Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, the Mario franchise, the Bowsette concept or any other videogames referenced herein.
Betaed by: Zim'smostloyalservant
Chapter 4
The Weekend!
During Which Stuff Happens!
After resolving the wind incident, Lamek had gathered all the Bosses in the ship's conference room. Once everyone had their coffee and donuts, they were ready to listen to him.
"Alright everyone, Her Majesty is occupied for the weekend and will be staying in the city. While the troops will be held in reserve, we Bosses shall explore further ways to undermine this land for the Queen of our Troop. I myself will be seeking to infiltrate the Municipal Guild of Ancient Wizards, the largest magic guild outside the royal government here. Understanding the magic practiced here, perhaps how their hat magic works, could prove invaluable. And the rest of you, what have you planned?" he asked the others.
"I'm going to the beach. The strongest gather there to get pumped. I will see if any are worthy, for I am Shell!" Shell declared.
"…I suppose that is acceptable," Lamek sighed.
"We are heading into the city," Anger announced. Rage was out of her shell for once, sitting next to her twin, and nodded.
"We heard rumors about mind-altering hats, and want to see if they are true," Rage continued.
"Yes, as a danger or an asset we need to know more. Very good. Larry?" Lamek pressed on.
"I'm going to try and use some of the coupons. Some nice bulk bargains here. And with the nice weather, this brochure strongly recommends I take a carriage ride through Haberdasher Park," Larry reported, holding up a coupon book and brochure.
"Pick me up some Crisper Bars if they have any."
"I am Shellhead, and I will seek out the dark forbidden secrets of this land for the glory of our Queen and the greater good of EVIL!" Shellhead shouted, waving his hand so it could be seem over the far edge of the table.
"You don't work here. Please go away. Alright then, that seems to be everything. Just try and be back by Monday, and kindly don't blow whatever cover we have left," Lamek said with a sigh.
X X X
Shell ignored the feeling of sand between his scaley toes as he made his way down the beach. Swim Cap Coast had very beachy beaches in his opinion, and he had pumped on a lot of sand in his time.
Everyone was so small, though, his view was only obstructed by umbrellas. He ignored the onlookers, seeing his goal, an area only sectioned off by wooden rail beams set in the sand, leaving anyone with a step to make able to enter it. To enter the pain and glory!
The muscle beach, with weights and benches spread put for a good stretch, and the tiny locals pumped iron under the sun and beside the surf. Shell stepped into it and grinned; they may be ripped but still, they were small, he thought.
"Wow, how many reps can you do?" a random exercise enthusiast asked.
"I will show you, for I am Shell!" the burly Koopa said. Grabbing the largest barbell he saw from another bench, Shell began to perform reps.
Meanwhile in the Forest:
With a thunderous groan, a majestic redwood plummeted to the forest floor.
"Timber!" Bowsette and Junior yelled as it fell. The impact shook the ground, and Bowsette reached into the pocket of the overall style skirt she was wearing with a plaid shirt.
"Okay, mother-son lumberjacking done," Bowsette said, checking that item off the list.
"That was awesome!" Junior cheered, tossing his axe into the air.
"Yes it was! Now let's see… Hmm, not sure where we could get a biplane fully armed on such short notice. Oh!" She said, grabbing the falling axe before it could hit her head.
"How about this one?" she asked, showing Junior an activity on the list as she planted the axe in the stump.
"Those sharks better watch out for my momma!" he said proudly, brandishing a fist. Bowsette bumped the fist and grinned.
"We'll rent some boxing gloves on our way to the beach. And seafood for lunch afterwards!" she said, giving a thumbs up.
X X X
In a dark room, a single plain wooden chair sat under a spotlight. From the darkness came a voice.
"An outsider seeks to join our ancient and glorious guild. Behold the Chair of the First Test. Let the truth of his magery be revealed!"
Lamek's wand lit up, revealing him in the dark, and with a few words and twirl of the wand he fired off a ball of magic that struck the chair. With a flash of light, the chair was gone and replaced with large but somewhat cheap-looking vase.
"How's that?" Lamek asked.
"Er, you were supposed to sit on it while we quizzed you on basic magic lore," the mysterious voice said.
"Oh," Lamek said in the dark.
"Shall we fetch the back-up Chair of the First Test, Dave?" a less mysterious voice asked.
