*almost out of the flashback* Im sorry it is a potentially triggering chapter. So be warned it is going to be quite sad.

When she awoke, she was surprised to find that she was moving. Or at least something that was moving her. She lifted her head, and was hit the surprise of pain. Every last inch of her body hurt, at least tenfold what it had hurt the last time she was awake. She was able to make out a sleeping Armin next to her. The moon shun on him allowing her to see that he had a bandage around his arm.

"Armin," Mikasa whispered trying to get his attention. He visibly moved but paid her not mind. "Armin," she said once more placing a touch on leg. He jolted awake.

"Mikasa you're awake!" He said in a voice that was a little too loud for the others around them.

"Where are we? And what is going on?" She asked. She noticed that they were riding inside a carriage, at a pace that was quite quick. Not to mention that the place they were riding through looked quite familiar.

"Well, we are back inside wall Rose. Erwin basically ordered us to go back to headquarters." Armin tried wiping the sleep from his eyes, as he probably figured she had questions.

"Wait what? How long was I out for?"

Armin got a bit uncomfortable, but after a moment he answered. "A day and a half." Her stomach suck into the pit of her gut. "That concussion was pretty bad, Hanji said you would be lucky not to have permanent brain damage."

"How's Eren?" She asked hoping that he could give her some insight into what the hell was going on.

"He is good, upset because the mission failed. But as far as health is concerned he is a best as he can be."

"And uhh Captain Levi?" She hesitated to ask but she had to know the he was fine. She was almost certain of the question but she had to hear a confirmation.

"I think you need to go back to bed-" why was Armin avoiding the question. He moved to place the blanket back on her.

"-Armin answer the question" A tone she had never used on him taking over.

"Mikasa… I don't know." He sighed before continuing, "I haven't been able to speak to Erwin or Eren, since I was injured so I'm going just by what I have been told by the others. Our losses were bigger than anybody expected, especially for the amount of time that we were out there for." He gave a joyless chuckle, Mikasa immediately picking up on the frustration behind his words. "These gods are cruel. We weren't even out there for a full day, and we lost over a third of our comrades." He looked away, but Mikasa could tell that he was having a hard time explaining what exactly had gone on since the last time she had been conscious. "It all happened so fast, as soon we got you into the cart Erwin told everybody to leave. Other flanks had been inspecting, only to realize that the horde were headed in our directions. The Commander did not want to risk loosing more people, so he called it off at the first word of what was coming. He and Hanji stayed for a bit longer, until it was made clear that nobody was coming out of that forrest alive. My guess was that they were waiting for Levi, but the Captain did not make it out." She was in shock because from the moment the words left this mouth, she was unable to move. The echo of his tired voice rang in her ear, as he kept talking but she could not comprehend a word. He is dead, she thought. Trying to force herself to acknowledge the truth. Her mind could picture him calling out to her, promising to be back.

"He cant be… Levi is incapable of death…." those words were the last thing she said before her body collapsed onto the floor of the carriage.

"MIKASA" Armin yelled for her but she was stuck. A mixture of numbness and complete betrayal overtaking every inch. He promised, she thought, he can't be dead.

XXXX

She awoke to find a pair of arms, carrying her into castle. She had cried in silence the entire night. Refusing to eat, or drink anything for her pain. In fact it was only the pain that reminded her that she was alive, because emotionally she had been obliterated. The man she loved, was dead. Their wedding would never be, they would never get to grow old together, or ever make love again. He represented her future, and now he was gone from this world, robbing her from any happiness that she could have. Eren was the only reason she had been able to get out of that carriage, if he hadn't offered to carry her she would still be there crying her eyes out. Praying to a merciful god, to just end the pain already.

"Thank you," she said softly trying to stifle any cries that we begging to come out of her mouth.

He looked down at her, in all of their years together he had never seen her react in the way she was. She had always made sure to never show him, this side of her. Another Mikasa would've cared about trying to hide the shame of her sorrow, but this broken girl could not keep those feelings bottled up inside anymore. "I have never seen you like this Mika?"

"I'm sorry" she didn't know why she owed an apology but it wasn't like she could explain why she was reacting in the manner that she was. Nobody knew (other than maybe Sasha), no one could ever understand the amount of love that she and the Captain had shared with for one another. She was alone, and he was only going to be present in her memories. She wanted to hate him for not coming back, but he had saved her. She tried not to go in the self loathing direction that her brain kept taking her, but it was useless. He was only there because she had been dumb enough to disobey orders and try to find him herself.

"There is nothing for you to apologize for." He smiled in an attempt to cheer up the girl who was so obviously distraught. Instead she buried her head in his chest, knowing that this all was her fault. She had everything to apologize for, because Levi's death was only on her.

