A/N: FOR THE LOVE GOD I NEED TO STOP UPDATING MY STORY BEFORE I EDIT THE CHAPTER Q.Q

January 4, 2007: Yagami Sayu

The psychologist comes in and sits down in front of me. Hayakawa Nojiko. She sits in front of me and smiles. "Good morning, Sayu. How are you doing?"

Hi. Hello. How are you? Is today any different from yesterday? Or tomorrow? Did it matter?

I didn't answer her. Nojiko was wearing a bra under her flannel shirt. I could see its ridges despite the obscuring checker pattern. Black. Buttons and red. Talking. Torture.

"Sayu. I know it's hard, but I want you to tell me how you're feeling right now. If you don't talk, I won't know how to help you get better."

The gun was on my head. The leering smiles that surrounded me were cold and ruthless. I was a liability, a pawn. My life culminated on that one moment, that one purpose. And my purpose was done.

"Your brother Light is worried about you. I heard the university is giving you a chance to go back. You can resume from where you left off."

HAND OVER THE NOTEBOOK OR SHE DIES. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. 10 SECONDS. DO IT NOW

"Ms. Yagami. Is there anything we can do to help you?"

Father was holding me, was crying with relief. With guilt. And then Father had died. And it was my fault and why did I bother doing anything at all when something like that could happen to me at anytime. There was no security. It was better if I didn't do anything at all. I would be unimportant. No one would notice me. No one would care to do anything to me.

In a world where any amount of publicity or significance to your name raised the risk of death, being nobody, nothing, meant I could be safe. Or as safe as I ever could be.

SHUT UP OR I SWEAR ON MY LIFE YOU WILL END UP LIKE HER

Ruthless. Ruthless. There were no mercy in those eyes.

Hayakawa Nojiko spoke to me for another 30 minutes, which was the time she had been paid to attend to me. I kept my eyes riveted on her chest. The clock on the left wall clicked and clacked. Time withered away. What did it matter? All of it, everything was a joke. A sham. Nothing was real. Except that bra-line.

Putting down her notepad and pen, Hayakawa Nojiko looked at her wrist. "We'll speak again tomorrow. If there's anything, anything I can do, please let me know. I want to help you. You're not alone, do you understand?"

Sayu. I'm sorry. I'm a failure. Your father is a failure.

Hayakawa Nojiko wheeled me out to the lobby where Yagami Sachi waited to receive me. Yagami Sachi and Hayakawa Nojiko spoke for a few moments. Yagami Sachi nodded understandingly, despairingly. There was a sort of alarm to her voice. She seemed tired. So very tired. I heard promises of recovery, of some response I supposedly made on stimulus.

Yagami Sachi attempts to provide the same stimulus. My eyes remained on their legs: a lower plane of existence. A mumbled excuse, something about variation and spontaneity of response, was passed from one woman to the other. Hayakawa Nojiko was a liar. If Light were here, he'd know immediately. He'd denounce Hayakawa Nojiko for her dishonest practices, for being full of empty words and lies, and he'd take me away. To someone else. Or he could spend time with me and try to help me himself. He would certainly be capable of doing that. Light was capable of anything.

January 28, 2007

I laid in bed all day today, stewing in my own waste. Mother had had a breakdown.

She'd come in today. I had let my bowels loose on my bed. I felt disgusting. I felt like an animal. Maybe Mother would stop caring if I became like this. Why was I doing this to her? Why couldn't I just be normal again? Why couldn't I clean up my own shit?

She'd slapped me. I remembered being unable to withhold my feeling of betrayal, of sadness, as she snapped her palms at me. Externally, I hadn't reacted. I'd sat there silently as I took the brunt of Yagami Sachi's fury and self-pity. I had been left alone that day to dirty the linen and to starve. I wanted to die. If Yagami Sachi wanted me alive, then I would stay alive, but if she stopped caring, I would die. It was that simple.

SHUT UP

There would be one more outburst after that. And then there was resignation. I hadn't been abandoned yet. I was Yagami Sachi's emotional crutch. She needed me.

February 8, 2007

Light was home, and despite everything, I became selfish again.

Help me, Light. I thought as I stared into his brown eyes. He regarded me for a long time without saying a single word.

Help me.

He looked so sad.

Your father is a failure

It was my fault that dad was dead. My fault. I began to cry silently as we stared at each other. I was pleading Light to stay even though I didn't want to. Light... I didn't know what Light was thinking, but he left soon after telling me about how everything was Kira's fault and that he would do all he could to catch Kira. He gave me one apology before leaving. He didn't care enough about me to stay. I understood, but I was still hurt.

Goodbye Light.

