Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, Pac-Man, other referenced games, or Bowsette.
Betaed by: Zim'mostloyalservant
Chapter 5
Leveling Up:
The Untold Story of Production
"Bwahahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, reclining in her throne. Literally reclining, as the chair she was using was a recliner. The actual Hat Throne had not been made with tails in mind, and apparently without the size considerations for someone of her stature. So after throwing the old throne out a fancy window, she had her favorite recliner from the Queen's Pride put in its place.
"You were right, Lamek, starting small was the key to success," Bowsette chuckled, crossing her legs and tilting the Top Hat so she could see her wizard standing by the throne.
They were in the throne room of Top Hat Castle, an ornate structure that was pretty par the course for a good kingdom. Save that all the stain-glass windows held images of hats. Statues of hats also adorned the edge of the room. And behind where they stood was a great stain glass widow depicting the royal hat Bowsette now wore.
"Yes, that was the plan," Lamek managed to say with a sigh.
"And with this baby on, I turned off any hats I wanted. Heheh, without their magic hats it was simple to take control of this country. Though they insist I'm not the Queen despite taking over. Apparently there're rules on how to be royalty here, so maybe that's for the best?" Bowsette mused, leaning forward in the recliner to sit up straight.
"You know, as the one with the power, you don't really have to-"
"I can make up my own badass title! Great idea, glad I thought of it… Bowsette Koopa, Supreme Tyrannical Overlady of the Land. I like the sound of it. Decree it so, write up paper or such, lackey," she said to one of the Koopa guards loitering in the throne room, "Now then, Mario will be along to foil me."
"Especially since you specifically called him out," Lamek muttered.
"Exactly. Summon the Bosses, it's time to level up! Bwahahaha!" Bowsette cackled.
"…I know Larry is going over the treasury records. Do you know where the others are?" Lamek asked.
"Ugh, minions, find them!" Bowsette commanded.
"First time dong this?" the King of the Land of Hats asked from inside his cage hanging from the ceiling.
"No! Um, kind of. Shut up!" Bowsette said, stomping out of the room.
Later:
Bowsette, Lamek, and the Bosses stood in the chart room, which was lined with shelves holding charts and charts hung on walls. With the big table at the center covered with a model map of the Land of Hats.
"Gaze upon it, the sweet fruits of conquest! Now to divide it up, to rule and defend from would-be liberators," Bowsette chuckled, wringing her hands menacingly.
"I want to rule the big city! I'm a city girl," Anger said.
"You were born on Koopa Troopa Beach. I should know, I was there," Rage remarked dryly, eating an apple.
"At heart, a city girl at heart. There, happy now, Rage?" Anger huffed. Rage nodded, earning another huff from her twin. Bowsette ignored their antics, moving on.
"Okay, Fedora City goes to Anger. Lamek, you'll be here with me in the castle province, district, thingy."
"I AM SHELL!"
"It's the coast for you," Bowsette decided.
"I wouldn't mind the forest. I have an axe to grind with Mario when he shows up," Rage said with a yawn, before taking another bite of her apple. Bowsette gave the blue-haired Koopa a thumbs up and wrote another name label on the fancy map.
"Guess that leaves Straw Hat Hills for you, Larry. Which, as the least dangerous of our zones, is going to be where Mario invades."
"Your Majesty, you are forgetting this one," Lamek said, pointing to the zone connecting the castle to the forest. Snowcap Mountains.
"I didn't forget it, no one likes ice stages. Not even to be the Boss," Bowsette explained. Everyone looked to Rage as she chewed up and swallowed the apple core. Finishing that, she nodded in answer to the question.
"Well, it's not like Mario will make it that far anyway."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"I'll do it!" Shellhead shouted, jumping up and striking a victory pose. Bowsette frowned, grabbed him by the cap, walked over to the nearest window, unlatched it, and threw him out. Leaving it dangling open, she sighed and rubbed her temples.
"No one want to be Boss of an ice stage, no one at all," she lamented, before holding out her left hand dramatically, "Well, anyway. With the Top Hat, I brought society to a halt here, but it also let me activate these!"
…
A Koopa Troopa hustled up and held up a shallow long chest to Bowsette. Frowning, Bowsette snatched the chest and tilted it as she opened it, with magical light flashing.
"Behold the Region Hats! They will give the wearer power over the hats of their designated areas. Wear them with awesomeness," Boswette commanded.
