Dear Mavis, Are You Bloody Well Kidding Me?

by Abracadebra

What happens when Newkirk finds out that his sister has been writing letters to Colonel Hogan-and that the Guv has actually been writing back? Letters from an irritable British corporal happen, that's what. Many thanks for Prolegomenon aka Old English Game for inspiring this response with her very funny "To Colonel RE Hogan" story and to LE Wigman for playing along.

7. Chapter 7: Burns Night

JANUARY 25, 1944

Dear Mavis,

Well, here it is, Burns Night. I can't help but notice that while I'm writing letter after letter to you, I'm not getting letters back. I'm fairly certain the post is not to blame, as I do see letters from one "Mavis Newkirk" practically flooding our barracks week after week.

I have heard from Rita and Penelope and Daphne, as well as Granny and Arthur and of course Mam. Even Uncle Harold managed to write to me, and him with only one arm. I'm wondering if you could possibly see your way to writing to your dear brother with either one of your perfectly healthy two arms.

As for Burns Night, I'm afraid I won't be celebrating. I'm under strict orders from Colonel Hogan to stay clear of Barracks 12, and Kinch has been appointed to distract me with ribald Shakespearean verse. I don't think ribald is really to Kinch's taste, but I'm certain he'll do his best to entertain me.

It's a terrible pity to miss the neeps and tatties though I'm glad to give the haggis a pass. Also, I had a really funny recitation all prepared about a drunken Scotsman, his kilt, and a couple of clever girls who plant a blue ribbon on him while he's asleep in the gutter. I'm sure it would have been very popular, and even if it wasn't, at least we have LeBeau's black eye remedy, though sadly not Mam's, yet. (Hint, hint.)

I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. Also, I could really use that teapot we discussed.

With love from your thick, idiot brother who didn't mean to hurt your feelings in any way,

Peter

H=H=H=H=H

NOTES. Burns Night is an evening of Scottish poetry and revelry celebrated on Robert Burns' birthday each January 25. The idea of Newkirk falling in with the Scots is sort of inspired by the movie "The Devil's Brigade," though mostly I just think he needs some drinking pals. Neeps and tatties are parsnips and potatoes, part of the traditional fare, though in all truth I think Newkirk's more concerned about missing out on the whiskey. The song Newkirk really wanted to sing at Burns Night is The Scotsman, which in all truth wasn't written until the 70s. But it's funny and kind of perfect, if a bit rude. I recommend Seamus Kennedy's version, which can be found on YouTube.