December 20, 2007

Time passed quickly, like a smear of paint struck across a canvas; a blur. One day, a woman comes to the door of the Yagami household. Not the first, and certainly not the last. Yagami Sachi pops the door open, glad to have a visitor and probably wishing it was Light. Light lived with Amane Misa now. He came home once every several months. "I'm busy." He'd say. Compared to the important things he was doing, his family was trivial. Light was doing everything he could to fight the forces that were responsible for the death of Yagami Souichiro. As he should. I didn't matter, and that was exactly where I should be.

Father… Father died for me. It was all because I had made myself matter, when I was more stupid and selfish. Light would be different. With the way we were going, Light would not give his life to save me. He shouldn't. He was more important than I could ever be in any capacity. I wouldn't be the one dragging him down; it's the only way I can help.

The woman was brought in, and they came to the living room.

"Sayu." Yagami Sachi's voice rang hollowly in my ears. "We have a visitor."

I look up briefly. The woman looked strange. A foreigner?

"She's a researcher from… the West. Her name is Mary… Ole-duh-su-ma-nu?"

"Oldsman." The woman corrected. "Mary Oldsman."

Definitely a foreigner. The foreigner, Mary Oldsman, knelt and looked up at me. "Yagami Sayu. Hi. I heard about you from one of my colleagues a few months ago. Your case is exceedingly rare. A level of post-traumatic stress never before documented. According to my colleague, they've tried all kinds of treatment to 'cure' you, both verbal… and physical."

Speak

-A buzz of current-

Speak

I opened my mouth and trembled soundlessly. No words came out. Yagami Sachi had put a stop to it almost immediately. After she found out.

Mary Oldsman blinked with a look of surprise in her pretty green eyes. Her Japanese was good for a foreigner. Was she a half?

"You haven't spoken a word since you came back from America."

She watches me carefully, forcing my eyes to meet hers. I blurred her out and stopped focusing. I'd become quite good at it. Losing focus. I could sit like this for hours. For days. Forever. It's not like it would make any difference. A world with Yagami Sayu is no different from a world without Yagami Sayu. Better, in fact. At least I was still here.

I knew that if I wasn't, Mother would become unstable. She would not live long. I was sure of it. Mother needed me alive. Neither of us were really important. We were hindrances, but Yagami Sachi… was my mother.

The foreigner stood. "Mrs. Yagami. I'd like to study your daughter. I've already made arrangements. If you're willing, I would like to live here for a time."

"Live here?"

"Yes. The research facility will pay all expenses. I will be observing your daughter around the clock, and I'll also be helping you take care of her."

"Help-?.. How long?"

Was that hope I heard in her voice? Hope that I would recover? Or was it hope borne from the fact that she could be relieved from having to attend to my every need for a time?

"I'm not sure. It will depend on what I see in the first few days. I can apply for a grant extension of up to six months. Maybe more. It all depends on whether or not there is any hope in recovery."

"Is there?"

"If it's a psychological condition, then I know there is. If it's a physiological condition, then there really isn't much I can do. I would refer you to a brain tissue recovery specialist and that would be that. A brain scan can deliver information that will be useful in gauging whether or not there is any significant physical component contributing to her symptoms. There are several brain-imaging technology that she will have to go through."

"That sounds expensive. I don't know if we have the money."

If all else failed, Light had money. Yagami Sachi was well aware of that. The less we paid the better. I already knew what choice Yagami Sachi would make. Very tactful. I was sure she would be willing to pay any sum to make me 'better', but it was always prudent to try to offload any expenses that might be incurred.

"Money won't be an issue. As I've said, this is a research opportunity, and it is you who will be catering to our interests." I hear something rustle. "Please read these documents carefully, Mrs. Yagami. All details of the arrangement are written therein. If you find the terms to be agreeable, I ask you solidify our agreement by signing below."

I heard Yagami Sachi flip through the pages much too quickly for her to have really read anything in enough detail. Maybe the font was really large.

"This seems almost too good to be true." Yagami Sachi said. There was a lot of hope in that voice, hope that I hadn't heard her exhibit since Doctor Kurotsuchi Mayuri had promised that he would cure me. Before Kurotsuchi Mayuri started physical treatment. My fingers trembled at the memory. There was the scratching sound as a signature was put on paper.

"Your thumb prints too. Yours and your daughter's."

"That too?"

"Yes. Identification is extremely important, Mrs. Yagami." A stern tone. "Especially considering the investment that might be put into the research."

"Of course. Of course." Yagami Sachi backpedalled. "Of course it is. When will you be moving in?"

"The contract is effective immediately on the date you provide your signature, which is today. I'll return tomorrow, Mrs. Yagami. I have various equipment and personal effects that I would like to ready before I move in."

There was the sound of packing as Yagami Sachi spoke some ingratiating pleasantries. And then the packing was done and the voices distanced themselves from me. Words were exchanged at the door, and I couldn't quite hear.