"Don't call me Dave when we are being mysterious!" the mysterious voice chastised.
"Should I step out for bit?" Lamek asked.
"No, no. Hmm, let's just call this a pass on the first test, as you clearly understand magic. But before you move on, you must answer one vital question," the mysterious voice proclaimed. The other voice might have snickered.
"What is it?" Lamek asked.
"Are you wearing underpants?" the mysterious voice asked.
Lamek had a sinking feeling as he nodded.
X X X
Bowsette strode out of the surf onto the beach, dragging a large shark with a handlebar mustache after her.
"*Whew* that was something," Bowsette said, pulling off a boxing glove with her teeth. Pulling off the swim cap she was wearing, she shook out her hair. Looking around, she narrowed her eyes while shielding then from the sun.
"Hmm, seems I lost Junior. To the snack shack rendezvous point then!" Bowsette declared. Then she stopped, noticing a detail of her surroundings.
"Shell?" she asked the big Koopa doing reps near her with a small audience watching him.
"Boss!" he answered.
"What are you doing?" she asked, tilting her head.
"Reps!" he bellowed.
"…Okay," Bowsette shrugged, dragging her prey off toward the meet-up point.
X X X
Anger stood on the sidewalk, keeping guard on her sister with arms crossed. Rage was on the corner next to her, standing atop a wooden box and holding up a cardboard sign with the message "Seeking Information On Mind-Altering Hats. Please Share." written on it in bold black lettering.
"You sure this is going to work?" Anger asked.
"These people seem very straightforward in general," Rage replied, "The simplest solution is therefore no doubt the best."
"Well, if we are going for the simple solution," Anger chuckled, grinning. Cracking her knuckles, she grabbed the most important-looking pedestrian in reach and held him up to eye level by his tie.
"Hey pal! Tell me everything you know about mind-altering hats and no one gets hurt!" she threatened.
Shortly:
"Well, the bail isn't that bad. They bought my excuse of it being performance art. So you're currently being held on lack of a license and failure to get volunteer consent for improv theatre. Apparently improv theater has a very lengthy legal category here," Rage said, flipping through her copy of the legal documents. She was sitting on a bench next to the barred door to the cell Anger was fuming in.
"How come the boss can blow stuff up and not get arrested and this happens to me?" Anger growled, sitting on the cot.
"Seeing as these people are at least human-like, probably because they find her hot," Rage said, highlighting the bail amount with a yellow marker.
"I'd like to see if her flames are hotter than mine," Anger said, snapping her fingers. Nothing happened, so she kept snapping them, until Rage tapped on a sign just inside the cell on the wall. A wand crossed out.
"Apparently not all the magic is hats. And you know I wasn't referring to temperature. I was referring to physical traits and the positive response they elicit in others," Rage said wearily.
"I know that, Wondergirl! I'm trying to keep a lid on things! Bad enough they blindsided me with that sleeping cap. You gotta get me out of here," Anger said, grabbing the bars and pressing her muzzle against them.
Rage patted the back of Anger's hand with her free hand.
"Yes, you do not take confined spaces as well as I do. And I surmise you don't want me to go to the others for help and expose your defeat?" Rage said.
"Yeah, you got it," Anger pouted. Rage patted the other Koopa's red mane and turned to go.
"I will acquire the money before the weekend is out," she said with firm conviction.
X X X
A circle of dark-robed figures stood on the beach, around an X drawn in the sand. They murmured excitedly as a claw broke through the surface, slightly off center of the X. Wearing only goggles and green trunks, Lamek pulled himself out of the sand.
"The Third Test, HAS BEEN PASSED!" The seriously-voiced figure proclaimed.
"How many tests are there?" Lamek asked, dusting sand off himself.
"Well, he just failed the patience test. That will be tallied into your score," the mysterious guy huffed.
"When did we add-?" another figure asked.
"Onward to the Fourth Test! To the textile warehouse district!"
As they filed off the beach, Lamek paused, squinting down the beach.
"Shell?" he wondered at the figure doing reps further down the coast. Shrugging his shoulders, he carried on.