He walked in silence (aside from her muffled cries) until they reached Hanji's clinic/ office, her body cradled by his arms. Eren set her down on one of of the hospital bends, gently. She curled up in the same position as in the cart. Her mind tried to not the let the strangulation of her thoughts over take her. It was useless, no matter how hard she tried, Levi was all that came up. A small voice spoke, and her eyes jolted awake. It was Eren, he was in the middle of speaking to Hanji. They were attempting to whisper but Mikasa could hear everyone of their words. Hanji especially.

"I'm worried, I have never seen her act like this." Eren tried to tell the scientist. "I thought I would have a hard time, but I think the guilt is what is killing her." He paused. "I want to help, she should not have to bear this burden alone. He was tasked with protecting me-"

"His death, has been hard on all of us. Captain Levi was hero," Hanji interrupted. "There's nothing we can do it about it. Levi would not want us to willow around. He didn't do that when he lost his squad and Petra. Death happens, us especially have to be able to make our peace and move on." Mikasa sobbed. Hanji was right. But the amount of emotions that were floating within, could not be stifled. Hanji continued. "She has nothing to feel guilty about nor you Eren. Levi knew the risks when he went back. I suspect he knew what would happen, but Mikasa was worth saving. Trust me she will be back to normal, in a few weeks. We just need to give her some time to adjust and to grieve."

XXXX

Like Hanji said, Mikasa had recovered from her injuries within weeks. She was back to training with the others with little to no issues. However it was inside that she had experienced significant trauma, wounds that only time would heal. She would never be the same, because he had been ripped from her arms before she was able to say goodbye. A million times over would she have preferred to have taken his place. Rather than to feel the pain that his loss caused her. Maybe it was selfish of her, because this kind of pain was not one she would give to her worst enemy.

Mikasa found herself sinking deeper in to a depression that was eating away at all that made her happy. She locked herself in her room, for hours at a time only coming out for training and the occasional meal. Her friends tried to motivate her but the lack of knowledge of the context, resulted in frustration and resignation. Most of them believing that Mikasa would be back to normal in time, however those weeks turned to months. And still she remained the a broken doll, cracked and empty inside.

The only one who Mikasa could confide in was her roommate, and eventual best friend Sasha. The poor girl, was forced to take care of her, because nobody else knew how. Sasha made the attempts to get her to eat. She pleaded with her to talk to Hanji, who had some experience with psychology. Still Mikasa refused believing that help was not what she needed. It was stupid, and selfish because she was on self destructive path that only isolated her from others.

Alone in her room, she began to drink excessively. Desperately trying to numb her brain until she could no longer muster a thought. It hurt to think of the good times, it hurt to even think of the bad times. All she could do was try and shield herself from the pain. Her future was dark and empty without him.

XXX

Her naked body laid, weak inside a tub with scarlet water. His gold ring loosely clung to finger. As much as loved it, she rarely like to see it. The symbol of what could've, actually should've been her future. She just wanted to end it the pain, the suffering, and the feeling of being a burden on those who loved her. She would be known as the girl who committed suicide, but those things would not matter in the after life. An afterlife she hoped was real, because this could not be end.

She tried to think of all the good times that her life had consisted of. There weren't many but she was able to think of a few. She wondered how different her life might have been if she had gotten to live with her parents, how because of that she would have never met Eren, or Levi. It was painful to think of a life in which she would've never met the Captain, then again she often found herself wishing for exactly that. For if they had never met, she would not feel the aching hole in her heart. If her parents had lived she could have lived entirely different, she wouldn't have met Eren either, she wouldn't have to hurt him when they found her dead body floating in this tub. It wouldn't be just him that would be hurt, but rather it would be the entirety of her friends. She tried to deviate her thoughts elsewhere, thoughts of hurting them could not change the situation. Her body became lighter and lighter as time went on. Probably due to the loss of blood, but it was strangely peaceful.

A door opened which such force that Mikasa, jumped back a little in the tub. She was too weak to look back, but she could tell by the voice that it was Sasha.

At first she had been speechless, as if her brain was trying to decipher what was the scene in front of her. Until a sense of urgency too over.

"MIKASA. No." Her friend pulled her head up gently, trying to assess if she was still alive, "You cant do this." Sasha ran around trying to find towels. She wrapped a towel along the slits on her wrists. "Press down on these okay."

"But I…." Mikasa tried to argue but the words would not come out.

"NO, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS." Sasha sobbed as she wrapped another towel, around her body. "THIS BAD." she cried.

"Sasha I want this…" Mikasa gave a limp fight, however she was weak and unable to even stop Sasha from pulling her out. More towels covered her body.

"You don't know what you want," a stream of tears fell from her brown eyes, Sasha was stifling her cries. "You are hurt, but this will not continue the way it has been." She gave her a quick hug, and took her away from the mess she had made. Sasha prayed under her breath, that they would be in time to get help.