There was a click as the door was shut. Moments later, Yagami Sachi returned to the living room.

"Sayu!" The woman was practically in tears. "There's hope! Oh thank the gods there's hope!"

I didn't say a word. The world was a blur, and it would remain so. It must.

December 21, 2007

Mary Oldsman appeared very early in the morning. Apparently Yagami Sachi had arranged for her to come as soon as possible. Or was it the other way around? It was raining, and I lay in my bed, feeling existence weighing down on me. Best to not think on it. Best to not think anything. Mary Oldsman was brought in and the two woman discussed arrangements.

Yagami Sachi went into great detail over how to care for me. How to feed me. How to keep me clean. How to handle my ingestion of food. The tubes they put into me to get me to eat. And to shit. There was the combing of my hair, my daily walk, my visit to the psychiatrist Hayakawa Nojiko who was a liar and who Light could've instantly identified as a liar if only he'd cared. There were the times that I was to be taken out for exercise, and there were the massage and stretch techniques that were done to keep my muscles from atrophying.

There was the scratching of something being written on paper as Yagami Sachi talked. After the exchange of words, my new caretaker helped to carry my body to the wheelchair. I felt like a sack. Being dumped on the chair. An object that had to be attended to and discussed.

I was laid down in the tub, propped up to keep from sinking. Yagami Sachi demonstrated washing me. My new caretaker helped. I'd thought she would be taking notes.

Something pinched at my skin. "I'd expected her to be a lot skinnier." Mary Oldsman noted. "There's fat on her sides. You're feeding her quite well."

"Ah." Yagami Sachi ah'd. "There was a doctor and a nurse who had experience caring for comatose patients. My son brought them to the house."

"You have a son?"

"I do." Yagami Sachi's voice brightened, and she began to talk about Light. Most of it was bragging. How long had it been since she'd been able to talk about Light like this? How long since she'd had anyone to hold conversation with her like this?

I felt a stir inside as they washed me. It was a stir of mortification, of shame. I was the lowest form of existence. I was feeling the old desire to have people approve of me, to have some of my old dignity as a human being. It was weird. Why did I care what Mary Oldsman thought of me?

It was the very same feeling I had whenever Light came to visit. I was beyond grateful that Light didn't get to see me like this, that only Yagami Sachi needed to see me like this. Like a fat, white leech. I felt horribly ashamed.

"I think the water's too hot." Mary Oldsman said as she scrubbed my cheeks. "Her face is getting red."

Night

Mary Oldsman moved into my room. Today was a good day for Yagami Sachi. I could tell. Her mood was drastically improved. Taking care of me was a lot of work; I knew the resentment in Yagami Sachi's heart every time she wiped away the stains from my sheets. It wasn't like I was the one who wanted me around.

Instead of laying me in bed to sleep like I'd expected her to, Mary Oldsman had had me propped up on several pillows that had been laid against the bed's wooden back frame. She was a strong woman, to be able to carry me around so easily. Either that or I weighed nothing. Or both.

Then she began to talk to me.

"Hey Sayu. What do you think about Kira?"

I twitched. The Kira case had killed Yagami Souichiro. Kira was the reason Light was never around anymore. There was a deep surety in my mind that Light would never catch Kira. How did I know? It was obvious. If Light had had any chance at catching Kira, he would've died of a heart attack a long time ago. As much as I hated Kira, Light being alive was more important. I wish he'd visit though. He never visited. I have a suspicion Light didn't want to see me regardless of my mental state. I was a liability. So was Yagami Sachi.

"You know, ten years ago, I could never imagine the world to be the way it is now, and I'd known a lot about the world. More than almost anyone else, I'd wager."

Mary Oldsman paused, obviously expecting me to say something. I don't.

"There are no wars. Nothing blatant at least, and everyone is afraid of doing wrong. Kira's standards are becoming increasingly insane. Did you know a pickpocket whose name was mentioned in the back article of a paper died of a heart attack this morning?"

I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I hadn't read the news in a year, and Yagami Sachi never talked to me about Kira. She loathed Kira, despised Kira with all her heart, but she was also deathly afraid. Many people were. Kira was terrifying.

"It gets worse. Kira is taking over the media and international police now. Any and all crimes are to be publicly announced and delivered onto public news media. It's scary. A lot of writers and reporters have resigned. A lot of them stayed. And some of them-" Mary Oldsman laughed. It sounded very nice, even if I didn't get the humor. I hadn't heard geniuine laughter in my vicinity in a long time.

