Chapter 26
Jessica POV
"Ma'am," she vaguely registered the distant male voice but didn't turn to it.
"Ma'am," this time it was more forceful and closer. She could hear his youth, but her eyes and mind remained fixed on the page in front of her.
"Captain King, ma'am," the voice was accompanied by a light touch to her shoulder.
The small gesture shocked her back to the here and now. Jessica's eyes snapped up to the young sergeant's pimply face, his expression a mix of concern and annoyance, the world around them jerking back into focus.
You could feel the nervous energy in the air all around them. Men in all types of military uniform bustled about the airfield which had become their make-shift camp. Jeeps and trucks sped back and forth, sometimes just-just missing a soldier, any near collision followed by a trail of curses and rude gestures.
She couldn't tell if there were more trucks or planes on the airfield, and every time she looked it seemed a new stack of crates had appeared out of thin air.
She blinked twice and closed the brown folder. "Yes, sergeant," she said, her voice harder than the young man deserved.
He swallowed and fiddled with the shoe box sized crate he was holding. "Umm, well ma'am. This is for you. It's a special delivery which I have to hand deliver."
"I understand," she replied flatly, knowing what it was and hating having to take ownership of it.
She always hated it.
The young man held it out to her and she wondered if he knew what was inside.
Tucking the folder underneath one arm she took the box from him. "I assume I need to sign?"
In a flash a clipboard and a pen appeared, the sergeant eagerly holding it out to her so she could sign and he could leave.
Yeah, I'd want to get away from me to right now.
She scribbled her name and initials next to the contents, very vague, description before signing the whole thing off.
Signing a death warrant.
The pen had barely left the paper when the clipboard vanished again, back into the satchel it had magically appeared from the first time.
The sergeant gave her a hasty and she absentmindedly returned it, her mind already turning back to the contents of the folder. And now the content of the box.
She didn't see the young man leave, or the bewildered look he shot her over his shoulder when he was sure she wasn't looking. Not that she would have cared. She had more important things to worry about than the opinion of one young sergeant.
Balancing the box with one hand she grabbed the folder and placed it on-top of the box. Studying her little stack she grimaced and swallowed hard.
What a pair.
With her mind preoccupied, her feet carried her to the large, dark green tent where the briefing for Easy and her men was taking place. It was almost a miracle that she didn't get hit by a jeep or suffer a head-on collision with another soldier.
Jessica's mind kept time with her steps, flicking between the page she'd just read and the content of the box with head tap of her heel on the grey tarmac.
As soon as she'd recovered from their first stint in Holland she'd called in a few favours with the SOE and local Dutch Resistance. She knew Michael was still out there, and whether it was driven by a need for revenge or protecting Arlene, she had to know where he was. Just in case.
She'd always hoped the in case wouldn't come to pass. Not because she considered him especially dangerous, in her estimation he was average at best, but because of Arlene.
As far as she knew Arlene had never kept tabs on Michael's movements. Whenever Holland was mentioned her friend's face would tighten as if she were trying desperately to project the appearance of control, but Jessica noticed the tell-tale signs of fear in the debts of her emerald green eyes.
And that was what she feared most. That if Arlene was ever faced with Michael, the fear and trauma that lived just behind her eyes, would paralyze her. Or make her reckless beyond reason.
Just because he was in Holland doesn't mean he's still there. Or that we'll even meet. Stop being a melodramatic woman.
Even as she tried to reason with herself her anxiety built. She knew the odds of their paths crossing was slim to none. She also knew Murphy was a bitch.
She took a deep breath, feeling her stomach and chest stretch as the air pressed the nerves down for a moment. As the large tent where the briefing was being held drew closer she forced the air out of her lungs with a sharp exhale and steadied her features. She was already late, no need to look like a deer caught in the headlights as well.
With more confidence than she felt she stepped through one of the large gaps in the canvas, into the shadowy interior of the briefing tent.
Show time.
She'd received her first briefing the night she'd been pulled out of the pub. Since then she'd been given the same basic information three more times and repeated it nearly as much.
Operation Market Garden. The liberation of occupied Holland.
Each time it sounded simple enough. Each time she became less and less comfortable with the entire damn thing.
When something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Jessica was standing right at the back of the large tent. Most of Easy and her team were seated in rows which faced a small platform. The officers, including Alex, all stood on the right side of the platform. The centre was dominated by various maps, the largest one showing their immediate objective and drop zone, along with the invasion's code name.
Richard had just finished his part of the briefing as she stepped inside the tent. His speech never faltered but the movement caught his attention because his eyes shot to her and held hers for a moment before he nodded to Nixon to take over.
It was in the short silence which ran between Richard stopping and Nixon starting that she realised just how quiet the tent was. You could hear lighters snap closed as men lit cigarettes. Every so often someone would clear their throat and you could hear they were trying to be as discreet as possible, the tension amplifying each little disturbance.
Her eyes fell to the box and folder and she swallowed down the large lump blocking up her throat.
"The entire European advance has been put on hold to allocate resources for this operation," Nixon's voice boomed out, pulling her eyes away from her unwelcome cargo. "It's Montgomery's personal plan, we'll be under British command."
As expected the men groaned, some rolled their eyes and others shared a look of dismay.
Typical.
Nixon took a moment to allow the noise to die down, his deep brown eyes calmly watching the rows of soldiers.
Deciding they'd had enough time to come to grips with the fact that this wasn't an American operation he continued, "The good news is, if this works, his tanks will be over the Rhine and into Germany."
That's one hell of an 'if'.
Nixon allowed his lips to start forming the faintest of smiles as he said, "That could end the war and get us home by Christmas."
She resisted the urge to groan and roll her eyes. She'd done it the first time someone had made that exact statement. Based on the looks shot her way, her reaction wasn't welcome.
"It'll be a daytime jump, intelligence doesn't expect much opposition. They think the Krauts in Holland are mostly kids and old men. And we should take them by surprise."
Don't groan, don't swear. Just breathe Jessica. Just don't start swearing.
"In any case, say goodbye to England, I don't think they're gonna call this one off."
Her friend's gaze ran over the assembled men before finding her. Nixon knew all her reservations about the operation.
The intelligence wasn't as great as everyone was making it out to be, and you didn't have to be in the prime of your life to aim and shoot a gun. She felt like they were being sent in on the assumption that they've already won.
There had been times in her life when people had assumed they'd beaten her, that she had no way out but surrender or death. But here she was. She'd out lived and out fought them all. They'd assumed they'd won and in the end it was that arrogance that had cost them their lives.
Nixon's lips twitched and his brow furrowed a fraction. She gave a small nod.
They all had their orders.
He looked away from her, back to the mass of soldiers. "Study up. Make sure you know the operation off by heart." He waited a beat, she held her breath. "Dismissed."
The buzz of voices slowly built, alleviating some of the heavy tension in the air but doing little to help ease her own.
As she made her way to the platform, and the loose bundle of officers assembled on it, she spotted Arlene climbing onto it. She could see the tension in Arlene's shoulders and the rigidity in her back. Her face was showing a little more strain each day, as if something was slowly whittling away at her nerves, and even from where she was the dark circles under Arlene's eyes were obvious.
