The Greatest Bowman
Chapter 7: This is Me
Summary: Felicity struggles with people's expectations. Her world begins to cave in, and Oliver worries.
The orphanage had become quite crowded in the past month after a small group of children were brought in from Bloomfield after a train accident up north had orphaned them tragically. Three little girls and a nine-year-old boy had been set up in the room that used to be Dr. Wells' office on the first floor, so the man had no choice but to move to a makeshift cubicle where his desk, files, and supplies were transferred.
For the first time since she had been employed as a teacher in the orphanage, Felicity was thankful that she had to climb four flights of stairs before she reached the attic. She took her time, even stopping at every landing to take a deep breath, because she was anxious. She was anxious that Dr. Wells had asked to speak to her before she headed home. His voice had been somber, and the serious expression on his face was a telltale sign that something troublesome, or unpleasant at the very least, was to be expected. When at last she reached the attic and drew near her employer's cubicle, she greeted him, "Good afternoon, Dr. Wells. You wanted to speak with me?"
"Yes, yes, my dear," Dr. Wells replied. "Come and sit."
Felicity was relieved that there was an empty chair beside his desk. She was not sure she could take the disagreeable news he was about to share standing up. She moved to take the seat.
Dr. Wells brought out a letter from his desk drawer and handed it to her. "I received this letter from the mail today. It's from the Herald." He motioned for her to read it, and she did so.
Halfway into the brief, handwritten correspondence bearing the newspaper editor's signature at the bottom, Felicity gasped sharply. "They want Noah Kuttler to make his identity known, or else..."
"…the owners of the paper will not renew your contract," Dr. Wells finished for her.
The letter indicated that the owners of the paper had been worried for quite some time already that Kuttler's science-oriented column had been dwelling on controversial topics connected to P.T. Barnum's circus and strange circus performers. The readers of the Herald were divided, and the management wanted to speak with Kuttler in person about toning down the commentaries and lessening the compliments that seemed to stir up arguments and disagreements among the erudite members of society in Star City, and to convince the writer to shift to other topics of interest that did not spark this much dispute. Dr. Wells himself did not think it likely that there were just as many readers of Kuttler's column that disliked what Felicity had been writing for several weeks as those that appreciated her wit and the information she shared. Yet, he did attribute the pressure that the editor was putting on her to the personal sentiments of the owners of the Herald, which he knew to be close friends with her rival columnist and known Barnum critic, Mr. James Bennett.
It saddened and frustrated Felicity immensely how many learned people were steeped in bigotry despite the changes in the times. If they wanted to stay groping in the dark and wallowing in ignorance, narrow-mindedness, and prejudice, they were better off doing those themselves. Why did they have to require the rest of the public to grope and wallow with them? She also resented the pressure that the people running the newspaper were exerting on Dr. Wells and on her. It was not as if the paper was losing subscribers; on the contrary, the Sunday edition of the Herald had been yielding more revenue since her first column was published. If a columnist preferred his or her privacy over public recognition, they ought to respect it.
"What are we going to do?" Felicity asked Dr. Wells fretfully. "If I come out and tell them the truth about myself, I will surely come to ruin!"
"Calm down, Felicity," said Dr. Wells. "If we stay calm and composed, we will be in a much better position to find a solution to this situation. I can stall… wait for them to contact me personally. Perhaps by then we will have thought of something. I only wanted you to be aware of this development so that you, too, can get that brilliant mind of yours to think of a solution."
"Very well," she responded with a sigh. "If you think of something before I do, please do let me know. Thank you for telling me, Dr. Wells. I know that you are risking your reputation for my sake. I just wish you will not get into too much trouble on account of me."
"Oh Felicity, you could never be trouble," her kind mentor told her. "This world needs more women like you. Everything will be alright."
Felicity left the cubicle only a tad bit relieved. She could not help but be anxious about what will happen, so much so that Barry noticed this as he walked her home that day. He had offered some practical advice similar to what Dr. Wells had already given, and he promised to help think of a solution to her dilemma. He even proposed posing as Noah Kuttler to save her from having to reveal her true identity as a female columnist, but Felicity immediately dismissed this, telling him that she was not going to resort to even more deception just to save her skin.
