Hello all, I am writing a new chapter for everyone. it's like six AM but that's when I write the best stuff. I think so at least.
Coma.
A word that meant to little to Maggie until this day. it came to her like a blur. The dichotomy was destructive and yet...She could only describe it as enlightening. She saw her sister growing up. She saw her playing tag in the back yard. She remembers coming home crying when she was beaten up.
Oh how Maggie remembered how she seethed. She found the shitbag that caused the ordeal. He led a group of middle school bullies and Ashley was smart and weak. What was she to do. She remembered her going to her room to do her homework. Maggie was struck with incredulous thought. Why would she work so diligently when she got good grades. Than she snuck in her room and found the copies. She remembered the fight. How good it felt to win. How bad it felt to see the look of disappointment in her parent's for fighting. The plea to remain silent in her sister, it sucked knowing those snakes had already sunk their fangs on the nape of her neck. She remembered feeling so small...
Small...
How that could never compare to her listening to music on her headphones. She remembered her sister loved Death cab and she never understood it. She spoke of it's subtle beauty and trying to distract herself gave her time to think so she typed into her phone Death cab and a song that popped up played it was called I'll follow you into the dark. She couldn't finish it. Before it never connected. Now it felt she was stabbed by a knife. Her best friend reduced to...to this. she felt small.
She remembered the day she came home from the school. After getting grounded she blamed herself and felt if she had been just one minute sooner. It was her fault it had to be. She wept. She cried and dreamed. What could have been if she let it continue. Like a savior her sister barged in and apologized and said she told her parent's why the fight broke. Maggie remembered the hug and the heavy breathed promise "I will never let people use and abuse you like this. If they want to get to you. They'll have to go through me. I swear it Everything is gonna be alright."
Yet when push came to shame it happened again. She let her sister fall victim to this pain again and now she might lose her. She thought this as her arms and she slumped again. She felt at fault. She felt worthless.
She remembered the call. Lynn called her and than Luan. She cryed so much. She needed to breathe. She ran for air. She called her parent's to drive to her the hospital. She entertained her self on the phone as guilt dripped through. It was a spark. The fire was soon to spread. She called every relative in the immediate area. The waiting room was colorful and Maggie thought that she would just wait and it would work itself out. She would wake up. She'd be fine. They could hang with Lynn. Like old times….Oh how wrong she was in that moment. She felt it strange for her to be in there for so long. Even stranger when her mother...Than her father was pulled away. They must be giving a release. That's what she told herself. When they sat beside her instead of giving her space she knew something was wrong. When she saw their eyes and saw the same look. We all would trade and than I knew.
Everything would be all right; those were the word's of a fairytale.
Small because she was not there.
Small because she lied to her sister. Something bad did happen
Small Because it Should have been her.
Nothing would convince her otherwise. She felt guilt wash over her as she thought her sister wouldn't want this. For her to feel this self-hate. She would have said that she was a wonderful sister but watching her sister she felt powerless. When the nurse walked in the door she nearly jumped and she all but yelled "Is she getting better. When will she wake up".
Than she heard the word that would signal the stormcloud that would invade her life.
Coma.
She was crying before but now the floodgates opened as she put her arms over her eyes as she screamed "It should have been me, damn it take me. Fucking trade me. Someone, someone p-please. I can't lose her...I need her".
Only than on that very day did she understand what it felt to be powerless and alone. No matter who accompanied her. To be truly and completely...
Alone.
I know this chapter was dark. that was a creative reflection of me a couple of years ago. I watched my father slowly die over the course of twenty hours. I felt so alone. I ran to the bathroom to cry all the while blaming myself. I should have made him quit smoking. I couldn't. I was pathetic. I still struggle with depression. On that night I thought things I dare not repeat. This is partially how I felt with my family trying to make me feel better. My bro told me dirty jokes but it did not help. It hurt even more two weeks later when my grandfather died. I never got to come out as bisexual. My father always knew and made feel welcome and it hurt's to this day I will never get to share this piece of myself. If this chapter felt bleak and helpless. So did I watching my joyful father become a stuttering mess only capable of grunt's and squeamish groans of pain. He sounded so drunk. God it hurt so bad. I am so sorry for texting all this. You don't deserve my dirty laundry. I just wanted to get my feelings out since my dad's death was 2 years ago last week. My grandfather's 2 years ago last month.
I know this chapter was dark. that was a creative reflection of me a couple of years ago. I watched my father slowly die over the course of twenty hours. I felt so alone. I ran to the bathroom to cry all the while blaming myself. I should have made him quit smoking. I couldn't. I was pathetic. I still struggle with depression. On that night I thought things I dare not repeat. This is partially how I felt with my family trying to make me feel better. My bro told me dirty jokes but it did not help. It hurt even more two weeks later when my grandfather died. I never got to come out as bisexual. My father always knew and made feel welcome and it hurt's to this day I will never get to share this piece of myself. If this chapter felt bleak and helpless. So did I watching my joyful father become a stuttering mess only capable of grunt's and squeamish groans of pain. He sounded so drunk. God it hurt so bad. I am so sorry for texting all this. You don't deserve my dirty laundry. I just wanted to get my feelings out since my dad's death was 2 years ago last week. My grandfather's 2 years ago last month.