Jessica knew what the cause was, and it only increased the weight that was already pressing down on her insides, making her feel as if she was about to lose her breakfast.
"Hey Jess. Where were you?" John asked when she reached the edge of the platform.
Before she had to come up with an appropriate answer his eyes dropped to the box she was carrying and flicked over the words printed in ugly black letters on the side.
His boyish grin faltered as she stepped onto the platform. "Oh."
She tilted her slightly and smiled. "What? You thought they were going to forget our presents?"
He shook his head and gave a little shrug. "I was hoping it really was going to be as easy as they say."
A small piece of her heart broke and she gently gripped his arm. "It's standard protocol hun. We could be going for a stroll through Paris and we'd get these. Don't read into it. Okay?"
She hoped she sounded more reassuring that she felt, but wasn't sure until she felt his muscles relax.
John gave her a small smile. "Thanks Jess."
She winked and squeezed his arm before stepping past him so she could grab Alex.
Alex was standing with Nixon, Arlene, Richard, Harry and Lipton. His back was to her but after years spent crammed together in close quarters he sensed her approach. He glanced over his shoulder as he stepped to the right, creating a small gap for her between himself and Richard.
"So nice of you to join us," Nixon said, holding out his half-smoked cigarette to her.
She balanced the box and folder on one forearm and reached for the cigarette. "You know I like to make an entrance."
"Not one of your best ones Jess. If I'm being honest. It was a little dull," he replied.
Despite herself she smiled and she loved Nixon a little more for it.
"So, what kept you?" Alex asked.
She held up the box so he could read the side, knowing he wouldn't recognise the file that covered the top.
"Oh. That."
"I don't understand why everybody seems so surprised," she said.
Alex took the box from her. "Give it here. I'll have John hand it out to everyone. Have you taken yours yet?"
She grabbed the file and exhaled the warm smoke. "No. It arrived as I was coming here."
Not a complete lie. I'd just been stopped dead in my tracks minutes earlier by the live grenade I held so casually now.
"What is it?" Richard asked, eyeing the box before looking to her with concern written clearly all over his handsome features.
How does that make him look more attractive?
She was busy getting her mind back on track, and off of the way worry made his jaw set, when Alex said, "It's our L-pills. We each get issued with two before every new operation."
Richard, Harry and Lipton stared at Alex, clearly waiting for him to go on. Arlene sighed and Nixon scowled. "You're not going behind enemy lines," he said.
She shrugged. "Technically speaking we are. We're dropping deep into occupied Holland remember? Besides, for now our orders are to stick with Easy, that could change."
Her friend just stared at her, his new cigarette dangling from his lips.
"I hate it when you're logical," he finally said, the orange tip bouncing with each word.
She shrugged.
Richard shifted his weight so their sides were touching. It was a small gesture which meant the world to her. She could feel his tension, but being able to feel him seemed to sap some of hers.
"Would someone please explain what's going on?" he asked.
Jessica dropped the cigarette butt to the ground, pressing it down with the toe of her boot. "The L stands for lethal," she started, looking up to the group but refusing to meet Richards gaze. "We each get two capsules which are filled with a lethal dose of potassium cyanide. The poison is carried in a thin glass ampoule which in turn is covered with brown rubber so it doesn't accidently break. Or won't kill you if you accidently swallow it."
The Easy men stared at her, jaws slack and brows furrowed.
"I'm sorry, and how do you accidently swallow poison?" Nixon asked.
Pointing to her mouth Jessica answered, "Some agents prefer to hide a pill in the back of their mouth. Like a deadly false tooth."
Nixon deadpanned for a few second before shaking his head. "Jeez Jessica, what a way to bring the mood down after my motivating briefing."
Jessica rolled her eyes. "Oh yes, it just like attending a Broadway musical. So much joy. What with all the men trying to kill you."
"I said we'd take them by surprise."
"M'hm, you keep telling yourself that, and maybe you'll start to look like you believe it."
Nixon opened his mouth to reply when Richard held out a hand and interjected. "That's enough."
Nixon pouted and took our his cigarette pack. Slapping it a few times in the palm of his hand before taking out a cigarette and lighting it.
From the corner of her eye she saw Richard scowl at Nixon, but soon he turned his attention to her and Alex. "You really need those?"
She shrugged and Alex replied, "Hopefully not. But because of some of our work we know things which can't get into enemy hands. So rather safe than sorry as they say."
"Yeah," she added, "and it's better than the alternative."
"There you go again. Ray of sunshine," Nixon remarked.
She didn't reply. It was a hard truth she'd made peace with a long time ago, but she understood Nixon's reaction. It had been hers at the start.
"I'll make sure these get passed around," Alex said.
Jessica shot the box a dirty look, but gave a small nod. She really had a bad feeling about this, and the folder in her hand didn't do anything to change her mind.
Harry cleared his throat and pointed at the offending folder. "What you got there Jess? Some new intelligence?"
"Oh." She inadvertently glanced down at the folder and gave it a small wave about. "This?"
She looked back up to find six pairs of eyes staring at her. "It's nothing. I was following up on an old mission and you know how things go. Nothing ever arrives on time."
She relaxed her face and forced a smile, hoping it would discourage any more questions.
Nixon eyes her suspiciously but settled for finishing his cigarette with one long drag. Lipton smiled politely back at her and Harry shrugged, clearly already distracted. She could feel Alex's eyes on the paperwork, but he knew her well enough not to push the topic in front of everyone.
Richard cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. She desperately wanted to look up at him. To take his hand and allow him to ask her whatever was bothering him. But she couldn't and she hated it. So instead she lied and said, "I have some paperwork to catch up on."
Richard spoke before she could turn. "We should catch up later. Make sure we're on the same page regarding the jump and everyone's objectives."
It was a flimsy excuse and everyone knew it.
Well, maybe not Lipton.
But no one even blinked.
She smiled cordially. "That's sounds like a good idea. I'll come and find you a little bit later."
His lips twitched into the start of smile and he gave one brief nod.
Exiting the tent Jessica, kept her gaze fixed on the ground a foot in front of her. She walked briskly in the direction of the tent she shared with Arlene. She knew her friend would be a while still before she returned and Jessica wanted to study the content of the folder in more detail before then.
Her stomach already felt hollow at the thought of the conversation she needed to have with Arlene. And then the one she would need to have with Alex.
She groaned and rubbed her face, earning her a few sidelong glances from the soldiers she passed, not that she cared about them.
"Jessica," she heard her name, and recognised the voice, but she kept walking. Hoping that if she ignored it they'd go away. She really did not want to deal with this right now.
"Jessica," his voice was right behind her and she knew she could no longer pretend to not hear him. So she slowed her pace and he easily fell into step beside her. She didn't look over to him, but his shadow stood tall next to hers.
They walked in silence for a few feet before he slowed and said, "Captain King. Please can we talk?"
She resisted the urge to groan out loud again.
Jessica matched his slower pace and took a deep breath. "Fine, Lieutenant Speirs. We can talk."
From the corner of her eye she thought she saw him grimace. He'd reluctantly used her formal title; she'd used his as a defence mechanism.
Ron stopped and gestured to a space between two large stacks of crates. The temporary alley was no more than 10 feet wide and it was cast in a deep shadow.
