Dear Mavis, Are You Bloody Well Kidding Me?

by Abracadebra

What happens when Newkirk finds out that his sister has been writing letters to Colonel Hogan-and that the Guv has actually been writing back? Letters from an irritable British corporal happen, that's what. Many thanks for Prolegomenon aka Old English Game for inspiring this response with her very funny "To Colonel RE Hogan" story and to LE Wigman for playing along.

6. Chapter 6: New Year's Day '44

JANUARY 1, 1944

Dear Mavis,

This is just a short note to wish you a happy New Year. I hope you managed to have a little fun, and I hope this is the year this bloody war ends so I can see you again.

We didn't have New Year's Eve plans in our barracks, so I scarpered off to celebrate with the Scots, who were having a proper knees up in Barracks 12. Somehow they managed to brew some gold watch and by midnight we were all one over the eight and belting at the top of our lungs. My rendition of "Whiskey in the Jar" was a great success, if I may say so.

Surprisingly, it wasn't the guards what broke it up – it was a very stroppy Colonel Hogan! He came looking for me, sent all the Scots to bed and frog-marched me back to our humble abode, muttering some rubbish about how he regretted ever promising to take care of me. I seem to remember him invoking your name, but I can't be sure because by then the hallucinations were kicking in. This I woke up in the Colonel's spare bunk with a pounding headache, a week of KP, and a long day of honking ahead of me, but I think it was worth it. At least as far as I can remember. Anyway, Louis got me all cleaned up, and here I am, right as rain and mostly keeping food down.

Oh, and KP is the Yank version of being on jankers, but I reckon you worked that out already.

But that's not why I'm writing. I just realized there was something urgent I needed to mention. It's something what came to me in a vision while I was singing with them Scots, and I'm sure my instincts are right.

Whatever you do, please don't send your photograph to any of the lads you're corresponding with, especially Colonel Hogan. They've all had a glimpse of my photos of you, and that really needs to be enough. They are well aware that you are very, very pretty.

I'm afraid that if they had the chance to study your photograph, they'd all realize how similar in appearance we are. Then they'll all be staring deep into my eyes, and I'm going to have to smash all their faces in. You wouldn't want my court martial on your conscience, would you?

With love from your handsome and deeply concerned brother,

Peter

H=H=H=H=H

NOTES: A knees up is a rollicking party. Gold watch is Cockney rhyming slang for scotch whiskey. One over the eight means drunk. A stroppy person is really, really annoyed. Honking is, well, something that happens after you've had way too much alcohol.