March

In the wake of the tumultuous snowstorm, and the tumultuous scene that had happened within it, spring began to roll around. The snow melted over the course of about two weeks, leaving patches of green and brown grass, starving for sunlight and warmth. Antonio welcomed the change. As the world came alive again, it was as if it breathed new life into him along with it.

Antonio felt warm like he had not since his father's death. His heart beat happy. His thoughts sang with the birds. He smiled and laughed and, in response, his mother brightened too. It even seemed to lift Lovino's spirits.

Lovino stayed at the Carriedo's at every available moment, which filled Antonio with relief. The shouting next door still occurred, but at a considerable less frequency. Lovino stayed for dinners, for nights and afternoons, for weekend breakfast and videogames with Antonio, and reading silently across the room, and talking until they were both too tired to stay awake for any longer.

And Antonio tried to help. He really did. With distraction. With soft reminders and strong suggestions. He knew it wouldn't last long. This was temporary because there was only so much a teenager could do. But he tried and tried and tried. Like he had said he would.

Lovino wouldn't hear past it, though. Antonio wasn't afraid to talk about Oregon anymore, but Lovino still would not hear it. Eventually, Antonio gave up.

Lovino must have been thinking about it though. He must have been considering it every time his brother sent him one of many selfies, or his grandfather checked in with a short, random text. He must have been thinking of it when his and Feliciano's birthday came and he received a package in the mail of Skittles and Chocolate Frogs. Antonio had helped Lovino make a package a week before, of watercolor pencils and Laffy Taffy. Lovino must have been thinking about it then.

Antonio worried still. Worried that Lovino would stay and break under his father's scrutiny. Worried that Lovino would go and it wouldn't be enough to help. Worried that Lovino would only get worse living somewhere he'd never lived before, with a grandfather he barely knew and a mother who had abandoned him early on close by.

And Antonio was afraid - still very afraid - that Lovino would leave and forget all about him.

But this wasn't about him. He had learned that now. It was Lovino and what he needed. He would have his brother in Oregon. He would have a chance.

Ultimately, though, it was up to Lovino. Lovino would decide what was best for himself. If he didn't want Antonio butting in, he wouldn't. He couldn't.

Which is why Antonio was surprised one afternoon, sprawled over his bedroom floor studying, when Lovino asked, "Do you really think Oregon would be a good decision?"

Antonio had been nervous all afternoon, less focused on his own work and more on the spaced out expression Lovino was giving his own. It was different than his friend's usual agitated and frustrated demeanour during their study sessions. Unlike those expressions, Antonio had no idea what to do with this one. What this one meant.

He'd cracked a joke at one point, but it didn't look like Lovino had even heard. He asked a question about their homework and received a similar reaction - which was to say, lack of reaction. Antonio had pulled the textbook Lovino was staring at out of reach, pretending to examine it himself, but Lovino had simply broken out of his trance, frowning up at Antonio.

Antonio had been just about to propose a break when Lovino had broken the silence, confusing Antonio with his question.

He blinked at Lovino, taken off guard, before asking, plain and dry, "What?"

Lovino groaned, collapsing from his elbows and rolling onto his back, leaving his papers and books behind. He spoke to the ceiling. "I'm asking your advice. What? You don't want to give it anymore?"

Antonio laughed. He couldn't help it. "I never said that." He crawled closer to his friend, sitting back on his hands and looking down where they could see each other's eyes again. "Why ask now, though?"

"Well," Lovino grumbled, looking at the window across the room. "I've been thinking about it more, I guess. About what you said. About… About what it might be like."

"And?" Antonio prompted, curious. Lovino looked at him, confused.

"And what?"

"And what have you thought about it all?"

Lovino's eyebrows furrowed. "I was the one asking questions first, idiot. Answer mine and I'll answer yours."

Antonio chuckled, eyes crinkling and shaking his head. "Fair enough." Then, he stopped and looked across the room, an expression of concentration on his face. "Hm. Yes, I do think it's a good decision to move to Oregon. Like I said."

"That's stupid," Lovino said angrily, but Antonio had known him long enough to recognize he was using it to hide behind. "You want me to leave or something?"

Oh.

"Not at all, Lovi," Antonio assured, brows furrowing.