"In private. Please."
She looked at him for the first time since he'd caught up with her. He was as tall and handsome as she remembered, and his jaw had that familiar hard line he always maintained, but his eyes were softer, almost pleading.
Fuck.
"Fine," she said, walking into the shadows.
She stood with her back almost against one wall, arms folded defensively over her chest, waiting for him to join her and start the conversation.
To Ron's credit he took the hint and placed himself as far away from her as the narrow space would allow. His dark brown eyes flicked to the folder in her arms, but in a moment they were back on her face, intently studying her.
She resisted the urge to shift her weight under his scrutiny.
He removed his cap and put his hands behind his back. She watched his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath. "Jessica," he paused, waiting for her to respond to his use of her name instead of her rank.
She nodded for him to continue.
He almost smiled, but stopped himself short. "I'm sorry."
With the exception of one slow blink she didn't respond in any way.
His Adam's apple bobbed once and he shifted his weight back and forth. "I know I should say more. God knows there aren't enough words in the English language to adequately express how badly I handled this. And not just that night, but all of it. Honestly, the only part I don't regret is running into you on the ship that very first night."
She took a deep breath and leaned back so she was partially leaning against the crates. Her arms were still folded over her chest, but she felt her shoulders relax and her head tilted slightly to one side.
Ron's body mirrored hers. It was a small shift, but she could see some tension leave his stiff posture, but he still held to his spot. "I shouldn't have waited for all those months. I was stubborn and, well, a hard-ass. And if I'm being completely honest, I was afraid."
One of her eyebrows arched up. Hard-ass and stubborn she'd use to describe him, many people have, but afraid was not a word she associated with him.
He glanced down and scratched the back of his neck. She waited for him to continue. Despite herself she found she really wanted to know his reason. To understand how things had ended up here. With the two of them facing off, both ready to bolt.
"You unsettle me Jessica," he practically whispered, and at first she wasn't certain she'd heard correctly, but then he looked up and his eyes met hers and she knew she had.
Here, standing between crates and in the shadows, on the cusp of another fight, for the first time since they'd met, he wasn't Ronald Speirs, the legend. He was Ron, the man. He was vulnerable and sincere and had dropped every guard he possessed.
Damn.
She sighed and dropped her arms to her side. "Ron, I…I don't understand."
His lips lifted into a lopsided grin. "Yeah, I know. Neither do I."
She huffed a small laugh. "Then what is this? Because if it's an apology for all of it. For Rose and the kiss and everything else. Fine, I accept. I have more important things to worry about and honestly trying to avoid you is taking up too much energy."
His brow furrowed and some disappointment clouded his face.
She almost felt bad for hurting his feelings. Almost.
She arched one eyebrow and waited. She had other places to be, but a part of her desperately wanted to hear everything he had to say.
He ran a hand through this brown hair and said, "It's partly an apology. Although I'll never apologise for kissing you. I'll just always regret that, that will be our first kiss."
"Excuse me? Our first? You're getting ahead of yourself Ron. I'm with Richard."
He pressed his lips together and gave a small nod. "For now."
She felt her spine start to stiffen again and her face harden. Ron must have realised his mistake because he held up both hands as if to stop her from marching away from him.
"I don't mean it like that Jessica. Well, not entirely."
She narrowed her eyes at him, but didn't make to leave. "How did you mean it then?"
His hands dropped back to his sides as he took a step closer to her. "I don't care about the fact that you're with Winters any more than I would if he were any other man. Right now I only care about making sure you know you have another option."
His footsteps hesitated and she held her breath.
Ron took another small step towards her, they were now only a foot apart at most. He lowered his voice, and looked down at her with those dark pools of eyes. "Me. And I'm going to make damn sure you know that every day, and that Winters does too. Because maybe he's a better man, but that doesn't necessarily make him the better choice."
"You're assuming I'm going to pick you."
He gave a small shake of his head. "No and I'll respect whatever decision you make, but it will be an informed one. I'm a lot of things, not all of them good, but I'm not a coward and I don't walk away from a fight."
"There is no fight Ron."
He smirked. "There will be. Only an idiot would let another man steal you away without a fight. And Richard Winters isn't an idiot."
She stared up at him, grounding herself into place so she didn't take the final small step to close any space left between them. His left hand twitched and his eyes narrowed a fraction. She could feel tension flowing between then and neither one gave an inch. Both waiting to see what the other person would do next.
One of Jessica's fingers twitched and rubbed against the rough cardboard cover of the folder she'd almost all but forgotten about.
That was enough to snap her out of the trance.
She started to turn, ready to leave. Ron didn't move to stop her even though she saw his arm closest to the exit tense. She paused and said, "Be careful. In Holland."
He smirked. "They said it's going to be an easy win."
She smiled, but it felt sad. "You don't believe that."
His smirk dropped and he put his cap back on. "No. Be careful."
She gave a small nod. She couldn't promise him she'd be safe. He knew that and she could see the weight that placed on him.
For a moment she allowed herself to study him, to commit to memory this moment when he wasn't putting on a show. When he was authentic and vulnerable and a better man that she'd thought he could be.
A large truck rumbled by and the moment was gone, so Jessica stepped out of the shadows and back into the sun.
Richard POV
Richard took deep breaths as he stood outside the briefing tent waiting for Nixon to finish his conversation with Harry. He allowed the warm air to fill his lungs completely, held it for four counts, and then slowly exhaled for another four. He did this over and over again until his stomach stopped churning and he could feel his usual calmness return.
A lifetime ago, before the jump into Normandy, he and Nixon had sat in the local pub. As always his friend had been a few drinks deep, not that he'd acted it. Nixon had built up an impressive alcohol tolerance level over the years. Nixon had told him stories about SS and Gestapo agents who had kept poison pills between their teeth so they could bite down on them if they were captured.
He hadn't thought much of it at the time. Clearly it infuriated those responsible for gathering intelligence, but it was so far removed from the war he waiting for him he'd forgotten it as soon as he'd left the stuffy bar that night.
And then Jessica had arrived late to their briefing, agitated and unfocused, casually carrying a wooden box in her arms as if it contained nothing more deadly than some overpriced chocolates. As soon as she'd started explaining what the real content was his stomach had dropped out from under him and had taken all his self-restraint not to grab it from her and throw it across the tent, putting as much distance between it and her as possible.
What had made it even worse was how casual they all were about it. This wasn't new to them. They'd all accepted it as a viable option a long time ago. Carrying around those pills was as normal to them as the sidearm they all strapped on.
He knew, if given the choice, Jessica would take the pill. She'd rather kill herself than be captured, tortured and eventually killed. And logically he understood that decision. But his heart refused to accept it.
So here he was. Standing outside, trying to calm himself down, so he didn't track Jessica down and demand she toss the pills. It wasn't a fight he was going to win, but God he wanted to try.
A firm hand slapped his back and a split second later Nixon appeared by his side, lit cigarette dangling between his lips.
Nixon removed the cigarette with one hand as he dropped his dark sunglasses over his eyes. "Can you believe it? Fuck."
"The pills?" he asked even though he was sure he knew the answer.
Nixon shot him a sideways glance. "What else Dick?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah."