That night, Felicity spent most of the night tossing and turning, wondering and worrying about the possibility of her writing career ending so early, and of her dream of going to the teachers' college never becoming reality.
Two days later, Felicity's circumstances became even more disheartening and upsetting. Oliver Queen brought her as his date to an early Christmas banquet at Queen Manor. The event was hosted by his family for the employees of their company. At first she had told him that she really did not celebrate Christmas, being Jewish, but upon his polite (and very charming) request, she had obliged, thinking that there was always a first time for everything. Her mother Donna had not objected to her going and had even encouraged her to accept Oliver's gracious invitation. However, no matter how hard she tried to win the Queen matriarch's graces, Moira Queen consistently gave her the cold shoulder the entire evening. Felicity was beyond frustrated. She was hurt, and no amount of reassurance from Oliver that she mattered to him could ease the pangs of rejection that she felt.
Felicity wondered why Oliver's sincere words and calming touch were not enough to soothe her aching heart. She sensed that her anger went deeper than that which resulted from mere spurning by Oliver's mother. She thought that perhaps it was because what happened during dinner simply compounded what she had already been struggling with in the past few days. Oliver's mother was not the only one incapable of accepting her for who she was; there were plenty of other people in Star City (and the world) that still thought less of people like her, no matter how hard they tried to show what they were capable of. The events in the past days were demeaning, making her question her lot in life and her place in society like never before.
Why was it so hard for people to recognize her for who she was? Besides her mother, Dr. Wells, Barry, and Oliver, only one other person made her feel significant. In fact, no one made her feel distinctly valued and special the way her hooded archer-friend did, which was why Felicity found herself opening up to the Green Arrow yet again that weekend.
"Why can't people see me as me? Why do I have to hide behind my estranged father's shadow just so that my ideas can be accepted?" she ranted in frustration. Her hooded friend was quiet, but she knew that he was listening to her intently. "I mean, this is who I am! Felicity Smoak." She let out a bitter laugh, realizing the ironic implication of what she just said. "And yet I have to use a man's name just to have my articles published," she added with sarcasm.
"You have a beautiful name because you have a beautiful heart. You should use it. For the paper," he told her.
"And what? Lose my job?"
Felicity was clearly upset. He regretted the remark, which he had meant to be a compliment. He hoped that her anger was not directed towards him because of it, yet he dared to push on with every intention of making her see that he was unlike everybody else whom she described as prejudiced and discriminatory. She needed to know that he saw her and valued her for who she truly was, and he was going to tell her exactly that until she is completely persuaded of it – if not as Oliver Queen, then as the Green Arrow.
"Tell them who you are," he suggested confidently. "If they let you go, then it is they who are not worthy of you. Not the other way around."
Felicity should have been encouraged and motivated by his words as he had hoped – flattered, at the very least. But she became even more upset, responding sternly without much thought. "You are one to speak. Why would I take the advice of someone who hides his true self under a hood?"
Immediately, a wave of guilt washed over her, making her blood run cold. She regretted every single word that she had just used to lash out at him on impulse. "I'm sorry," she uttered, this time sincerely, in a softer tone of voice. "I… I didn't mean what I said." She worried for a moment when he did not respond, sitting in silence beside her with his head hung low. That she had hurt his feelings was palpable indeed.
After a minute or two, the Green Arrow spoke, his voice laced with shame. "You are right. I am in no position to offer you such advice." He moved to stand, and Felicity was afraid that he was going to leave because she had offended him with judgmental words and ill-temperedness.
"No, wait! Please…," she said, launching herself towards him from the windowsill and grasping his wrist. Warmth spread all over her at the contact. He did not flinch at her touch; if at all, the tension in his body actually dissipated. "Please don't go. I take back what I said. You were only trying to help. I apologize for being so harsh. I was just… very upset. But not at you, really. I'm just…"
"I understand," he said. His voice was low and gruff, yet she understood him clearly.
