?" he asked, running into the room and looking wildly about. "Moony? Moony!" He held his face in his hands. "Oh no! They've been kidnapped!"

"Black!" Severus whispered. Sirius spun around, eyes wide. "Be quiet! You'll wake her."

The animagus tiptoed toward the other man, who currently held a sleeping Siria.

"She's asleep?"

"What an astute observation," the dark man said, smiling.

"You got her to sleep?"

"Obviously."

Sirius whooped. "Severus Snape, you are never leaving this room again."

"What?"

"You have become the official Black babysitter."

"No, Sirius, wait…"

"I'm going to take a nap," Sirius said, waltzing back to his room.

"Sirius, I have classes to teach…"

"I don't care."

Severus glanced back down at the sleeping angel. "Well, I guess you're going to your first potions class."

FPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFPFP

"Wands away," Severus said, stalking into his first class of the day: sixth year potions. "I don't know how many times I must tell you this, but it is getting tiresome. There is no foolish wand waving in this classroom."

"Uhm, Professor Snape?" Neville raised his hand.

"Yes, Longbottom?"

"Why are you carrying a baby?"

Severus stared down at the bundle in his hands for a moment. "Well, isn't it obvious? We're doing a lesson on the different uses of newborn baby ingredients."

"Hey!" Harry said, jumping out of his seat. "That's my goddaughter."

"Mr. Potter," Severus sighed, "don't have a heart attack. I was just joking."

"Then, sir," Hermione said, raising her hand, "why are you carrying Siria around? I doubt a potions classroom is the safest place for a baby…"

"Apparently, her father needed a break."

"And what about Remus?"

"He's currently teaching class."

"And you're not?"

"Yes, well, he got first dibs on doing it baby-free…"