"Then why shouldn't I just stay?" Lovino asked, and the anger was still there, but desperation leaked through. "I can deal with my shit here. I've been dealing with it, and him, for as long as I can remember. I can go until college at least."

"Oh, Lovi," Antonio sighed, thinking back to the night of the snowstorm, knowing that, no, Lovino couldn't deal with it for much longer. He sat up, wrapping his arms around his legs without looking away from Lovino's hard, but so vulnerable eyes. "I- I'm not going to tell you what to do. If you really think that's best-" Antonio chewed his lip. "But, if you're asking my opinion… you shouldn't have to deal with it. I've already told you- that place, it isn't good for you. Of course I don't want you to leave. I would love to live next door to you and see you every day, but that would just be selfish of me to ask. Because I do genuinely believe you would have your best chance in Oregon."

"But," Lovino started, then stopped. He sat up, looked into Antonio's eyes. He seemed scared to say it to his face. Still, with the softest voice Antonio had ever heard from him, Lovino said, "But I don't want to leave you."

Antonio gave him a sad smile. He held out his arms and Lovino pursed his lips before scooting into them. "It's a hard decision," was all he could say.

And, in silence, they sat there. For now, they were together, but the future hung over them like a warning. The weight of a decision to be made.

-/-

Lovino was awake. Antonio was awake. It was 3:43 AM and they had school in three hours, but they were wide awake, tucked into Antonio's bed with their DSs at their noses.

Antonio giggled, dragging his stylus across the screen to scratch at his corgi's underbelly. Lovino cursed and Antonio peered over curiously. He tugged at the leash of his labrador, steering the poor pooch away from the trash on their regular walking route.

"You don't eat garbage, you dumb dog," Lovino grumbled, but Antonio could detect a slight guilt in his tone as the dog hung its head, walking away from the trash bags and banana peels. Lovino pulled the leash along, but slackened the tread.

"Let's connect after you two get back from your walk!" Antonio poked at his friend's side. Lovino wiggled away, an uncomfortable look on his face as he suppressed a laugh. He had always been ticklish.

"I will agree if you don't do that again," Lovino said and Antonio had to chuckle.

"Deal."

4:07 AM. Lovino's face was illuminated by his screen. He was grinning silly at the dogs barking at one another. Antonio's heart beat wildly.

Then, his stomach growled. Lovino looked over, cocking an eyebrow. "Were those extra tomatoes last night not enough for you?"

Antonio smiled excitedly. "Not when there's ice cream in the freezer."

Lovino narrowed his eyes. Antonio threw up the covers.

4:19 AM. Lovino sat on the counter, DS still in hand. He swung his legs as he flung his stylus across the screen. Antonio stuck his head into the freezer.

"Chocolate or vanilla?" he called from its icy depths.

"Chocolate," Lovino answered, and Antonio grabbed two of them before retreating and swinging shut the door. He climbed up to the spot beside Lovino, offering his treat.

Lovino shut the device, placing it on the counter and accepting the ice cream pop from Antonio. "Thanks," he said, ripping into the paper.

"No problem," Antonio replied. He tore into his own and they sat there in silence, licking at their ice creams in the early dusk, about an hour away from their morning alarms. Antonio leaned against Lovino and Lovino leaned back.

-/-

April

Antonio scribbled in the margins of his paper. Their teacher had taken pity on them toward the end of the year and given them fill-in-the-blank notes. Despite this, Antonio couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

He was absorbed in the random lines he scratched into the stark white printer paper, watching his lead practically disintegrate layer by layer. Through some second level of consciousness, he could hear the soft warble of the teacher explaining her PowerPoint, kids chattering in the back of the room, see Alfred flipping his pencil between his fingers, feel the subtle shake of his desk. Lovino's leg was shaking a constant beat, jerking his desk and the ones in front and behind. Antonio had long grown accustomed to it. He hoped the person sitting in front of Lovino had too.

Antonio didn't look up until the vibrations stopped, and, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lovino slide out from his desk and make his way to the front of the room, head bowed as if this could possibly stop each and every pair of eyes gravitating towards him.

Trying to act invisible, Lovino quickly grabbed a hall pass and fled from the room. Each second that he watched, Antonio's heart crept further into his throat. He watched the door, his own leg now going nuts at the anxiety. He wanted to jump up and follow after, but he already knew he wouldn't be able to. This teacher had two passes available at the front of the room: one for the boy's restroom and another for the girl's. It was not inclusive nor accommodating. Antonio would be forced to wait.