Meanwhile at Buy N' Bulk Mart:
Larry pulled the mighty load of supplies on the bulk cart clear of the aisles and stopped, wiping sweat from his brow and removing his green visor hat to fan himself with. Under the florescent lights beating down from the distant ceiling, he checked his list for a third time. With his coupons, plus the gift card from the mail, he should be able to get all of this for free.
"Are you smiling, young turtle?" a creepy old lady wearing a red bandana on her head and a gold bead necklace cackled next to him.
"Yes, and it's not easy with a beak," Larry answered.
"Oh, poor naive child. The greatest hurdles of your journey lie ahead! Behold the vastness of the checkout aisles. Legend says that in the ancient days in which this place first opened, all of them were opened and they numbered three hundred. Yet now you must seek one of only three ever open at any one time! Inconveniencing is upon you! CREHAHAHAHA!" the old lady cackled, putting on a witch hat and disappearing in a puff of smoke. As the old lady's coughing fit followed him, Larry picked left and started walking.
X X X
As the sun began to rise, Shell continued to do reps. Yet he caught sight of a familiar figure walking past him, eating a blue ice cream cone.
"Rage?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered, turning to see him and walking over as a pair of locals wearing fedoras and hauling cameras and stools passed her.
"Why are you wearing that?" he asked, gesturing to her one piece with his chin as he continued to lift.
"Red is my favorite color."
"But you don't wear clothes."
"It's for a photoshoot. Why are you doing reps at dawn?" she answered, tugging at a strap on her shoulders.
"I AM SHELL!" he answered.
"Hmm, you want a lick?" she asked, holding out the ice cream.
"No! That is unsanitary. I am Shell!" he denied.
"Okay," she said with a shrug and walked away.
X X X
"But it says on the package 'not for consumption'," Lamek said, gesturing to the wrapping he was holding. He once again stood in a darkened room with a spotlight on him, holding a non-edible item freshly unwrapped.
"Do thou wish to join this ancient and mysterious guild or not?" the mysterious voice called.
"'Doth', you need to say 'doth' if you use the 'thou'," another new voice said.
"Oh, well, thank you autocorrect for killing the mood! Will you be doing anything else without being asked?"
"Hey, he's just trying to help! No need to bite his head off!"
"Besides, is it even legal to make him eat that? We don't want a repeat of the duct tape lawsuit, after all."
"Yeah, after that we couldn't afford seafood Friday for over a year."
"Let's just make him eat something he hates."
Lamek tossed the non-edible away as he forlornly listened to the argument go around with what seemed like at least ten people.
X X X
Anger lay on the bunk of her cell, snoring inside her shell as the sun warmed it.
"So we have turtle people now," a bored guard said, looking in.
"Guess so," an older guard said, standing next to him sipping coffee from a mug.
"Neat," Guard number 1 remarked.
"Guess so," Guard number 2 repeated.
X X X
Larry stood in the aisle, the number sixteen over the register shining like a beacon of hope as the last indecisive customer in front of him checked out. The acne-faced teen employee held up a scanner and scanned Larry's first coupon. A deep horn blared, and the glowing number turned red.
"Oh, looks like you'll need to see the manager for this one," the employee said, their voice cracking at every word.
As Larry watched, a dust devil blew down the nearest aisle and swung around behind the counter, sending the teen hurtling away screaming. As the wind died down and the dust settled, it revealed a Hattian. He wore a well-worn brown cowboy hat and a tan leather vest over a light blue shirt, with a tin star reading "manager" buttoned to the vest. Twitching his handlebar mustache, he pulled a hand scanner out of his belt holster and scanned the coupon.
"Sorry, partner. All super saver deluxe coupons have to be used at the Coupon Checkout Lane. Thataway, as far west as the store goes. Good luck to ya!" the manager said, tipping his hat and vanishing into the dust devil once more.
With a sigh, Larry started pushing the load back out of the checkout aisle.
X X X
It was bright and sunny in Roadside Park, and a crowd clad in fine county fair attire cheered the word "Go" over and over again. Then broke into a cheer.
"A new record time! I present our new Miss Flapjack!" the official said. Bowsette's eyes crossed, and she wavered in her chair as the last syrup-drenched plate was taken away from the table she sat at. She gave Junior a thumbs up as a gold medal with a stack of pancakes engraved on it was hung around her neck. Eyes rolling back, she fell out of the chair.
The applause continued as someone called for an ambulance.