"Yeah? That's it? Jeez."
"What do you want me to say Nix, hm? Because your approach in there went very well. I could really see it changing Jessica's mind."
Nixon tapped the cigarette between his fingers making what little ash was on the tip fall to the ground. He didn't lift the cigarette to his lips. Just kept tapping. "At least I reacted. You just stood there as the woman you apparently care about handed out poison like it's fricken candy."
He felt the heat start to rise in his chest and slowly spread to his face. He moved so he was facing Nixon and they were barely a foot apart. "Apparently? Be very careful what you say next Nix. You know damn well how I feel about her."
Nixon's fingers stopped tapping and for a few beat his friend just stared at him, mouth slightly agape.
"Did…did you just say damn?"
He was about to ask Nixon if he'd already started drinking when he realised his friend was right. He never swore. At least not out loud. And although most people wouldn't consider damn a swear word it was close enough to count.
He gave a slight shake of his head. "I guess I did."
"Well I'll be damned. I feel like I just saw a fucking unicorn."
He glowered at Nixon for a moment before taking his own sunglasses from his jacket pocket and putting them on.
"I take it all back. You obviously do care about her."
"It's not like I can do anything about it Nix. Not in front of everyone. Even alone you know she won't listen to me on this. They have to carry them. The reason makes logical sense."
Nixon took a drag from his cigarette and scowled at the stump that was left. Flicking it away he said, "Yeah, logic's all good and well when it doesn't mean someone you care about is carrying poison around with them with the intention of taking it if the shit hits the proverbial fan."
He just gave a little shrug. "Let's just hope none of them have to use it. That the higher-ups don't send them on another covert operation behind enemy lines."
"Oh yeah, the higher-ups are known for considering other people's feelings and wellbeing. Yip, that's why we jump out of planes."
He rolled his eyes, and even though he was wearing sunglasses, he could tell Nixon knew what he was doing based on his smirk.
Richard was just about to change the subject when Nixon beat him to it.
Nixon dropped his sunglasses down his nose and squinted at something over his shoulder. "What the hell?"
He half turned to see what had caught Nixon's attention just in time to see Speirs straightening out his uniform as he stared after Jessica's retreating form.
"Nix?" he asked, not sure what Nixon had seen, but not liking any part of it.
He kept his eyes on Speirs, the other man's eyes still staring after Jessica, as Nixon replied, "I saw Jessica come out from between those crates. Then Speirs."
His stomach dropped and his heart jumped into his throat.
Did he trust Jessica?
With his life.
Did he trust Speirs?
With my life but not a hell with my girl.
His initial shock was quickly replaced with frustration and jealousy when Speirs caught him staring, smiled and tilted his cap.
"Well that can't be good," Nixon said.
He'd only half-heard Nixon. His full attention was on the back of the man sauntering away from them.
"Hey," the tap to his shoulder drew his attention away from Speirs' back and to Nixon, "it's nothing. Jessica's with you."
"I know she's with me Nix. But I also know that wasn't nothing. Speirs doesn't indulge in small talk just for the sake of it. And we both know he's been after her since before Normandy."
Nixon took out a new cigarette and started to light it. "Yeah well, Jessica can make up her own mind. And she chose you."
He wanted to shrug it off. But he knew it was a fight with himself he wasn't going to win. He also knew Speirs was determined and he wasn't going to let Jessica go without a fight.
Well, that's a fight I will win.
"Yeah, she did. I'll just have to make sure Speirs knows that."
And that I give her every reason to keep choosing me.
"Yeah, and if that fails we are jumping into a war zone. Accidents happen all the time."
Richard couldn't stop the twitch to the corner of his lips. "Nix," he lamely objected.
Nixon smiled around his cigarette. "What? I'm just applying some lateral thinking."
"We're not killing Speirs."
Nixon threw up both hands and took a small step back. "Whoa! Who said anything about killing? I was thinking some light maiming. You know, make him look less pretty."
"You think Speirs is pretty?"
Nixon took a drag and as he exhaled he casually replied, "Well he ain't ugly. That's for sure."
Richard looked to the ground and shook his head. "Why are we friends?"
Nixon slapped his shoulder.
With the tip of the cigarette bouncing up and down as he spoke Nixon said, "Because I'm willing to play dirty even when you're not."
And all he could do in reply was shake his head some more and smile.
Arlene POV
She'd had every intention of finding Jessica as soon as their umpteenth briefing was done. But then John and Parker had asked her to speak to some of their replacements about the L-pill. The men knew they would be given the pills, but since it was their first time having to carry them with the intent of possibly using it, they were understandably nervous.
Then she ran into Bill and Luz, or her co-conspirators as she referred to them in her head. And they referred to themselves out loud. She always got the impression the two soldiers quite enjoyed the game of cloak and daggers they were playing. It had all the intrigue of covert work without any of death.
After a long, and at times confusing, chat about her and Joe the two men walked away, heads bowed together as they continued their secret discussion.
She'd just started walking back to her tent to find Jessica when Speirs cornered her. The tall man must have been waiting nearby, because he timed it so their paths met just as she turned a relatively quiet corner.
She stopped abruptly and pulled herself up to her full height. Speirs was a tall man, but for a woman she was above average height so she was almost able to meet him eye-to-eye.
"Can I have a word Lieutenant Green?"
She wanted to say no so badly, but proper etiquette had been drilled into her for years. So instead she scowled and said, "You may have a minute Speirs."
She thought she saw saw him flinch, but whatever it was he quickly regained his usual composure. "I'm know you're Jessica's closest friend. And I'm sure she's spoken to you about the night in Aldbourne."
"Captain King and I have had many conversations, and considering the time we spent in Aldbourne, quite a few were about evenings in there. So, considering your limited time I strongly suggest you cut the bullshit and say what you want."
This time he cleared his throat and rolled his shoulders. "Very well."
He paused for a beat too long. Arlene tilted her head to one side and said, "Well?"
Speirs almost scowled but stopped himself in time, instead rubbing the back of his neck for a second before he met her cool gaze and said, "I know I've made a lot of mistakes with Jessica. Trying to convince myself I didn't have any feelings for her by starting up a relationship with another woman was only one of them. Probably the worst one, but there were many."
He paused, waiting for her to respond in some way. She just arched one eyebrow.
He took a deep breath, his eyes momentarily flicking away from her before settling back onto her face. "I'm going to do whatever I can to make it right. I've spoken to her and made my intentions clear."
She felt herself frown.
When the hell did this happen?
"What exactly are those intentions?" she asked instead.
"To make sure she knows I'm an option. And that I want her to choose me. I'm not going to let her go to Winters without a fight."
She sighed and rolled her eyes.
"You don't think I'm serous?"
"Oh, no. I know you're serious."
"Then what?"
"Speirs, I'm going to be blunt because I have more important places to be right now. Okay?"
He held out his hands, palms facing up. "Please do."
"You cocked up in a major way. And now that we're about to jump into another fight you want to declare your undying love for her.
He started to object but she just continued speaking over whatever he was about to say. "I'm not going to tell you not to do anything. Because Jessica would kill me and honestly I'm more afraid of her than I'll ever be of you. Despite how hard you try. But just, your timing is really shit."