Either Lovino would come back, able to calm himself down, or Antonio would have to find him during class break.

Time ticked on and Antonio was glad he hadn't intended to pay attention today because he wouldn't have been able to if he tried. He would have certainly forced himself to listen to this boring lecture if only Lovino were there, safe and calm. He would have done anything in place of knowing his best friend was out there, somewhere, dealing with the wreckage of his own mind alone. He would have done anything to not feel so useless like this.

When the bell rang, it caught Antonio by surprise, who had lost all semblance of time staring at the door waiting waiting waiting- He jumped, sure an eternity had gone, and grabbed for both his and Lovino's bags. On the way out, the teacher stopped him, looking concerned.

"Antonio," she said, gesturing for him to step aside where others wouldn't be blocked from the door, or hear their conversation. "Is everything alright with Lovino? He's been gone for quite awhile."

And, as much as he appreciated her worry, he didn't have the time for it. He filed it away, hoping that perhaps later he could ask her about hall passes and emergencies. She had always been nice, just a bit old-fashioned. If he explained, she would understand.

For now, though, Antonio could only shake his head. "I'm not exactly sure. I was going to go find him now."

"Do you need a hall pass for your next class?"

Antonio bit his lip, but shook his head no. "I'd rather just get to him as fast as I can. Thank you anyway."

"Of course," she nodded her head. "Go now. I'll send emails for you both, though."

Antonio's lungs nearly collapsed from his sigh of relief. "Thank you," he breathed, then bolted for the door.

Instead of checking bathrooms along the way, Antonio ran straight for the one at the back of the school, as if this all were routine. Recently, it was almost like it was.

He slipped into the bathroom just as the bell rang, signalling the start of the next class period. Antonio's eyes fell on the boy standing at one of the sinks.

Antonio scanned over his chest, rising and falling regularly, his stance, a little lax, but not exhausted or rigid, the pallor of his face, pale, but not sickly. His eyes were closed, his chin dripped with water, probably splashed from the tap. Antonio didn't say anything as he approached, but, slowly, Lovino's eyes opened and peered at him in the mirror.

"You shouldn't be so worried," he scolded, and Antonio could only give a sheepish grin in return. "It's written all over your face."

"And yours is a bit too blank for comfort," Antonio commented, drawing closer. "What's on your mind?"

"That school kind of sucks," Lovino laughed bitterly.

"Was it bad?" Antonio asked, stopping at his friend's side.

"No attack. Just needed air," Lovino said, closing his eyes again. "Sorry for making you come all the way here. Thanks for my backpack."

"You know I'll always come," Antonio said, and a silent agreement passed between the two.

When Lovino opened his eyes again, he furrowed his brows, turning to look at him. "You're late for class."

"Mrs. Colby said she'd send an email to our teachers."

"Oh," Lovino said, looking down. They went silent again.

Antonio looked at the two of them in the mirror. He still had Lovino's bag in hand. Lovino's back was to the mirror, but there was a subtle curve to it, a tired slump. They both looked tired.

He didn't know how much longer they could keep things up like this.

-/-

The grass was full under the warm spring sun. Their tree provided just enough shade that it left patches of light they could rest their work in, while the rest of them stayed cool. Since it was April, AP testing was fast approaching. Antonio hadn't taken any this year - though he knew next semester he would have at least one - but Lovino had, and was more than a little stressed about it.

Just like old times, Antonio had set a timer for them. Fifteen minutes on the clock, which he kept away from Lovino's eyes lest he panic. Antonio was giving way less to Lovino's unhealthy habits and keeping a much firmer eye on the level of stress created by it. Still, much of it did not catch.

13:04 read the time left and Antonio sighed, clicking it off and stuffing it in his pocket. They had just finished a break, but Antonio was already ansty again. He looked down at Lovino's key concepts guide.

"Hey-" he started, before a ringing interrupted. For a moment, he thought it was his own phone and slapped at his jeans, confused as to why the timer was going off already. He soon came to find, however, it was Lovino's when his friend checked the screen then answered it.

"Feliciano?" Lovino asked, holding it up to his ear. He waited a moment, listening, before rolling his eyes. A tiny smile appeared on his face. "Just studying. Why?"