X X X
"This is the secret library!? But I read all this back in Wizard 108!" Lamek shouted, slamming a spell book shut.
"Wow, you got into 108?" one of the robed figures standing in the book-lined den asked. Lamek glared through his glasses at the figure seated at the table.
"I thought you are an ancient wizard guild!"
"We are, but these last centuries most wizards when they make it big work for the government or the corporations. Or go full independent because they don't like paying dues. And most of the cool old stuff we lost to The New Guild of Ancient Wizards when they seceded over a dress code dispute a hundred and twenty years back."
"…Are any of you wizards?" Lamek asked.
"Well, we are more a magic appreciation society these days. Or we were until you came along! Just sign here and we can get you a gold-class membership from the start. That will get you ten percent off all purchases at most major store chains and 15% off at major booksellers."
Gritting his beak, Lamek waved his wand and chanted a spell. Magic shot out of his wand, sending smoke rising into the air. With a huff, he stormed out of the room, leaving a bunch of frogs sitting in mysterious-looking robes.
"We'll put him down as a maybe," the frog at the table said.
X X X
At last, Larry reached the Coupon Checkout aisle. First he had to answer the modern guardian's riddle before its axes would rise, letting him pass in safety. It turned out the answer was three. Next he had to resist the temptations of overpriced snacks and magazines of dubious factuality! Then get past the less overpriced but still not a bargain tasty drinks. WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE HIPPOGRIFF. And at last, Larry came face to face with the final barrier. She was old, nearly deaf, half-blind, and only three weeks from retirement. Her name tag identified her as: SUSAN.
"Sorry turtle, we only accept coupons on the 15th, 23rd, 8th, and 32nd. On all other days, it's just a regular checkout aisle. ZEHAHAHAHAHA!" she cackled, pulling a string on her hat to make lightning flash and thunder roar.
Larry pointed to the calendar hanging from the register. Which read the 15th.
…
"Well played, customer. Well played," she growled as he began scanning his purchases.
And thus, Larry from Accounting left the store to applause! Applause from not only customers given hope by his great victory but the shades of customers gone before him come forth to witness the long foretold day! Huzzah huzzah, they cheered for Larry!
And Larry, having exited the store, tried to remember where he had parked.
X X X
*BOOM*
Soda cans went flying, crashing against the ground. As Junior whooped and pedestrians looked on from the sidewalk, Bowsette walked out of the dust cloud as it cleared, revealing the crushed soda machine. Pulling out her notebook, she checked off an item.
"Suplex a soda machine so hard it explodes. Check!" she proclaimed.
"You're the best, Momma!" Junior cheered, grabbing her hands.
"Of course I am, it says so on my hat. Hmm, let's head to my ship, Junior. You can get a tour in before we have brunch and get you to the airport. And I need to see if those knuckleheads accomplished anything. Remember when you're king, Junior, if you don't remind them who's boss, there's no telling what pointless silliness your minions will get up to," she advised as they walked off while police sirens sounded in the distance.
X X X
"Cut it a bit close, didn't you?" Anger said, getting out of the taxi. She was carrying bags labeled "Big and Bold" in her hands, and wearing a stylish unbuttoned denim jacket. Rage emerged with her own bags, wearing a red turtleneck.
"Well, the agency tried to pay everything in clothes. I had to freeze them before they agreed. Then had to unfreeze them with a hairdryer so they could sign the check," Rage said.
"You got all this and they still paid you?" Anger asked as they walked up the stairs to the ship.
"No one here is tall; a clothing line targeting tall people was very economically unsound. After meeting me, they are going to try an export market. I told them we work for a queen, so they think we are celebrities."
"Well, she'll be a real queen soon enough," Anger said, dumping her bags on the hapless Koopa Troopa guarding the entry to the sky fortress.
"Still no progress on mind-altering hats, though," Rage grumbled as she followed Anger's lead, dumping her clothes bags onto the Troopa.
"Eh, we have time. Better get to the meeting," the redheaded Koopa remarked, stretching her arms.
X X X
"PATHETIC!" Bowsette roared at the Bosses gathered around the table. Fire shot out, setting Shell on fire before the wind of the yelling blew it out. He didn't seem to notice. "The only one who succeeded in his mission was Larry! And Larry, why does the receipt say we purchased a hundred pounds of vegan blubber?!"