X X X
With the Bosses gone to modify their areas into proper levels to stop Mario, Bowsette flung herself on a couch, not regarding the tearing noise as the spikes on her shell ripped it up.
"Ah Lamek, it's good to be the Queen. And I am good at it! I mean, one day I'm committing petty crimes to break their morale, then one weekend later I have overthrown their whole civilization. Your planning was a bit helpful too," she admitted, closing her eyes.
Lamek sighed — he would like to get irritated, but it wasn't like his plan was supposed to end like this. She had taken the unbounded middle, and somehow bounded clear over it. If anything, this might make her worse, he thought.
"I notice you didn't give them any orders regarding the Emergency Hat Boxes," he pointed out.
"Meh, the locals, from generations of soft living, have skulls too soft to activate them. Those hats may be on, but they also may as well be ON the moon. Bwahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, tail wagging.
"And if Mario uses them?" Lamek asked.
Bowsette's eyes snapped open and she sat up, crossing her arms and giving Lamek an annoyed look.
"Well, there aren't any Power Stars or Fire Flowers here, so I guess it balances out," Bowsette shrugged.
"We could try and move them," Lamek suggested.
"Now you're just talking crazy! I mean, that would be like Mario just coming straight to the castle to see if the Princess was in it before doing anything else," Bowsette accused.
"There isn't a princess in the castle this time, Your Majesty. The King's daughter is at the Lady Harber's School for Wayward Girls, for chronic use of necromancy," Lamek said.
"Oh, is that where all those ghosts and zombies outside the castle walls came from? I was wondering about that," Bowsette remarked, settling back down.
X X X
Bowsette was meeting with the royal cabinet, because she was bored and they had nothing better to do, hence why there were shackled to the big fancy table.
Bowsette looked over the forms carefully, and set them all on fire with her breath.
"This is more boring than doing nothing! You're all fired!" she said, snapping her fingers for the Koopas to drag them away.
"Oh come now, Your Most Usuperness!" One of the ministers wearing a powdered-wig hat pleaded as his chain was unfastened from the table, "You can't just rule by decree like a tyrant of old, handing down whatever policy strikes your fancy!"
"Think so?" Bowsette smirked, showing off her fangs and cracking her knuckles, "Lamek! Take dictation, it's time to lay down the law on these haberdasher-fixated nerds. They couldn't decide if I was a villain before, well it's time to give them such tyranny that it will knock their useless hats off! Bwahahahahahaha!"
Lamek looked to the ministers as Bowsette was distracted by being maniacal.
"I did warn you not to bore her," Lamek said with a shrug.
"But what can she hope to accomplish with this madness?! The people will never stand for a dictatorship," another minister pleaded.
"Meh, you seem to have plenty of chairs, and she's more negligent than slave-driving as despots go, I think. It could work out," Lamek said, as they were dragged out the door.
"Whew! That was some good cackling. Now for the most evil law code ever devised by Koopa mind. Hmm, I shouldn't have sent all the gang away, they might have had some ideas," the usurper said, crossing her legs as she reclined in her chair.
Quaint Country Town #5, Straw Hats Hills, Land of Hats:
A winged Koopa Troopa swept down into the square of the town and climbed to stand on the rim of the well. Pulling out a bugle, he gave a morning call, getting people's attention and rousing some from their houses. Putting away the instrument, the Koopa put his googles up on his forehead and pulled out a scroll which he unrolled.
"Hear ye, hear ye! And listen up! Her Most Usurping Majesty, the Supreme Total Overlady has decreed new laws for you the masses to cower under the weight thereof! The first law of the new regime: the wearing of ducks as hats is hereby banned! The second law: The White Zone henceforth and for all time shall be for the loading and unloading of vehicles only! The third law: From the time of 1:30pm to 2:14pm all parking meters shall be free! The fourth law: On parking meters, a double ticket penalty shall be levied for violations between 2:16pm to 3:00pm! The fifth law: Henceforth on Tuesdays, traffic lights shall mean go when red and stop on green. But only on Tuesdays. Yellow lights not subject to change on Tuesdays or any other day of the week. The sixth law: A special tax of 10% shall be placed on syrup. The seventh law: Turtle soup is now a criminal substance. Use of or possession of shall be considered a felony. The eighth law: All pancakes, flapjacks and hotcakes declared property of the STOL, to be surrendered to her immediately and posthaste with no regard for your convenience. The ninth: No wearing of scarves on Saturdays! The tenth law: from this day forth, a special license shall be required to own or wear red shoes of any shade or style. Does not extend to sandals! Woe and tremble under the weight of the tyranny that has be fallen you all!