She observed him slowly turn to fix his gaze on her hand on his wrist. She then released her grip on his wrist when she was sure he was not about to leave her alone on the fire escape. She led him back to his spot near her window, and then she sat down beside him this time, instead of on her usual place on the windowsill.
They talked for another hour before they said good night and parted once more. The Green Arrow chose to become vulnerable, opening up to his dear friend about some of the choices he had regretted making in the past, which still haunted him, including having killed a man in self-defense. He told his story very tactfully, taking extra care to leave out details of the island that he had been stranded on for three years where those horrific experiences had taken place. He confessed that he still struggled with terrible nightmares from time to time as a result of his traumatic experiences. He also shared with her about the lingering dilemma of living two lives – something that she could somehow identify with.
Felicity felt privileged that he chose to become vulnerable with her. She could tell that he really needed someone to talk to who would not judge him prematurely and unfairly for the things he had done that filled him with guilt and for the things he had gone through that filled him with shame. She respected the fact that he still chose not to reveal his identity to her. At the moment, it was not as important to her as him being released from the prison of guilt and shame. As far as she was concerned, the mere act of telling her his deepest, darkest secrets was already a milestone, not just for him, but for their friendship. She felt as though they had bonded more profoundly that night more than any other night previously.
"It must be hard… letting it all out of your chest," Felicity commented when he was done sharing.
"It is. You are the first person I've told," he admitted humbly.
The admission caught her by surprise. He had never told anyone, and he had been back home for more than a year already. This poor man had kept all his woes locked up inside him. It saddened her, but it also elated her that he trusted her enough with his secrets.
"Oh… Thank you for trusting me. It means a lot," she said, reaching out to place her hand on his between them. He looked at their hands, and then he turned his own, palm up, inviting her to intertwine her fingers with his. She did, and fondly so.
Then he said, "You mean a lot, Felicity Smoak, at least to me." His words grip her, causing her heart to flutter and her cheeks to blush.
"That… is good enough for me," she responded gratefully. She did not need anybody else's affirmation. She smiled at him and added, "You matter to me too, you know, even though I still don't know your name. I hope that one day you'll get to stop living two lives and just be… happy."
That night, Oliver slept soundly, perhaps for the first time in years. Baring his soul to the woman he had learned to love had been cathartic. He knew it was just a matter of time before he found the courage to tell her who he really was. Felicity, on the other hand, had a hard time falling asleep. Confusion dawned upon her as to which wonderful man had truly won her heart – the romantic suitor that is Oliver Queen, or the bosom friend that the Green Arrow had become.
It was Sunday the next day. Felicity was supposed to watch another of P.T. Barnum's shows like she promised the Green Arrow the night before. But she was not able to leave early to buy a ticket at the last minute because her mother had come home very much upset.
"Felicity!" Donna Smoak shouted angrily, barging into her room as she was getting ready to leave.
"Mother, what's happened? You look upset," Felicity asked nervously, looking at her mother's reflection on the mirror.
"Upset? With what I have just found out, upset seems more like an understatement!" her mother yelled, tears pooling in her angry eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what, Mother?" Felicity stood and turned away from her dresser to face her mother completely.
Donna flung what looked like a page from the Herald onto her bed, and instantly, Felicity's jaw dropped. Her blood ran cold. She knew what this was about. Her mother had found out about her secret.
"Noah Kuttler! Seriously, Felicity? How could you do this behind my back?!"
Felicity's lips quiver but they forget how to function. Tears began to stream down her face as she realized how deeply she had hurt her mother. Feelings of betrayal and disbelief were evident on her mother's face and body language.
Donna asked again, "How long have you been writing for the Sunday paper using your father's name? What possessed you to do such a thing?"
"I…" Instead of giving an explanation, she posed a question. "How did you find out?" she asked as she collapsed like a ragdoll onto her bed.