"I know. But what's the alternative? Wait until after Holland? Until she's fallen in love with Winters, or worse."
"Why are we even having this conversation Speirs? Nothing you just told me I wouldn't have heard from her."
"Because she values your opinion above anybody else's. And I wanted you to know that I realise I made mistakes. That I will be fighting for her. And when she makes her choice, I'll respect it. But I won't make it an easy one to make."
She huffed a laugh and gave her head a small shake. "If you in any way sabotage her relationship with Richard, I'll end you. You know that, right?"
He gave a single nod. "I have no doubt."
"Good. In that case. May the best man win."
Speirs' lips turned into the smallest of smiles as he stood aside so she could go on her way.
This just got a lot more interesting, she thought as she hurried back to her tent.
She was relieved when she finally spotted the tent she shared with Jessica, but not surprised. She was a woman on a mission and any man with half a brain would be able to tell from the look on her face and the way she strode across the tarmac that now was not the time for a casual, or even formal, chat.
Pushing the heavy tent flap aside she had to drop her head a little to get into the tent. Because she and Jessica were the only women involved in the jump, and Alex had insisted his unit remain together, the two of them shared a four person tent.
Once inside the roof was high enough that she could stand up straight, she just couldn't really lift her arms above her head. Their stretcher beds were set a few feet apart, their packs already assembled were stacked up against the furthest side of the tent, and their trunks were at the foot of theirs beds.
She'd hoped to find Jessica here and when her eyes had adjusted to the slight gloom, she was relieved to see her friend sitting on the side of her bed. Her elbows were resting on her knees and her head was bent. Jessica didn't look up when she entered, her complete focus was on the open folder she held in her hands.
Arlene hesitated. She knew something was wrong. You could practically feel the unease in the air and it made her swallow involuntarily.
She sat down on her own bed, facing her friend, her back straight and hands loosely lying in her lap.
After waiting for what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only a few seconds, she ventured, "Jess?"
Her friend slowly lifted her gaze, as if the action of moving her head was an immense effort. She closed the folder, but one finger remained slotted in-between the pages.
Jessica didn't say anything, her blue eyes just stared at her. Arlene couldn't get a read on the emotions which played out in their depths. Sadness, regret, fear, anger. They all seemed to bleed together, one following on the other.
She clasped her hands tightly and could feel her breathing become shallower.
"Is it me and Joe?" she asked, finally breaking the silence.
Jessica gave a small shake of her head. "No." Her voice sounded heavy, exhausted.
Any relief she felt quickly evaporated. She watched as Jessica's eyes darted to the folder and then back to her.
"Ron?"
Her friend's forehead creased and her eyes narrowed. "What?"
"I ran into him on the way here. Or, he cornered me. Not sure which one. He told me you two spoke. That he said he was going to fight for your affections."
Jessica's face relaxed and she sighed. "No, that's…that's not as important."
She took a deep breath and steeled herself to ask the obvious question. Jessica wasn't one to hesitate. Her friend didn't drag moments out.
Oh God.
"Jessica, what's wrong?"
Those eyes kept watching her, studying her, and it's only because they'd known each other for years that she didn't shift her weight in discomfort.
With a deep sigh Jessica finally spoke. "I'm going to ask you a question as a friend. And I need you to be very honest with me."
She nodded.
"Why didn't you ever follow up on Michael's movements? We have the resources and the contacts. I did, but you didn't."
Arlene blinked and shook her head a little. That was not what she'd expected. Her eyes flicked to the folder in Jessica's hand and her stomach dropped.
"Ummm…" her voice croaked. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I didn't want to know where he was. What happened was in the past. I wanted to move on."
Jessica nodded. "Hm. But you haven't really moved on. We're still at war, you haven't really faced everything that happened that night because there's been no time to just…break. Fall apart. And that's what I would have expected. But you just kept soldiering on."
"Like I said. I moved on."
Jessica tiled her head to one side.
"I told Joe," she blurted out as if this would be proof enough that she'd processed what had happened and moved on.
Jessica's shoulders sagged a fraction. "All of it?"
She opened her mouth to reply, the first word already on her lips and indignation starting to warm her veins. But then that heat turned to ice and her reply died on her lips. She slumped forward and ran a hand over her face.
She could have tried to lie to Jessica and herself. Neither one would have believed her.
"No," she mumbled. She straightened out so she could meet her friends worried gaze. "I told him almost all of it. There was just the one part I left out."
"You screamed at me not to shoot him. I had a clear shot and he was dragging you away."
The words were said with so little emotion you would have thought Jessica was reading from a briefing.
"But you did shoot him," she managed to whisper in reply.
"I got him in the arm. I should have killed him. I could have."
Despite her better judgement she asked a question she'd never had the courage to before. "Why didn't you?"
Jessica's fingers fidgeted with the edges of the folder. She held her breath and waited, dreading to hear what she already knew but had never admitted to herself.
"Because, you would never have forgiven me."
The words landed like a punch to the gut. Arlene wanted to deny it, scream that Jessica was wrong. How could she be mad at her best friend for killing the man that was trying to have them kidnapped, tortured and eventually killed. How could she hate her friend for killing someone who had betrayed their trust to such a vile extent.
God she wanted to shout. But it came out as a gasp for air.
She dropped her head, resting her forehead in her hands.
Guilt, anger and shame all threatened to overwhelm her.
They'd spoken about that night and Michael maybe a hundred times before. She'd gotten used to mentioning him in casual conversations with those closest to her.
But this part. This one detail she'd convinced herself was an invention of her mind.
She was wrong.
The two friends sat in silence for a long time. She was aware of Jessica's deep, even breathing. She focused on trying to match her ragged breaths to Jessica's. For minutes her world consisted of nothing more than taking in one breath, holding it, exhaling and then starting again.
Slowly her head stopped spinning and the flood of emotions subsided enough that she felt able to sit up straight without passing out or throwing-up.
"You're not going to tell me I'm wrong?" Jessica almost sounded disappointed, and it broke her heart a little more.
She shook her head. "I want to. But I'd be lying to the both of us. Now I wish you'd killed him. God, I wish I'd killed him, or better yet never met him. But back then. God…"
She trailed off. Jessica's face softened as pity transformed her features.
It just made her feel worse.
"Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Don't feel sorry for me. I nearly got you killed. I nearly got us all killed."
I did get someone killed, she added in her head and she could see Jessica doing the same.
Jessica took a deep breath and pushed the air out of her lungs with a loud whoosh. "I don't feel sorry for you Arlene. I'm worried about you. All of it is too much guilt for one person to carry around."
She scoffed and threw her hands in the air. "How are you this okay with everything? Why aren't you mad? Why have you never been mad at me?"
Jessica rolled the file into a cylinder and tightened her grip around it until her knuckles turned white, but her voice held steady as she replied, "You think I wasn't mad? I was furious and a part of me blamed you for all of it. I'd told you I didn't like him and what did you do? Ignored me, said I was jealous because you had someone and I didn't. Do you remember that?"
Her voice caught in her throat but she managed a weak, "Yes."
"I resented you for months Arlene. And I hated myself for it, which made me only resent you more. God, I was shot and nearly bled out."
"I know Jess. I know."