"That is all, have a good day," the Troopa said, before putting his goggles back on and flying away, leaving the confused people milling about.
"I find that tyrannical!" one of the citizens yelled out to no one in particular as he went back to work.
X X X
Anger adjusted her magical fedora, checking herself in the store's full-length mirror. The hat was a medium brown color, with a darker band that had a small yellow feather the size of her thumb tucked into it.
It really was magical — it had adjusted to accommodate her horns and fit her head perfectly. And she could sort of feel every hat in the region, able to turn them on and off at a whim. But more importantly, she had a hat that suited her perfectly. This was the most prestigious clothing store in Fedora City, and Fedora City was the fashion center of this land. But for all that, she was only wearing the hat and her shell now, because nothing here suited her!
"What's the point of being one of the ones in charge when you can't even assemble a decent outfit?" she asked no one in particular. Her Koopa aide, set apart by his bottle cap glasses and pencil tucked by some nonexistent ear answered anyway.
"They are all shorter than you, Boss Anger. If you want better fits, you should try that store that Boss Rage modeled for," he said. Anger bonked him on the head, scowling deeper.
"Quiet! I'm too big a deal now to be seen shopping big and tall!" the despot's lieutenant asserted, stalking away.
Exiting the empty store, she accepted a clipboard from her aide and looked out over the working Koopas, detonating Bob-ombs, and Goombas being Goombas. Most of the locals had holed up when the construction started. She rolled her eyes — you'd think this was their first occupation by a foreign power.
"Dial these plans here back, lackey. I want these pothole pitfalls to slow Mario down, not force me to have to walk a pretzel just to get to a good coffeeshop. And we need more water obstacles; it's the city, morons, break open some fire hydrants if you have to. And where is my bagel with cream cheese and onion?!" Anger demanded, striking a threatening pose.
Meanwhile:
"So, is this good?" the Koopa foreman asked, holding out the level schematics. He stood on the beach with construction whirring around him and stray Bob-ombs being tossed ashore on waves, eliciting screams, panic, and explosions.
"I am Shell!" Shell said as he continued to do reps. He was lying on the bench set up in the midst of the construction site that was once a beautiful but tourist infested beach, and he wasn't even looking at the forms being held out to him. Taking a moment to watch his boss continue to do reps, the foreman shrugged and turned on his megaphone
"Okay, plan's green-lit people!" the foreman announced with the device, walking off to leave Shell to his reps.
In the Forest:
Buzzsaws whirled and axes hacked. Trees groaned and fell. Bobcats growled and hard hat-wearing Koopas drank coffee and did crossword puzzles on their breaks. The woods were alive with activity as trees were felled or bent, forming a bizarre maze, and pits were dug and lined with spikes made from felled trees.
Amidst the chaos a trailer was situated, and within that trailer Rage Koopa reclined behind a cheap desk, lining up a dart to her eyes. With a toss, it crossed the room, missing a picture of Mario by a mile and hitting a framed Associates Degree issued by East Dark Land Community College. Rage frowned and got up, adjusting her wool-lined lumberjack hat. The dart had broken the glass, leaving more of the glass in the frame broken than not, while the Mario picture remained undefiled. With a huff, she just stabbed the Mario picture in the nose with another dart.
Leaving the dart there, she went to the coffee machine situated under the wall-mounted blueprint of her level and started filling a coffee cup that read "BEST BOWSER FANGIRL".
"Soon…" she muttered, a tiny smile forming on her face as the black coffee filled the pristine personalized mug.
Elsewhere:
High in the mountains, a level was taking shape, one chisel strike at a time, as a figure held in place by a rope struggled not to be buffeted by the winds.
"I! Am! Shellhead!" Shellhead shouted defiantly to the fury of the blizzard.
And Elsewhere Yet Again:
Larry looked over the graph paper, adjusting his straw hat as he examined a room with his gathered foremen. And with a smile, gave a thumbs up.
"And it's in budget too!" he declared.
"Hurray!" they cheered, picking up Larry from Accounting and carrying him like a hero… until they all fell with a cry into one of the recently-finished pits.
…
"It works!" Larry proclaimed.
"Hurray!" there was mush rejoicing at the bottom of that particular pit.
