Dear Mavis, Are You Bloody Well Kidding Me?

by Abracadebra

What happens when Newkirk finds out that his sister has been writing letters to Colonel Hogan-and that the Guv has actually been writing back? Letters from an irritable British corporal happen, that's what. Many thanks for Prolegomenon aka Old English Game for inspiring this response with her very funny "To Colonel RE Hogan" story and to LE Wigman for playing along.

3. Chapter 3: Ground Rules

DECEMBER 1, 1943

Dear Mavis,

Colonel Hogan just pulled me aside during exercise time and chewed my ear off about not writing enough letters to my family, starting with you. Well done, mate. You got me sent inside to practice my penmanship on the first sunny day we've had in months.

Where do I start? First of all, all the lads are now asking if they can write to you too. I've threatened them with all manner of bodily harm if they try it, but I wouldn't put it past any of them.

If you get a letter from LeBeau, Olsen, Garlotti, or Addison, rip it up at once. They're dangerous, all of them, and won't give a young lady like yourself the respect she deserves. LeBeau means well, but he's French and can't control himself.

If you get one from Carter, do yourself a favor and burn it, because if you read it you stand a very real chance of being bored witless by his nattering. He's the only person I've ever met who is equally fascinated by bombs and bunny rabbits, and he'll drag you down to his level. He's a nice chap in every other respect, and he does know how to keep his hands to himself around a girl, but he has an explosive side that I just wouldn't want you exposed to.

If you get one from Kinchloe, it would be perfectly fine to read it and even to reply. He's a proper gent, an interesting fellow, and I'm pretty sure he won't gossip to you about me or make any untoward moves. Mind you, the fact that no one here has been able to detect a single character flaw in Kinch does give me pause. I mean, it's not normal, is it? He could be hiding something. Now that I think it through, better safe than sorry-best not to answer him either, don't you think?

As for further correspondence with Colonel Hogan, please be careful. Do yourself a favor and read that story Mam always recited about the Spider and the Fly. It lays my concerns out quite succinctly. He's a fine officer, but he does seem to leave a string of broken hearts in his wake.

Speaking of which, see if you can't get Rita to calm down about me. I only mentioned Betty in passing, and the next thing I know Rita's having kittens. Also, if you could take special care NOT to mention that Cynthia, Penelope, Beryl and Daphne have been my faithful correspondents, I'd find that most helpful.

What else is new? Well, we were having a jitterbug contest here, and I made tidy little sum on the very modest entrance fees I charged for my time-consuming roles as administrator and compère. A few of the lads were unhappy that I couldn't refund their fees after the event was unexpectedly cancelled, but that's life, innit? I'd already sunk my earnings into buying cigarettes and coffee from the lads who got the last batch of Red Cross parcels. It's not like their entrance fees have vanished; they're just circulating in a different form, sustaining our prison camp economy. At least that's what I told them before Lang and Murphy gave me a black eye.

Mam has a cure for the black eye, don't she? Do you suppose you could send it? Now, don't trouble her about it. The less she knows, the less she worries. Even if this eye's better by the time you get the recipe to me, I'm sure I'll need the cure again soon.

I hope you are staying safe at home. I'm not half as worried about bombs as I am about those American GIs crawling about London these days. From what I hear, they are all rather besotted with our beautiful English maidens, having apparently never seen a genuine peaches-and-cream complexion before. America must be a terribly desolate and gloomy place.

Listen, Mavis, I'm not coming home only to find you've shipped out stateside to be some Yankee's housewife. Please don't do that to me. Remember how I taught you to put the boot in? If any of them Yanks touch you, don't hesitate. Just do it.

Your loving brother what misses you all the time even if you are a little sneak,

Peter

H=H=H=H=H

Author's Note: Newkirk quotes from the 1828 poem "The Spider and the Fly" in "The 43rd, a Moving Story." (s1e23) For those unfamiliar with the poem, read it online! It is a great work of children's literature by Mary Howitt. The cunning spider uses flattery to trap the vain fly. Gosh, we've never heard Hogan do ANYTHING like that, have we?