Dear Mavis, Are You Bloody Well Kidding Me?

by Abracadebra

What happens when Newkirk finds out that his sister has been writing letters to Colonel Hogan-and that the Guv has actually been writing back? Letters from an irritable British corporal happen, that's what. Many thanks for Prolegomenon aka Old English Game for inspiring this response with her very funny "To Colonel RE Hogan" story and to LE Wigman for playing along.

12. Chapter 12: In Re: Louis LeBeau

In response to "Mavis' Missives" by L.E. Wigman, Chapter 5. Bam.

March 30, 1944

Dear Mavis,

I know it's nearly Easter, but if you receive a letter from my mate LeBeau and it refers to Christmas, please rest assured that I had nothing to do with delaying its delivery.

For example, I did not pinch it from the outgoing post to use as a bookmark. Nor did I turn it over reluctantly to Colonel Hogan when he noticed Louis' handwriting peeking out of my volume of "Cold Comfort Farm." Which by the way is ruddy funny and you should read it. Not that I'm changing the subject or anything.

LeBeau's not a bad bloke but he is French and therefore unable to control himself, especially around females. And trust me, when he rhapsodizes about food, he is in fact thinking aroused thoughts about women. Namely, you. Which is all good and well if you don't mind thinking of yourself as a succulent Christmas turkey. Which, by the way, he calls "dinde" and serves with chestnuts. Isn't that repulsive?

So please watch what you say to him and don't encourage him in any way.

Your loving brother who only wants to protect you,

Peter

PS, Now mum's on my arse with a soppy letter about how she let us all down. Could you please put your letters from me away instead of leaving them strewn all across the kitchen where she can find them? You know, there are things I only tell you. That's because you're my favorite sister who I love so dearly that my heart could burst, even if you are irrationally attracted to devious and strangely unflawed Americans and puny Frenchman.