Jessica's eyes had turned glacial, she'd seen it happen but had never been on the receiving end. She forced herself to hold her friend's gaze. She had to convince both of them she was okay. Or at least strong enough to push through whatever was coming.
She swallowed and waited, feeling her pulse hammering against her skin.
Slowly Jessica's eyes melted and she saw as the tension seep from her friend's body. Her own heart rate slowed, but a dull pain remained behind her eyes.
"Why didn't you keep tabs on his movements all these years?" Jessica circled back to the question that had started it all.
"Because it was easier not knowing. Then I wouldn't have to do anything about it. It could all remain in the past."
Jessica nodded and slowly her iron grip on the rolled up folder relaxed. "I need to ask you another question. As your Captain."
She nodded, the lump in her throat nearly choking her.
"If you're paths were to cross again, would you be able to do your duty? Even if that meant killing him? Or walking away?"
She frowned, eyes flicking to the scrunched up folder. "Yes."
Jessica studied her intently before saying, "I stopped blaming you a long time ago Arlene. I love you, I would go to the ends of the earth for you. You need to find a way to move past your guilt and shame. Because I can't have you freezing again. I can't endanger you or the rest of the team like that. Or Easy."
She swallowed down the lump and nodded. "I'll be able to do what's needed Jessica. You can trust me."
She meant every word. She just hoped they were true.
Jessica stood but she remained seated. She was barely in control of her own breathing and voice, she wasn't going to risk standing.
Her friend crossed the small distance between their beds and held out the folder to her. It's cover was marked with bold letters which read CONFIDENTIAL. It carried no other identifying markers which she knew meant it was most likely from the SOE.
She slowly reached for it. Her fingers hesitantly grasped the soft brown cardboard cover, but she didn't try to take the folder and Jessica didn't let go.
"This came this morning. It's why I was late to the briefing. Maybe nothing comes of it. Hopefully nothing comes of it."
Jessica stopped speaking and she looked away from the folder to the woman standing over her.
"But," she said.
"But," Jessica continued, "two days ago Michael was spotted in Holland. A day later the local resistance confirmed he's in-charge of an SS unit tasked with finding, interrogating and executing members of the Dutch resistance. In there is everything they know, which isn't much, but there are photos of him and a summary of what he's been doing."
Arlene's eyes fell back to the folder in fingers.
"There's also a photo of the two of you in the file with a short description of the official report of our time in Holland."
She felt herself smirk. They'd all left a lot out of that official report.
"Yeah, as far as the official report goes. You were nothing more than close friends."
"They know that's not true."
She felt Jessica shrug by the movement of the folder. "There's a big difference between what you know and what you can prove."
She nodded but didn't look up. Her fingers strengthen their grip on the folder. It felt heavier than it looked.
"Read through it. Prepare yourself for the worst. There's a good chance we'll never see him. He may already have left Holland. But just in case. You should be ready."
Jessica released her grip on the folder and she took it with both hands. Feeling the weight of it settle over her.
"I'll leave you alone for few hours."
She gave a small nod.
She followed the sound of Jessica's footsteps until they paused at the exit of the tent. "I have to tell Alex Michael's in Holland. He'll keep it between us."
The tent flap rustled and sunlight streamed in behind her.
"Jessica," she said and she heard her friend pause. Without looking over her shoulder she continued, "I'll do what's needed."
For a moment there was a perfect silence, the late afternoon sun warming her back and her friend's breathing steadying her own. Then the flap dropped down and the sunlight disappeared with it.
Then it was just her and her past.
Richard POV
Richard, Nixon, Harry and Buck were sitting in the officer's mess. They'd finished their early dinner and although they all had preparations to make and paperwork to complete they'd fallen into an easy conversation each man was loath to leave.
Richard especially appreciated the distraction his friends' company provided him. His mind kept trying to replay and analyse the last few hours. Seeing the strain in Jessica's face when she'd entered the briefing late, the way her shoulders had remained stiff and her smile, the little there was, never reached her eyes. And then off course there was her encounter with Speirs. The other man had never made a secret of the fact that he was interested in Jessica. And Speirs' best qualities as a soldier was his persistence and fearlessness. The thought of those very traits being applied to his pursuit of Jessica made a red hot jealousy slowly start in his stomach.
He'd just started to drift away from the conversation as the fifth or sixth iteration of Jessica and Speirs' conversation started to role play in his brain when a sharp kick to the his shin brought him crashing back to the table.
He reached down to rub his bruised shin and said through gritted teeth, "Nix, explain."
Nixon's eyes flashed over his right shoulder to the entrance of the makeshift mess hall and his chin jutted in the same direction.
All his annoyance evaporated in an instance.
Jessica.
Trying to move as slowly and casually as he could manage he swing his long legs over the bench as he put his cap back on his head.
"I have paperwork to do."
Harry lifted a flask in his direction. "Good luck boss."
He raised one eyebrow at the smaller man, wondering how much was left in that flask.
As if reading his mind the other soldier smiled cheekily up at him before taking another big swig.
He rolled his eyes as he stood. He'd have to address it with Harry if it became a problem in the field. For now though his friend wasn't doing anything more than most of the other officers, and he had a more important place to be.
Unsurprisingly Jessica wasn't standing in the entrance waiting for him. It would have been too obvious and more importantly it wasn't her style.
He made quick work of reaching the entrance of the large tent. Exiting into the soft light of early dusk he paused, his head turning left and then right as he searched for Jessica.
Richard spotted her ten feet or so to the left. Her face was turned up to the little remaining sunlight, and the golden rays caught the stray strands of blonde hair that had escaped from her cap. Her arms were loosely crossed over her chest, and even though her face was smooth and relaxed, he could still see the tension in her posture.
He ignored the twisting feeling in his stomach as he made his way over to her. He kept telling himself that she came to find him, which was good sign.
Or a really bad one, the little devil on his shoulder remarked.
He scowled at himself, but relaxed his face just as he reached her.
She dropped her head and turned to look at him and he was struck by the weariness in her eyes.
"Jessica, what's wrong?" he asked.
God he wanted to reach for her. Take her in his arms or simply brush his fingers along her cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind one ear.
But he didn't. Instead he shoved his hands inside his pockets to keep them from doing what he so desperately wanted to.
The one corner of Jessica's lips twitched into the start of a smirk. "You're the second person to ask me that question today."
He sighed and cursed the fact that they were on a military base, surrounded by soldiers and rules. "So, how can I help?"
Her lips relaxed into the beginning of a genuine, if tired, smile. "Walk with me?"
He nodded.
The officers' mess was set close to the boundary fence of the airfield. Jessica turned in the direction of the the tall fence that encircled most of the make-shift staging area. He fell into step beside her and they walked in silence until they hit the fence and turned right so they could slowly walk along the perimeter.
MP's patrolled the perimeter intermittently, and he knew they'd cross a few guards, but no-one was going to stop or question two Captains. Most would try their best to avoid eye-contact all together.
As much as waiting ate away at his nerves, he forced himself to remain quiet, waiting for Jessica to start the conversation.
For her part Jessica kept her eyes trained on the way ahead when she finally spoke. "Did I ever tell you we've worked in Holland before?"