Antonio could feel his own crooked smile stretch his face as he leaned back to watch. Lovino grew so animated when he talked to Feliciano, and, though he continued like a good brother to act annoyed, Antonio could tell he missed him.

"He can't cook pasta," Lovino reiterated what he must have heard from across the line. "And you still like the bastard?"

Color Antonio impressed. If it was who he thought it was, then he wasn't surprised that Feliciano had fallen hard. Totally his type. But if he couldn't make pasta?

After a few more minutes, Antonio started to feel awkward just watching Lovino, so he turned to one of the books littering the ground and leafed through it. Very boring stuff. He kept an ear open, listening to Lovino's laugh, but otherwise tried to focus on the book before him now. He wanted to give Lovino privacy.

For a while, Lovino talked to his brother and Antonio dozed between the pages of his friend's textbook. He would never say it, but he was glad for the distraction. In his opinion, Lovino had already done his fair share of studying for the day, and he was worried the extra was now wearing away at him. Antonio had promised to let Lovino be for just fifteen minutes more, but if Feliciano kept him busy just a bit longer, it was possible they would have to turn it in for the day.

These hopes were dashed, though, when he began to hear what sounded like the end of the call not ten minutes later.

"I- I actually have to go now, Feli," Lovino said, sounding evasive and worried. "Don't give me that. We can talk more later." He paused, listening. Then, "Yes, yes. I promise. And no, I don't want to know anymore about that bastard. Keep it to yourself." Another pause. "Yeah, love you too, idiot. You better let me know if things get bad again, eh? I'll kick your ass!"

And, with that, it seemed the conversation ended. Lovino took the device from his ear and tapped the screen.

"What was that about?" Antonio asked as soon as he got the chance. He sat up and pushed the textbook away, relieved to be rid of it.

"Feliciano," Lovino answered. "He wanted to talk."

"No. You know what I meant," Antonio said, cocking his head to the side. "Why the sudden hang up?"

Lovino tried to look annoyed as he grabbed one of his notebooks, flipping through the pages at random. "I didn't hang up on him," he grumbled, and Antonio was about to protest again that Lovino knew what he meant. Lovino, though, spoke up once more. "And, if you're really wondering, he asked if I had given Oregon more thought."

"Oh. And you didn't want to talk about it?" Antonio asked, understanding waving over him.

Lovino shook his head. "I didn't want to tell him first."

Antonio's smile froze on his face. "Tell him what first?" His heart was beating with dread, with anticipation, with hope all for the same possibility.

"That I've decided," Lovino said carefully, eyes still on his notebook. He tried to say it casually, but Antonio could see from there that he was tense.

With a deep breath, Lovino forced himself to look up, and Antonio latched onto those deep, dark eyes. Underneath, he was the scared and anxious boy Antonio had always known, but, at the forefront, he was serious and intent, strong; what Antonio always knew he could become. It was a big choice, and Lovino knew that, but Antonio could tell he was sure about the decision he had made.

"I'm going to Oregon," he said. The breeze rustled the branches above, shifting the light. It was as if the world existed for them, for this moment. "I'm going to live in Oregon," Lovino reiterated, a breath synonymous to the wind, like he couldn't quite believe it himself.

And a part of Antonio cheered. And a part of Antonio cried. A part of him was relieved, while a part of him… another part of him...

And a part of Antonio laughed.

He jumped up and hugged his best friend with all his might, rocking them around and singing exclamations of joy. Lovino scolded him, but there was laughter in his voice too.

Because that other part of Antonio didn't matter when Lovino sounded so happy. There was no room for loneliness, no room for heartache, when everything was looking up.

Antonio still believed this was for the best and the elation of that drowned everything else out.

"I'm so happy for you, Lovino," Antonio sighed, and he may have been the more open of the two with feelings, but he would most certainly deny there were tears in his eyes.

"I really am."

-/-

May

"No- Antonio- don't pack all the books in one box. What are you doing?" Lovino spluttered as soon as he entered the room, carrying two sodas which he promptly set down to hustle over to Antonio's spot on the floor. Antonio, openly confused and frozen midway to putting yet another book into what he had deemed the 'book box', unfroze and sat back.