X X X
"So, this is the one?" Bowsette asked as she reached back to wax her shell.
She was in the royal suite with the hat décor all covered up with Koopa propaganda posters or pictures of her, including Bowsette's front page picture from the paper having been enlarged and stapled over the official royal portrait of the King. Lamek was standing before where she sat on the royal bed, which was large by local standards, so it worked for her. Beside him, a Hattian homeless person was chained up and sitting on the floor.
"It is," Lamek reported.
"I knew if we did not throw down our hats and use our own heads it would lead to our downfall!" the disheveled man cried out.
"Yep, congrats on that," Bowsette said, giving him a thumbs up as she twisted, trying to get her whole shell.
"I'm not happy about being right!" he snapped.
"Well that's hardly my fault, is it? Jerk who can't take a compliment, " Bowsette snapped back.
"His hard head lifestyle let this one open the hat boxes and he was resisting our rule," Lamek explained.
"Who caught him?" Bowsette asked.
"No one, really. Anger saw him while he was asleep and had him arrested for loitering outside a street cafe she seems to like. Larry caught the record matching him to the wanted posters. And here we are."
"Hmm, I see. Lamek, I have an evil plan to use this failed rebel to destroy Mario!" she announced as she finally reached the hard to reach spot.
"Sigh, you're thinking eleventh hour ally betrayal, aren't you?"
"Hey, Modern Villainy Quarterly says that is in now, so don't knock it. So, Mr. Smelly Man, do you have any loved ones we can use as hostages or should we just resort to brainwashing?" Bowsette asked as she grabbed the polishing brush.
Quaint Village #1, Straw Hat Hills, Land of Hats, A Plot Convenient Time Later:
In the town square, the cobblestones started to quake slightly and green magic beautifully sparked in the air, causing the downcast and oppressed Hattians to look to the spot while going about their oppressed day. Then with a pop, a green warp pipe sprouted in the square and a blur of red and blue hopped out.
"Woo hoo! Itsa me, Ma-"
X X X
"-RIO!" Bowsette cackled, holding the wide screen crystal ball in her clutches, watching Mario talk with her double agent as he went through Old Man Tutorial's farm. The games had begun in earnest.
"Welcome Mario, to my kingdom of hats and magic. But you do not face the same old Bowser in exciting new packaging, oh no! This time you face Bowsette, and you shall find naught but your DOOM! BWHAHAHAHA!" Bowsette cackled, throwing her head back as pretty light shone in the throne room.
Pausing, she blinked and looked around, glancing at the King playing solitaire in his cage and the local maid mopping the floor.
"Lamek!" she snapped.
"Give it a minute!" the Magikoopa called from out of sight.
The sky darkened and lightning cracked, startling the two locals and setting them to quaking as the castle shook a bit and dramatic music played. Bowsette just frowned and sighed.
"We'll need to work on the timing before Mario gets here. Now fetch me some popcorn!" Bowsette commanded, striking a dramatic pose as Mario leapt around in the image of the crystal ball.
Dark Land, Bowser's Castle:
Bowser narrowed his eyes, knowing victory or defeat would be decided by a single move, the difference of a second. Glorious victory or shameful defeat, all turning on a moment.
PING
The ping pong ball struck the edge of the table under Bowser's swing and bounced off across the floor of the rec room.
"That's game, dad," Ludwig stated.
"Best three out of five!" Bowser demanded, swinging his paddle back and forth. Then Kamek burst in.
"My King, Bowsette called. It's time!" he huffed.
"No it isn't, Junior's not due back there until after she defeats Mario," Bowser countered as a Troopa brought the ping pong ball back.
…
…
"Mario's taken the bait!" Bowser realized, crushing the ping pong ball in an unimpressive feat of strength, "The Mushroom Kingdom is defenseless! Ready the Troop! It's time for me to get hitched, and Mario's out of the picture chasing my knockoff of a twin sister or something. BWAHAHAHA!"
…
"WELL!? Get moving!" he commanded every Koopa in earshot as he wrung his hands menacingly next to the ping pong table.
Author's Note:
And so it begins, Mario vs Bowsette!
Can he navigate hat themed levels; designed and run by bosses of dubious quality and little if any experience? Will the ally betrayal be as cliche as expected. Will Bowser pull off an offscreen moment of awesome? Will Bowsette binge watch the whole thing with popcorn?!
Tune in next time and you may have a question or two answered!