His head jerked to look at her and he felt himself frown. The question and the entire topic had caught him off-guard so he barely managed to say, "Um, no," as he recalibrated his mind.
Jessica didn't seem to notice the surprise in his voice, and she never turned to look over to him. She just gave a small nod and said, "A few years ago Arlene and I were seconded out to work with the British SOE, who in turn were sending agents to work with Dutch Resistance."
The initial surprise at the unexpected topic of conversation having worn off he looked away from her and fixed his eyes on the tarmac a few feet ahead of them. "Okay."
"We were infiltrated by a German SS operative. Michael."
Jessica fell quiet as two MP's passed them. One man kept his eyes trained on some invisible object to his right while the other glanced over to them, nodded and gave a casual salute.
They both automatically returned the salute and a second later the MP's were behind them.
Jessica waited a few more beats, obviously making sure the MP's were out of earshot before she continued. "During our time there, and long before we knew who he really was, Arlene and Michael had started up a relationship. As far as we were concerned he was a German who had joined the Dutch Resistance a few months before our arrival."
Even though he knew she wasn't looking at him he nodded and hummed, encouraging her to go on.
Richard heard Jessica take a deep, long breath and pushing the air our through her nose. "I never liked him. Not because I had any idea what he really was, I just thought he was an ass. Self-righteous and annoying."
When she didn't continue he glanced over to her. She was fidgeting with her fingers, eyebrows knitted together.
The silence stretched on. She didn't meet his eyes, hers were focused on her hands and his never left her face. They passed two more MP's and a sentry. Every brief encounter was concluded with a half-hearted salute on their part.
They'd left the sentry behind them and he'd hoped she would continue her story, but when the silence continued to stretch and her frown deepened even more, he gently touched her elbow. "Jessica?"
"I -," she started, her voice cracking. She coughed and he put his hand back into his pocket.
One, two, three, he counted their steps until she spoke again, keeping himself occupied so he didn't blurt out all the questions he had in one go.
From the corner of his eye he saw Jessica shake her head as if to clear it. Standing up straighter than she had since they'd started walking she started again, "I didn't see it coming either. Arlene always blames herself, God I blamed her for a while, but I didn't see it coming either."
"See what coming?" he asked.
"We had to run and Michael said he could get us out of the country. Arlene, the two SOE agents and I. But it was trap. One of the women was captured. She didn't have an L-pill on her. The official report says she died in enemy captivity." She looked over to him and her blue eyes seemed grey. "Unofficially that means she died slowly and painfully."
Richard swallowed the lump in his throat as he gave a small nod.
Jessica turned to look forward again. "Michael very nearly got Arlene, but the three of us managed to get away. But…but we had to leave her behind."
Her shoulder slumped forward and she shook her head. He could see the weight settle back down onto her small frame.
Every fibre of his being screamed to reach out to her, but he knew he couldn't and she knew he couldn't. So instead he dug his nails into the palms of his hands until the pain that radiated up his arms draw his attention away from his need to touch her.
"I was shot. Some SS or Gestapo bastard got me just beneath the right shoulder."
She spoke the words to calmly it took his brain a few seconds to actually register what she'd said. When he finally got over the shock the first words out of his mouth were, "What?", as if he hadn't heard her.
Jessica rolled her right shoulder back, it was a small move he'd seen her do a dozen times before. He'd never given it much thought before, but now he understood.
"I was shot," she repeated herself, more fairly this time. "It wouldn't have been too bad. But by the time we were able to stop I'd lost so much blood it was pretty touch-and-go for a while."
Richard was certain he was going to be sick. He was also certain that he'd never wanted to inflict physical harm on someone more than he did to this German.
"But you made it."
She nodded. "But we made it."
"And your and Arlene's friendship made it."
"It did."
"But you blamed her."
She gave a small nod as she ran a hand over her face. "She never knew. Not until today. I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. And having to run from one fight to the next really helps. By the time we'd stopped fighting I was over it."
Jessica looked over to him and she looked years older. "I didn't see it coming either. And he meant nothing to me. How could I blame her?"
He didn't know what to say. He'd never been in that position and he hoped he never was. He could imagine the guilt Arlene carried with her and he now understood why the other woman had seemed so distracted the last few days.
"I'm really sorry that happened Jessica."
"Yeah, me to."
"And now we're going back to Holland."
Jessica grimaced. "And Michael's there. Or at least he was until recently."
Maybe I'll get my chance to beat him to death.
He pushed the vividly violent thought aside and put all his focus back on the tarmac just ahead of his feet. "So he may be gone already. Or you could never cross paths."
"Or we could."
He sighed. "Yeah, or you could."
Then it dawned on him. "That's what was in the folder?"
"Yes, I'd kept tabs on him all these years. I have a few people that owe me a lot of favours so it wasn't too difficult. I told Arlene, gave her the file, then went to tell Alex and John. None of the other men need to know."
She looked over to him and her finger tips softly touched his forearm. "And then I came to tell you."
He turned his face so he could look at her. "Does Nixon know?"
She shook her head and her arm fell back to her side. His arm felt cold where her feather light touch had been a moment before.
"I won't tell him," he said.
She gave him the faintest of smiles. "I know."
She turned away from him again "It's getting dark," she said.
"It is."
It was a factual statement, something to say when everything else was just too complicated and intense. When you simply needed some respite.
He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to keep the words inside his mouth.
He knew now wasn't the time to bring it up. He was certain nothing good could come from it. But he also knew that it would eat away at him if he didn't ask and he somehow he didn't think Jessica was going to bring it up by herself.
So with a deep breath and a quick glance to the heavens he said, "I saw you and Speirs."
Her head snapped over to him and her eyes widened.
"Today," he quickly added before he could really register her reaction.
Her face relaxed and he wasn't sure if it was relief or exhaustion he saw.
"It's –," she started to say when he added, "nothing?"
Jessica stopped and crossed her arms over her chest.
He clenched his jaw and willed his stomach to settle down.
"No," she finally said, or whispered really, "it's not nothing."
He cleared his throat and swallowed heavily. "Oh? Then what is it?"
She took a deep breath before answering, "In Aldbourne, after France, we had a falling out. He apologised today. And then he said he was going to fight for me. Or, make sure I knew he was an option for me to choose. Something like that."
Great, now I have two people to inflict actual bodily harm on. Damnit.
"Just after France?"
She frowned. "Before we became an item."
"Hm. So, are we only an item because you had a falling out?"
The words were out before he could think. His temper, usually so well controlled, had gotten the better of him at one of the worst moments.
Jessica abruptly stopped and turned to face him, a single eyebrow arched. "That's it? That's what you're going to focus on? Not the fighting for me part? Really?"
He struggled to find the right words so he said used the wrong ones instead. "Well, it's the first I'm hearing of it and I need to know if we're only together because you two had a fight."
The moment he said it he regretted it. For a second her entire face fell, emotional exhaustion draining any and all strength from her features, and then, just as quickly everything sharpened.
Even in the near darkness he could see her quickly scanning the area around them before she took a step towards him. Cool blue eyes stared at at him through long lashes.
If she'd looked less livid and if his brain wasn't scrambling to find a way to undo the last minute he would have been tempted to kiss her and the consequences be damned.