"Shouldn't they all be in one place?" he asked, frowning as Lovino kneeled on the other side of the box, already working to unpack it. Antonio was a bit bummed his help had not, actually, helped, but not surprised. Lovino was particular about these things.

Lovino shook his head. "If all the books go in one box, it'll be too heavy to lift."

"Oh," Antonio said. "I guess that makes sense."

Lovino smirked, stopping his motions to sit back and look at Antonio too. A box of carefully packed books between them, they both laughed. Despite the clutter of Lovino's room as they worked to pack, and the stress of the whole ordeal of moving in general, Lovino seemed quite relaxed.

"It's a lot to organize," Lovino said when Antonio mentioned it, "But it keeps me busy. Plus, all the sorting helps me feel in control."

"That's-" Antonio answered, taken slightly off guard by the self awareness. "Very astute of you, Lovino."

Lovino smirked again, standing up and hauling a stack of books back to the bookshelf. "Thanks. Sometimes I know things."

Antonio laughed and followed after his friend, carrying yet another stack. Lovino did have a lot of books.

It was a Saturday, so they had all day to work through Lovino's things. When Lovino pointed to a corner or demanded a task, Antonio was on it, and Lovino would work close by, talking and singing along to the music they played as they worked. It was a busy sort of day, but, together, it was fun.

By the time the sun started to set, casting funny shadows through the blinds of Lovino's window, they had gotten through quite a lot. Deciding to take a break, they sat at the edge of Lovino's bed, passing a package of Skittles back and forth between them. Tired, their shoulders leaned against each other, and they were silent as they took in the room, cast in dim lamplight, items scattered everywhere and boxes hanging open.

God, Antonio felt the years in this room suddenly. They brushed by his skin, and whispered against his mind. Playing Legos when they were young, dancing to their favorite songs throughout the years, telling secrets and jokes. Good memories. Happy ones. Some bad ones too. There was a lifetime in there, and it was all packed away. Posters down, desk bare. The imprint still remained, but, looking at it now, Antonio felt a hole in his chest where it should have been.

"Antonio," Lovino said, and, so immersed, Antonio didn't realize until he turned how close they sat.

Lovino looked deep into his eyes, his own sparkling with hidden thoughts and a multitude of questions. He bit at his lip, and Antonio's distracted mind focused, becoming much too fascinated with the sight.

Breathing out, Antonio answered, "Yes?"

There was silence, the relaxed atmosphere dense now, cumulated into something thick between them. Antonio swallowed a knot down, only for another to take its place. He could see universes in Lovino's hazel eyes, and he longed to reach up, run his thumbs on the skin beneath them. Unconsciously, he leaned forward, ever so slightly. Antonio could feel breath against him, smell Lovino's deodorant and shampoo.

He thought back to that day under their tree, nearly a year ago now, and longed to close that distance again.

Then, Lovino suddenly sat back, eyes averting and blushing up to his ears. Antonio sucked in a breath, unsure how he was quite able when all his breath had been stolen from him in the first place. Mirroring Lovino, he shrunk away, and the two pretended nothing had happened, all the while refusing eye contact. Antonio could feel the heat up to his neck, and burning his cheeks. He was simultaneously thrilled and embarrassed, disappointed and relieved.

"Thanks for your help today," Lovino said, and Antonio could hear the crinkle of the candy wrapper in his hands as he fiddled with it. He risked glancing back. Lovino still wasn't looking at him.

Even if Lovino did like him back, it would never work. Antonio had to get that through his thick skull.

So, Antonio sighed and offered a hand, held out for more Skittles. "No problem, Lovi," he said. Lovino finally looked up.

With a smile, weak and a mixture of emotions of his own, Lovino shook more candy out for them both. As they munched away at them, they fell into silence once again, this one with a lot more thought between them, a lot more unspoken in the air.

-/-

"I don't like this already."

"Aw, Lovi, give it time! I'm sure this'll be just as good as seeing each other face-to-face," Antonio reassured his friend, checking over his video camera, heart already aching like his friend was across the world. He peaked up from over his laptop, spotting Lovino on his own across the room.

Lovino looked up and met his eyes. "No. It won't be."

"Okay, so maybe it won't be," Antonio conceded, sighing. "But this is the best we're gonna have. We might as well make sure it works."

"It works," Lovino rolled his eyes. Frowning, he shut his laptop and the call disconnected on Antonio's end. "Let's do something else."