"It was a bargain, not taking advantage would have just been leaving money on the table," Larry quietly defended himself
"Yes, money not spent buying something we don't want or need! And Shell, what were you even doing all weekend?!" Bowsette demanded, pointing a finger at the buff Koopa.
"Reps," Shell answered.
"How many reps did you do?" Bowsette muttered, facepalming.
"All of them," he answered.
…
…
"If I wanted to do nothing, I'd just do it myself. I hired you all to do things, and this is the thanks I get? You're making me look like a chump in front of my son!" she said. She pointed to Bowser Junior, who was busy painting a picture of Bowsette stepping on a tiny Mario on a piece of paper.
"I'll rake you losers over the coals later. I need to see my son brunched and airported back home," she said with a sniff. Nose held high, she got up from the table and grabbed Junior's tail to drag him out with her.
Then Shellhead jumped into the doorway, blocking her way.
"Wait, my Queen. I have discovered a dark and terrible secret of this land. There exists a hat which is so powerful that should it fall into evil hands-" Shellhead reported, then was kicked in the face.
"You still don't work here," Bowsette growled, stepping on him as she stomped through the doorway. Junior blew a raspberry as he was dragged out into the hallway. Whether it was at Shellhead or the bosses they could not say.
X X X
The airport had a good restaurant attached to it, Bowsette admitted. It had a country kitchen theme. Currently she was enjoying a sausage salad while Junior was eating a triple breakfast burger.
"So honey, did you have a good time?" she asked.
"The best!" he cheered around a mouthful.
"Don't talk your mouth full Junior, it wastes food," she chastised him while smiling. He swallowed, then spoke.
"But there's one thing I wanted to do we didn't," he admitted.
"Well, there's always next time."
"I wanted to see you steal something all villainously," Junior sighed.
Bowsette frowned, and then nodded. It wasn't much, and she'd do anything for her little monster. Tapping her chin, she looked around for something to steal. The bric-a-brac on the walls? No. The cash register? No. The antique pioneer hat on display in the waiting area? No.
Then she saw it, an elegant top hat worn by an important-looking guy with a really big mustache talking to some other important people who also had mustaches. Though theirs were smaller and some of them were women.
"Junior, watch your mom be awesome and get ready to run for the Clown Pot. It's time to get you another souvenir!" she cackled, cracking her knuckles and gashing her teeth hard enough to make sparks. She handed Junior her Best Mom hat and got up from the table.
"Hurray!" he cheered. Whistling unsuspiciously, Bowsette sidestepped casually across the dining room to stand behind the little guy with the big mustache. She froze as he turned to look up at her raising an eyebrow.
"Can I help you with something, Miss?" he asked politely.
'Crap, I never planned for this!' Bowsette thought.
"…Ha!" she yelled, snatching the hat off his head, revealing a single white hair curled atop his head.
The whole restaurant gasped as she put it on her head.
"Okay Junior, time to-GJHALGHALG!" Bowsette yelled as mystic energy surged out of the top hat into her, making her practically dance around on the spot spouting gibberish.
Junior grabbed the notebook from where Bowsette had left it on the table and flipped through it to find what he needed. With a smile, he checked "See Momma Dance" off the list while she continued to jitter aroind from the magical energy surge.
Mushroom Kingdom, The Mario House, Not Too Long After Then:
Mario whistled as he walked out into a glorious morning, the fresh flowers already dancing and the green hills practically gleaming under a sky where clouds looked down benevolently. Reaching the end of his garden path, he pulled the mail out of the mailbox and tucked it under one arm, which grabbed the paper, shaking it out of the sleeve and unfolding it.
"Wow!" he said, holding it up folded. A bold headline declared LAND OF HATS CONQUERED!. Beneath it was a picture of Bowsette with a smug fang-filled grin, holding up her hands in a double victory sign. Unfolding the paper, he saw a second bold line under the picture adorned the frontpage.
'COME AT ME MARIO' it read.
"Mama Mia," Mario sighed, putting a hand to his face. He had really thought they were done with that Super Crown stuff.
Author's Note:
Another chapter down.
And so a nation falls top Bowsette! Next time, Bowsette seeks to get things leveled up for Mario's inevitable heroic arrival!