Through gritted teeth so she didn't shout she said, "I came to you to share something deeply personal and painful because I trust you. I did not have to tell you about Holland or anything that happened there. I chose to. Do you see me talking to Speirs?"
Despite knowing better he retorted, "Well I wouldn't know now would I? Since you never told me about your falling out in the first place. And you probably weren't going to tell me about your talk today if I hadn't asked."
He saw her fist ball and he was certain she was going to punch him. He braced himself for the blow, his own indignation and jealously now well and truly having taken over his better senses.
Her eyes narrowed but he held her gaze without flinching. Her jaw worked and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest and anger heating his cheeks.
Suddenly she took a step back and shoved her hands into her pockets. Her face smoothed out, but her eye remained sharp. "I didn't tell you about that night because it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And I would have told you about today eventually, but for right now, I have more important things to worry about that men and their delicate feelings."
"Jessica," he started, taking a step towards her.
She easily stepped to the side, moving out of his way and just out of his grasp. With the coolest professionalism he'd ever seen her muster she said, "Good night Captain Winters. When your better judgement has returned, do come and find me. Until that time I strongly suggest staying the hell away from me. Before I change my mind. Hm?"
His mouth started to form a reply and his hand moved to stop her, but she marched past him before he even had time to really register what had happened.
He stood there, in the dark, one arm lamely hanging in the air, long after the sound of her footfalls had faded away. His mind kept replaying the last minutes of their conversation over and over again as if to torture him.
His anger kept building and building and pretty soon it turned inwards and he let out a low groan as he pulled his cap from his head and wrung the fabric in his hands.
What the hell were you thinking Richard. Damnit man. You don't have to help Speirs.
And there it was.
The violent grip on his cap relaxed and he felt his shoulders slump forward as his anger started to wane.
Insecurity you asshole.
In the back of his mind he wondered what his friends would say if they knew how he spoke inside his head. They'd all probably stare at him like he'd lost him mind. Which wouldn't be out of place since he felt that way, standing alone in the dark, swearing at another man as if he'd made him say all those idiotic things.
Damnit.
Joe POV
"Michael's in Holland."
Arlene's words dumped a bucket of ice on his good mood. He'd been playing poker with Malarkey, Penkala and Muck, and winning, when Luz had signalled that Arlene needed to see him.
Just after Luz and Bill had found out about them they'd decided on a series of subtle signals the other two men could use to let him or Arlene know the other one needed to speak to them. It wasn't anything complicated. A specific word, or in this case a tap to the nose followed by some pretty intense eye contact, did the trick.
He'd quickly folded his hand, even though he was sure he was going to win another game, took his winning and existed the tent he shared with about forty other men.
Luz had directed him to a dark corner between some parked trucks and even though he couldn't see his friend anymore he knew he'd been close enough to make sure no one came their way.
It would have all been very exciting if Luz hadn't looked so damn stressed. Which considering how jovial the man always was, was saying something.
Now, standing in the dark with Arlene all he could manage to say was, "You sure?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Jessica had people keep track of him. She received the official report today."
"Jesus."
"I know."
He could hear the weariness in her words and see it in the way her shoulders slumped as if they carried the weight of the world on them.
No wonder Luz had looked like he'd just been told someone had killed his dog.
Joe closed the small space between them and wrapped her slender frame in his arms. For a moment her body remained stiff against his, but then slowly he felt her muscles mould themselves to his and her arms gripped his torso as if she were holding on for dear life.
Arlene buried her face into the nape of his neck and he pressed his chin against the top of her head. With each breath he inhaled her and with each exhale he felt her relax more and more.
"What will you do if you see him?" he asked.
She tightened her grip on him as he heard her muffled reply, "You're not going to tell me the chances of us coming across him are slim to none so I shouldn't worry about it?"
Joe pressed a kiss onto the top of her head and hoped his voice would remain steady despite the sickening feelings in his stomach.
"Do you believe that?" he asked even though he already knew the answer.
He felt her shake her head. "No."
"Exactly."
"I'm sorry Joe."
He took a gentle hold of her shoulders and pushed her away from him so he could look at her. "This ain't your fault."
She gave a half-hearted nod.
"It's not Arlene."
"But it is Joe. God, it's all my fault and it's such a damn mess."
"He'd lied to you. And yes, it all went to hell after that, but none of that's your fault. And for now, nothing's happened yet. So nothing can be your fault."
A little frown creased her forehead and the corners of her eyes. "People don't give you enough credit for how wise you are."
He smirked. "I hide it well. Otherwise they'd bug me all the time with their problems."
This coaxed a small smile from her which turned his smirk into a smile of his own.
"See, it ain't that bad."
Arlene took a deep breath and pressed her palms into his chest. "I'll do whatever I have to. Kill him, run. Whatever I have to."
"I know."
She searched his face and he hoped she found what she was looking for there and that she didn't see what he was really feeling.
Helpless, angry, frightened.
Murderous and unsure.
He couldn't let her see any of that, so he pulled her closer again and she allowed him to, folding her arms in so her hands were trapped between them.
God, she feels small.
"Jessica blamed me," she whispered.
He lifted his head so he could look down at her.
Her eyes flicked up to meet his and they were filled with a sad resignation. "She admitted it today."
A long time ago he'd promised her he'd never lie to her. He now hated himself for making that promise because he knew she could read his reply in his eyes.
That's normal considering.
"Yeah," she sighed and dropped her head, pressing her cheek into his shoulder.
"But she doesn't blame you anymore, right?"
"No, she doesn't. Fuck, knowing her she probably blames herself a little."
"What?"
Arlene's shoulders moved up and down as she shrugged. "It's how she is. She was in-charge so it's all her fault. That's how she sees it."
"She said that?"
Arlene shook her head. "I just know."
Joe made small circles on her back with one hand and he cupped the back of her head with the other.
He was pretty sure Arlene could deal with Michael if she had to. She'd kill the son of a bitch if it came down to it, but knowing she'd hurt Jessica would be eating her up inside.
"You two have never spoken about it before?"
He was certain the two women shared everything, so surely this had to have come up before.
"About that that night? Sure, lots of times. About the real damage it caused? No. It was easier to just move on and keep fighting."
"I get that."
"And Jessica is a master at shoving her feelings down deep and going on as if nothing has happened. She has nearly a lifetime of experience. If you don't know what to look for she'll hide her feelings so well you'd never be any the wiser."
"But you know what to look for."
Arlene sighed and her body slumped a little against his. "I do, but I suppose I didn't want to see it. And she let go of it all long before I had the courage to really look."
He pressed her closer to him, trying to absorb as much of her pain as possible and give her all his strength.
He loved Arlene more than he thought he could ever love any woman. He knew she loved him deeply, the fact that she had come to him for comfort told him that. She was strong and proud and he knew she was only here because she trusted and needed him. But Jessica was her first and greatest love. And knowing you damaged that, even if the damage was short lived, would be killing her.
XXXXX
Hello beautiful people! I hope everyone had a great week and a lovely weekend.
So this chapter is, hopefully, action packed even though not a single shot was fired. Gosh...I do love me some drama! hahaha...
Thank you for reading the chapter and coming back to the story! I really do appreciate it!