"I'll miss you."
We share an embrace as people shuffle past us toward the shuttle gates. "I'll miss you too, Bennie." I whisper. "I wish…"
I don't finish my sentence, but Bennie understood. She'd always understood me. One of few. Maybe that was why I'd loved her as much as I did.
"Me too." Bennie said into my ear.
I saw Ben #2 looking at us. Looking at Bennie's butt.
Fuck you Ben #2.
Kelvin was there too. I saw Jess and Andre. There was Marlin wearing the same business suit. Larry, Skyler. Jon with his arm tattoo and distinctive orange hair. Hannah. Sarah. Names. Names. Names. My closest friends and some of Jay's friends, all of them here to see me off. I'd played the game of connections, and I'd won. I had people who cared about me, who I cared for in return.
I gave Bennie one last squeeze. "I have to go." I said. I made to retreat by loosening my arms, but found that I couldn't.
"Don't forget about us, ok?" Bennie said angrily as she held me. "Don't forget that we're waiting for you here, that some of us would be sad if you were to just completely disappear from our lives."
I knew immediately what Bennie was alluding to. She was afraid I'd commit suicide. Oh Bennie..
The intercom broadcast chimed a loud melody. "Flight 312A will take off in thirty minutes. All passengers please board the shuttle at Gate A2."
The message was repeated again in French, and Bennie let me go. "Stay in touch."
"I will."
I looked up at the gathering of people and smiled. "Thank you all. I…" I was at a loss for words. All I had was gratitude and that was all I could give them. "Thank you."
Bennie looked ready to cry again, and so I waved and quickly began walking toward the terminal. "Adieu, Mary!" I heard Jess call.
"Take care of yourself!" One of the guys yelled.
"Mary Oldsman! We're here for you!"
I showed my ticket to the woman at the gate. The ticket was torn apart, and a piece of its remains were handed back to me. Without looking the woman in the eyes, without looking back, I strolled into the tunnel.
I heard one last "Au revoir!" as I rounded a bend. Au revoir. A wish conveyed in three syllables. Would I return? I wasn't sure. Killing Light could be easy. I could simply carry a knife in my pocket. A complete stranger who he would have absolutely no reason to suspect. And then I would have him and he'd be dead.
The most difficult part of any murder wasn't the actual murdering, but the ability to do it without getting caught.
If only I had a Death Note.
The intercom began to broadcast almost the moment I sat down. A series of notes escalated.
"Hello. And welcome to Air Canada. All passengers must have their seatbelts fastened during takeoff. The plane will be departing shortly."
Scaling down. Bing-bing-bing-bing. A distraction from my thoughts.
I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I could definitely kill Kira. But what would I do after? I didn't know. I'd have to have a better plan than just walking up and stabbing him if I wanted to get away with it. If I even wanted to get away with it. Did I?
I'd always felt detached from the other students when I was attending school in Japan. I didn't make any real friends in Japan. Even with an entire decade to adjust, I was never able to adapt to the hyper-conservative nature of Japanese culture and thought. To me, my classmates were nothing more than children.
Bennie had been my first true friend (Leanne Sun had had no friends.) She'd lived down the hall of my dorm room in McGill during my freshman year. We hadn't really been friends then. Just acquaintances who did a few activities together within the context of larger groups. It was second year when we both applied to be teaching assistants to the same course that our relationship really hit off. Sheer coincidence. I remember the nights we'd stayed up grading piles of homework together. I'd take a break and buy her coffee. She'd do the same to pay me back. We'd jog together in the mornings; eat breakfast together; talk about our work, our lives, and our goals. Bennie was one of the few who understood the world in the same way that I did.
We shared secrets. We bonded. It was Bennie who'd introduced me to-
…
To throw myself away would be the same as declaring my life to be unimportant; I would be basically saying that the people who I knew and loved weren't worth living for.
These were all thoughts I'd pondered over endlessly in the last two weeks. My emotions would wax and wane during that time. Inconsistent and sometimes intangible. There was only one response I could elicit from myself that was consistent.
Jay.
Bing-bing-bing-bing
"Ladies and gentlemen. We are ready for take off. We will be arriving at Toronto in just over one hour. Please enjoy the flight and thank you for choosing Air Canada. Have a pleasant flight."
The plane's engine roared, giving my heart voice. A fire burned in the back of my eyes, searing, scalding. Moist. I existed for one purpose and only one purpose: to kill Yagami Light. Nothing else mattered. Nothing was going to hold me back. I was not going to risk any failure, not even for my friends, and definitely not for myself.
My heart was stone; I would not waver.
Transfer
Toronto was the hub of planes. I went from one plane to the next. One moment in stasis, the next moment in the air, moving at a little under the speed of sound. I'd given my mother a call during that interim. I'd told her that I was going home. She had been ecstatic, even though her words had not been spoken to that effect. I know. I wasn't a very good daughter. I rarely called home, rarely even thought of home. I had been so engaged with my future plans that I'd left my mother to live by herself for eight years. I periodically sent her money, knowing that it wasn't enough.
I felt like a massive traitor; my homecoming would be brief, and I would disappoint my mother even more than my father had. I'd let my mother down by leaving her to years of solitude; I was an ingrate. I was going to let my friends down. I'll probably never see them again. And me. I had let myself down. By settling into complacency, believing the security of my future, I'd done whatever I wanted without thought to consequence. I should have stopped Kira when I'd had the chance. Or at least tried.
And now-
...
too little too late.
For the thirteen hours I was in the air, I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I was so angry. Angry at myself for being so stupid. Angry at some stranger I'd never seen in real life for being the crazy, fucked up man that he was. I was angry... at Jay.
for writing that article.
Jay... my jaw tightened as I tried to hold myself together. This was ridiculous. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
The sounds of a busy airport greeted me as I stepped out of the terminal. The characters on the sign above my head blared loud and green.
東京
日本
Tokyo. I swayed. My eyes felt heavy, exhausted.
Where?
Where are you? Where did you live? Where was your family? Which city? Which district? Which house?
Where are you?