Donna let the hands on her hips fall on her sides as she approached her daughter. Taking a deep breath, she tells Felicity, "The Bowens. They met with potential business partners when they were in New York some weeks ago. Remember when I couldn't go to Ms. Lind's concert? Anyway, one of them was your father. Of all the people they could have met in all of the places in this world, it had to be your worthless liar of a father! Noah took money from them for something that he claimed was a worthwhile investment – a huge amount of money, Felicity! The Bowens tried to contact him again to check on their investment, but he was nowhere to be found. He ran, like he always did. The authorities in New York City are still looking for him."
Donna paused to take deep breaths. She was trembling in anger and sheer frustration. When she was able to calm down somewhat, she continued. "The Bowens read the papers, Felicity. But today of all days, they took notice of the byline in one of the featured articles. Mr. Bowen was shocked that a man of the same name was writing for the Sunday Herald. I was serving them breakfast and overheard their conversation. As soon as I heard your father's name, I knew. It had to be you writing the column." Donna looked down at the page of the Herald that bore her father's name and cried.
"Mother…" It was all Felicity could say as a form of apology for keeping this from her mother.
Donna looked up at her sadly. She held her daughter's shoulders and said, "Felicity, darling, I know why you did it, and I appreciate that you are only trying to help by working another job, albeit under false pretenses. I just couldn't believe that you would keep something like this from me. Does anyone else know?"
Felicity was ashamed to admit it, but she had to tell the truth. She had hurt her mother enough. She nodded in affirmation.
Donna frowned. "Who?"
"Dr. Wells and Barry. Dr. Wells was actually the one who got me the job. He believes in me, Mother." Felicity bit her lower lip after the confession. She had a feeling she had just hurt her mother even more, admitting that other people had known beforehand instead of her. Donna's facial expression said as much.
What her mother told her next, though, was something that Felicity had not expected.
"Well," Donna sighed heavily, devastation evident in her voice and on her face, "I hope you were able to save enough from your job at the paper for the both of us. In my shock, my mouth must have gotten ahead of my mind and I accidentally blurted out in front of the Bowens that I knew who Noah Kuttler was. They demanded I tell them everything I knew, or they would let me go. So, I did. I told them that Noah was your father and that we haven't seen him for more than ten years. I told them that I don't know where he is now, but they wouldn't believe me, so they still let me go. Worse, they also intend to go to the Herald and expose their columnist as a swindler, which means, you are about to lose your job, too."
How could things go from bad to worst so swiftly? Felicity was just as devastated as her mother.
The very next day, the editor and the owners of the Herald marched into the orphanage escorted by the police. They demanded that Dr. Wells surrender Noah Kuttler to them. Hence, Dr. Wells was forced to reveal Kuttler's true identity so that Felicity will be cleared of any criminal allegations. The paper fired Felicity and threatened to sue her for misrepresentation. Felicity and her mother were invited to the precinct for questioning about the whereabouts of Noah Kuttler.
The next few days were an emotional circus for Felicity. She was so confused and bewildered at everything that was happening. She was overcome by guilt and shame and self-loathing and fear. She blamed herself for the misfortune she had brought upon her mother and herself. She never wanted to set foot on a police precinct ever again. She did not even visit the orphanage. Whenever she was at home, she locked herself up in her room and refused to see anyone but her mother. Dr. Wells and Barry were worried about her, and so was Oliver.
Oliver called on her twice to find out what the problem was, but Felicity refused to see him. She was much too ashamed to face him. What will he and his family think of her now? She made her mother and her friends promise not to tell Oliver a thing about her present predicament. What worried Oliver most was that Felicity was not even willing to see him as the Green Arrow. For the first time since she met her green hooded friend, the window at her fire escape was closed that Saturday night.
That next day, Sunday, Oliver figured out what was wrong when he read the Sunday paper, only to discover that Noah Kuttler's column was nowhere to be found.
A/N: And so the plot thickens and the angst picks up as we approach the climax. I hope you are still there. It would be nice to know. :-) "Never Enough" and "Tightrope" are coming up.