"Like what?" Antonio asked, but there was a heaviness encroaching on his chest, the distraction from the call over. He shut his computer, setting it aside on his bed, and watched as Lovino placed his own on Antonio's desk, walking back over and plopping down next to him.

He was silent for a moment, and Antonio was about to concede a bout of silence and roll over to scroll through his phone when he caught a look of contemplation on Lovino's face. He had something to say, so Antonio stayed himself.

"I leave tomorrow," he said at last, and Antonio almost regretted waiting for the answer.

"I know," Antonio replied, refusing to listen to the turmoil of emotions in his gut. He rolled over and brought out his phone.

"I want to do something before I do," Lovino continued, and Antonio stopped. He looked back over his shoulder, hand with the device drooping.

"Like what?"

Lovino bit his lip. Then,

"Well…"

-/-

Antonio watched as his legs swung limply underneath him. The last time they had been at this tree it had been nighttime too. This time, there wasn't a snowstorm brewing, though it was still rather cold in the spring.

Huddling into him, Lovino pressed into his side like a leech seeking heat, swinging his own legs to some unknown beat, one back, one forward, two back, two forward. They had brought a blanket, which was tucked across their shoulders, and, through the sparse, budding branches of the tree, they watched the stars.

They had been silent since they'd gotten there, like they were afraid to break the moment, break whatever fragile piece of time they were a part of in the grand scheme of their histories. Antonio was afraid he would break those histories, break their paths into two, but that was inevitable. Lovino was leaving the next day.

"My life would have been shit if I'd never had you there," Lovino said suddenly, and Antonio frowned, looking down from the sky.

"No it wouldn't've."

"Yes," Lovino insisted calmly, and it was as if the turn of the earth affected him. "It really would have."

There was a beat of silence as Antonio contemplated this.

"Well, mine would have too," he decided, and leaned further into his friend, like his heart was trying to hang on tight and never let go. "And it still could if you don't keep in touch."

"Don't you think it's weird, though," Lovino said thoughtfully, melancholic and wistful, and Antonio waited. "You've always been just right next door. Whenever I needed someone, you've just always been there. What am I going to do without you there?"

"I'll still be there."

"But it's not the same," Lovino said. "I'm going to Oregon. I want to go to Oregon, but when I'm there I won't have you."

Antonio sighed and nodded. "Yeah. You won't be right next door whenever I'm lonely or sad or… whatever. It doesn't sound like a lot until it happens, does it?" Antonio scrunched his eyes closed in a grimace, a tight knot of fear suddenly clenching his gut, images of being sad and lonely with nowhere to turn to flashing in his mind. "It's scary."

"It's terrifying," Lovino said in his way of agreeance.

"I feel like I'm going to be all alone," Antonio admitted, like the night and Lovino were the only ones he could trust with the secret. Lovino was silent for a moment.

"You aren't going to be alone, Toni," Lovino reassured him, and he sounded so certain that Antonio would have smiled if he wasn't so afraid. "Like you said, we'll still be there for each other. And you've got your mom, and you need to reach out to friends at school again. Everyone loves you. Just give them a chance."

"I will," Antonio said, because it was the simplest thing to do. He was still terrified of going back to them, of opening up about why he had pushed them away, to ask for their forgiveness. Maybe he wouldn't be able to do it until the next school year, maybe he'd do it next week. But he knew eventually he would need to.

He would do it. For Lovino. For himself.

"Antonio," Lovino said quietly, squeezing his hand, "I'm going to miss you."

Antonio squeezed back, and, for tonight, it was a lifeline. The corner of his mouth curled into a sad smile, but he refused to take his eyes from the sky.

"I'm going to miss you too," Antonio said.

And, while they still had until tomorrow, Antonio knew that this was goodbye.

CV: This chapter is pretty slow, but, after the rapid pace of the last chapter, I felt this was appropriate. I'm hoping it wasn't a whole lot of boring. They're both going through their shit, but it's different now. They're trudging along, not sure how much further they can go like this. Their struggles are still there, but they've become expected, regular. Something's got to give.

I haven't even started the last chapter, so expect a wait. Though if you aren't expecting to wait for this fic by this point, idk how you're coping lol. I hope you enjoyed, and I will see you next time for the finale!