"Some of them put up resistance to Kira, denouncing Kira a dictator and usurper of free will and free speech. What's to stop Kira from declaring smoking a crime? What's to stop Kira from making laziness a crime? Kira can kill anyone and justify it." Mary Oldsman laughed again; a quiet chuckle. She sounded almost crazy. What was so funny? I didn't get it. "Do you know what happened to the writers who wrote such articles?"

Mary Oldsman waited, again giving me room to respond. It was obvious what the answer was. I didn't say anything.

"It's gotten to the point that Kira will kill anyone who doesn't agree with his point of view. More people are going to die, and no one is any closer to finding out who Kira is."

That's… I felt my jaw tremble. My thoughts went immediately to Light. Did this mean Light was in danger? He was definitely hunting Kira, but he wasn't publicly hunting Kira right?

Right?

I waited for Mary to give me the answer. I waited and heard nothing. I flicked my eyes toward the side of my bed, toward the floor where Mary had placed her sleeping arrangements, and saw that she was looking at me.

I immediately look away.

"I want to meet your brother. I want him here in this room with you right now. You care about him don't you?"

I almost nod, but the long habit of despondency saved me from doing so.

Mary Oldsman crawled onto my bed, forcing eye contact with me again. She was grinning. I defocused my vision. I felt threatened. Not that I cared. I wouldn't flinch if a knife was drawn at me. I would go gladly.

SHUT UP OR I SWEAR ON MY LIFE YOU WILL END UP LIKE HER

Hitomi had been at the floor of the van. Her neck had been situated at an odd angle. No movement. Nothing.

My breathing became heavy, and I was glad when Mary Oldsman retreated from my bed. Something about her reminded me of that man with the wild eyes and shiny, shoulder-length blonde hair.

"Is your brother cute?"

I could see Mary looking at me expectantly. I didn't reply, obviously. The last time I'd been asked that question had been in middle school. Is my brother cute? That was a horrible thing to ask someone's sister. Even if I hadn't become like this, I still wouldn't have answered. Gods, it must be her western culture. Maybe it was normal there to ask people if they thought their siblings were attractive.

"Fine. Don't tell me. I do need to see him though. We need-"

It was at this point that someone knocked on the door. "Ms. Oldsman?"

Had Mother been eavesdropping? I looked at Mary and saw immediately that she was asking herself the same question. Her eyes were wide with what looked like mortification, the smile was gone from her lips.

"Please come in. The door isn't locked."

Mother walked in. Her eyes were narrowed and a fake smile was on her lips when she looked at me. "Can we talk outside?"

"One moment please, Mrs. Yagami." Mary replied.

Mother looked at me again. I saw her mouth gape slowly as she realized that I was explicitly looking at her. I quickly tuned my eyes out of focus.

"You first, Mrs. Yagami." Mary Oldsman said as she neared the doorway. There was a moment of silence. Yagami Sachi's face was still fixed in my general direction, but I could no longer see the finer details.

"Oh uh. Yes. We can speak about this in the morning actually. Sayu looks tired. I'm just… a little worried."

"It's no problem, Mrs. Yagami. It's only natural for you to worry. Feel free to tell me whatever is on your mind. Just know that my priorities are the information regarding your daughter's circumstance and your daughter's recovery. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

There was a pause during which Yagami Sachi seemed to fidget. "So about the brain scan you talked about..?"

"I assure you the brain scans are harmless. A little bit of radioactive exposure not unlike the amount one would usually receive at the dentist's. Again, this test is necessary for the extension of the grant for this particular research project. The results will be submitted to the facility where we will determine the eligibility of this case. I can say that it's very promising. Mrs. Yagami. I firmly believe your daughter's disorder is purely psychological, and I'm certain that we will be able to pull through with the grant."

"Oh I hope so. Thank you, Mrs. Oldsman."

"No problem, Mrs. Yagami. And just Mary is fine."

Yagami Sachi laughed a polite laugh. "Right. You westerners and your first names. Good night, Mary."

"Good night, Mrs. Yagami."

The door clicked shut. There was a shuffling sound outside as Yagami Sachi walked to the guest room. The door to the guest room went shut with an audible noise from down the hall.

"Well," Mary came over and propped me into a laying position. "Since we're leaving at 6, we'll have to wake up at 4 to clean you up."

After getting me into position, Mary took out the lights. I heard her yawn in the sudden darkness. "Good night, Sayu. See you in seven hours."

I close my eyes.

Good night.

Author's Notes:

OK, so Mello is in this story. He coordinates the kidnapping of Sayu in canon, and, in canon, Sayu went into a state of shock after being rescued. Whether or not she's recovered is uncertain. And so here it is. Voila. Despondent Zombie Sayu. For those of you who read the original first chapter that I put out when I first published the fic, I found the original plot I had planned was too convoluted so I removed that chapter the first week after publishing this fic. Yeah that's all I really wanted to say. Thanks for reading! :-)